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  #31  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:25 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Har-har!!!
Not my best work, i know, but i had to figure out how to use the word "kardashian" in several complete sentences to tell a story for a school project, and it didn't say the story had to be original or true.
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  #32  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:32 AM
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No, I thought it was pretty good. And at least I know there is hope for me yet. The Kardashian thing is a real problem. It's so insidious...


Oh, and I want to say... I do like using the acronym DTMFA, though I learned after I started to use it that it also came from Dan Savage. I never went to his column to confirm that or find out how he used it; however, I like that one. So I will still use it. Monogamish I not like. So I will not use it. Maybe I just prefer acronyms over making up words by butchering real ones.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-07-2013 at 07:34 AM.
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  #33  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:39 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Is Dan Savage the new Howard Stern? I keep hearing people mention him and i don't think i know what he looks like...
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  #34  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:43 AM
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I don't know but I once rode in an elevator with Howard Stern. He's very tall and very loud, and he kept staring at me and my co-worker because we carried on our conversation without paying him any mind.
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  #35  
Old 04-07-2013, 08:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Kardashian
Just makes me think of Star Trek. Every time.
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  #36  
Old 04-09-2013, 02:39 AM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Default Thanks!

Lots of great advice on the thread.

She calls herself "monogamish." So, I follow suit. She hasn't dated but she'd be open to something on the very casual end of the spectrum. It's her label to apply to herself as she pleases. I'm not going to quibble with it.

Certainly, GG's advice is solid in terms of turning the conversation into being supportive of her telling me what she might need for these types of encounters ahead of time. And, applying that logic to other poly areas to help us jointly think through what kinds of support she might need. Emphasizing my willingness to provide her support/reassurance.

I do agree that a set of mono expectations and not being clear about how they apply or don't in this situation is confusing matters - whether that's being self-generated or via conversations with mono friends. My bet is that it has grown in horribleness over time as she's stoked those particular fires in her mind.

I do worry that there's a list of "hidden" or "unexamined" expectations that we'll continually run into. She often defaults to every thing is all right when it seems clear to me that they are not. And, bristles when I want to have the conversation about the disconnect between her words and the feeling tone behind them. We are getting somewhat better at navigating that particular path. But, it is challenging.

If we have more of the expectation conversations before these kinds of things, maybe we'll just get better at it as we go. And, thereby, we can avoid such a large gap between each of our experiences.
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  #37  
Old 04-09-2013, 03:17 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
She often defaults to every thing is all right when it seems clear to me that they are not. And, bristles when I want to have the conversation about the disconnect between her words and the feeling tone behind them. We are getting somewhat better at navigating that particular path. But, it is challenging.
Yup. Been there. I have a long fuse and I try to give people a large benefit of the doubt. But I still find dealing with mixed messages very tiresome.

I think all kinds of things in my own head like "($*)$!... just spit it OUT! Stop being all wishy washy!" But I don't say that to the person. Making it be about the person? It can keep it in the hamster wheel going round in circles longer than needed. Easier to attack problem than the person and move it along.

Maybe "report the weather" could help?
"You words say ____ but your body language/verbal tone seems to say _____. I perceive this as a mixed message. I wonder if you need time to sort and prefer to talk about this at a later date. Is that so?"
Gives her the face saving "out." She can just say yes/no.

If that is what it is, and she says "yes" you could tell her how you prefer next time to get that info.
"Thanks. Next time just tell me you need time to process. I can respect that, and that is easier for me to understand. We can talk when you are ready then. Let me know. "
Hang in there -- you guys will figure out how to best work together.

Galagirl
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  #38  
Old 04-11-2013, 05:20 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Oh I absolutely agree that people get to choose their own labels and that these should be honoured. That's why I don't take labels at face value and rather ask people what they practice and how they feel in different types of situations.

As for body language, I can also relate. Hubby is a thinker. However, he will not speak before he's ready. Sometimes he just "deals with it" on his own and doesn't talk about it. He doesn't like to upset the situation if he can help it, and often he comes to the conclusion that he just needs to get over it (whatever "it" happens to be at the time.) And half the time, when I think he's pondering something deep and heavy, he's just trying to figure out some incredibly mundane problem like why the car is making some funny noise.
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  #39  
Old 07-20-2013, 02:47 PM
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Default Advice for first meeting a metamour?

So as some of you already know, my primary BF has two other relationships. Being a newbie all around, I have been struggling with how to interact with them, if I should, to what degree etc. I decided last week to take a leap of faith and email them both, they both responded positively, which is great. One is definitely more serious than the other right now & I am still nervous about actually meeting her, though we have been corresponding a lot, which is good. The other more casual relationship, I happen to have a mutual acquaintance with. I was in a pretty bad car accident on Monday and being that we are all friends on Facebook, she saw my post about it & sent me a msg saying she thought I could use a girls night out. I jokingly responded that I sure could use one, but don't have any girls here. (I lived in CA for a long time, most of my friends still live there) So she suggested that me, her and our mutual girlfriend all go out. Now, I am not at all opposed to this however, from what I can see through my conversations with her, and from my BF's experiences, she has boundary issues. In 2 emails I have already learned that she is 'sad' she can't be my BF's 'everything'
Is there a nice way to tell her though I am happy to get to know her better, I don't want whatever 'friendship' we might develop to revolve around him & that hearing that kind of stuff makes me really uncomfortable? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I can't imagine spending time with someone who, right out of the gate is going to tell me stuff like that??
All advice/perspective is appreciated! Thanks!
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  #40  
Old 07-20-2013, 03:29 PM
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Honestly I would probably stay out of it. J and I are good friends but that had a lot to do with the fact that she moved in with my best friend. I don't talk to anyone else he's seeing or talking to, it just seems like a good idea to have that boundary. Those are his relationships, not mine
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