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  #11  
Old 08-13-2013, 11:11 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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The IM went ping. Discussions were opened. The upshot is C wants an DADT with A. He won't ask for info and I won't offer. Fine by me. That was it really, he reiterated his discomfort about the BDSM scene and how it was not his thing. He is very strong and dominate in bed but not into the spanking or paddling with anything but a hand, works for me my preference too. He also wants to me shut down on meeting anyone new for a while. Also fine, as my Master's program is getting very demanding and ex flakier than usual with taking the kids. I haven't had a dating profile up for a while, no time right now.

I am seeing A tonight for a bit. I should be studying but need some male adult time.

I am relieved things will be pretty much returning to normal.
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  #12  
Old 08-14-2013, 04:25 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Nicknames: I have never used them before. K, hereafter Yo, made them up to help keep the guys straight. He has nicknames for his FWBs is either country of origin based or employment based. Ms Columbia and Ms Attorney are 2 of his "regulars" So C became Kip and A is prof.

Yesterday, I told Yo that we couldn't resume the FWB thing as Kip had asked me not to meet anyone new. Although I already know Yo, I think the spirit of the request is to keep it to Kip and prof for the time being. Also, I don't think Yo and I match terribly well on a number of levels. Yo took it well and we will still meet up to do kid things.
I only know one other person with young children, all my friends have grown-up kids or no kids.So it's nice to know someone else with a kid around the same age.

Musings on kids meeting the men folk... There are strong polarizing views on this subject across the internet. My attitude is..

ôLife is made up of meetings and partings. People come into your life everyday, you say good morning, you say good evening, some stay for a few minutes, some stay for a few months, some a year, others a whole lifetime.Ceceilia Ahern.

Having lived in multiple countries across the world and having my family and friends spread across the globe, I am well used to meetings and partings and I think that my kids are used to meetings and partings too. Friends and family visit then off they go again, we go visit and then leave too.

I think this applies to meeting the men folk too. Obviously I don't bring random men home, strange "uncles" appearing over the breakfast table. They have met 3 men over the last 2 years, all of which I had been seeing on a regular basis. They have met Yo twice, daytime visits, prof quite a few times, and someone I was seeing last year.

Prof had his first sleep over last night while the kids were here.The kids have met him a number of times at this point, we have done some fun kid activities, he has popped round in the evening a few times too.
The ex flaked ( he does actually call most of the time now, not sure if it is technically flaking) again last night and it gets to the point where I either keep living life or give up and stay home. My regular child care costs exceed $1k per month, so I don't usually call in a sitter unless it is a special activity. I have been seeing prof for 5 months at this point and done my due diligence research on the internet. We don't PDA in front of the kids, he has not been introduced as my b/f, just a friend. I think it is all good.
It went fine, as anticipated. They showed him all kinds of lego creations this morning, he made a few things too. He has 2 grown kids. Who can resist lego? I love the stuff. Then off he went.
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  #13  
Old 08-16-2013, 10:21 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Prof's re-negotiations are for the entire month of August. He is trying for an extension to the 16 hour rule to allow for weekends away. Fingers crossed. That is the only one that I am very concerned about. Veto has been kind of been taken off the table, only to be used in bunny boiler situations. I am vegetarian, so unlikely to boil anyone's pet

No scootering this week due to the ankle, we had a 2 hour play session instead. Strictly play, no sex till after a dinner break. Prof has been taking lessons from a Pro-Domme in the city, and it shows. I helped him finish up the play room too. I get to go in 2 weeks to the Pro-Domme and I am really looking forward to it. Apparently she is going to blog about him and the sessions, should be an interesting read!

Wow, but that man eats late and cooks slowly, a great cook, and he always makes extras and bags them up for me but...I am used to cooking for kids, chop, chop, cook and on the table in 30 minutes or less. When I don't have the kids I eat cereal for dinner. I totally appreciate the leftovers that go for lunch and a second dinner. Yes, I can eat the same thing 3 times in a row, especially if I didn't make it myself!

I saw Kip this week too. He explained a little more about his discomfort with prof. Again, I let him talk and mainly listened. I am glad we are pretty much over the hump, it was smooth sailing before the 3some. He is being a little coy about scheduling, very busy time of the year and all that. I think he wants me to chase him a little...I can do that
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  #14  
Old 08-17-2013, 03:34 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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http://nobo.komagata.net/pub/Komagata09-Xtachment.pdf

Around this forum I have noticed discussion on attachment and the Buddhist idea of non-attachment. How does this work with parenting and relationships, I thought?
Hmmmmm, research time.

I think this paper explains it beautifully. Buddhists decry "craving" not attachment. One can be attached, experience desire, but not be overtaken by craving for something or someone. Is that was NRE is? Craving?

All the signs point to my kids and self having "secure attachment" as defined by the article.
" When a person is securely attached, she has a more accurate,objective,and positive view of her parents/caregivers but does not cling to them, even when they are not physically available."

Lots more thoughts, but for now I wanted to save the link and will return to it later.
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  #15  
Old 08-23-2013, 02:30 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Busy, busy, full-time work, Master's program, 2 kids and 2 lovers.

Kip came round on Monday for a visit. As we were falling asleep he started snoring. I gave him a nudge and asked him to stop, he replied, " I wasn't snoring, I was grunting because I am happy." Snuggling up and taking a nap has become important to him recently. He says his misses having someone to hold while he sleeps and enjoys the cuddling as much as the sex. He is sharing quite a few emotional things of late, not just life in general and past experiences. It is very sweet and bonding.

Prof popped round later that night to tell me about his BDSM party, apparently a lot of fun and just a general check-in before Wednesday night. I was already in bed and had a little discussion about what "on my way" means to him, about an hour, and to me, about 15 minutes. He lives 12 minutes away traffic is not an issue

He tends to stay up till 2am I am usually asleep by 10. We compromise on sleep over nights and go to sleep at around 12. We have different lifestyles, I get up at 5:30ish, he makes his own hours for part of the week so doesn't necessarily have to get up early. I feel like an old bore having this discussion. I want to stay up late and can do it once a week or maybe twice if there are a few earlier nights in between, but wow, I pay for it.

Ex is totally flaking with the kids and went AWOL again, but is oddly enough pretty reliable on Wednesday nights. So, I get one free night per week in which to be a grown-up and I want to make the most of it, not be so tired that I can hardly stay awake.

I met Yo for lunch on Tuesday, we are seeing more of each other now that we are not dating than when we were. We were discussing OKC and his FWBs . He said again that the dating scene was getting old for him and he is heading towards just wanting to date one person regularly, followed by a pointed look at me. I avoided answering, he knows I wouldn't give up Kip and Prof, I wouldn't ask him to go mono but he is kind of offering it.

I am a happy solo poly. As the relationships between Kip, Prof and I deepen, I know that I would not give them up for mono. Maybe one day???? I just can't see that day right now. I have 13+ more years of kids at home, after they leave I might foster. I like having hers & hers closets! I have lived happily on my own at various points in my life. I don't neeeeeed to be living with someone. Having multiple partners enriches my life and having multiple partners enriches theirs. It's a good place to be.
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  #16  
Old 08-30-2013, 04:02 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Things are trucking along as normal with Kip. I asked him today about me starting to date again. I actually have a weekend kid free, so of course the mind wonders to "wouldn't it be nice if I had someone to....with." He said he was happy for me to date again. Then reality set in again, I have more than enough to do this weekend and really that could come crashing to halt at any point.
I saw Yo this week too, we went to see Elysium, I really enjoyed it, just my cup of tea. He wants to see me again, in the naked sense of the word. We are currently negotiating by text, does anyone pick-up the phone anymore? He is also heavily time restricted due to kids but our kids have met so that is not an issue anymore. But time remains an issue. Ho hum, thinking.
Then onto Prof. We had our night with the pro-dominatrix which was great fun. We tried knife play, rope bondage, various restraints and some other fun stuff. She has a super dungeon room, lots of interesting items and she is very knowledgeable about her craft. She teaches classes and is a frequent dungeon master in the city, a lovely lady. I would highly recommend to her anyone wanting to explore kink.
Behind all this BDSM learning is Prof's desire to get S interested in play. She has the final session next month. I asked him what will be the next step after that. He replied, " No play with anyone but her for the next couple of months while we sort this out." Excuse me???????? Another couple made unilateral decision???? Like the 3 week monogamy thing of June? Which he only stuck to whilst I was out of the country.
I don't know if this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I felt very "secondary". The relationship that we have is not as important as that with S. I can see the 2 month moratorium on play being his idea, to make her feel secure in exploring , he said she is insecure about him playing with others although I am the only sex and play partner, the others are strictly play only. The other option is he tells her he will not play with me but does anyway, I believe the correct term for that is lying. Pah. If we couldn't play due to a health issue or something then I would understand more easily, but this self-imposed restriction? Argh.
Am I over reacting? We have so much fun otherwise. We did not meet to start a kink relationship so it is not the be all and end all, but still, I feel pushed to the side. Let's pop you up on the shelf and take you down and dust of you off when it is time to play again. I don't think that is his intent, he is somewhat OCD and when focusing on something does seem to become a bit blind to other things. So he is focusing on S and their play, things with Atlantis run smoothly so that will continue as normal just without the play. I don't know whether to speak up at this point or see how things play out.
Hmmm, should think less about the men folk and more about my classes.
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  #17  
Old 08-31-2013, 11:46 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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http://nobo.komagata.net/pub/Komagata09-Xtachment.pdf

Thanks for posting this; I'd been wondering about the extent of contradiction between these approaches, and meaning to explore it more. This was a good place to start.
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  #18  
Old 08-31-2013, 03:11 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Hi Wildflowers, glad you got something from the link.

Still focusing on Prof right now, I suppose because I see him the most. We are having a lot of "bonus nights," undeclared "dates". I got him to stop calling them dates, I told him it made my skin crawl. He says it is how he and S describe their interactions with others a "date" could involve sex and"engagement" will not, it is for clarity for them, plus that is lexicon he is familiar with.

During the same conversation we established that "seeing each other" is a descriptor that we both agree on the meaning of. For both of us it means regular, ongoing interaction without exclusivity. I love me a label!

There was also a very brief chat about the 'no BDSM play for 2 months", rule. It was S's idea not his and came about around the time that I started seeing him. The deal was Prof is allowed to explore play and take the classes with the pro-domme, to hone his skills, but after the last professional session he was to shut down with the outside partners and focus on S. More on Prof and the BDSM another time. But the upshot for me was, this agreement was made before I was really a factor, so I can deal with it.

And the regular is becoming very regular. We couldn't meet for a bonus night on Tuesday as he worked till very late, I had to say that I can't do after 10pm booty calls except for Weds, I get up at 5:30 am and need my beauty sleep. So we met Wednesday for the late night, then Thursday he came round to watch classic Brit Sci-fi , I kicked him out at 11 and then we had a bonus afternoon yesterday, scooter riding and afternoon delight.

When I arrived he was working on one of the scooters, 1978 Vespa Super Sport ( or maybe his bike is the Super Sport, d'oh) , if that means anything to anyone. He said it is "my bike" and when I am comfortable on it, I get to take it home.

We went on the roads around his neigbourhood, I got it into second gear, whoop whoop but stalled it about a million times. Starting and stopping are definitely the hardest for me. He had to come and kick start it for me each time as my ankle is not yet up to bouncing on the kick pedal, I think a pair of hard soled boots is also in order. But very sweet and patient about it.

Then we parked my bike went for a cruise along the coast on the second bike, a beautiful afternoon, I had one of those moments where I get all excited about the fact that I live in one of the most beautiful parts of America. Lucky me. We were going to stop for a drink but realized we didn't have time as he had to pick up S.

Mr In Control Prof would seem to be NREing. 3 visits in a week seems to be becoming the norm, squeezing in a few hours where we can on top of Weds. On one hand I feel a bit guilty because I know he is not supposed see me more than once a week under his rules, technically bonus nights are cheating, on the other hand, well, hmmmm, and I will stop there.
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  #19  
Old 09-01-2013, 07:40 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I originally set up this big blog to explore feeling and emotions, I am not doing very well with that, it is more of an activity blog.
I tend to process emotions into practical solutions very quickly, I feel X, therefore I do will Y to make it better or continue on this path as X is good.

My exH said I was like Mr Spock, ex thought I didn't have many emotions, sometimes I think he is right. I am very good at putting emotions into a box or dealing with them quickly. This is actually a huge benefit for my job, the one thing in my life that I say I am "very good at", the rest of life I feel I am functionally proficient at.

How do you explore emotions? How much should one think about how one is feeling? Is it a good thing to find practical solutions quickly? I certainly reflect on my behavior but not the emotions that drive it. I don't even know that I want to do much navel gazing.

I very much enjoy reading other people's blogs on here and there is much reflection on feeling, how this makes me feel, how that makes me feel. I will try to add feelings into the activities.

I am generally an upbeat positive personality, there are not too many insecurities, I will explore my 2 biggies in a moment. People describe me as reliable, stable, open-minded, non-judgmental, inquisitive, sexy. I asked around for some adjectives for my OKC profile. I struggle to describe myself.

So the 2 insecurities. My accent. If I list the countries that I have lived in there is no way to deny my writing this should that ever come up. So suffice it to say, I have a mish-mash of 5 strong regional accents not including the American twang that people say I have picked up. Ok, make it 6. For most of my life I have got the 'where do you come from question?" If I answer with the my base accent country then I get a whole political spiel, people have VERY strong opinions on my home country and I am frequently shocked at how they express this to a stranger. If I give a generic area answer, then it gets into, but you sound A, and I can hear B too, and did you spend anytime in C or D or E or F? All the time I thinking let me out of here and this is not what we are here to discuss.

Then comes the repeating things in their version of my accent. I have had this my whole life, I hate it. Strong emotion there. Most people do it, friends of many years comment on how my accent changes. Parents do it, siblings do it. I know it's weird! Stop pointing it out! Insert feelings here....I feel that people make character, intelligence, and political judgements based on my accent. I feel that they are not listening to what I say but how I say it. I can honestly say I have been horrified by the vehemence of the political thing. I have been stunned, and generally excuse myself when that happens. I feel sometimes there is an element of mocking, but mostly they are not listening to me, what I am saying is not valued. People close to me know it annoys the crap out of me. If I feel it is getting out of hand with friends or family, I do speak up, if it is in public then I let it go.

Kip does my base accent better than I do, unless I have been drinking, then he says it is really comes out. He does it in a sweet, funny way, and always adds his term of endearment for me. He does the other accents too, if I come out with something really strongly. It doesn't bother me when does it, in fact I quite like it, makes me think of home and makes me feel cared for. He is a non-American too, so has some experience of being odd-one-out.

Yo I don't think it does it much either. He has lived around the world too and if he is playing with accents then does the ones from where he's lived not mine. Occasionally he says something like, I loved the way you just said that. Then it feels like an a link between us, a shared global experience.

Prof, however, prof. I had to tell him again not to do it. He repeats things, I feel there is a mocking element, he says no, he likes it, enjoys the syntax.
In all fairness I didn't actually say I " it makes me guard my speech and feel uncomfortable". I just said I don't like it, that I am aware very aware it is different and have been getting this my whole life.

How I can share things when you keep repeating them! Yes, I say tomato, water and all sorts differently than you. It got the point the other day where I said" Aren't you bored with repeating what I say?" Hint hint, I am getting bored with it. His response, "No, I love your accent, I think it's cute." He even does it by text! I know I should find it endearing, but I don't.

I moderate my language at work and in public and in writing. I don't want to do it during down time. It can almost be like speaking a different language when you struggle to find the right word. I don't mind if you don't get the the idiom or understand the vocabulary I used, I am happy to "translate" , yes I get excited and start talking quickly and use all kinds of expressions, but I do that when I am relaxed, if you start repeating then I tense up, lose the flow and go back into clam/shut up mode.

People often describe me as shy. I am not shy. I just don't like speaking to strangers, explaining my accent and here we go again.

In home country, it also best to keep ones mouth shut in various parts of the country and city. I have had physical threats made on the basis of accent and name, you are in the wrong part of the city type thing. One is taught to keep one's mouth shut until you know what is going on and who is about you. You might even use a different name. It is hard to let go of that.

I had a class, as an adult, a few years ago, we introduced ourselves. I said home country and city and the instructor went into one about the political situation. I was ready to crawl under the table, not through embarrassment but for safety. I was thinking, how can you say this out loud in a roomful of strangers???? You don't know who is listening!!!! I feel panicked just writing about it.

So there we are, insecurity number one.

So feelings act #1. Have a better talk with Prof about how this makes me feel.
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  #20  
Old 09-01-2013, 09:34 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Insecurity part deux,
I am 5'7'', 130lbs, blonde, size A boobs, "athletic " build, yes the boob size is important.
I am tall, when I wear heels I over 6ft,sometimes well over in 5 inch spikes. I would like to be a few inches shorter but on the whole my body functions well and I am happy with it.

Yo is easy dealt with here, he doesn't have a type, leans towards average to slim women, but that's about it. He says he is just happy to find someone who get his sense of humor and wants to be naked with him.

Prof and Kip however, have extremely strong preferences. They both go for petite brunettes with large natural boobs or tits, depends on who is speaking, but fake ones are good to.

Kip's wife is a petite, curvy brunette, with large boobs. He says he likes women on the curvy side, chubby is good too as long as their boobs are big.

Prof's gf is a tiny , curvy brunette with big boobs too.

I have seen pictures of Kip's online choices and every sexploit he tells starts with the phrase, " I was seeing this petite brunette with huge natural tits...." He says he doesn't really remember ever dating a blonde but might have as along as she had....fill in the rest. He would never date anyone with less than a C cup.

I have seen pics of one of Prof's play partners and you guessed it petite......He said he dated a blonde once on high school for about 2 weeks, Erm that was nearly 40 years ago. Not a single blonde since then. He has interrupted sex a few times to say he still is surprised to look up and see a blond with "sporty boobs", not his type at all.

And of course they all take the time to tell me how taaaaaallllll I am. Thanks guys.

So does this make me insecure? How could it not? 2/3 have an almost 100% track record on a type and they like the same type. So I get the petite brunette line from both of them. I don't bring it up. They keep coming out with it especially during naked moments. Keep reminding me of how "not your type" I am. Of course the say nice things too, but I don't hear that as much as I hear, "not my type ".

They are all my type, why would I go out with people I don't find attractive?
So then that leads to the destructive thought, why are they seeing me? Just a cheap fuck?

I have fished for compliments a few times, and outright asked, why are you seeing me if I am so outside your type? Smart, funny, sweet, intelligent , independent, the accent, quick, kind, patient. yes, yes, yes, body please? Long legs, I get that, lovely long legs. Refer to previous insecurity about being taaaaalllllll.

I get that insecurity is unattractive and unless I am outright being told that I am not a PBwBB, it don't dwell on it much, but yikes, they do feel the need to tell me. Why? Why do they tell me?

I did outright tell Prof on Friday that the "sporty boobs" comments needed to stop and there is no need to keep telling me I am taaaaallllllll. Oh sexy tall, he said. I replied that is not what you said, you said I am really tall for a girl, I was in bare feet too.

Insert feelings here... Insecure...I feel I don't measure up ( haha ) an unfavourable comparison, PBwBB=hot, tall blonde=not.
I do hear, " I love your this, I love your that"....by that time, though, the damage has kind of been done. When the compliments come after PBwBB comments, it seems like second hand compliments, not really honest.

Just got a text from Prof, wants to go for a ride tomorrow, seeing Kip on Weds, Prof Weds evening, probably seeing Yo on Thursday, possibly Prof after that, depends on the time.

So they must like something that they see. Not too insecure, just quit telling me I am not your type!
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