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Old 07-21-2013, 09:58 AM
Darknight Darknight is offline
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Default Not sure what we are

Hi there this is our intro about the situation we have been going through and are in, thank you for giving me a place to write this down

Me and my partner have been involved with a close female friend of ours for the past 2 years. She has a daughter that we have pretty much adopted as our own at age 12 now. It has been some wonderful times and there has been some horrendous fights.

It all started with us helping her with troubles she had in life and she helped us with business as we were struggling to sort that as well and she wanted to get into business as well.

Now things are all in ruins, jealousy took its toll in the end.

Me and my partner are hurt she is hurt and we are not talking with her even today her daughter came and watch a movie with us and when I dropped her off she would not talk with me.

I really loved them all and have been real confused about things.

Me and my partner just watch the show polyamory married and dating and found huge similarities with the triad the only difference we were all exclusive to each other so i'm not sure if that's poly.

We are still confused about all of this. Because she had jealousy issues we tried to let her meet someone else but she struggled because she didn't want to risk losing us. She kept wanting my self, the male to her self which tore me in two. I felt like I had cheat on my wife to make her happy and I didn't want to do this. I wanted us to share time together but we fought about it and eventually we have broken up with her.

My partner feels really rejected by her and now wants to quickly move on so she can get her self esteem back.

This has been a real rollercoaster ride but.. after watching the show maybe we needed to share more with her but when my partner did it she seemed to focus more on me... we just don't know..

Well that's our intro.. hope too many people didn't drift off to sleep
any comments would be appreciated.. and I suppose there is so much more to the story..
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  #2  
Old 07-21-2013, 11:31 AM
northhome northhome is online now
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Quote:
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Now things are all in ruins, jealousy took its toll in the end.
I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like a very unpleasant situation.

Did you (three) have clear agreements from the beginning? Or did this all just sort of happen? It sounds like your (ex) friend possibly had a different agenda than you and your partner. Did you have any idea this was the case?

Do you have any way to sit down and talk things through without getting upset?

It's hard to sort things out when emotions are running high. Finding a way to regain your balance (which is what it sounds like your wife is trying to do) makes sense.
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Old 07-21-2013, 12:04 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Hello Darknight,

First of all, sorry you're hurting, break ups suck.
Second of all, please do not take a 'reality' show such as Polyamory: Married and Dating as a guidance manual for the 'right' way to do things. Remember these things are scripted and edited to within an inch of their lives, I saw some pretty unsavoury behaviours amongst the cast of that show and I am pretty sure other experienced Poly people did too. At the end of the day just because you saw their relationship continue, whilst yours did not, does not mean that you needed to have mimicked them for yours to have worked, the truth of the matter is, most relationships do not work out in the long term even with the best relationship skills and the best will in the world.
Added to that complex emotions and expectations and well it's not greatly surprising.

I hope you can all move on and hopefully rebuild a friendship with your ex.
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Old 07-21-2013, 12:45 PM
Darknight Darknight is offline
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Thank you so much for your comments really means alot.

We do feel alone as there's not many people we can talk to about this.
But not so alone now...

No we didn't have clear agreements at the beginning.it all just sort of happened. Its something we didnt really think of.

I think we were just a bit naieve which is sad to say.

And no we had no idea that she had a different agenda. Was her agenda to steal me away? But she new i would not be happy if that happened.

I dont think we can sit down.. its a complete communication break down at the moment i tried today but i think to many hurtful things have been said by her and myself. I want us to communicate but one thing that has come up the really broke the camels back for us when she said she does not respect my wife but my wife has cared for her so much.

We were both devasted by the comment.. Not sure if we shouldve been...

And you are so right our now ex girlfriends emotions go through the roof and her actions are uncontrollable... We keep saying its because of the situation

This sounds so one sided i wish she would put up her story and get peoples opinion so we could get a view from that side..

Thank you so much for your observations so far. Its hard to see anything beyond the hurt
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Old 07-21-2013, 03:52 PM
northhome northhome is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknight View Post
No we didn't have clear agreements at the beginning.it all just sort of happened. Its something we didnt really think of.

I think we were just a bit naieve which is sad to say.
We're all human, and love and sex trigger very powerful emotions. It's very hard to keep a cool head when the hormones are raging.

As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. Cut yourself a bit of slack and try not to be so hard on yourself. The real question is - how to move forward?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknight View Post
And no we had no idea that she had a different agenda. Was her agenda to steal me away? But she new i would not be happy if that happened.
Ah yes, but her happiness may have come first in her world

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknight View Post
I dont think we can sit down.
Fair enough, but if she's involved in your business as well this can all get very sticky. Do you have a friend that you trust to act as an impartial mediator?

Look after yourself. It's easy to make rash decisions at such a time, so you might want to practice counting to 10 before making any major moves.
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Old 07-21-2013, 08:16 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Darknight,
Welcome to our forum.

Re:
Quote:
"She kept wanting myself, the male, to herself which tore me in two."
Question: Did she mean that she wanted your wife out of the picture for good, or did she just mean that she wanted some private time with you alone without the wife present?

Re:
Quote:
"I want us to communicate but one thing that has come up the really broke the camel's back for us was when she said she does not respect my wife but my wife has cared for her so much."
I can see how that would throw a wall up between you and her.

I don't think there's a lot you can do right now, some of the bad feelings are at a boil and need to die down to a simmer. Take care of yourselves, you and your wife, and try to be open to talk if the other lady wants to talk.

Hope Polyamory.com is helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-22-2013, 12:16 PM
Darknight Darknight is offline
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Hi Natja

Thank you so much for your comments and thoughts.

And straight away Thank you to all.....

Yip it stinks alright but i have been working on it since...

Yes we didn't even think that was all scripted i know crazy aye...we just keep learning stuff on this site its so intriguing.. and during the show a few things made us cringe, but we are not sure what is right or wrong we try very hard not to judge, so i'm very interested in other peoples point of views.

Thank you for pointingnout that its a difficult task to try and maintain this type of relationship and mimicking the show wouldnt really help.

In another introduction you made a post towards a lady yellowbird that she should not do it or get involved and so did many others.

This was a very similiar situation to us and our ex girlfriend but we are 2.5 years down the track and you guys were right..

So after reading your guys comments i stood up and told her that she had nothing and that was my fault. i said to her that she risked it all while me and my partner risked nothing. We were extremely unfair to her and i would be more than willing to give her life back to her no questions. I offered her job back when ever she wanted with no pressure at all i said that she could train with us anytime she wanted and hang out with all the friends we made together through trainning as i am an instructor, i offered my complete and utter support for her and daughter i told that i want to give her life back as it was unfair for us to have done this to her.. I told her that i would respect her more than i have been and so would my wife we had been listening to our own insecurities. I told her this because i believe if we start respecting how she was feeling about the whole situation she would begin to respect us again... So thats what i've done

She was a bit overwhelmed by it.. And she said but i have caused you so much pain and i told her that you deserve to have all this in your life because you took the risk and its unfair of me to take it away just because you dont fit into our box..

Now we have taken a risk that we should have done sooner and thats giving everything back. And not asking for anything, and i just hope this will heal a few hearts so we can start to heal a little and remember why we used to be such good friends..

I hope this was the right thing because man i'm in trouble if its not.

And if your wandering i did not make issue with regards to relationship stuff
It would be great if we could just at the mo get along a little..
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  #8  
Old 07-22-2013, 12:32 PM
Darknight Darknight is offline
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Hi Northhome how are you

Yes we will try to not be to hard on ourselves..
Hopefully i have answered above a bit on how we progress a bit still very scary though for all parties...

I would tell her that her happiness was important and i would be here for when ever she needed me but i cannot fill full all your her needs and i would still love her even when she was with someone else.. But that didnt help her

And yes took your advice and found a mediator and she eventually began to talk to us so that was a good idea.. Thanks

I did count to 10 and made that serious move in response to Natja above i hope it will help

Thanks again your advice is muchly appreciated..
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  #9  
Old 07-22-2013, 12:54 PM
Darknight Darknight is offline
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Hi ktd26417 thanks for the welcome, it is a amazing pool of knowledge here.

Hi it's darknights wife here.
No she didn't want me out of the picture she just wanted time alone with him.And the strange thing is I did let her have time with him but it was never enough in her eyes.

In regards to the respect thing it did throw up a wall between me and her as i cared for her and her daughter and to find out she didn't respect me hurt me immensely i felt betrayed.

Things are still simmering for me i don't feel good about myself at the moment.I feel that i was joke to her and things are going to take a while to heal.

Thanks for listening to me as its hard not having other people to talk to about how i am feeling apart from my husband.glad to know we are not alone out there and other people have gone through or are going through the same thing as us.

Really appreciate you listening... :-) from mrs darknight

Also a big thank you to all other members who have shared there thoughts with us means a lot.
We have never ever in our lives posted on a forum, so a big thanks to you all !
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  #10  
Old 07-22-2013, 09:13 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re:
Quote:
"No she didn't want me out of the picture she just wanted time alone with him. And the strange thing is I did let her have time with him but it was never enough in her eyes."
Ah, so the conflict had to do with how *much* time was appropriate for her to have alone with the husband.

There probably wasn't any middle ground you could have all agreed on, and of course her not respecting you is a serious roadblock.

Maybe it's possible to build a new friendship based on mutual trust and respect? I hope so.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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