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  #11  
Old 07-24-2013, 05:49 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Originally Posted by Flear View Post
Infinite, ... the alternative is to walk away so you can be around what your comfortable with and the other person can continue to be themselves.
Isn't this the "or else I'll stop wanting to be with you" part of your initial question?

Okay, not really, as the original question was formed as an ultimatum ("You stop doing this or I'll leave!") rather than a statement of limitation ("I can't tolerate this. I'm leaving if it continues."), but the outcome is still the same.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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  #12  
Old 07-24-2013, 06:39 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Originally Posted by Flear View Post
Infinite, ... the alternative is to walk away so you can be around what your comfortable with and the other person can continue to be themselves.
Absolutely. Or not even walk away - you could choose to shift your relationship to one of friendship and your former partner could find somebody else to have a family with.

But I'm kind of confused. Didn't you start this thread by saying?

Quote:
i don't get it that people try to say "i love you, so i have to limit you and your happiness, and you better like it, or else i'll stop wanting to be with you"
So I assumed that you wouldn't 'get it' that a person might say to a partner, I love you but if you decide that you need to do x (i.e. have a baby, get a dog, join the army, have other sexual partners) in order to be happy, I'll stop wanting to be with you.

It seems to me that people make the choices they make with approaches to relationships for a variety of reasons and it is entirely possible that some people may choose a particular relationship style at a particular time in their life just because it feels right for them and not necessarily because they are insecure/selfish/deficient in some way and need to work on that.

IP
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  #13  
Old 07-24-2013, 08:16 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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compromise, ... why not just acceptance ?
Well... why just accept that there are people in the world who just choose to behave this way? (joking)

What I mean by coming to compromise already includes acceptance inside it to me. The acceptance that other people could have other preferences than what I prefer myself.

Even "agree to disagree and let it go" is a compromise. Some folks don't want to come to that compromise... they want to keep fighting/arguing. *Shrug* They value "keep it going" more than they value "stop the fighting."

If DH is wanting a monoamorous thing in a monoship shape and I am wanting a polyamorous thing in a polyship shape... we could come to compromise. And in a compromise both sides makes concession.

We could both conceed that the romance thing no long will fly here because of changes in wants. They are no longer shared wants so no longer compatible. He could accept that BOTH are not willing AND able to continue being romantic partners. I could do same. Accept BOTH are not willing AND able for it to continue. We could agree to let go of being romantic partners and could agree to share friendship instead moving forward. Conflict resolved that way.

Could just as easily be talking about home ownership, what to eat for dinner, etc. as the subject of the conflict. That's why I don't think it is about monoshipping/polyshipping per se. It happens to be in this case, but it isn't really about that to me.

The answer for "why do some people do that?" to me lies in their emotional maturity.
  • Are they healthy and emotionally mature people? Who can relate well with healthy skills? Can deal with and process disappointments, frustrations, or conflicts in life appropriately? Are emotionally stable kinds of partners?
  • Or are they unhealthy and emotionally immature people? Who relate poorly with unhealthy skills? Cannot deal with and process disappointments, frustrations, or conflicts in life appropriately? Are emotionally unstable kinds of partners?

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-24-2013 at 08:19 PM.
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  #14  
Old 07-24-2013, 09:14 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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infinite, i can see the contradiction, ... but ... one is accepting the other person as they are and saying "that's not for me", the other is trying to change the other person using "love" as a means of guilting them into changing. and that's a huge difference not a contradiction.

sure in the end, the end result is the same, the relationship didn't work out. but the reasons it didn't work out are drastically different, ...
1) accepting a difference that just doesn't work for you and so going your own ways
2) being bitter that one person is trying to force the other person to change which is eventually met with resentment and a lot of negative feelings.

the first you can still have feelings for the other person (unless that unacceptable attribute is severe) knowing that a closer relationship just won't work out, ... not so with the second scenario.
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  #15  
Old 07-24-2013, 10:23 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Ahhh - thank you for explaining further.

For me, I think the chances of ending up in situation number 2 are drastically increased by assuming that any relationship will remain the same romantic relationship for a lifetime.

Anybody who feels that they are tied to somebody else for the rest of their life is, I think, much more likely to put the sort of pressure you talk about on their partner.

I think it's that sort of belief in an unchanging relationship between unchanging people that causes those sorts of problems rather than the shape of the relationship.

For sure, there are lots of stories about mono folks putting pressure on each other to conform to each other's wants. There are also lots of stories on this forum of poly folks doing exactly the same thing. As well as lots of stories about both mono and poly folk treating each other very well and dealing beautifully with mismatched life goals.

I don't think it's the shape of the relationship that is the problem. Being open to the fact that no relationship is likely to remain the same for a lifetime is, I think, key to them ending in situation 1 if they do indeed end.
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  #16  
Old 07-25-2013, 03:54 AM
Flear Flear is offline
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that reminds me, i have to put more emphasis on accepting things as they are than how i think things are
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