Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-02-2013, 12:48 PM
Changing Changing is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 3
Default Hello!

Hello everyone!

Im really new to this idea. I am not in a polyamorous relationship (or not yet..).
but i am really really interested in the idea. Mainly i am interested in self growth and i would love to stop being possessive/jealous and so on.

I can not imagine being happy with one person my whole life, meaning, ive been taught to feel like that, but i have understood that its quite impossible if you consider cheating a deal breaker. In other words, i do believe you can live with one person for the rest of your life and happy too, but you have to understand and accept that you both will have at some point other attractions and relations to people outside your relationship.

I hope i make sense. I just can not decide what to do . My logic is telling me to be free, i feel free , i feel balanced when i think of letting my relationship free. Yet, it does bother me to think of my partner with another woman and worse, it bothers me that i get bothered by it! It makes me mad! I cant stand me being bothered of thinking about my partner with another woman. How weird is that?

I hope im not overdoing it for the introduction section, but i really dont know where else to post!

Thank you for reading and nice to meet you!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-02-2013, 08:14 PM
Whisper's Avatar
Whisper Whisper is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: East Anglia, UK
Posts: 30
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Changing View Post
In other words, i do believe you can live with one person for the rest of your life and happy too, but you have to understand and accept that you both will have at some point other attractions and relations to people outside your relationship.
I think that for many of us this hits the nail on the head! It is impossible to get everything that life has to offer from just one person, and this is where a lot of monogamous relationships fail. It's not the end of true love when one person seeks a second or a third relationship - in fact, from my own experience, I would say that loving another individual has changed towards the better the way in which I love the other individual!

*shoots the welcome fireworks* =3
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-02-2013, 09:53 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 8,632
Default

Hi Changing,
Welcome to our forum.

Dealing with jealousy is something most of us have to do from time to time, no matter "how poly." So don't beat yourself up over having those feelings. Sometimes jealousy really is a sign that something is amiss.

Some links you can use to help you learn more on the subject:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

I think you will find that time and experience also help.

Welcome aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-03-2013, 01:24 AM
Changing Changing is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 3
Default

Oh thank you so much both of you!

Its really nice (and not, but you get what i mean) to hear that im not alone on this jealousy thing, even though my logic is more open minded then others.

Thank you SO much for the links, im gonna check them out right after this post! Its funny cause i was checking the Brene Brown one just yesterday!

I am thinking about this the last couple of days. I have met this guy, he is marvelous. We live in totally different cities. Our connection is really really really great. It is impossible for him not to feel it and he does, he tells me almost everyday. We agreed on keeping it "open", not even a relationship cause we both know it will be hard committing when we will not be able to see each other often (like 1-2 times a year max). Although everything up till now (about a month) looks like he has no intention on looking anywhere else and me too.

Even if that wasn't the case though, he too believes what i explained on the other post. We both find it impossible to be monogamous for years, just cause we are both realists. But, my problem is, and you can see it, i have grown up with the model of monogamous couples, its "the right thing" to do, partial because it seems easy, although its quiet the opposite,still i crave it as if calling your relationship monogamous makes it monogamous....BUT, i feel really free and much more relieved and balanced when i imagine myself in an open relationship. Just the idea of freedom makes me feel ok. Of course im afraid of it, ive never done it before. I believe in self growth and by the least, this guy will help me learn how i really want my relationships to be, right?

What ive come down to, so far, after all this thinking, is that id love to form a relationship with him and keep it open and honest. The thing that kills me most when it comes to jealousy is "assuming" and "doubting". Of course this is pretty new so i find it reasonable to feel weird, cause i don't know his routines yet. Still, id prefer him to tell me "hey i went out the other night and met this girl etc etc" rather than him disappearing for a couple of days and not telling me anything. I do of course have a bad bad past. I was in a long long relationship with a sociopath. Enough said? Lost myself. Lost trust in myself and from what i see, ive lost even the little trust i had in men when it comes to relationships. My mind was used to assuming the worst for years, cause the worse did happen to me and my jealous was really a warning, i just ignored it. So now, im assuming the worst for a guy that has done NOTHING! argh....

I really need to find my boundaries and im happy that even in this type of relationships there are some.
So a normal question arises. If a polyamorous relationship has jealousy and boundaries, what makes it so different from a monogamous?

For years ive been struggling with this question: "Is monogamy the evolution of man or polygamy?" Many say monogamy is a choice and i agree, cause for me humans are not monogamous. But by choosing to be monogamous means choosing to go by some rules that may or may not be a path to balance? Or by accepting your true nature and learning to live by it with a different set of rules brings balance?


Off to read the links!! Thanks again and nice to meet you!!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-03-2013, 08:23 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 8,632
Default

You might enjoy the book, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.

Re:
Quote:
"If a polyamorous relationship has jealousy and boundaries, what makes it so different from a monogamous?"
Just that monogamy requires you to have only one romantic partner at a time. Polyamory doesn't have that particular boundary. It is true that polyamorists (as well as monogamists) must contend with jealousy, but let's say polyamorists tend to have more experience at dealing with it constructively.

Hope you find the links helpful as I did.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-16-2013, 11:54 AM
Changing Changing is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 3
Default

Hello again!

You can not imagine how much the links helped me! SO informative!

There is one thing i can not grasp on too though.

I think i should be posting my thoughts on another thread though as this is the introduction place!


Again, thank you so much!!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-16-2013, 07:00 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 8,632
Default

No problem.

If you post a link on this thread leading to that other thread, I'll follow it and check it out. Hopefully we can continue to be of help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:44 AM.