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  #21  
Old 07-29-2013, 04:19 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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How do you slander someone on an anonymous forum ?


This sounds like the swingers version of waking up without your eye brows or half a permanent marker mustache.

Ya fucked up .......I remember my first beer/drink .....it was all fun right up til the forced blow job. How did your cloth come off ? ...you were forced ?

Friends dont let friends swing drunk....chalk it up to a life lesson.
  #22  
Old 07-29-2013, 04:37 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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How do you slander someone on an anonymous forum ?
That's a fair clarification request. Most people here are pretty much anonymous so there is no risk of reputation damage (other than reputation on this board I guess), so your point is valid. This is however a place where people share ideas and outlooks and it is reasonable to assume that at least some people are going to walk away from reading these threads with a new or reinforced viewpoint on how to behave out in the world.

If that is true, then what we say here is a reflection of how we behave in the 'real world' and I am inclined to discourage people from calling "RAPE" when what really happened is they got drunk and fucked someone. I propose that the world will be a demonstrably better place if people are less likely to have other peoples reputation and possibly their freedom injured simply because they made a dumb mistake.

So it isn't the slander in here that I'm worried about, it is carrying these ideals out to the world and harming people with them that I want to discourage.
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  #23  
Old 07-29-2013, 05:27 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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OP,

You and your partner have my sympathy. Do get counseling, separately and together.

It appears to me that you and your wife were manipulated and abused. That is not normal and it is not poly and it is never acceptable. Neither of you could really give, or withdraw, consent. A lack of 'No' or the inability to say 'No' is not consent.
  #24  
Old 07-29-2013, 05:39 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I am wondering whether Bookbug has misread that section, what the OP wrote was



She was forced to finish the first blowjob she ever gave and is subsequently uncomfortable with doing them therefore according to the OP she would not have enjoyed this more aggressive dominant blow job experience with this man.

That's how I read it at least
Um, if I am not mistaken, but isn't the very definition of rape "forced?" The idea of somebody holding me down and fucking me in the mouth while I gag is horrific.

Last edited by bookbug; 07-29-2013 at 05:46 PM.
  #25  
Old 07-29-2013, 05:44 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I am not saying the OPs didn't put themselves in a very bad position, nor am I saying that at least part of it was not consensual. That said, I do not understand why it is the husband's place to forgive the wife. He is just as responsible for what happened as she is. It makes it sound like she did something wrong that he did not.
  #26  
Old 07-29-2013, 05:57 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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This is NOT anything healthy sounding. Even if consent was given initially it sounds like it went haywire somewhere along the line along with communication.

I'm sorry you guys have gone through all that.

I am glad you are seeing a counselor to process and heal. It goes beyond support of internet strangers to me -- you guys need professional support. It also sounds like coming to terms with a lot of layers (from college to now) that may have been triggered and figuring out what to do next.

In these first few days? Try to not ask "Why?" kinds of things of yourself or of each other.

Could ask "What can I do for myself? My spouse? How can I help make the days between and appt easier on us?" instead.

Could leave the "why" processing to do with the support of your counselor. If there's grounds to press charges, that something else to sort out.

Could take the "time out" to come down from the "fight or flight" hormone/brain chemistry you both seem to have gone through. That takes a few days to clear your body. Do the basics -- eat well, sleep well, take a walk to clear your mind, etc.

Again, I'm glad you have arranged for a counselor. Do what you need to do in your aftercare -- including get screened for STDs. Look after ALL your healths here -- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. BREATHE. And move it forward. One small step at a time.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-30-2013 at 12:05 AM.
  #27  
Old 07-29-2013, 05:59 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Bookbug, the OP did not say she was held down on their night with the couple, the forced blowjob was something which happened (presumably) a long time ago. The OP feels that therefore his wife would have found face f**king a horrible experience, however, that is NOT to say that a) she was held down or b) that the act in itself is a violent act. Many people have and do it on a regular basis without any sort of violent veneer over the act (or even a BDSM/kink veneer) it is just a sex act like any other.

When the OP says he forgives her, he is talking about their night with the couple (no force imo, although a lot of taking advantaged of and a heap load of regret) not something which happened a long time before they met.
  #28  
Old 07-29-2013, 06:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
That said, I do not understand why it is the husband's place to forgive the wife. He is just as responsible for what happened as she is. It makes it sound like she did something wrong that he did not.
As far as I can tell, no one did anything that is in need of forgiving. If hubby thinks this was a mistake then he needs to learn to deal with it and maybe not put himself in that position again. I guess maybe he needs to forgive himself for a series of actions which he now regrets. I'm sure she can take care of her own need for forgiveness (if indeed that need is present).

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
The idea of somebody holding me down and fucking me in the mouth while I gag is horrific.
A considerate lover would surely stop doing that to you once they realized you weren't into it. That is, of course, assuming that you were not into it and alerted the person of this immediately.

My problem with calling this couple rapists is that I haven't heard that either the husband or the wife gave any indication that they were not completely into it at any point. Even even one time one of them had said "Hey, hang on, this is going to fast" or "Quit it" or "Stop"... this would be an entirely different conversation. Since none of that ever happened there is just no reason to throw those terms around.

This is a learning experience, not a reason to call the police.

Because you do realize that rape is sexual assault and the police need to be called. If it's rape then it is not an intellectual discussion and there shouldn't be any doubt whatsoever... because someone will have been raped. Men with guns and body armor need to smash down that couples door, throw them to the ground and put into steel restraints, and they need to be hauled off to prison where they will only be able to rape other inmates. Their children need to be confiscated and taken to foster homes to protect them from the rapists. How can calling an act "rape" be taken so lightly? Rape is a fucking EMERGENCY!
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  #29  
Old 07-29-2013, 07:12 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Bookbug, the OP did not say she was held down on their night with the couple, the forced blowjob was something which happened (presumably) a long time ago. The OP feels that therefore his wife would have found face f**king a horrible experience, however, that is NOT to say that a) she was held down or b) that the act in itself is a violent act. Many people have and do it on a regular basis without any sort of violent veneer over the act (or even a BDSM/kink veneer) it is just a sex act like any other.

When the OP says he forgives her, he is talking about their night with the couple (no force imo, although a lot of taking advantaged of and a heap load of regret) not something which happened a long time before they met.
Oh okay. I am relieved. The account is a bit disjointed and I certainly could have misread. Thanks for clarifying!
  #30  
Old 07-29-2013, 07:20 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post

My problem with calling this couple rapists is that I haven't heard that either the husband or the wife gave any indication that they were not completely into it at any point. Even even one time one of them had said "Hey, hang on, this is going to fast" or "Quit it" or "Stop"... this would be an entirely different conversation. Since none of that ever happened there is just no reason to throw those terms around.

This is a learning experience, not a reason to call the police.

Because you do realize that rape is sexual assault and the police need to be called. If it's rape then it is not an intellectual discussion and there shouldn't be any doubt whatsoever... because someone will have been raped. Men with guns and body armor need to smash down that couples door, throw them to the ground and put into steel restraints, and they need to be hauled off to prison where they will only be able to rape other inmates. Their children need to be confiscated and taken to foster homes to protect them from the rapists. How can calling an act "rape" be taken so lightly? Rape is a fucking EMERGENCY!
I see your point - and apparently, I had misread. That said while rape may be a fucking emergency, sadly woman do get forced, sometimes at gunpoint, sometimes through intimidation, and it often does not get reported, or because she didn't fight back, it's not considered rape.
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