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Old 07-25-2013, 01:24 AM
PolyAshley PolyAshley is offline
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Default Need some advice

My name is Ashley, and I was hoping to get some advice. First a little bit of a back story.

My husband and I have been married for about 3 and 1/2 years now. From the beginning we both admitted we were poly. We shared a girlfriend early into our relationship. It didn't last long but that was the first time we realized that we wanted more than one partner. About a year ago we started to look for another shared girlfriend. Instead of finding one though I ended up with a girlfriend. Recently we made the choice that he should try and find a girlfriend for himself. He checked out several places online with no avail. Then he started talking to a friend of ours, I'll just call her L. Well for about 2 weeks now my husband and L have been talking pretty much non-stop. She admits that she is falling for him they even went on a date (she took him to dinner and bowling on Saturday) She has been over to our house almost every day for these two week. They are getting very close, they hold hands, cuddle and he has even kissed her a few times but there is only one problem. Even though she admits that she is falling for him, she says that she can't share (meaning him) she has no problem with me and she is not the kind of person to want to break us up or anything she has made that very clear to both of us. She wants so badly to be with him but her fear won't let her do it. My husband is starting to fall for her hard and I want them together badly too because they are a perfect fit. Last night she even stayed the night and I let them have the bed (nothing happened other then a lot of cuddling).

My advice was maybe to wait it out and see if she gets over her fear because it seems like they keep moving forward despite her saying she can't deal with sharing. When she is over I make a point to not be all over my husband, kiss him or cuddle with him because I feel like when she is over it is there time and I get my time with him when we are alone. I guess my question is am I giving him the right advice? Should he try and wait and let their relationship progress as it has been and try not to use the word relationship? Basically let her set the pace? Or am I telling him the wrong things? I would like to know what you think about everything.
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Old 07-25-2013, 03:29 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyAshley View Post
Even though she admits that she is falling for him, she says that she can't share (meaning him) she has no problem with me and she is not the kind of person to want to break us up or anything she has made that very clear to both of us.
I hope the bold part is true. I say this because she is dangerously close to being what some folks would call a "cowgirl", that is, a monogamous person poaching someone from an open relationship. They go in, develop feelings, and try to break up the relationship so they can ride off into the sunset on someones [former] boyfriend.

If I were to give him any advice, it would be to raise my eyebrow and ask him "You are sure she doesn't want us to break up?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyAshley View Post
I guess my question is am I giving him the right advice?
Assuming she isn't a cowgirl, I think "let it play out the way it naturally wants to" would be good all purpose advise.
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Old 07-26-2013, 08:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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This is how it seems to me:
  • Even though she admits that she is falling for him, she says that she can't share (meaning him). (<--- Personal Limitation reached.)
  • She has no problem with you and she is not the kind of person to want to break you guys up or anything. She has made that very clear to both of you.
  • So she doesn't want to share him and she doesn't want to break you two up... but rather than break up with your DH to obey her own limit... she continues to go out on dates with him?
  • "She has been over to our house almost every day for these two week." Dude, that's awfully fast to me there -- what's the "too close too fast" all about?

She has trouble obeying her own limit then. That's one mixed up sounding lady. Doesn't sound like "healthy dating partner" to me.

Both you and husband could help her keep to her own limit since she cannot seem to obey it herself. She sounds drunk on NRE crushies for your DH. If it were actual booze, would you keep offering her drinks past her limit or send her home to dry out and stop giving her booze? Sigh.

Could slow this DOWN to determine how healthy a person she is or not. Or could not mess with fragile/broken people at all because that's already enough for you to go "too weird to deal in."

Could stick to dating healthy sounding people who CAN respect boundaries (their own and each of yours) better so you increase the odds of having a healthy polyship together.

You both could back off. Because like this? She's either a cowgirl setting you up. Or you guys are using her. Or you are so carried away at the thought of "Yay! We finally get to polyship!" that you are neglecting to think if this is "polyship in a healthy way" or "polyship in an unhealthy way." None of those things is savory sounding.

And for sure nobody is respecting her limit. She's not doing self respect to her own limit. And you guys aren't respecting her limit either -- knowing she cannot share and still stringing it along rather than put the brakes on to honor her limit.

I think on some level you know this is not cool and that why you posted.

I don't understand why none of you can go "Alright. Limit reached. Just not a runner at this time" and deal with the disappointment and move on.

How come nobody wants to take that option? You think DH won't find another person to date that is a better fit AND able to share? Baffled.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-26-2013 at 09:00 PM.
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Old 07-29-2013, 06:39 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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listening to everyone, and i can be optimistically naive, ... lets side with optimistically naive.

she knows hubby is with you, and she doesn't like to share, if she's going to want hubby all to herself, she's going to want him more and more, no respect for boundaries despite her saying she doesn't want to break you up.

if she can calm down and let things fall into a natural balance of hubbies time for you, then "doesn't like to share" means things could work out, but she's going to have major serious issues if hubby even thinks about someone else (other than you two)

the second would be my hope, ... but i'd rather see things work out instead of being skeptical or walk away.

Edit:
as i think about it, ... even optimistically, i'm not going to expect things to last for any significant length of time

Last edited by Flear; 07-29-2013 at 06:52 PM.
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Old 07-29-2013, 06:57 PM
starmonkey starmonkey is offline
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If she says she can't share, maybe she really can't. For what it is worth, every time I have tried to change someone, it blew up in my face. In hind sight, this would have happened less if I had listened to what the person was telling me instead of hoping they were mistaken.

I would be pretty uneasy if someone who told me in clear terms that they couldn't share was continuing to date someone I was with. My last relationship got cowboyed exactly like this.
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