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  #1  
Old 10-19-2014, 01:36 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Default Problems with low sex drive

Me and my guys recently moved in together, and most things have been going very well. The guys have strengthened their friendship and the overall feeling at home is good; lots of love and affection and companionship. We are renovating this house together, and the project goes slowly but proceeds. Both me and CJ have new jobs, there is no financial trouble.

However, I have lost my sex drive. Like completely lost it. And since my guys have no other partners, this means very little to no sex in this household. I expected this to be just temporary and get fixed by itself soon, but it has been going on for months now, and there is no sign of the sex drive returning.

This is starting to bother us all, and I have had discussions about it with both guys. I think the main reason why the sex drive disappeared is all the new responsibilities in my life; especially owning a property and doing the renovation has been extremely stressful to me. I feel like I need to spend each and every free moment doing household stuff or renovation stuff, and there just is no energy left for sex.

Also, it has felt surprisingly easy to slip back into not having sex. Most of my adult life I have lived single and celibate, so not having a sex life feels in a way comfortable and easy. I do not really miss having sex. When I was single I used to have an active life with many ongoing projects, and in many ways my life now feels similar. Of course this is not something my guys signed up for - I used to have an active sex life with them both prior to the move. This came as a surprise to me, too. Ever since I started having sex, I have had a steady sex life with no longer pauses than a couple of weeks.

Anyone have any similar experiences? Any thoughts or advice? I really would like to get my sex drive back and start having a “normal” sex life in this new situation. What could I do? What could my guys do to help me want sex again?
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  #2  
Old 10-19-2014, 04:10 PM
Candiedlove Candiedlove is offline
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Part of being poly is taking care of yourself. They should probably have been nurturing other romantic relationships-- expecting you to meet both their full romantic/Intimate/sexual needs is unrealistic.

However, a temporary fix could be them seeking play partners.

That way you can ease out of your slump without pressure
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Newly poly, but never monogamous

The "polyship":

Me 28F,
Sam 39M, my partner
Jen 38F, Sam's fwb & my friend

The former players:
Candi 41F, Sam's and my fwb/emphasis on the "f"/light on the "b"
Felycia 29F, Sam's and my fwb?/potential girlfriend
Leana 29F, Sam's and my girlfriend
Charlene, Sam's ex-wife
Paul, Charlene's boyfriend
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  #3  
Old 10-19-2014, 05:23 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Thank you for your insight!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Candiedlove View Post
Part of being poly is taking care of yourself.
This is so true... probably I should remind myself on this, too. I have been so preoccupied of taking care of everything and everyone else that I have forgotten about myself. Would probably need some time to relax and re-connect with myself first, and maybe the sex drive would be back little by little.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Candiedlove View Post
They should probably have been nurturing other romantic relationships-- expecting you to meet both their full romantic/Intimate/sexual needs is unrealistic.

However, a temporary fix could be them seeking play partners.

That way you can ease out of your slump without pressure
I agree with this, in theory. But... CJ has not had much luck in dating others and Mark is mono. So I don't think there will be any new partners in the near future. Mark seems to be okay with the situation, he enjoys the kisses and cuddles and everyday little things - but he is worried about my well-being. And I am worried about CJ's well-being.
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  #4  
Old 10-19-2014, 05:39 PM
Candiedlove Candiedlove is offline
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Honestly, this is why I don't date monos. Aside from the fact that I can't indulge in compersion for them...or share mutually loved partners...I just don't want to be in your position.

Obviously, you can't choose who you love, but understand that this sort of stressful environment is something you'll just have to learn to accommodate.

Also, by take care of yourself, I rather was referring to your partners. They can't just depend on you; you have two partners. They have to take care of their own needs somehow, too.
__________________
Newly poly, but never monogamous

The "polyship":

Me 28F,
Sam 39M, my partner
Jen 38F, Sam's fwb & my friend

The former players:
Candi 41F, Sam's and my fwb/emphasis on the "f"/light on the "b"
Felycia 29F, Sam's and my fwb?/potential girlfriend
Leana 29F, Sam's and my girlfriend
Charlene, Sam's ex-wife
Paul, Charlene's boyfriend
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  #5  
Old 10-20-2014, 09:37 AM
hightreason hightreason is offline
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Unfortunately, I have no advice on what to do. What I can say is that this is a very common problem, in my experience, when women move in with their men (maybe happens with lesbians as well, but I wouldn't know). Out of the three women I have lived with, it happened with all three of them once we moved in together. What I can say is that, in my experience, the sex drive does not come back. Not in a few months... not in a few years... I have never seen it happen.

Moving apart again could possibly fix the problem. Otherwise, your guys will likely just have to find other sexual partners.
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  #6  
Old 10-20-2014, 12:26 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hightreason View Post
Unfortunately, I have no advice on what to do. What I can say is that this is a very common problem, in my experience, when women move in with their men (maybe happens with lesbians as well, but I wouldn't know). Out of the three women I have lived with, it happened with all three of them once we moved in together. What I can say is that, in my experience, the sex drive does not come back. Not in a few months... not in a few years... I have never seen it happen.
This was not exactly what I wanted to hear, but thank you for your insight anyway. I have seen this happen to others, as well, and don't want to be doomed to go that way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hightreason View Post
Moving apart again could possibly fix the problem. Otherwise, your guys will likely just have to find other sexual partners.
Moving apart is not a possibility at the moment. My guys are free to find new partners, and that might solve the problem for them. But, I doubt the closeness and the intimacy between me and my guys will stay without the sex share.

There must be another solution, I just need to find it.
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  #7  
Old 10-20-2014, 03:02 PM
hightreason hightreason is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
My guys are free to find new partners, and that might solve the problem for them. But, I doubt the closeness and the intimacy between me and my guys will stay without the sex share.

There must be another solution, I just need to find it.
You are probably right that some intimacy will be lost without the sex. Honestly, this is what largely broke us up with the first two of the women I have lived with. They were vehemently mono, however, and so breaking up was the only option. I am still with the third and it has also been somewhat mono so far, but I am trying to move it to a full poly relationship in order to save it. I have been with her almost 5 years and realize that her sex drive is never coming back. I hope I can save the relationship be moving it to poly. However, if that doesn't work, there's a break up in our future as well.

I hope you do find a solution. If you do, let me know. I'd try anything!
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  #8  
Old 10-20-2014, 03:35 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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No low sex is not a problem for folks who live together.

I live equally between the homes I share with Murf and Butch. I have a higher sex drive than both of them.

Murf is mono. We have an awesome sex life. We are both very satisfied.

I have been married to Butch for 13 years and the spark is very much still there.

I have noticed when there has been sexual dry spells for whatever reason due to illness, stress, life in general I can feel like I could go without sex. If I don't use it I lose it so to speak.
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  #9  
Old 10-20-2014, 03:46 PM
central central is offline
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You may have lost your drive, but have you lost your enjoyment of sex as well? The urge to get sexual may be gone (whether it may return is a complex subject), but if you still enjoy sex when you have it, let yourself respond to any initiation your partners make. You can have responsive desire, and develop sex as an enjoyable habit.

Otherwise, work on learning stress reduction techniques, such as meditation. Also consider seeing a hormone specialist. Sometimes stress levels cause hormone imbalances which can be adjusted. Often progesterone supplements may restore some - or even all - of your libido.
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  #10  
Old 10-20-2014, 03:51 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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I think Dagferi is right - it is a "use it or lose it" thing. But the nice thing about that is you really can fake it until you make it. Not literally, I'm not saying fake orgasms or something. But I am saying that if you just tell yourself "I'm going to have sex with this partner on this day and the other partner on this day", and keep doing that, it'll help bring it back. Good sex makes one want more of it, or at least that's my experience...
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