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  #1  
Old 07-04-2013, 03:47 AM
YellowBird YellowBird is offline
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Hello everyone!
I've been looking around in this forum for a little while, reading and researching because I believe that is the life I'm about to enter.

I've fallen in love with a happily married man, and he with me. His wife is totally accepting of me, but will add there has been no sexual contact between the man and me, we're remaining respectful in that manner to their vows. It's very much about LOVE with us all. Just by merely knowing each other and hanging around each other, all of us are becoming better human beings by either giving up terrible vices, better focused on family, losing weight, etc. It's an amazing dynamic that has happened to all of us by being close to each other.

I'm becoming part of their family more and more. Yet, still keep distance in the physical area. However, the wife is now entertaining the idea of allowing me to join them, nothing allowed without her there, though. I am not bi. Neither is the wife. Is this normal? There have been many discussions about getting together physically, even to the point that the wife and I are exploring the ideas of enjoying each other, as well as him.

Another aspect is that I'm soley dedicated to the husband. I am not dating outside this relationship.

I'm enjoying reading this forum. It helps knowing that this type of life exists, first of all, but also works!! We've all talked about the respect and honesty that something like this requires, yet we all are NEW to this.

Any and all advice is welcomed!!
Thank you!!
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  #2  
Old 07-04-2013, 04:52 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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My advice, do not do it! Ever.
Everything is on his wife's terms, this will cause you grief in the end, trust me, no it is not 'normal' no it doesn't make sense and no, he isn't (even though you think so now) worth it.
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  #3  
Old 07-04-2013, 05:23 AM
tenderjohn tenderjohn is offline
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I'm 100% with Natja on this. This is not the beginning of a poly relationship, this is a potential disaster with you losing all your power.
I understand you like him a lot and are prepared to engage with him and his wife, but you can't do it solely on their terms.
You say you don't have other important relationships at this stage, which suggests you have little experience of practical poly -- this isn't a good place to start! Remember they have each other, he currently has a wife and a best friend and potential lover, she wants to regulate your and his relationship, and you are thinking of pinning your future on something you have no control over.
Is that wise?
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  #4  
Old 07-04-2013, 06:43 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings YellowBird,
Welcome to our forum.

I don't necessarily forbid you to get involved with this couple, nor call it "abnormal" necessarily, but do be aware of the power dynamic and how much say you have in things. Sometimes when a married couple gets together with a single person, the couple makes all the rules (and they're not always fair).

Don't be in a hurry to make your decision; read and post some more on this site and learn as much as you can. There is a lot of collective wisdom here.

Glad to have you onboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #5  
Old 07-04-2013, 06:58 PM
london london is offline
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There are so many ways this could go wrong and you could lose everything you have. If I were you and I loved this man and was quite happy the way things were, I'd not get involved with this. I wouldn't even try this until she could handle her husband having sex with me alone. Once we established a sexual relationship as well as the romantic one we already have, and we were all into it, I'd consider having some threesomes for fun. The key thing is that I'd be doing it because we could and not because we have to.

Personally, I would only consider a threesome if it was literally for a male partner that was really into it. I'm straight but I like to please and I'd do it as long as the other girl knew that was the only reason I was having sex with her.

Sex is very important to me, I need sex to feel love. But, if I did happen to fall in love with someone in the absence of a sexual relationship, someone in the position your partner is in, I could see myself considering this arrangement purely because I'd want to have sex with my partner, and this would be the only way to achieve that ethically.That does not mean that it would be right to have sex with someone under those sorts of conditions, and it would probably make me feel deeply unhappy and kind of... dirty too. Dirty is the wrong word. It would just make me feel like I had sex with someone for all the wrong reasons. Two people actually. And that would fuck with my mojo.
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  #6  
Old 07-04-2013, 09:10 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If you're not bisexual, why would you acquiesce to such nonsense?

Since she's not bisexual and is demanding this, it is clearly because she is a control freak, has trust issues, and is NOT okay with her husband having another relationship on its own terms.

Why would she think she gets to makes demands about who his friend (YOU) gets to have sex with? Hullo, doesn't remotely make sense. It's up to YOU what YOU do with YOUR body - if you don't want her there watching or participating while you have sex with her husband, why would she expect that? It's idiotic and clearly illuminates how fucking insecure she is, and how fragile their marriage is. If she is not okay with him managing his own relationships, and having sex with someone else without her present, then obviously she is not consenting to polyamory at all.

If you go ahead with this, it wouldn't be polyamory- it would just be a couple in an open marriage having a threesome with someone who is basically an object for sex, and who gives up her own agency and power to be with them. And if he goes along with this expectation of hers, then she's got his balls in her purse. He needs to man up, tell her to manage her own relationships and stay out of his, which would show you some respect.

If you have any shred of common sense, get the fuck outta there.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-04-2013 at 09:19 PM.
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  #7  
Old 07-06-2013, 07:05 PM
YellowBird YellowBird is offline
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Wow...lots of negativity. I understand some of it, but maybe it's due to only giving a very few facts.

Well, let me clarify some things...

This is ALL new to all of us. Monogamy has been all of our way of life. We are all in or 40s. Their marriage has been a long one. And I've been in my share of long-term relationships.

My introduction came off like she was being controling. She's really not, she's actually being very welcoming and amazing. But think about it, for all of us to think about a life of poly is very new. So, when I said she's thinking of "allowing," it may have come off like she's "in charge," but, it's only because the thought of welcoming me into their life this way is very new, and she ( we all ) need time to soak this in and consider everything. Again, NONE of us have ever experienced this kind of life, or even knew it existed beyond fun "threesomes" that you hear about, until recently. As I said in my first message, to find that this is more common than thought is very comforting.

I'm in a place in my life that I will enjoy my independence as well as the family that I'll have with them.

We're in a VERY early stage of this...and we talk a lot about everything. Not just me and the husband, but all of us. What it would mean in the long term. what the logistics of things would be. Etc.. Believe me, it's not something we're jumping into. This is why I've decided to participate in this forum, for information and advice.

I understand it's quick to judge and jump all over my first message with complete negativity, and I appreciate that it was meant to "protect" me from heartache, etc. However, we haven't entered into this life yet. It's a very close relationship, with a lot of conversation and openess. And it's also something I'm NOT willing to shut the door on. I want to explore, move forward and see where this will go. I am the happiest I've been in my years. There must be something RIGHT about this.
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  #8  
Old 07-06-2013, 07:34 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YellowBird View Post
There must be something RIGHT about this.
That my dear is NRE!!

I know it seems lovely and acceptable now..been there...but you really need to start as you mean to go on, allowing this will only steal happiness from your future, please don't dismiss us because it isn't what you want to hear. There is nothing new in this scenario and what we see in it spells danger.
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  #9  
Old 07-06-2013, 07:37 PM
Realisticexpectations Realisticexpectations is offline
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This does not sound like it will turn out well. Why would you experiment with the wife just to be with him? Tha's crazy and will put you in a position eventually that is going to hurt you. Are you in denial? This is not polyamory. Are you in love with the wife as well? Recipe for disaster
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  #10  
Old 07-06-2013, 07:49 PM
YellowBird YellowBird is offline
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What is "NRE?"

I'm definitely NOT dismissing you all. I'm welcoming the info/advice. But, everyone is saying run away. But how DOES anyone start a life of poly without a beginning? How is this supposed to start? None of us are experienced at this or have even known it existed, so why run away from something that's potentially beautiful? I'm not naive, I'm also aware that it may not be something that we move forward into. How do you know it WILL hurt me?

We've discussed the fact that the wife and I are not "in love," ..yet.

Realistic: You say "this is not polyamory." I get that... but how can you say it's never gonna be?

Natja: "start as you mean to go on" would require just STARTING but since the whole idea of it is so new, how can we JUST START? And, why does it spell danger?

I'm really not trying to be defensive; I'm totally asking questions for your input.
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