Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-25-2013, 12:05 AM
HistoryLives HistoryLives is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 13
Default Hello

Hi Everyone,

I am married to my best friend for almost 24 years and have known him for 30 years. We have a good strong marriage and have talked over the years about many things including what would happen if either of us where interested in someone else. Had no clue it would happen!

A dear mutual friend of ours confessed he has been attracted to me since we met over almost three years ago but kept it to himself since we are all friends right off the bat and I am married (in our portion of the puzzle) I confessed that honestly I had been putting my feelings for him away (due to social stigma etc and also my own just saying no this is not what I am feeling) but the time to open the box was put in front of me. I told him my husband and I agreed a person can love more then one person at a time and after talking more with my husband about my confession of feelings that we agreed I could explore them.

He does not live near us so we have limited time in the sense of face to face but we do get to see him from time to time. We text, call and Skype just like we have in the past but now more since I am no longer cutting conversations short due to my feelings I had to keep under wraps.

This was three weeks ago - its been so wonderful to have a best friend back without all the weight of not expressing feelings (over the last few months it was harder but I can not say way since that could give clues to identities) needless to say the awkwardness is now gone. He was able to arrange a visit last week and we got to explore all aspects of our new dynamic to relationship. It confirmed that we do love each other and that we have a very special connection of our own that is totally different then my relationship with my husband which is honestly not easily described because of a spiritual connection we share.

However my dear husband is having some jealousy - but it has opened up a great conversation to us and that he has this with many things that take my time away from him (we ourselves have a strange time because of work for him of a week of work and a week off over nights) so I happened to find this as a definition of what our relationships are and it was better then what he found while he was late night surfing the web. He agrees that this is what it is and it is a positive rather then negative description. Also this forum came up when I was looking for how to help with jealousy in a polyamory relationship. I found the article and sent it to my husband and he agreed that we will work together to help him with this issue.

I am working to find the delicate balance between both my men so neither feels ignored - while myself feeling all the intensity of finally allowing myself to let my love for my new situation bloom as well that I have kept boxed away for so long (even denying the feelings until recently to myself)

So far there are a few things that I have agreed with my husband I will not do with my other love in the realm of sexual relations as well as limiting texting etc as much as possible to when he is at work, sleeping or the like. Which is ok except I feel like I need to find an appropriate amount of time to still talk with him when my husband is off for the week so I am not dropping him when my husband is home for that week which would be cruel to both since I still talk to my husband everyday.

One of the sticky areas is how to allow us time together with out my husband feeling totally third wheel or left out when he visits. We all are friends and we enjoy doing things together but right now we also want to spend some time developing our new relationship but don't want my husband to feel left in the dust.

We did get to sleep (really sleep) the other night and it was just as comfortable as my nights with my husband and I know that it is a welcome part of the relationship to both he and I but then if it is when my husband is off work he wants me to sleep with him of course as normal - how do others handle this if your other partner is living a distance and visits?

I know we are going to get some of the suggested reading materials to help us as well but if anyone can help us with suggestions of what works for them it would be fantastic.


Thank you all so much!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-25-2013, 07:33 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,432
Default

Hello HistoryLives,
Welcome to our forum.

Re:
Quote:
"So far there are a few things that I have agreed with my husband I will not do with my other love in the realm of sexual relations as well as limiting texting etc. as much as possible to when he is at work, sleeping or the like."
This I don't understand. If your husband is asleep or at work, shouldn't that be the ideal time to contact your boyfriend? That way your time with one man isn't cutting into your time with the other man. Unless this is a jealousy issue on your husband's part and he has to be there to hear every word spoken to your boyfriend.

It usually helps to have private time for each dyad. Private time for just you and your husband, private time for just you and your boyfriend. Of course, doing fun things all three of you together is helpful too. All of those things are important. At this point, scheduling and calendar usage come into play.

As for your boyfriend living a long ways away, that is a mixed blessing as you have NRE (New Relationship Energy) to contend with. It is easy to neglect your husband when you have an exciting new relationship. So the distance here helps mitigate that effect.

If your husband is struggling with jealousy, there's some links that might help him:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-25-2013, 09:48 PM
HistoryLives HistoryLives is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 13
Default

Oh no - when my husband is working etc that is when I DO talk to my BF.

He is struggling with some jealousy issues but wants to work on them now that we have identified them - it is not a new thing but something that is now come to light fully.

Thank you for more links! I had found the one and he agreed.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-26-2013, 08:18 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,432
Default

Re:
Quote:
"Oh no -- when my husband is working etc. that is when I *do* talk to my BF."
Oh, I see where I misread your original statement. Sorry about that.

Glad to supply the links, hope they are helpful.

Kevin
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-27-2013, 01:22 PM
Ambyer's Avatar
Ambyer Ambyer is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 29
Smile

Like Kevin I misread your OP. I was thinking that is the perfect time.

I have a similar situation, My BF and GF both live in Florida, I live in Arkansas and am married (for 20 years now) so I can see your situation. In the beginning husband was really upset with the time I spent with them, but he has come to deal with things.

One bit of advice I can give you is to please, talk to your husband. If you want to spend time with the BF, and not have the husband get jealous and upset, go over your plans with the husband well in advance. This helps him come up with things to do of his own.

Also, make little dates with the husband that involves only him. This is something I was guilty of and caused a nasty little rift in the beginning. I would go out (usually geocaching) with the husband and find myself texting the BF. This was back in the early stages of the relationship when I hated to be out of touch with him. Husband got really really upset. This caused problems that should have, and could have, been avoided.

Good luck, I think if worked properly you have a wonderful arrangement that can bring you much happiness.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-28-2013, 02:59 PM
HistoryLives HistoryLives is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 13
Default

It's kind of funny but today one of our old high school friends is coming over with her kids to visit- he has always cared about her and we have remained friends over the 30 years we have known each other. She lives a few hours away but he always worries about her (she is single with kids)

Once we got talking he asked her and she is having a hard time wrapping her mind around the idea that you can love more then one person and why would you want to go outside your marriage etc.

so while the kids are playing we are going to all sit down and talk - she has always cared deeply about my husband as well so things could work out but if not it won't change anything either.

So over the last few days he has been talking to her via text and calls and I am fine with it all - I have no control issues and I have no fears of him running off with her etc.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-28-2013, 07:13 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,432
Default

That sounds like a good sign. I hope your sit-down with her goes well.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:01 AM
HistoryLives HistoryLives is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 13
Default

Talk went well (it was me and her) and I explained how I got to this etc - she was cool in fact she was more concerned that after my BF moves more then likely to the other coast I will only see him occasionally etc and I said that is fine - its not just about the sex - and she would be able to have a more frequent face to face relationship with my husband. Not an issue.

I gave them alone time (I watched children and played games with them) and things happened - which I was fine with since I arranged for them to be alone to talk or what ever.

It was a good night...
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-29-2013, 07:36 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,432
Default

Congrats on a positive outcome. May there be many more.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-29-2013, 07:45 PM
HistoryLives HistoryLives is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 13
Default

My husband last night when we had pillow talk said he now understood what I was saying about loving my BF is different then what I have for him but it makes what I have for him (my husband) even deeper.

Made my heart sing to hear him say that!

Truly being able to love freely and not hide our feelings due to rules dictated by society is amazing after years of pretending there were no feelings there etc which just caused us all stress etc.

Takes a lot more energy to pretend then to allow things to be as they are.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:48 AM.