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  #1  
Old 08-01-2013, 12:43 PM
alanred alanred is offline
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Unhappy Sex between the three of us

My wife and I are married, and we have a girlfriend, More of a relationship between gf and wife. This is something my wife wanted and I agreed (started off by my wife wanting a threesome and turned in to more)

Gf lives in away and this is her second visit.

I also agreed to not get upset if wife and gf had sex when I am not home as long as my wife told me about the encounter. My main goal is to keep the communication channels open during all of this. Our first threesome was not all that great for me. I felt a bit left out. But overall for our first threesome I think it went very well.

I voiced my concerns and my wife agreed to include me more during our next threesome. I also ask if we could set some ground rules we all could agree on. (the ground where set)

Last night was our second threesome. It was not a very good experience for me and has me thinking that this may not be the best situation for our marriage. What happened was wife and gf started kissing and so fourth and acted as if I was not even in the room. Ii felt hurt and well i dont really know what to think. I am not jealous but just feel as if my needs and myself personally dont matter to my wife and gf. I tried to get intimate with my wife and she just focused on gf. I guess what really upsets me is that it is like I was invisible the whole time. I followed the rules set and wife and gf did not.

I am not asking for full attention but even a look and smile or even touching my would be nice. Yep it was like I was not even in the room ( i know I said that before but just had to say it agian) I could have probally got up and left the room and wife and gf would not have noticed.

Wife and gf are sleeping now and have not had a chance to talk about it just need some advise on how to handle this.
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  #2  
Old 08-01-2013, 12:51 PM
alanred alanred is offline
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I know i rambled a bit and sorry for that. I am wounder the beast way to handle this.

A bit more history bout our relationship. Wife and gf are more than romantically involved, gf and myself are not so much more friends then anything i guess. It all just seems to be going in the direction of wife having a gf and I am left on the sidelines. I would be ok with this as long as I would be allowed to have a gf but my wife would not allow. Seems that the exceptions i had from all of our previous talks before every thing got serious are changing and I am the one left out.
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Old 08-01-2013, 01:24 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alanred View Post
Wife and gf are more than romantically involved, gf and myself are not so much more friends then anything i guess.
Sounds like a team dating and NRE situation to me.

Team dating is a problem because the assumption is that this shared person is going to dig each person equally. This is a broken expectation because people don't necessarily work that way. Even if GF does happen to be in to both of you it isn't like she has some kind of switch she can flip to make sure everyone gets "50/50 treatment". More likely is that this person is going to be in to one of you more than the other - if at all. It sounds to me like your wife has a girlfriend and is willing to let you watch the two of them fuck.

That sounds like a win in my book.

Puppy love (NRE) is a freaking force of nature. GF and Wife are almost certainly enjoying the sweet sweet drug of puppy love. Everything else in life gets the volume turned down for a period of time. Some people get it worse than others but trying to fight it or control it is just going to piss them off.

All in all, you just need to throttle down your expectations. It sounds like you had this perfect kind of three prong love affair in your head and it isn't working out that way. Life often (usually) surprises us and teaches us to be mindful of trying to predict the future. It sounds like you are getting that reminder right now.
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Old 08-01-2013, 01:37 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Not allowed to have a gf ? Why not ?
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Old 08-01-2013, 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by alanred View Post
I would be ok with this as long as I would be allowed to have a gf but my wife would not allow
I didn't notice this before, dingedheart is right... why would you not be "allowed" to have a girlfriend? Is your wife in charge of your life? Is there some kind of dom/sub power exchange going on?
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Old 08-01-2013, 02:48 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I am sorry your attempt at a "triad" relationship is not working out. Don't despair! I'd say that is the case 90% of the time. Especially when you search for a "unicorn" who is expected to love and lust for for both the MF in a couple equally. This is one of the most common mistakes of committed couples new to polyamory. (I did it too! See below.)

If the gf is not into you sexually, it is time for renegotiations. They won't include you in a 3some? OK. It hurts to feel rejected. What to do?

Your wife meets your sexual needs when gf isn't there, and you sleep separately from them when gf visits. Or at least do something else when they are actually fucking.
You communicate clearly about finding a gf of your own if you feel you need or want one.

Your wife may have thought she wanted a 3some, but actually what she wants is one on one sex with another woman. Her actions belie her words. If she says, "Well, I am exploring my bisexuality. You, however, already have a woman: ME. Therefore you do not need another woman (since you're straight)."

This is bs. A "one vagina policy" in your marriage is unfair if you are uncomfortable with it.

When my ex-h and I opened our marriage years ago, we found a unicorn who was into him, not me! So, I was supposed to "explore my bisexuality" and instead he got a gf and I got nada. He told me I couldn't date another guy. One penis policy (OPP). I didn't think that was fair either.
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  #7  
Old 08-01-2013, 02:53 PM
alanred alanred is offline
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As to not allowed to have a gf, wife wants one person we can both have a relationship with and I am ok with that as long as I feel like I am part of that relationship. If I feel as if I am not a part of it then I think we need to reevaluate the situation. My wife also told gf that in the beginning and she was ok with that also.

I know that there is not gonna be a 50/50 split, I guess I would evaluate the current relationship as a 25/75 split out side of the bedroom and a 10/90 split in the bedroom.

It seemed to me that the situation is not what I expected in the beginning and that the relationship is more of my wife and gf having a relationship and i am on the sidelines.

It does seem like nre and We all talk this morn and both agreed to try to included me more the next time. We all agreed to sit down again and go over are exceptions about what each can and can not do during sex.


It helped a lot to get over my feeling of being left out see that this is most likely nre.

Per all your advise and talking with my wife and gf I am going to keep my expectations to what ever happens happens and be happy with that for the time being.

Just gonna go with the flow and see what happens and be happy with what I have.

I do think that if the relationship between myself and gf does not progress to be more that friends I will ask my wife If I can have a gf myself.

Thanks for the support.
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Old 08-01-2013, 02:59 PM
alanred alanred is offline
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Thanks Magdlyn If things to not improve as I would like I think I may push for what you suggest. I will give our current situation more time to see how progresses and go from there.

How much time do you think I should give the current situation. I am leaning on giving it a few months to see how it progresses.
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  #9  
Old 08-01-2013, 03:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alanred View Post
As to not allowed to have a gf, wife wants one person we can both have a relationship with and I am ok with that as long as I feel like I am part of that relationship.
You are encountering one of the main problems with this approach to relationships. This forced triad is an unrealistic expectation and it seems extremely rare for it to actually work out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alanred View Post
both agreed to try to included me more the next time. We all agreed to sit down again and go over are exceptions about what each can and can not do during sex.
If someone needs to "try" to include me in a sexual encounter then they are not interested and I would feel disgusting for getting their pity attention. If someone isn't digging me that's totally fine; the very last thing I want someone to do is to "try" to be interested in me sexually (or otherwise).

This is a bi-product of the fundamentally flawed approach to trying to jam some third person into an existing slot and expecting them to fit into it perfectly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alanred View Post
I do think that if the relationship between myself and gf does not progress to be more that friends I will ask my wife If I can have a gf myself.
Be sure to ask nicely.
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Old 08-01-2013, 04:06 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
If someone needs to "try" to include me in a sexual encounter then they are not interested and I would feel disgusting for getting their pity attention.
^^This^^

Sorry mate but...have a bit of pride will you? Tell your wife that you are not a lackey, this relationship is hers, not yours and you won't try to shove yourself into it and you want to get your own girlfriend. Do you really think sex with them is going to be fun and satisfying if all they want is to be alone and instead they have to think about entertaining you?

Hell to the No.
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