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Old 07-26-2013, 03:27 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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What judgmental responses? I didn't see anything but honest, straightforward feedback. You can read a sentence like "What did you expect?" or "What is the problem?" with an irritated tone, or a compassionate one.

It sounded, at first, like you felt as if you were "stuck holding the bag." You have the "serious," more committed relationship and there are certain responsibilities you feel go hand-in-hand with that, but she seems to have "all the fun" simply because they're not as serious and don't have as many responsibilities to work on things that you feel you do. AND you are disappointed that the Vee didn't happen the way you dreamed it would.

Mostly, I think the problem/disappointment comes from expectations you had or still have. Personally, I would still consider it a Vee - he still has a relationship with her. But you expect a Vee to look a certain way, for metamours to interact in certain ways, for the work you all put into your relationships with him to be done or shared a certain way, etc. Now, you might take this as harsh or judgmental, but I say this with compassion: mind your own business! Seriously, how he conducts his relationship with her and what she puts into her relationship with him is none of your business. It is not your relationship to manage, nor concern yourself with. In fact, you are judging her. So, I think this is a good learning opportunity for you, to look at issues surrounding having expectations, wanting to be in control, feeling like everything has to be equal, and see what beliefs you have operating here that are keeping you from enjoying what you do have! Good luck!
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Old 07-26-2013, 02:01 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Originally Posted by Effie View Post
I think you are misunderstanding me. *laughs* likely I didn't explain it very well. My problem is not her, or that they see each other. I am trying to wrap my own head around how SHE ended the relationship. But yet they interact in all the same ways as they did prior. She ended it because poly isn't for her in the long run, or this relationship. Yet she is, in effect, still in a poly relationship. Without labeling it a relationship so no, she isn't having to put any work into it on the same level. There are no relationship wide decisions and so on. It was her choice. Maybe what i should be saying is she ended the commitment portion, though she does word it as relationship.

I do not expect (nor want) her to go away. Not at all. They have a very good and loving connection. She is an amazing person, and I know that his life is better for her being in it.

I don't feel like she is "getting away" with something. I asked for some perspective and if I was looking at it wrong. Which apparently I was so thank you for pointing that out in no uncertain terms.

We were a V, we did not have plans of becoming a triad, but it was hoped that we would all become friends, and would one day all be living under the same roof. It was the end goal. I cannot say if we ever would have been a triad or not.

And yes, because of the boundaries we have set in the relationship, our other relationships do have something to do with each other. No, we do not wish to dictate the terms of each others relationships, but we do realize the impact that other relationships could have on our own.

And Marcus, relationships do require work. Work in the way of good communication to grow together. Work in the way or defining mutual goals within our relationship and building toward them. Not work like a 9 - 5 job of toiling with low pay.

LovingRadiance thank you for your response. After reading all of this and going back and thinking about it for a bit, I realized what is bothering me. By deciding not to pursue a relationship with him any longer, but by still having this particular relationship, what happened was I got cut out. We are not a V any longer, but a couple here, and their friendship there. So i guess I need to work on my feelings of exclusion. (no, not jealousy, so please do not everyone go and decide that I MUST be jealous simply because this is a learning and growing process for me).

opalescent ... I am not bent out of shape. But thanks. I never even intimated that I thought they should not have contact. I am friends with every single one of my exes. They are all people I have loved, or still love. My SO is the same way. I would not want him not speaking with her, as I have said, I know how close they are with each other and that is a non-issue for me.

Honestly, I was a bit shocked to come and find judgemental responses. I was looking for insight. if I wanted judgement I could have walked into the nearest Baptist Church.

Still, there was some good stuff in between all the judgement. Things that did just what I asked for ... gave me some insight into why I was feeling unsettled. And it is simply because I am feeling the breakup for what it means to me. I had a future in mind that included the three of us under one roof, of being a family. I feel like I am mourning losing that a bit.

Maybe next time someone asks for advice or insight you could not rush to conclusions and make assumptions.
Lol if you read the forum you can get an idea of what kind of feedback you can expect.
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Old 07-26-2013, 02:16 PM
Effie Effie is offline
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Marcus, given your personal view on life your response makes much more sense now, and I do see the value in it, it just isn't how -I- am. Today. Since I have done a lot of growing and changing myself over the last few years I do see that having my personal goals and such are important to me. I do not want everything in my life to revolve around my relationship(s). I do not want to feel like I am left with nothing if one comes to it's end. Thank you very much for your input, it is a perspective I definitely was not seeing on my own. =)

LovingRadiance ... yes! All of that. I am definitely feeling the loss of a "family member" *laughs* For US, because that is what my SO wishes, as do I, each other's relationships ARE our business. Not in a controlling each other's time and putting limits on things way, but acknowledging that the things that impact those relationships also impact ours, and discussing things with each other (like vacations not together and so on). And in defining together just how much importance we wish to give to other relationships at this time. For now we do not wish other primary relationships, but relationships with less group responsibility while we strengthen ours. I think that once we are living under the same room then that will change. I'm not sure I am explaining that right, I haven't had any coffee yet. Thank you so much for your response, it is definitely helping me put words to my feelings.

GalaGirl ... so well put, thank you! And thank you to the article, as that does put things into perspective as well. I am going to be sharing that with my SO as soon as he wakes up. The waterbed analogy is a good visual. I do appreciate the input, quite a lot.

nycindie ... you are right. While I felt that some of you read my own words wrong, I did the same thing. I spun a tone I expected over what may have actually been transmitted. I have gone over and re-read every response, and can see that there was only honest answers given. And just as I realize each poly relationship is different with it's own unique dynamics, I realize that everyone comes from their own space and experiences which have shaped all the responses. I'm actually not judging her. I am trying to understand a dynamic that is new to me. And I very much appreciate your input, hard realities included.

I should also add that this dynamic is quite new to me. In past poly relationships I have been one of two couples that were involved with each other on varying levels, and at one point a group of 3 couples. I am struggling with the new dynamics and think I need to just relax and not try and put any sort of labels to things and just appreciate them for what they are. Relationships that enrich both of our lives and therefor our life together.

Thank you very much, for some further understanding on your part and some wise and helpful words, all of which have me in a better place today. =)
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Old 07-26-2013, 10:33 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by Effie View Post
... she isn't having to put any work into it on the same level. There are no relationship wide decisions and so on.
I guess I'm still not clear, though, what work you want her to do.

Originally Posted by Effie View Post
Honestly, I was a bit shocked to come and find judgemental responses.... if I wanted judgement I could have walked into the nearest Baptist Church.


Maybe next time someone asks for advice or insight you could not rush to conclusions and make assumptions.
Like NYCindie, I didn't feel there was any judgment being made at all. Ironically, that comment about Baptist churches seems a bit critical and judgmental, but maybe it's okay to do that to Baptists?
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Old 07-26-2013, 10:37 PM
Effie Effie is offline
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Default saddled houlicu

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post

Like NYCindie, I didn't feel there was any judgment being made at all. Ironically, that comment about Baptist churches seems a bit critical and judgmental, but maybe it's okay to do that to Baptists?
Actually, I was speaking from my own personal experience in the past. *shrugs* Other than that, i think I pretty much already said that I was likely reading the tone wrong, as someone else suggested, adn I did thank everyone individually for their input, because there was something useful I could take from what everyone said, even if the overall perspective didn't apply to me. =)

Effie, always learning and growing.
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Old 07-28-2013, 02:12 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Location: Middle of Oregon
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Default If he is honest and she isn't being passive aggressive

then it may just be that you are having problems not being exclusive

That would be a standard response for a bunch of text book non-monogamists that may not practice it, or at least not anywhere near the level the present as their experience as the devil is in the details and there is a pretty big difference between fact and fiction (even when the facts may be true the message conveyed is not even close)

I don't think anybody with experience in openly and honestly practicing non-monogamy will have any trouble understanding what you are complaining about. And it is exactly why "titles" or giving something an official name or removing it doesn't really mean anything nor change anything. It does sound more like either your BF or his GF couldn't handle whatever emotional aspect came with the relationship (such as desiring to listen to their friend and be there if they had a bad day, etc...) it sounds like one had to step away, but while communicating "I can't do this" but I am willing to continue "this" and they have found a dynamic that works for them.

So if you are still having problems with their relationship and you are OK with not being sexually exclusive (ie, it's not just the sex between them that bothers you) whatever it is you don't feel comfortable making it public information, which depending on what it is, may be commendable, but for help you will need to talk people it is safe to discuss your problems with but remember nothing gets done to solve the problems until you talk to him about it

The only other thing I can think of, is similar to new relationship energy. Because yes it does suck when your bf/gf is doing all the fun, non-responsible/chances to let your hair down etc... fun things with other people, but when the not so fun adult responsibilities that we all have to deal with corresponds to the time he spends with you.

Yes that sucks, and maybe you too should tell him that you can't handle all the shit in his life and none of the fun and change your dynamic with him too. I now that sounds kind of cold, because people you care about, you should be there for them during the "not fun" times too. So you might want to be sure he is aware of this and if he doesn't start treating you like he cares, you might want to do what the other gf did and say, I can't handle this, and offer what part of your life you are willing to share, which for her sounds like friendly conversation, but not talking about his problems, and occasional sex.

Don't be a doormat because there are definitely people who will treat you like that and take as much as they can possibly get until you say NO. People like that suck, but you have to be able to see people for how they treat you.

If my guess was off base, then the others may not have been giving you an attitude, because either you are not really OK with being non-exclusive or there is something you aren't willing to say.

But yes, if it is essentially new relationship energy type neglect then yes, there are assholes on the forum, sometimes they play stupid and other times it isn't at all an act, and then there is the common occurrence of treating everything like a debate where reality doesn't matter as much as the reader's perception of who is right and who is wrong for each isolated thread as well as the connected threads where a specific point must be made anytime it appears you are going near a certain topic.

Yes it sucks, yes some people are that shallow, no they will never admit it, if it was cake and they ate it they could have chocolate all over their face and they still would deny it. If they had access to your email or the people you had corresponded with they'd post excerpts ver batum, and still claim they never manipulated any other situation with that knowledge, if they had your house gripped and gave sensitive info to authorities illegally and you were punished or convicted of crimes and misdemeanors, trust me they would know exactly why you broke their nose when you ran into them on the street, and if the claim the have no idea why you did it, it is safe to assume they are lying.

There are numerous people on forums who are honest and have integrity, and are good for their word, and there will always be asshole, manipulators, thieves, crooks, extortionists, etc... the list goes on forever. Yes there are such people in the world, if you are friends or acquaintances I would suggest you accept the things you cannot change, but whether or not you accept them as friends is well within your power, people who do you wrong and don't care enough to make it right, are not your friends, so it may be a good idea to recognize that.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 07-28-2013 at 02:29 AM.
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