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  #11  
Old 07-23-2013, 01:44 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I see that R wants to try to give you more time to see if that will meet your need... but isn't you choosing to not see others a possible OUTCOME of that? Not the PRECURSOR to that?

Like... "Ok R. Sure! See if you can spend more time with me!" Could try that on first without changing anything else about your life.

After some time, evaluate the change and see how that change served you. If after trying that on a while you come to find that your time needs ARE being adequately met, could THEN decide whether or not to let go of dating others?

I see you want to secure this relatively new thing with R, but there's other ways to reassure him in his jealous/insecure than to go right to giving up dating other people.

If this is what you really want to do, that's fine.

But it just seemed odd to me to do such a 180 in just a few days. Just a few days ago you were excited to still be able date others. And in your intro you talk about him reconciling with his GF and not telling you and you guys breaking up over the lie of omission. Now you are 3 mos in after getting back together. It still being a bit weird there with A still digesting you being in the picture too.

If you want to keep seeing him... that's up to you.

But in your shoes I wouldn't close off other dating options at this time. So far he's sounding like wonky returns on your investment up to this point. So... don't put all your eggs in that basket?

See if he can deliver first? (this business of giving you more time.)

And don't close yourself from a better offer elsewhere?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-23-2013 at 02:11 AM.
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  #12  
Old 07-23-2013, 02:32 AM
baughb baughb is offline
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I see what you're saying, Galagirl. I am still excited to have the possibility to date others, and had been on a few dates with another, but honestly, that seemed to fizzle, as I really haven't heard from him in about a month, and I wasn't actively going out of my way to find the other at the time.

Part of my enjoyment of being able to date others was in part to help fill the time that I may not be able to spend with R. There can be times that it may be up to 2 weeks that I may not be able to see him. This can occasionally feel lonely, and I felt that by exploring the opportunity to spend time with others to fill the void, keep myself occupied and not ruminating on him, as I know it's not healthy for myself or our relationship. I was also leaving myself open to the possibility that in doing this, there may be a connection made with someone in the future.

When I explained this to R, he did offer to try to make an effort to give me more time to see if this helped fill the void and kept me content. I agreed, because I am not honestly sure if that is all I'm in need of, and figured the only way I would know would be to give it a shot. I did make it a point to mention that if that changed I wanted to be able to voice it to him so that he may be able to deal with any of his own emotions related to me dating another man.

Yes, we did start on rocky ground the first time we were together. I keep this in mind all the time, as does he, and I am very open with him about any feelings or insecurities about secrets. I have made it very clear to him that dishonesty is my dealbreaker. It hasn't been 100% rainbows and unicorns, but he understands how important trust is to me.
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  #13  
Old 07-23-2013, 03:07 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Well, that's all the thoughts I have on that one. It isn't the way I would go with it for myself.

But you are you and you seem to have chosen the way you want to go for yourself... so I hope it works out like you hope.

GL!
Galagirl
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  #14  
Old 07-23-2013, 03:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think poly-mono relationships can only work if the monos truly want to remain mono, but NOT if the poly person expects or demands their partner to be mono.
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  #15  
Old 07-25-2013, 01:04 AM
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polyAnna317 polyAnna317 is offline
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Its pretty common, at least in my past relationships. I believe that sometimes different people just bring that side out of each other. My K has had that conversation with me but like you stated they'll have to deal with that.

Sometimes I felt guilty for it but why not get your cake too!
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  #16  
Old 07-26-2013, 04:24 AM
baughb baughb is offline
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An interesting turn this evening. During our conversation tonight R stated that he wished to retract his request of keeping me to himself. He stated that he didn't want to see me unhappy bdue to loneliness (it's been about a week and a half since I've seen him, I was starting to feel the lonely pings). And though he didn't say so, I suspect that part of him was feeling selfish and maybe a bit bad about that.
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  #17  
Old 07-26-2013, 04:43 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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It is cool that he recognized that due to his lack of consistent availability what he was asking of you was not reasonable.
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  #18  
Old 07-26-2013, 05:19 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Each new addition to a dynamic creates a change (galagirl sometimes calls it the waterbed ripple effect).
Change can be disconcerting.

I am poly by nature, but insecurities arise for me amidst change and new relationships of MY OWN as well as new relationships my partners take on.

Having emotions isn't a red flag.
Even asking for a few weeks to get used to it isn't a red flag.

Emotions come and go like weather.
Asking for some space/time is good responsible communication.

However, expecting someone to live by rules that you yourself aren't willing to abide by is a problem.
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  #19  
Old 07-28-2013, 03:20 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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I've got to be honest.. I think that any kind of relationship model can work, as long as it works for *everyone*.

More than ever before, I am finding myself happier to step away from a couple-centric view of poly - to relinquish control over our partners and just roll with the changes. That being said, I'm also aware that I'm only currently comfortable doing that within the parameters of what I currently feel I want from life. For example, I like being in a V with my GF as the hinge and her husband as my metamour. I also love living with their/our daughter. I am very comfortable relinquishing all the over-burdening control of guidelines and this and that, so long as we are all the same page about what we want from the bigger picture. What I'm less comfortable with is the idea of having other people move in with us, or other things along those lines. Though, I would never dream of telling my GF "you can't do that". We cannot possess each other. What I do think is acceptable is to say "I don't really want to live in a house with a ton of adults all trying to raise the little one. If you would like that relationship set up, I don't think I am able to comfortably be a part of it."

Do you see what I mean? I won't tell my partner what she can or can't do - I can only communicate when something she wants doesn't fit what I currently want. It is my nature to try anything once anyway - if, for example, my GF found that she desperately wanted someone else to move in with us, even though this goes against our current model, I'd at least try it for her sake. And for the sake of personal growth. I wouldn't deny myself the opportunity to grow and be able to move with changes. What I wouldn't do, though, is put myself through hell, accepting a situation that I truly wasn't happy with. My GF is at liberty to go her way and I am at liberty to go mine.

So in terms of mono/poly... well, I don't think it's right for anyone to say that it's not 'right'.

What if the hinge finds themselves in a situation where they love two people and can have those two people, with everyone happy? Say, for example, a man is married to a woman and falls in love with another woman. The wife is happy for her husband to have a girlfriend, because, I don't know, she doesn't have to 'provide' him with sex any more, which suits her, because she's never been too bothered about sex and it always felt like a chore. Let's say the girlfriend is really happy too, because she gets a hot sexual connection, whilst being able to live on her own, which she really likes, and also gets to hang out with his wife, who is great. What if everyone was happy with that?

I've been in that situation before. I used to date a married woman, when I was about 18. She didn't want me to be with others and often felt guilty for this. At the time, I didn't find myself attracted to anyone else, so I was happy to just see her. Temptation never came my way anyway.

Even in my current poly situation, I've had moments of feeling like I'd be fine with a closed-V, where my GF just had myself and her husband, and the two of us didn't date anyone else.

These days, I don't care much about dating others, per se. I find most of my *needs* met through my GF, myself, my friends, etc. But there are extra things that I can get from dating others, for sure. I could live without them. But my life is richer with them. So, for me, currently, it's more about the *freedom* to be able to make my own choices, than the concept of dating other people. If that freedom happens to mean that I don't have to worry about falling in love with an extra person, then that's great.

Basically, what works for you works for you. If you are lonely in a V and need to fill that need elsewhere, then that is something it wouldn't be healthy to deny yourself. If you wanted to date others simply because your boyfriend has someone else, without any real reason or desire to do so, I'd find that a bit pointless. Do what makes you happy!
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