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  #11  
Old 07-31-2013, 02:46 AM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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If we turned our backs on everyone who has done wrong, we would be living in a faceless world.

That said, does he take ownership of the wrong he did? Has he or is he working to make amends? Yes? It's your call if you want to keep him a part of your life. No? DTMFA, imho.

Who put the pedestal under him in the first place? They're generally not good places to put people.
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  #12  
Old 07-31-2013, 11:38 AM
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I am not really fussed about the cheating to be honest but the filming wtf? He could be arrested for that in some parts. That imo deserves an arse whooping!
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  #13  
Old 07-31-2013, 12:06 PM
PipersGirl PipersGirl is offline
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A couple of thoughts I had on this situation…

If he was in a *mutually* agreed upon monogamous relationship with his partner at the time and he engaged in sexual activity with another partner, then he did cheat on and he did lie to this partner.

So, is it ok to lie and cheat so one can do whatever one wants, despite any standing mutual agreements?

I have a HUGE problem with being lied to (and to me, cheating is a form of lying), so my relationship probably wouldn’t survive my partner cheating on me. If I can’t trust someone, I’m not going to share my life or my body with him.

There’s also the issue of the unprotected sex. He cheats and has unprotected sex with two different women. His partner, who believes them to be monogamous, doesn’t have all the information to make an informed decision about her sexual activity with him i.e. - to engage in unprotected sex with him or any sex at all.

In this situation, though, there’s an even bigger issue for me: the fact that he videotaped these women WITHOUT their permission. That is not only creepy, repulsive and an invasion of privacy, it also may be illegal depending on the state. And I would wonder if he’d taken video of me without my permission.

Even if I was able to move past the cheating, I don’t know if I could (or would even want to) move past the fact that he’d violated another by videotaping them without their permission.

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  #14  
Old 07-31-2013, 01:28 PM
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First, a bit of disclosure. My first marriage (yes, I've been married twice... I know) ended because my spouse had an affair. I spent a lot of years carrying around a lot of hate in my heart for her. Even now when I look back on it I can't help but feel a twinge of resentment. We had agreed upon a couple of things and she chose to turn her back on that agreement.

The relevant piece of information for this thread is what we had actually agreed upon. We agreed that neither of us would have any sexual interaction with anyone but one another AND we agree on the fact that sexual interaction is viewed as a holy event. Now, we never actually discussed the second part but it was pretty obviously part of the agreement; it is why so many people respond with wild arm waving, gnashing and waling, and violence when someone cheats and why this kind of irrational behavior is so widely accepted by common society.

Both of these agreements are totally daft in my current worldview. When I look back on my first marriage with my resentful eyes I recognize that she flagrantly broke my trust BUT I try to mitigate my emotional involvement with that fact by recognizing the "trust" was built on a faulty thought process.

My solution going forward has been to entirely let go of the idea that another persons sexuality is my business. It is decidedly NOT my business. I made my ex wifes sexuality my business and she did what people do when that is the case... she cheated. Was my broken worldview wrong or was her rebellion from it wrong? Both? Neither, maybe. I would say that my worldview was childish, her agreeing to it was childish, and her inability to tell me that she didn't want to function that way anymore was childish. We were a couple of dumb asses who were living by utterly flawed thought processes.

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Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
I have a HUGE problem with being lied to (and to me, cheating is a form of lying), so my relationship probably wouldn’t survive my partner cheating on me. If I can’t trust someone, I’m not going to share my life or my body with him.
PG, I don't disagree with anything you said in particular; I would just say that a person should look closely at the situations they are building in which a partner could be viewed as lying to us. Is it because we have set up some kind of restriction or is it because this person is just a compulsive liar and lives a life of deceit?

What is it exactly IV could do which I would view as a lie? I'm not sure. She is not accountable to me for any of her actions so it would have to be some very specific situation (or she would have become a compulsive liar and just started lying to me for no reason). Essentially she would need to decide that she doesn't like me any more and would start being deceptive for fun - and to end the relationship. This wouldn't happen because that's not who she is, but it is also a function of the "rules" of our relationship.

In my opinion, if lying is something that is a monolithic figure in my worldview then I should either control my partner completely or not at all. That is to say, if there are a number of ways built in to our relationship where a person can brake my trust then am I just setting them up for failure?

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Even if I was able to move past the cheating, I don’t know if I could (or would even want to) move past the fact that he’d violated another by videotaping them without their permission.
That was a pretty dick move. It is even more of a dick move because everyone knows how freakishly sensitive people are about their sexuality. There is a word which I can't remember for something which cannot be compared to anything else. It is generally used to describe a god assertion, but I would say that it also seems to apply to sexuality. Any claim we can make about just about anything gets the volume turned up to eleven if it involves sexuality in some way.
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  #15  
Old 07-31-2013, 03:24 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
irst, a bit of disclosure. My first marriage (yes, I've been married twice... I know) ended because my spouse had an affair. I spent a lot of years carrying around a lot of hate in my heart for her. Even now when I look back on it I can't help but feel a twinge of resentment. We had agreed upon a couple of things and she chose to turn her back on that agreement.

The relevant piece of information for this thread is what we had actually agreed upon. We agreed that neither of us would have any sexual interaction with anyone but one another AND we agree on the fact that sexual interaction is viewed as a holy event. Now, we never actually discussed the second part but it was pretty obviously part of the agreement; it is why so many people respond with wild arm waving, gnashing and waling, and violence when someone cheats and why this kind of irrational behavior is so widely accepted by common society.

Both of these agreements are totally daft in my current worldview. When I look back on my first marriage with my resentful eyes I recognize that she flagrantly broke my trust BUT I try to mitigate my emotional involvement with that fact by recognizing the "trust" was built on a faulty thought process.

My solution going forward has been to entirely let go of the idea that another persons sexuality is my business. It is decidedly NOT my business. I made my ex wifes sexuality my business and she did what people do when that is the case... she cheated. Was my broken worldview wrong or was her rebellion from it wrong? Both? Neither, maybe. I would say that my worldview was childish, her agreeing to it was childish, and her inability to tell me that she didn't want to function that way anymore was childish. We were a couple of dumb asses who were living by utterly flawed thought processes.
To me, this translates to "I do not feel that I deserve respect and trust. People will always cheat in monogamous relationships so everyone might as well have non mono relationships so there are no rules/boundaries/agreements to keep. It reminds me of the kind of things habitual cheaters say and those that are habitually cheated on.
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  #16  
Old 07-31-2013, 03:53 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
To me, this translates to "I do not feel that I deserve respect and trust. People will always cheat in monogamous relationships so everyone might as well have non mono relationships so there are no rules/boundaries/agreements to keep. It reminds me of the kind of things habitual cheaters say and those that are habitually cheated on.


This is awesome because now you two know you're incompatible regardless of how great the sex is.
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  #17  
Old 07-31-2013, 03:55 PM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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I am fairly morally ambiguous personally and I tend to become involved with those who are of like mind ..

So, I am not going to comment on the im/moral nature of what you posted but simply state that there are things that a partner would do that would bother me and I would need to discuss in order to move forward but there are others that there would be no return from - irrespective of the general consensus as to whether what he did was or was not a transgression 'per se' - if it is a transgression in your book and he fails to be able to discuss the events to your satisfaction .. then, it's a no-brainer.
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  #18  
Old 07-31-2013, 04:25 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post

I understand that it can be shocking to discover that someone you know very well has done something, in the past, which is against your moral code. However, I think it is valuable to keep things in reasonable perspective and not let yourself surrender entirely to knee-jerk emotion.

Someone who was horny, had a video tape, was not willing to deny himself the pleasure of sex with a new and willing partner, and was not willing to divulge it to his monogamous partner.

My advice? Grow up - talk to him and see what he has to say. Or leave him because you don't trust his word anymore... either way, this irrational hate is not going to help anyone.
I'm really confused by the difference in responses ...a emotional charged guy posts and throw the word and rape and assault around on anonymous forum and ..... hey watch the slander buddy. Trying to improve public discourse and harmony.

AND then here....


This guy broke a commitment to his wife whether you agree or he agrees with that "crazy " agreement ....like pissing in the shower it's a rule. Dick count 1 .
Then he has unprotected sex with not 1 but 2 ....and how many more that he didnt record ...oh yeah we can believe him on that.... why? Thats Super DICK count 2 ...I actually typed cunt there (typo) ...but that works too.

THEN THE super ...SUPER part he fucking tapes it. It's illegal to tape a phone call in most states without a persons knowledge....I'm sure he could get his ass sued for that..if not criminal charges. Count #3 ....he's fucking low life scumbag ...creepy ...I dont give a fuck how you want to paint that..." horny guy with a tape" fucking creepy predator exploiting women.

Grow up..... really. Wake up

Last edited by dingedheart; 07-31-2013 at 05:59 PM.
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  #19  
Old 07-31-2013, 04:46 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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You know I am such an idiot I missed the unprotected sex part....now that's plain stupid.
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  #20  
Old 07-31-2013, 05:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Grow up..... really. Wake up
You quoted me but I can't tell if you're actually talking to me. If that was intended to create some kind of dialogue between us you'll need to be a bit more clear on what you are actually saying.
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