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  #1  
Old 07-29-2013, 12:33 AM
jlbrickler jlbrickler is offline
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Question Almost new and emotionally unstable

Ok so how to I ask a question to start a discussion when I don't really know what I want or need to ask.

I am currently sitting at home while my husband is out with his girlfriend as I am calling it for now (if you need more background read my introduction). She wants to include me and I am not ready for that at all yet and I am not sure I am ready for this. Because this all started as an elaborate lie I feel like they are way ahead of me on this path and I am trying to catch up but can't seem to. One minute I am seeing the positive and I am ready to head down the path, and other times I just start crying silent tears. I feel like I am in competition even though she does nothing to make me feel like this. I just don't know how to catch up and I have talked to them about it and they say that they understand but I feel like if they did why are they out on a date tonight that was supposed to be the three of us until I got depressed over finding something to wear and backed out of going.

Am I reading into to many things and making myself crazy or is this a normal reaction????
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  #2  
Old 07-29-2013, 12:49 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Three things:

1. Yes you are making yourself crazy
2. Yes this normal.
3. When there have been past indiscretions, it can make the process more work.

It sounds like you and your husband buckled under the default societal view that monogamy is the only way to go. I don't say that as a criticism - but as observation because we have all felt compelled to conform. Unfortunately, no matter how much your husband wanted to conform, it appears he had trouble doing so. Hence the cheating. So unfortunate. That said, I commend you for recognizing the societal pressures, and how they affected your marriage.

The first issue is that your husband did not confide in you that he wasn't up to the task of conformity. This was a huge mistake on his part. That said, people often don't recognize a situation for what it is, until it has gone too far and they have fucked up. We are all good at fooling ourselves.

The new woman sounds like she is more well-versed and was offended by his lack of honesty. Kudos to her.

As for your part, you sound like you logically understand the progression, but your emotions are not matching up. Not at all uncommon. Let me ask you this, when you bowed out tonight, did you tell them to go ahead without you? Or did you confide in them your emotional state? If it is the first example, you can't expect them to read your mind. This is unrealistic and unfair. If you told them you were troubled and they went anyway, then yes, I'd be mad as hell.
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Old 07-29-2013, 01:08 AM
jlbrickler jlbrickler is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Let me ask you this, when you bowed out tonight, did you tell them to go ahead without you? Or did you confide in them your emotional state? If it is the first example, you can't expect them to read your mind. This is unrealistic and unfair. If you told them you were troubled and they went anyway, then yes, I'd be mad as hell.
To answer your question it was a half and half. I did tell him not her. I thought tho that it was just going to dinner as that was what was going to transpire with me but I now know that it is going to be more which upsets me so I asked that he stay the night at her house instead of coming home. I am not sure I can handle it and recently his mother has moved in with us so I don't want her to start snooping around. I agree it is unreasonable to expect her to know but I thought he understood and would be a little more considerate. The only reason I told him to go was because she was making dinner at her house (too private for me currently which is why I got so scared since she is already asking about kissing me and telling me she misses me when I have only actually met her once) and she cooked and cleaned all day which I felt would be rude and now I want to cock block but I don't want to veto which they both say I have a right to do anytime but I don't think it is the right thing to do

Thank you for the honesty, it is exactly what I need to help figure all this out
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Old 07-29-2013, 01:28 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jlbrickler View Post
I got depressed over finding something to wear
I have to ask, is this sort of emotional breakdown normal for you? Or is this a new development related to your husband having an affair and then starting to date the person he had an affair with?

My advice to you, in either case, is to ponder the possibility that you have emotional issues which are entirely unrelated to what your husband (or anyone else, for that matter) is doing. Having a breakdown over what clothes to wear might be "normal" for reality television, but among relatively healthy adults I think that would be classified as a fairly serious issue which should be looked at.

All of our emotional issues are our own to deal with. While your environment sounds challenging, that is nothing special as life is quite often difficult. What we need to do is learn how to respond to these changes in environment constructively. As a possible path of recovery, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is magical stuff which addresses things like having an excessive "catastrophe viewpoint" regarding changes in our environment. Our soft American lives are just not that scary and convincing ourselves that shifting environment is the End of Days is irrational. Fortunately that is something which is simple enough to address as long as we are willing to put the work into it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jlbrickler View Post
Ok so how to I ask a question to start a discussion when I don't really know what I want or need to ask.
Do you want us to guess what the question is that you want to discuss with him? I can only assume that it goes something like "This is moving too fast and I need you guys to stop dating while I get my stuff figured out"

Is that close?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jlbrickler View Post
they understand but I feel like if they did why are they out on a date tonight that was supposed to be the three of us until I got depressed over finding something to wear and backed out of going.
I'm also curious about the details of how this went down. Without details I can only assume that you hinted and hoped that they would cancel their date to take care of you.
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Old 07-29-2013, 01:35 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by jlbrickler View Post
I asked that he stay the night at her house instead of coming home... I thought he understood and would be a little more considerate.
I'm confused, you told him to not only go on the date anyway but to stay the night? And you are upset because he didn't refuse?

If that's the case then what you are doing is playing games. Again, if I understand what is happening correctly I encourage you to stop doing that immediately. Say what you *actually* mean, not some clever version of it which the people around you need to decipher.

While you shouldn't have any say over his relationship (I'm glad to hear that you don't want to VETO, that shit is incredibly unhealthy) you absolutely should make sure your boundaries are known. For example, the issue with her wanting to get with you and you not being interested... you need to SAY THAT and don't mince words. If you allow that situation to go any further then you only have yourself to blame. Please make sure you speak up.

Now is not the time to practice being passive.
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Old 07-29-2013, 01:45 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jlbrickler View Post
. . . she is already asking about kissing me and telling me she misses me when I have only actually met her once . . .
That is WEIRD! WTF? She sounds like a nut job. I wouldn't have gone out with them, either - geez!

I don't think I've read your intro, but does your husband expect you to be involved with her, too? After revealing an infidelity, you're all supposed to be happy-go-lucky-let's-jump-in-the-sack? Are you even into women at all? Has your husband made any attempts to work toward earning back your trust? If not, why not, and are you asking for what you need?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #7  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:12 AM
jlbrickler jlbrickler is offline
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Default did you actually read the whole post or skim it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I'm confused, you told him to not only go on the date anyway but to stay the night? And you are upset because he didn't refuse?

If that's the case then what you are doing is playing games. Again, if I understand what is happening correctly I encourage you to stop doing that immediately. Say what you *actually* mean, not some clever version of it which the people around you need to decipher.

While you shouldn't have any say over his relationship (I'm glad to hear that you don't want to VETO, that shit is incredibly unhealthy) you absolutely should make sure your boundaries are known. For example, the issue with her wanting to get with you and you not being interested... you need to SAY THAT and don't mince words. If you allow that situation to go any further then you only have yourself to blame. Please make sure you speak up.

Now is not the time to practice being passive.
So first off you are a rather cruel person, I don't think you read everything because you seem to be off topic somehow. Maybe that is some of your own personal problems that you are trying to place on my situation.
I am upset that he decided to have sex knowing the way I felt tonight which to me says that his needs are more important than my feelings. Once I found out the plan was for them to have sex (which was not the original plan for the night) I asked that he stay there for the night instead of coming home. I do not disagree with them having a physical relationship just not so soon to me being brought into this relationship. As for your comment about veto it is my choice not to because I like her however the right to influence this relationship is very much mine considering that I am his wife and a much more permanent part of his life.

I was under the impression that this site requested that there be no trolling and it feels very much like your post was a personal attack on me. everyone else has been helpful but I ask that you avoid responding to my posts anymore unless you can do so in a kinder less offensive way

thanks so much for the anger flash tonight it was really not needed.
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Old 07-29-2013, 02:24 AM
jlbrickler jlbrickler is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
That is WEIRD!
I don't think I've read your intro, but does your husband expect you to be involved with her, too? After revealing an infidelity, you're all supposed to be happy-go-lucky-let's-jump-in-the-sack? Are you even into women at all? Has your husband made any attempts to work toward earning back your trust? If not, why not, and are you asking for what you need?
No he does not expect it however it is something that she has made very clear that she wants. tonight I spoke with her about me reservations about tonight and she said that she understands and we will be friends for now.
Also yes I am into girls and have been with both separately and as a group. He has been working very hard to earn my trust as well as hers back since she was lied to also.

Here is the issue I am struggling with...
She met him thinking this was going to be a poly relationship from the beginning they met built a foundation and then I found out, as far as she knew I was in the know the whole time. Now that I know months later they feel like everyone has been together for months where as it has been a week for me and only one face to face meeting. I have explained it to them and they understand but can i really blame them for it being difficult to pretend that they don't already have a relationship? Logically I understand mentally it is hard.

In case my comment about finding something to wear is confusing to anyone else reading there is no deeper issue. Think of it as more of a peacock flashing the biggest most colorful tail feathers. I feel like it is a competition for attention. The bad thing is she is not trying to make me feel that way and neither is he it is in my own head. Is that a normal response???
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  #9  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:34 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I would just let them have each other and find a boyfriend for myself. I would not be involved with their relationship. So he's been lying to her for months making it out like you guys are poly and you know about her?
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  #10  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:34 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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No wonder you feel crazy. It has only been a week since you found out about their months long affair and they are just carrying on like nothing happened? And this woman is in to to you after one face to face meeting? I would not expect immediate friendship either. Tell her to back the hell up and tell your husband what you need. Sweet baby Jesus in a bedazzled onesie. Why is she pushing for a relationship, intimate contact, or at the very least a friendship with you when she does not know you?
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