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  #11  
Old 07-29-2013, 11:19 AM
ConfusedMonoCouple ConfusedMonoCouple is offline
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I'm sorry I got so mad. I shouldn't ask questions on the Internet and expect everyone to be civil or sensitive. Thank you to the people that were just trying to give advice. We are both just so confused. We've been together six years and went from our very first mention of involving other couples to sex in like 1.5 hours and my wife doesn't even flirt with other guys. She went from me eating her out to him having sex with her so fast that, even if she had a moment to question it she was already getting fucked; and my wife likes getting fucked. She would've went from "is this ok?" to "I love our new thing." in no time at all, especially when she was drunk. We take responsibility for that and for myself not recognizing that it was possible for something like that to happen. Hindsight is a bitch. But now she's sick because it wasn't "our new thing." Some guy I thought was our friend swooped in like the wind while my back was turned and seeing her like that took my spine away completely. My wife, who doesn't even look at other men. When I walked in from the bathroom they both looked at me in a way... I hate myself for it. I didn't understand. I thought she was afraid she'd gone too far, doing something not even we do alone. But her face was telling me something happened while I was gone that wasn't right. I thought she was showing me attention because she felt bad, wanted to assure me it was ok. But she wanted my protection. When I didn't give it to her, when I somehow, however it happened in the blank space, gave her back to that man. And she begged for it later. And had sex with him a second time. She feels like she begged the devil himself for dick. I wanted her to feel bad about what she did at first, though I did nothing to encourage it, my pain from witnessing it was enough. But now she feels far more pain than is appropriate for the situation. She hates herself so much. I'm sorry poly folks. I know what the difference between poly and swingers now. Just goes to show how little we knew I guess. I clearly need a therapist because I can stop this stuff pouring out of me even when it's not the place. I wouldn't call what I did in college date rape but it was definately predatory and manipulative. I know it was wrong.
  #12  
Old 07-29-2013, 11:49 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Here's the thing, and it's not about not understanding how upsetting and freaked out you both feel. It would be EASIER to say they were predatory and you both were hapless victims. That way you could both band together and talk of the bad bad things these other people did TO you.

What they did was not right. No ifs ands or buts from me! However, a big lesson many adults still don't learn is that we are not completely right in any situation. Look, when early in our marriage DH and I were dealing with some things it was easier for him to blame an outside source and not me for anything. Why? He loves me and wants this relationship to work. Guess what? More than a decade later we are now opening old wounds and dealing with it. Because at some point you DO have to realize where you yourself went wrong. It's not to say that you deserve what happened to you, it's more about seeing where your own actions and thoughts got you into more trouble than you wanted.

You were freaked, unsure how to react. Got it. And it's hard as hell to admit that and to admit that because you were freaked you did not handle things well. That you made mistakes along the way that made a bad situation worse. But you are both human and the last thing you want is to later feel resentful towards each other as you emotionally get through this and start thinking thoughts about what you think you and your partner SHOULD HAVE done. So yes, go to counseling, as embarrassing as it is admit where you went wrong, where you should have said or done something else. It was a bad situation, and it wasn't wholly your fault, but if you can't admit to each other where you went wrong, there is going to be a build up of resentment. "Why didn't he do something?" "Why didn't she say something?" Not because you blame each other but because you are both hurting, both made mistakes and were both responsible for your own reactions.

Being an adult means not being able to take the easy way out anymore and putting all the bad stuff on other people. It means having to man up and say "This sucked, what XYZ did was horrible but man did I handle it badly. I need to figure out how to better handle it in the future and stand up for myself when I'm not happy/comfortable."
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  #13  
Old 07-29-2013, 11:52 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default You do understand, don't you

that it doesn't matter what "normal" behavior is. It doesn't matter if everyone in the world tells you what happened and informs you of the terms you are allowed to label what happened.

I said I couldn't say , only because I wasn't there.

You do understand what I am saying to you, don't you. Without bringing the incident you and your wife went through, because that is something I don't have the right to tell you which side of the line each and every step fell on, even If I could tell you, I don't have that right.

But in reading the responses here, I want to make sure that you do know and that you do recognize the type of people you think are worth spending your time with or even around, some people are worth your time, and some people aren't worth the lead to blow them to hell. Some people are fine to be in the same building with and others you must inform them that it is time to go.

I hope you understand why my words may seem cold or uncaring, and that you hear they neither.

And it is a shame that when things like this occur, people are often more worried about being careful not to admit their mistakes, then they are at making possible mistakes right, and it doesn't mean shit to me how otherwise good, or kind, or how trustworthy people are other than this one time.

I am not going lie to you and tell you that you're lucky it wasn't worse, or that you have no right to complain when things happen all over the world that are "real" injustices or that you just have to get over it. Because that is a bunch of horse shit and completely irrelevant. Precedence doesn't mean shit and doesn't dictate where the boundaries are that distinguish right from wrong,

because it is NOT just the way the world is, you do not have to accept any of this as normal nor OK.

and I am sorry Natja, but the claim "you went to the toilet you returned, saw something that made you uncomfortable and you allowed the whole sex session to continue does say something about consent."

No, it doesn't anything about consent, it doesn't say a god damned word, not even implied consent

But yes, that is a common misconception, and I understand how some people make the mistake of believing that and I also understand how some asshole actually believe that is consent, and after the fact what means more to me is a person's behavior after the fact

And I hope all the readers understand you can be part of the solution, or part of the problem, And I hope most people don't choose to be part of the problem, because that would be a very, very, male thing to do. And it kind pisses me off because it in an indication that this site might be chalk full of idiots and incompetents rather than good advice

don't be part of the problem, because you are not likely to think it's fair should if the problem suddenly got solved

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 07-29-2013 at 12:17 PM. Reason: typos
  #14  
Old 07-29-2013, 01:08 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedMonoCouple View Post
I'm sorry I got so mad. I shouldn't ask questions on the Internet and expect everyone to be civil or sensitive.
Everyone here has been perfectly civil. While there isn't a lot of hand holding gentleness in this thread, I don't see anyone being insensitive either. I would say this has been an example of a very constructive conversation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedMonoCouple View Post
I wouldn't call what I did in college date rape but it was definately predatory and manipulative. I know it was wrong.
It seems that you are relentlessly attempting to externalize responsibility for the decisions of you and your wife. I propose that recovery from the mistake will come swifter and more thoroughly if you let go of the need to have a bad guy in the scenario.

You and your wife need to focus on "where to go from here".. not "who can we blame for what".
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  #15  
Old 07-29-2013, 01:24 PM
ConfusedMonoCouple ConfusedMonoCouple is offline
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We noticed it works. It is a lot easier to blame them. We decided we're ok with it until we see a therapist. I know its fucked up but its not like we're in contact with them or we're going to hurt them. Its just to take the load off. That being said.. these people were our friends. The husband was more sober than the rest of us. We trusted them a lot. And they are smart people. We refuse to believe he didn't know that it was an optimal time to get with my wife if he wanted to, with all of us drunk and never having discussed boundaries. We refuse to believe he didn't understand the consequences fucking someone in a monogamous couple with no warning that he knew beforehand had NEVER discussed swapping. We trusted him, and he put us aside to get his dick wet. Its true. So is what you said.
  #16  
Old 07-29-2013, 01:26 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedMonoCouple View Post
To the person from reddit. There were more things we began to remember, and my wife began to remember. Things that weren't in the reddit post. Things that would take too long to explain. I've decided it doesn't matter if they are true for me and my wife, because I forgive her no matter what. I just wondered if what they did was normal.
Regardless of the motivations of the other couple, what happened to you was horrible.

But I have to ask, does your wife forgive you?

Why? I don't see that she did anything for which she requires your forgiveness. Seriously? You yourself state she was being held down and forced to blow this asshole. So you forgive her being raped? Way to go!
  #17  
Old 07-29-2013, 01:40 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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CMC, to answer your question, this is not Poly.
Definitely go talk to a counselor. Definitely get yourselves tested for STIs. It's okay to be angry, but please make sure you take care of yourselves.
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Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
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  #18  
Old 07-29-2013, 01:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
You yourself state she was being held down and forced to blow this asshole. So you forgive her being raped? Way to go!
Wait, she was being held down and raped?
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  #19  
Old 07-29-2013, 01:59 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Wait, she was being held down and raped?
I am wondering whether Bookbug has misread that section, what the OP wrote was

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedMonoCouple View Post

Also, I got up and went to the bathroom once. When I came back the man was facefucking my wife while his wife went down on her. He stopped when I came in. I asked her about it. She said "No no. I was just too drunk. I was doing it wrong, being clumsy. I couldn't hold myself up." I told her what I saw and she remembered. He was gagging her. She was tried pushing him away but didn't stop until I re-entered. And he started as soon as I left the room. She started to cry. She was forced to finish the first blowjob she ever gave. She's not all that comfortable with them and she can't have your hands on her head.
She was forced to finish the first blowjob she ever gave and is subsequently uncomfortable with doing them therefore according to the OP she would not have enjoyed this more aggressive dominant blow job experience with this man.

That's how I read it at least
  #20  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
She was forced to finish the first blowjob she ever gave and is subsequently uncomfortable with doing them therefore according to the OP she would not have enjoyed this more aggressive dominant blow job experience with this man.

That's how I read it at least
That's what I saw as well Natja.

Guys, calling people rapists and predators is a very serious thing. I really recommend calming down from this kind of slander. Certainly given the fact that this situation SCREAMS consent, again, unless I'm missing a big chunk of this story.

There are predators and rapists out there, they use coordinated tactics to get people to submit to them. These people are very dangerous and should be flogged like the bullies that they are. Every time there is a "crying wolf" situation like this one is casts a shadow of doubt onto the real claims of coercion.
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