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  #11  
Old 07-25-2013, 06:35 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, if he expects you to be okay sleeping alone for one week on a regular basis, what's his problem? He should be able to handle sleeping alone for one or two nights every now and then - he is an adult, right? It never ceases to amaze me that there are grown people in this world who insist that they CAN'T sleep alone. You can get him one of those long "body" pillows!


Me too, this. I don't buy that excuse. I think it's just another way people tend to try to control their partner. It's fine when they're sleeping alone for SOME reasons, but not when it's because of OTHER reasons.

For example, the week that the OP's husband works nights, is it safe to assume that he DOES sleep during that time? And that he sleeps at home in their bed, at some OTHER time of day? So, what does the OP do? Change HER sleep schedule to match his work-sleep schedule? Something tells me that there ARE times when Husband sleeps in their bed without her, and sleeps just fine, especially if it's a regular thing because of working nights sometimes. Let's face it: he just doesn't sleep well "alone" when SHE is "sleeping" with someone ELSE.

If he genuinely DOES have difficulty sleeping alone because of monsters under the bed or whatever, there are things you can take for that: melatonin, valerian root capsules, benadryl, chamomile, and there are also certain essential oils and relaxation techniques that help promote restful sleep.

I do love a good made-up excuse though. They are fun to pick apart and destroy.
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  #12  
Old 07-25-2013, 06:39 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Maca doesn't sleep well alone.
GG sleeps better alone.
Generally I sleep with Maca until about 5am then go curl up with GG.

That allows Maca to get his cuddle time in, which helps him relax before sleep & it allows GG to get a few solid hours of sleep so he doesn't end up being exhausted.

I sleep best if I am alone-but I crave the companionship of the "pre-sleep cuddle".
So either GG or Maca will always cuddle up and tuck me in at night regardless. For example: currently Maca is working out of town. So GG tucks me in and cuddles me up for a few minutes. But-we tend to sleep alone-so we both GET sleep.
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  #13  
Old 07-25-2013, 06:48 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Yeah, i sleep better alone too, but it really depends on how much the other person snores. Spouse and i have been sleeping in separate beds for years but we "visit" (my bed is a single so i usually go in there and then go back to my bed when the snoring starts). I am a very light sleeper and if the other person snores i usually keep waking them up trying to get them to stop, which does nobody any good.

As i said, i am not dismissing the idea that some individuals DO sleep better with company in bed, but there are things that can be done to help with that and i just find it interesting that it varies with the circumstances of WHY the other person is not in that bed too.

How does Maca cope with his sleeping situation when he is away from home for weeks at a time for his job?
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  #14  
Old 07-25-2013, 06:51 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I sleep better with Murf. I get a good nights sleep with him. We have to touch but just barely.

Butch sleeps better with me but he disturbs my sleep. He snores loudly on occasion and invades my space. I deal with it because it makes him happy but I look forward to my nights with Murf.
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  #15  
Old 07-25-2013, 07:06 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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BG-Maca sucks at sleeping when he's away from work. He takes a prescription sleeping pill-but even that doesn't work.
It's frequent that I will wake in the morning-and there will be hours of texts on my phone (he knows I shut if off, so it's not going to wake me) because he couldn't sleep.

Even at home-he is up and down all night though. He sleeps like shit. LOL! He does better if he has someone to cuddle up to, but he struggles with restless leg syndrome and the meds for that don't always work either.
So it's frequent that he will cuddle up with me and a couple of hours later-get up and go to the couch.

Shrug.

I think a lot of people put too much attention on sleep and whose doing it where. (including Maca).

I am much more concerned with having quality time when I am awake.
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  #16  
Old 07-25-2013, 08:07 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

Shrug.

I think a lot of people put too much attention on sleep and whose doing it where. (including Maca).

I am much more concerned with having quality time when I am awake.
I feel the same way. I get a sort of hoity-toity feeling inside me whenever i see a thread or a post on here from someone trying to figure out how to make a bed that will fit 3-4 people who all have various sleep issues that are mutually incompatible..to say nothing of the triads who all want to sleep next to the one they are not next to or vice-versa... A friend of ours said to me that not sleeping with their spouse would be "reason to divorce" and they are monogamous (and yes she knew it was SLEEPING not a euphemism for having sex).
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  #17  
Old 07-25-2013, 09:56 PM
HistoryLives HistoryLives is offline
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My husband has sleeping issues due to medications he takes (it messes with cyadian rhythms and going off of it is not an option) however I do not stay with him all day while he sleeps - I snuggle up and we talk while he unwinds for the day at work plus otherwise I would not really see him except when he gets ready to go back in and that is to get out the door.

Once he is asleep he is fine.

Funny thing is my BF also has sleep issues - but when he stayed with me all night he slept like a log.

I personally dislike sleeping alone but reality is for my husband he has not been able to get a switch to days at his company (although that may happen soon) and we stay with that company since the benefits are fantastic for our family needs in insurance etc.

After 10+ years it is the "norm" for us in many ways.
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  #18  
Old 07-26-2013, 12:54 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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That makes sense. Clearly it is not related to clinginess or neediness, or control issues. However, it sounds like you are sensitive and aware enough to make it work, provided the two guys are also working with you instead of against each other.
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  #19  
Old 07-27-2013, 06:25 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I feel the same way. I get a sort of hoity-toity feeling inside me whenever i see a thread or a post on here from someone trying to figure out how to make a bed that will fit 3-4 people who all have various sleep issues that are mutually incompatible..to say nothing of the triads who all want to sleep next to the one they are not next to or vice-versa... A friend of ours said to me that not sleeping with their spouse would be "reason to divorce" and they are monogamous (and yes she knew it was SLEEPING not a euphemism for having sex).
I'm not sure what you are saying here - what is the "sort of hoity-toity feeling" that you get? Since you are agreeing with LR where she wrote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I think a lot of people put too much attention on sleep and whose doing it where. (including Maca).

I am much more concerned with having quality time when I am awake.
...I'm assuming that sleeping arrangements are just not a big deal to you and you don't "get" why so many people make a big deal out of it?

For the record - since this thread is about sleeping arrangements:

We have one king-size bed in the house and one couch. We all have different and irregular schedules. We are all fine with sleeping alone or with 1 or the other or both. MrS has his side of the bed, Dude has his side of the bed, and I sleep in the middle regardless of whether there is anyone (currently) with me or not. We are all champion sleepers, nobody wakes up if someone else gets up or goes to bed.

On occasion - if MrS is snoring too loud for Dude to fall asleep, or MrS gets too hot, or I am taking up more than my share of the bed/bedding - then sometimes one of them will choose to sleep on the couch. (Not me - I am the only one that HAS to sleep and get up at particular variable times - and need about a 1/2 dozen alarms to accomplish that - they are in the bedroom.)

My favorite though - I prefer to fall asleep alone and wake up in the middle between my sleeping boys. Ahhhh...mmmm. So cozy.

JaneQ

Note: No one is seriously seeing anybody else right now. We do have plans, in the future, to add an additional room so that Dude can have his own "space"/bed...you know for "entertaining"
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SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 07-27-2013 at 06:30 PM.
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  #20  
Old 07-28-2013, 02:40 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Essentially... the best way to fix this problem might be to do a trial of something and then communicate how that worked. Trial and error.

Am I understanding this right? Hubby works nights? But wants boyfriend to visit when he's not working? But that leaves you stuck about who to spend the night in bed with?

Does boyfriend care if you sleep with him? Are boyfriend and hubby equally keen to sleep with you? What are your own wants?

Possible trials:

- when BF visits, you only sleep with him
- when BF visits, you sleep one night with him and one night with hubby
- one visit, you sleep with BF, the next visit, you only sleep with hubby
- BF visits one time when hubby works nights, you sleep with him. The next time, BF visits when hubby isn't working - then you sleep with hubby. Take it in turns.

and so on....


If it helps to hear my personal experience?

My GF has a husband of 10+ years. I am her other primary partner; but I live in another country 6+ months of the year for now. I visit them for about 12 weeks at a time and when I do, I have my own room. I never think "because her hubby "has her" all year, she has to sleep with me every night when I'm there". Granted though, if I saw her one weekend a month, it would suck if I was never able to sleep with her.

What works best for us is a happy compromise! More than the quantity of time, what actually bothered me more than anything regarding sleeping arrangements was feeling like my GF's "bit on the side"; which went against our relationship model. She would basically decide when she wanted to sleep in my room and when she wouldn't. There was no structure and I was basically always left waiting; hoping she would come in. It's only fair to your boyfriend to hear how he feels and ensure that you and your hubby don't fall into the trap of deciding for him.

What does work for us is that I spend less time sleeping with my GF than her husband does. I've adjusted to sleeping on my own and actually really enjoy it now. GF sleeps in my bed on two set nights of the week in general. This is easily flexible and can be more or less, depending on what makes sense; but it gives me a general feeling that I know what to expect. This also helps me to be able to arrange my own time, because if I know that GF isn't scheduled to sleep with me on a certain night, I can make my own plans to chat to my play partners online or whatever else.

So, overall, I don't think it's about equality - it's about reaching something that everyone feels is a fair compromise.
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