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Old 03-26-2014, 08:52 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Default Tales from the Time Share Wife

I started a post a couple years back but things have changed so i thought i would start a new one. Background: I often fantasized about being a sister wife when i was a teenager. My girlfriends and i would share boys and the idea of sharing a husband with my best friend really appealed to me. I met my ex husband when we were 17 and until 3 years later when he met another woman did i ever consider an open marriage, it wasnt even in my eyeline. so he meets this girl and said that he wanted to have sex with her. I had been with many people before we met but I had been his first kiss. experimenting was something that was really important to him so i gave him a blessing to have a ONE time meeting for sex with her. for the next 2 years she was in and out of our lives and my ex and i had broken up two times over this. he wanted to be with her but wasnt being respectful of me or my boundaries. when i finally did become comfortable with her and said she could move in she had decided that she wasnt willing to share him and so she left.

11 years of being together my ex and i parted ways when i met my current husband Nate. I met him online and fell in love with him over the phone. i knew the first night that i wanted to be with him forever and I knew my ex wouldnt allow me to have a male partner so I left him. Nate and I went into our relationship with it being sexually open but I was not yet willing for him to have an emotional relationship with anyone else. Over the years he’s had some 20 sex partners and a long term friend with benefit (she at one point called herself his gf). I had had a few casual encounters with men but they left me very unfulfilled. After 2.5 years of not having any sexual partners other than Nate and honestly not caring, I would go on dates here and there but never met anyone acceptable, I really started to question whether or not i was poly. I hadnt met anyone else that came even close to wanting to have a romantic relationship with.

Then Sam came into my life. I had met him winter of 2011. I had met him through a friend of mine. I immediately like him. he’s very good looking, smart, funny, weird etc. he actually works at my agency. I told my friend that i liked him, she started seeing him and I lost interest in being romantic with him after she got her hooks into him. they just had sex the one time but i wasnt interested in being with someone that she had been with. I was also pregnant at that time and then had to work on losing the weight, taking care of a newborn and starting college for the first time. the timing wasnt right but every few months his name would come up at work, or i would see him at the office and i would shoot him a text. he always kept it formal and i never got the vibe that he was interested in me. I would take him off the shelf, dust him off and put him back. I still liked him, i figured it was a fun game to keep tabs on him.

Nate was going to be in a fri-tue medical study for 5 weeks straight so i thought i would check out the strictly platonic section of craigs list to see if there was anyone interesting i could talk with to occupy my lonely time with nate gone. I read this very awesome ad and i messaged them “your name wouldnt’ happen to be Sam would it?” it was not Sam (it was actually this richard guy that i already knew lol) but it put Sam in my head that night so I thought I would send him a text and ask him out finally. we started texting and he did agree to going out on a date. turned out he was sick as a dog in bed and was using my texts as a welcome distraction from his pain. he discovered through texting me that there was a lot more to me than what he imagined and i discovered that he had been watching me from afar for awhile. he had a horrible breakup from his ex and i reminded him too much of her, he thought i was some swinger just looking for a temporary boy toy and he didn't want to get involved with me. (the second time we had met was at my friend's house and she had tried to get me to make out with her in front of him. I wasn't feeling it so I didn't and thank goodness I didn't because he’s monogamous and that would have totally turned him off from me forever) He learned that i wanted every bit to be a girlfriend to him and that I wanted forever, not some fling. he tried to fight it (he says) but he fell madly in love with me and even though its been a very short time I know that eventually he will be a second husband to me.

something about Sam that I discovered is that he is very much a romantic and sensitive man. there was no games here, he loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. he is willing to be with me even though he is monogamous because he loves me very much. he immediately integrated me into his life and i feel like it’s gone by so fast but at the same time it feels like forever. i am so happy that I have him in my life. I look forward to our future together and honestly can't believe I am really in the position that I am in. I never thought that i would have 2 amazing men in my life who love me so much.

Even though in theory i was alway going to have another partner, in the 5 years Nate and I had been together I hadn't had any partners beyond casually dating. so this has been an adjustment for Nate because he’s not use to having me gone. he’s not use to me loving another. it’s been an adjustment for me too, i dont want to overshare because I don't want Nate to feel sad but I also don't want him to feel like I’m hiding things from him either. I originally wanted to have 1 night a week with another partner but I discovered that just isn't enough, I crave to see Sam so much and I also want to be there for him so he doesn't feel like he’s just some after thought to me. he does understand that I have a family and that i have obligations so i negotiated that I would spend sat. and mon nights with Sam. I work tue and wed night so that leaves thur, fri and sun night for Nate if he doesnt have plans with someone else.

Nate doesnt have any partners. he had his “girlfriend” Jane but she has a boyfriend now and she and Nate are no longer having sex with each other. Nate feels sad that I have someone else and he doesnt. Sat. seemed particularly hard for him this week because he wanted to make plans to go to a show with someone and didnt have anyone he was willing to go with. he did go over and screw his fuck buddy but that doesnt really give him that emotional or intellectual connection that he craves. Nate told me that he feels that he’s not good enough for me and that the only women that are interested in him are people that he doesnt want to have a relationship with. this isnt really a new thing, he’s always had terrible self esteem even though he’s very attractive, smart and funny. he’s an artist and very much has an artist’s temperament. he’s always criticizing himself and doesnt seem to find joy in the successes he has. when i got back home Sunday afternoon I really tried to focus on Nate but he chalked that up to :”sam being at game night” rather than me wanting to spend time with him. we cuddled on the couch and watched xfile for a few hours but he still said that he felt disconnected. I try very hard to focus on him when we are together, not gush about Sam and to listen and talk to him. it seems that we have these very long discussions about his feelings every day. now I dont mind it, i love talking but I feel like Im constantly reassuring him and often I find myself feeling guilty that he feels this way.

in the past i might have ended a relationship before it even stated for the fact that i dont like conflict, I dont like feeling uncomfortable or having tension so if that meant just being monogamous while nate had a bunch of sex partners, so be it. but I wont do that with Sam. Im in love with him. Im not willing to go without him and Im not willing to break his heart either. Nate will just have to get over it. last night he said “I dont know if I will ever be ok with this” that was really hard to hear. what have we been doing all these years? he’s known that I was looking for another partner all these years. was he banking on that I wouldnt find someone? Granted up until Sam said he would be my boyfriend I had not but I thought it might happen someday. up until Sam I hadnt met anyone that met the huge laundry list of requirements that i had in a partner. not only that but they had to obviously be interested in me and there also had to be chemistry. i hadnt met anyone close to that. I guess looking back now I can see why he thought it was safe to say I would never find anyone long term and he would never have to share me with someone. I mean other than Jane whom he didnt have a romantic relationship for beyond a casual friendship and sex he hadnt had a real girlfriend. How would I handle it if he loved someone? I imagine if I wasnt with sam i would feel intimidated, insecure, scared to lose him, scared of the changes etc. I get where Nate is coming from and Im doing my darndest to make sure that I am giving him everything that he needs (that I can give) the only thing I wont do is let him sabatage things with Sam. I dont think he will but I know there have been people out there that pick fights right before a date and demand that their partner cancel to “work things out” I made it clear to Nate that wasnt something I would allow. I also wont allow Nate to have a veto. Sam isnt someone who is dispensable, if Nate is having remorse for being poly at this point it’s too late for him to go back now.
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Old 03-26-2014, 08:52 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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So while im glad that he’s so communicative with me, he’s someone that must talk things out where i prefer to work things out in my head (mostly) then sharing. it’s become a bit daunting and emotionally exhausting to constantly reassure. I understand if It was someone else and they were letting things fester then it could be a bad situation for all of us.

3/26

we have been having some good talks lately. the one last night was particularly nice because afterward although i felt exhausted i felt clean, much like that sweet release after a good cry. I had read some of what i wrote about my perception of the situation and our talks and he disagreed with me as I knew he would. he sees himself very differently than I see him. he feels that yes while he does get in a funk one in a while he is pragmatic about himself and that he isn't’ always mopey. he told me that he’s not sure if he could live with Sam but that is so far off. surely by then they will have become friends. they have already been facebook friends for a year and Sam very much wants to get to that place where they are comfortable with each other. despite the fact that sam is mono he feels ok about me being married. in no where in his thoughts does he think about me being single and us being alone with each other. he knows such things isn't possible and so he doesn't even allow himself to fantasize. I think the other day when Nate was saying he wasn't sure if he would ever be ok with that he was just upset still that i had spent too long with sam. we have since decided that if I'm to go over on a night that normally isn't a night i would go that I would tell him him what time i would be home at and be home at the time. it was my fuck up and i own it, despite any reasoning i have behind it. I have to start owning up to my mistakes and making it right instead of trying to be logical or expect that if i'm ok with something that everyone else is going to be as well. when i came home tuesday afternoon everything felt fine to me.
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Old 03-28-2014, 05:56 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
he told me that he’s not sure if he could live with Sam but that is so far off. surely by then they will have become friends. they have already been facebook friends for a year and Sam very much wants to get to that place where they are comfortable with each other.
I wouldn't count on this ever happening. My husband's girlfriend and I are good friends, we were friends before they even started dating, but I don't think I'd ever want to live with her. My ex-boyfriend and my husband got along alright but I don't think either one of them would have ever wanted to live with the other one.

I wouldn't put any type of pressure on your husband to try to become friends with Sam so you can eventually live together. That's just a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. If Sam and Nate become friends, that's great, I just would leave them alone to figure out that part of their relationship by themselves. Even though both of them are involved with you, if and when a friendship forms between them, it is THEIR friendship and you should treat it like it has nothing to do with you.

Other than that, I think you're doing a great job. It's important to listen to our partners and understand them and I think you're doing great with that.
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Old 03-29-2014, 03:34 AM
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Im definitely letting the development of their relationship go at their pace and i don't feel any need to rush. Sam and I took the girls on our trip to the mall tonight. I was bringing the girls home and nate suggested I just go out with Sam after because he "wouldn't be any fun" sam and I really appreciated the gesture but i chose to stay home anyway.
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Old 03-29-2014, 01:19 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I suppose it is an adjustment of sorts for Nate. Maybe in due time he can forge a friendship with Sam. How much interaction do they have? Is it always awkward, or are they a bit more at ease now?

As with all things, give it time. I am happy that you are happy, and I hope it continues to go well for all of you.

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Old 03-29-2014, 07:16 PM
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Well they are facebook friends so they comment on each others posts and mine periodically. Nate had only met Sam 2 years ago when sam was dating my friend. Nate has known about my crush on sam this entire Time and would tease me about it. A couple weeks ago sam showed up at my house because he was supposed to meet mw but he got confused and came by my house instead if where I was at. He asked if he could. Come in when nate answered the door and they visited for awhile. It was awkward for both but Sam was glad it happened. Nate doesn't have an issue with sam but he doesn't feel like they would be friends other than game acquaintances if I wasn't in the picture. Sam really likes nate. He has a lot of respect for him and wants to build a rapport with him even though he knows that will take time.
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Old 03-30-2014, 09:28 PM
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Last night sam and I went to a "kegger" that I had been invited to by one of my co-workers. It was a lot of fun, we shared a bottle of peach vodka? Took a bath in the Jacuzzi tub (so freaking awesome)then walked home. I tend to be a wallflower and even though sam also has social anxiety he really brings out this silly side of me. A close friend of mine that used to live here was like that, ive missed that more than I thought.

I went home earlier tham notmal this afternoon because I have to work and wanted to spend time with my family first. Nate was in a better mood and we talked more and it was a good talk. I truly feel that he's sorting out his feeling and mourning the loss of the future he imagined we would have.
He really thought it would be just he and me living together in our older age. The prospect of sam moving in with us a few years from now would change all that. Again I told him it's so far off and I would never force it on him. It seemed to make sense we would just share space because I wouldn't have to go between homes but if he was truly unhappy any it then sam wouldn't move in. He acknowledges that would not be any better.

Nate also said that sam and I doing stuff together make him feel like things we've done. (Taking a bath together for example) but I reminded him that he's done things like shower with others and that didn't make our showers together less special.
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Old 03-30-2014, 09:33 PM
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Oh and if people at the office didn't know about me being poly or sam and I being together they do now :P several people were there last night. Comfortable with that, people that actually talk to me on a regular basis know that im poly and about sam anyway. He says he's proud to have me as a girlfriend and im not ashamed to be poly. Im the weird vegan chic who had 2 unassisted homebirth as ate my placenta, nothing I do should shock those people lol
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Old 04-02-2014, 05:34 PM
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things have been really good with Nate and me. these past couple days ive been feeling very amorous toward him, where before we had a bit of a disconnect. it's nice that things are back to normal.
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Old 04-13-2014, 05:34 PM
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Nate had a date last night, this gal that he's been talking to for a very long time. she's pregnant and that is super sexy for him, i hope he cam "hit that" because I know that is a desire he has. he told me last night that she's very much like him, i think that's pretty cool because i think Sam is very much like me and that sense of whimsy when you meet a kindred spirit. He's trying to make plans with her for monday since that is when i have classes and one of my overnights with Sam.

things are going great with Sam, although i was very inebriated last night and when in that state I find that I dont like him that much (although im fully aware that i feel that way and why when im in that state so it doesnt bother me because i know it's only because im in that state) i told Sam how i felt and he got a bit miffed with me. i understand why but it was really uncomfortable seeing him in that light. I almost wanted to just call it a night and go home, I found myself scared. Not that he was doing anything wrong but I could tell that he was bothered although his words said otherwise, his tone betrayed him. We made love instead and all was well. I sobered up some and we were able to have a heart to heart.

See Im very much a libra and he's very much a scorpio. Im very insensitive and he's very sensitive. Its hard for me to empathise with others because things rarely bother me and I assume that it wont bother them. I need to realize that people really are sensitive and be aware that my words (although not meant to be hurtful) does have an impact. Sam needs to learn that "that's just Sue" and that's my way and I never mean anything by the things I say, im just being true to myself and how i feel at the moment.

i think last night was a good learning experience for both of us.
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