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  #11  
Old 08-01-2013, 05:10 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
^^This^^

Sorry mate but...have a bit of pride will you? Tell your wife that you are not a lackey, this relationship is hers, not yours and you won't try to shove yourself into it and you want to get your own girlfriend. Do you really think sex with them is going to be fun and satisfying if all they want is to be alone and instead they have to think about entertaining you?

Hell to the No.


I thought it wasn't sex unless there is a penis involved in some way. How DO two women "have sex" anyway?
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  #12  
Old 08-01-2013, 10:52 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Why would you want to force yourself on someone who is not interested in you.

Bow out an find your own gf.
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  #13  
Old 08-02-2013, 01:28 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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As to not allowed to have a gf, wife wants one person we can both have a relationship with and I am ok with that as long as I feel like I am part of that relationship. If I feel as if I am not a part of it then I think we need to reevaluate the situation. My wife also told gf that in the beginning and she was ok with that also.
Great -- you guys all expect evaluation points then. GOOD. Talk in trio.

So what time are you and the GF spending outside of the bedroom together WITHOUT THE WIFE to cultivate some kind of relationship and see if you have things in common?

Do (WIFE AND GF) get enough alone time without YOU?

Do (WIFE and YOU) get enough alone time with the GF?

When is the next "check in" point to see how all the players are doing at that point in time?

Quote:
It all just seems to be going in the direction of wife having a gf and I am left on the sidelines. I would be ok with this as long as I would be allowed to have a gf but my wife would not allow.
You could tell Wife that it's looking like it naturally wants to be a "V" with wife as the hinge person, and not a triad. And you and wife could just let it be that way then.

And on your end of things, you would like to date and want to talk to wife about making the plan to assimilate that new change smoothly too. And GF's input so she knows how these changes might be affecting her time management too.

Could all sort it out. As well as bringing up if GF herself wants another partner besides Wife here if (you and GF) are not destined to be more than metamours.

You each have your own set of wants, needs, and limits. Could learn what they all are for each person.

Quote:
I do think that if the relationship between myself and gf does not progress to be more that friends I will ask my wife If I can have a gf myself.
Good. You sound like you are willing to try things on and be flexible as well as realistic.

Remember that you are asking for your wife's blessing and goodwill and her willingness to participate in concurrent relationships with you. You are not asking your wife's "permission" to have relationships with other people.

So when you ask to have that conversation, could steer the conversation that way.

Could ask her what it takes for her to grant her blessing and goodwill so you can move on to dating a separate GF in a peaceful/harmonious way for this polyship. Puts the attention on articulating what exactly needs to happen here.

And if wife's expectation is that wife dates and you don't, and you are not satisfied with that arrangement long term? It's not like a soft limit to allow people time to adjust at a pace they can deal with and all agree to?

Could talk NOW how you plan to cope with that situation if it comes to pass. Does the wife break up with GF? Do you all become single? Something else?

You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

Could spend some time talking and figure out what the "hard limits" are for each of you (will never change, no way, Jose!) and where the "soft limits" are (could change in time as people's confidence and skills strengthen) as you navigate this experience.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-02-2013 at 02:26 AM.
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  #14  
Old 08-02-2013, 01:47 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hello! It seems to be all about what you or your wife want, but have either of you asked what the girlfriend wants? Sheesh.
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  #15  
Old 08-02-2013, 12:59 PM
alanred alanred is offline
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We all talked last night.

In the bed room. Wife wants to see me with GF and GF said she wants to have sex with me. It just seems that when We are in the bed room it never happens and I am not even there. Wife and GF seem to be focues on each other. I voiced my concerns and got the standard answers everyone seems to want the same thing in the bed room but I just feel so left out. Things where better last night wife and gf did show me some attention.

Some one brought up that I should not force myself into their relationship and get my own. It does seem as if I am doing that and wife and gf both said this is what they want all three of us. Still it seems as if I am just a third wheel.

I did bring up letting them do their own thing and I seek a gf, Wife said she has a problem with me just going out and having sex with just any person.

My point was that that is not all that I am looking for. I feel a little cheated (I guess is the word to use), I want that feeling of a new relationship also.
I am happy for my wife and gf and love seeing them happy.

Time spent with each other, My self and wife do not get much alone time as we have two children 4 and 7. Wife and gf do get alone time. All three of us get alone time. I have not had any alone time with gf but we all have talked about the need for it. It just does not seem to happen as I do work alot,(I work a part time job and also run my own business) Wife works part time and gf does not live with us. I also do not want to sacrifice time with my children.

It seems that when the chance to get alone time and our children the time is used for all three of us or If I am at work wife and gf.

So at this point I think I will just go with the flow and see what happens. If we have another situation where I feel left out in the bedroom I think I will leave the bedroom let them have their fun.

I think I should just let things develop as they may and go from there. I have not been pushy about the sex thing if it is not meant to be then I am fine with it. I just don't want to be in a situation where I feel rejected and not wanted. I just keep getting mixed signals from wife and GF, Both are saying thing but the action are so much different.
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  #16  
Old 08-02-2013, 01:24 PM
alanred alanred is offline
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GF will be leaving in a few days so there will be time talk more and deal with all the issues. As far as communication when GF is away (not in driving distance)

I am a very introverted person and wife and gf are both extroverts.

Wife and GF text constantly and on the phone every other day or so.

Myself and GF text sometime and hardly ever talk on the phone.

I also think that one issue is that my wife needs More attention then I give her as my time is split so much between her, kids, work, business ect..

You know I don't even know If I could make the time for a gf of my own. I think that my issue may be that I feel so rejected in the bedroom as I am a very sexual person (i like sex). Do I even want a relationship?

I think I just figured some thinks out.

For me do I just want sex, not a new relationship. Wife and I have a great sex life and the rejection I get when GF in bed with both of us is my main issue. I do want the feeling of a new relationship but do not have to have it. I think I am content with just sex.

Wife has always been bi so maybee that is what see needs. Tho I would say we have a healthy relationship. I think she is looking for more than I can/have offered.

What gf really wants IDK,

I think we all have been communicating for the sake of communicating but we have not really got to the core issues of what we all REALLY want and NEED in our relationships.

I think we all need to have a serious convo about this but I am afris that I will just get the standard answers, any advise on how to move the convo to get to the real issues.
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  #17  
Old 08-02-2013, 02:07 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Honestly actions speak louder than words. They are showing what they truly want when they leave you out of bedroom activities. The fact the gf doesn't communicate with you of her own free will also speaks volumes. BUT she has been told you are a package deal and she is head over heels for your wife, so she is going to say what she needs to say to keep her.

This is Not fair to you or the gf. Your wife is being extremely selfish. Why should she get to have her cake and eat it too? Why should you pay the price for her happiness?
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #18  
Old 08-02-2013, 02:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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What are the "standard answers" you are getting?

For now since it makes you feel yucky -- stop going in the bedroom for threesomes. And STOP having threesome sex. Slow things down on your end and stop jumping right to sex.

Cultivate relationships first.

If you cannot have time alone with GF entirely, what about time alone with GF WITH the kids? Wife somewhere else? This tier of relationship needs building if you all say you want this. But if GF says she wants a relationship with you but doesn't put in the time to grow it, let it go. Don't force it. You yourself seem lukewarm on the GF -- so don't go there just because wife and GF say they want it. Just be ok being metamours with wife's GF and not lovers AND metamours with her.

You and wife need time alone -- so how about GF babysitting? Or some other babysitter? That tier of relationship needs reaffirming. Wife could appreciate you and the fact that she doesn't GET to be a hinge in a harmonious polyship without the willingness and goodwill of the "V" arm people. She could do her part to KEEP it harmonious by not taking her partners for granted or neglecting them.

You talk about sex but all I see is the need for CONNECTION to your people. You seem to want to get it THROUGH sex behavior -- but could you get it through other kinds of behavior?

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

What connection needs besides belonging, inclusion and intimacy do you have? Could circle them and help you articulate your needs.

Are you having poly hell feelings? All three of you could read that together and address feelings being felt by each player. Is the goal a shared polyship that is harmonious? Or a wonky one?

And your wife being afraid of you dating because you'd go off an have sex with just anybody -- well... could talk out what that is all about for real. Because that is selling you short isn't it? You aren't some sex fiend with lack of self control are you? Probably not. I don't think it is about that -- figure out what the fear is REALLY. That she can't compete? That she'd have to share your attention? Fear of the unknown stranger? Well... bring the potential around to meet and greet then! Become NOT strangers.

If it is that she wants to be the V and you stay closed and this pleases you, yay. If this does NOT please you -- stop participating in this model. It really is as simple as that. It may be hard to feel, but the actions really are as simple as that.

Bottom line -- it takes a while for the "new normal" to become "normal" and not feel weird. If you are willing to participate in a "V" with Wife as the hinge, then do so and expect some NRE lalas where you could feel left out of the party temporarily. They will calm down in time -- NRE lasts about 6 mos - 24 mos and then reality returns.

Figure out how long you want to give it a go. Figure out what your needs are in the meanwhile and how to get them met. You can ask wife and GF if they are willing to meet your needs. You can always ASK. Talk with your people.

But if after the length of time passes and you don't feel willing to participate any more because they aren't holding up their end of maintaining a peaceful, harmonious polyship? It is wonky?

Tell the wife you are no longer willing to participate in a "V" configuration because of needs not met, neglect, etc.

Then sort yourselves out from there to a clean split. Get yourself out of the wonky polyship.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-02-2013 at 02:58 PM.
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  #19  
Old 08-02-2013, 02:29 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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How about no more 3 somes?
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  #20  
Old 08-02-2013, 02:37 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
BUT she has been told you are a package deal and she is head over heels for your wife, so she is going to say what she needs to say to keep her.
Mmmm... team dating.
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