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  #71  
Old 11-16-2013, 04:44 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Default Good things that have happened today...

Mom's chemo is over, and according to her doctor, the tumor is undetectable to the touch (a HUGE difference from before). Her surgery will be scheduled for a couple weeks, and then a month after that, her radiation treatments will start - AFTER the holidays.

Did NOT die on the ride to the doctor's office. Mom's BF is the quintessential "Mister Magoo" driver. Holy crap. Right directional on, left turn. Wha? But hey, we made it.

Prepping for an early Thanksgiving-slash-birthday dinner tomorrow with my family and P. Got the stuffing prepped tonight (added sausage and chestnuts - mmmm...), and DAMN does it smell good in here. I don't want to go to bed; I want to eat. Now.

Discovered that the Sam Adams Cherry Chocolate Bock is really, really good.

And the kids are here, the cats are cozy, the wood stove is going, and all is right with the world. Tomorrow, there shall be chaos. Tonight? Beer, cats, food, and sleep.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #72  
Old 11-17-2013, 10:05 AM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Ugh. Nothing like adding stress on top of stress. Have things improved with your family?
Not much changed in the actual interaction with my family, they just don't talk to me at all about our relationships outside our marriage. Other than that, they've pretty much treated us exactly the same, though my youngest brother seems like he's mostly avoiding us. But, considering that I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters, having the majority of the relationships still going on much the way they were before we came out is a really good thing. It seems a little amazing that my mom was the most supportive, when I was a teenager she was incredibly judgmental. She's one of the few people I've met who has gotten more open minded as she has gotten older. That makes it much easier to have a good relationship with her.
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  #73  
Old 11-26-2013, 11:09 PM
FarAwayLover FarAwayLover is offline
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Question Please explain the Spock picture? Post #33?

Hi!

This is my first reply so sorry if I'm doing it wrong. It's about Post #33, which was back in September. I'm pretty new to the forum and just reading this now.

The poster and her co-workers laughed at the image. I'm also in software, so I was curious to see the image, which wasn't visible to someone not registered. So I had to register.

There's an image of Spock, and there's a couple of titles -
Just a city boy!
Born and raised in south Detroit!

And an earworm that comes with it? Eiterh there's a sound track that I missed, or I'm just not getting it.

Please, could you explain? I'm into filk (science fiction music) , and I _still_ don't get it!

Thanks!

- FAL
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  #74  
Old 11-29-2013, 04:43 PM
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No worries! I guess I should have explained that we're all around the same age too... It helps to get the musical references (see link)
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #75  
Old 12-11-2013, 03:24 PM
FarAwayLover FarAwayLover is offline
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Smile Now I get it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
I guess I should have explained that we're all around the same age too... It helps to get the musical references (see link)
Thanks, YAH!

[Catching up on things. I've been too busy reading the story of the success in Mono and RedPepper's (and others') relationship(s)!
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...oly+Vignettes]

OK, I at least _recognize_ that song. But I wasn't paying lots of attention to pop music at that time, and the lyrics didn't jump out at me.

You're right! That _is_ funny!

Thanks!

FAL

------------------------------------------------

M - Me female, 59 - married to and living with B, in love with both B and JP
B - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
JP - 58 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
A - 65? - JP's wife of over 30 years, not happy about me and JP
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  #76  
Old 12-16-2013, 04:03 PM
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Default Updates and stuff...

Haven't posted much lately. The holidays get so freakin' busy. Plus, we had two software deliveries at work that nicely ended up coinciding with each other, so when I wasn't going cuckoo at home, I was going cuckoo at work. At least that seems to be lightening up, and I'm just avoiding personnel reviews at the moment.

I found that I was still wound up over Samhain dinner, and P and I had to talk about it some more. I didn't expect his niece to stay, since she and her husband have a one-year-old. Staying late ends up turning into "here, let's all socialize around the tired, crying child" and I wouldn't want to put them (or the little one!) through that. I was hurt that his sister pushed back on the time, though, and I didn't see him push for me. Felt that it was okay that I wasn't there, and that really didn't feel "partnery" to me. I didn't realize that he did push for me, and I didn't realize that there's a past history of his sister getting a bit testy with having to adjust plans to fit other peoples' schedules. I realize it now, and I'm feeling less hurt over it all.

Thanksgiving went well, after the initial hullaballoo with the ex-husband about actually HAVING the kids the night before Thanksgiving. M1 came up and we made ravioli the night before. It's a nice tradition (and my oldest really enjoyed M1's homemade sauce), but I may have to find another dough recipe, since neither kid really liked the raviolis once we ate them. Oops.

The next morning was the road race, and my oldest and I ran the 5k. I was initially reluctant to have my youngest stay at the finish line with P and M1 while my oldest and I ran the big race. Felt too "big poly family" and felt weird to have P/M1 watch my daughter (in a "we're the couple around my kids, not YOU" sort of way). I got over it. It made more sense to do it that way, and although M1 would have bowed out if I'd asked, I didn't feel good about asking to exclude her. It went fine. My youngest didn't really give a rat's ass, and she likes M1 anyway. Guess I plowed through that hangup.

Afterward, I dropped the kids off at their grandmother's, and after socializing with my ex-inlaws a bit, I left for Thanksgiving dinner at P's sister's house. What an amazingly fun time.

So... other stuff going on...
Got a followup post about some other stuff that's brewing in this noggin. I'll save all that talk for that post.

The holidays seem to be a bit more stressful (in addition to all the regular holiday stress) in that they seem, by nature, to be more "Big Poly Family". At some level, I'm okay with it, but this time of year, there's so much group activity, it just pushes that limit for me.

Christmas is ironed out now, and we'll pretty much do what we did last year. M1 was upset, thinking that because it's P's day (on the calendar) with me, that she'd be alone. My plans were up in the air due to my mom's radiation therapy dates being unknown. Right now, though, mom doesn't have radiation until January. M1 can come up and spend Christmas day with all of us, and no worries about feeling excluded on Christmas. However, I don't know if I'm going to explode simply because my mom is staying with me from the 21st through Christmas Day. We'll see if the house becomes Thunderdome and only one leaves.

And yes - Mom had her surgery (full mastectomy) and came through with flying colors! All signs point to them getting all the cancer, and now it's just a matter of going through radiation. WOO!

P and I are planning our trip to NYC in January, and some other trips a bit further out in the year. I'll be glad when the holidays are over, and things get back to being a bit more normal again, although I'm looking forward to the second annual Cards Against Humanity game on Christmas again. Nothing like playing that game with your mother. I think I'm scarred for life.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #77  
Old 12-16-2013, 04:09 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Default On Labels...

What's in a name? Or a label? Or a role? Or a word? It's just semantics, right?
Some labels, I choose not to worry about, or don't really feel the need to identify with.

The "demisexual" thing. That's recent. It's interesting, and it explains why I feel the way I do about people and relationships pretty well. But I don't need to identify as such.

The whole Mono versus Poly thing. I identify as Mono, but what the hell does that mean? I see Poly folks on the board who enjoy multiple casual (but loving) relationships, and identify as Poly. I see others who eschew casual relationships and go for more of a Poly Family model. Myself? I identify (strongly) as Mono, but in a way that I think isn't quite the way everyone else does. I could see myself being able to sustain multiple casual relationships. I do not see myself sustaining multiple life-partner relationships. I want one partner and one only. The whole "pendulum" model of love. If I love less intensely, I could probably spread it out. I just don't want to. The pendulum swings strongly in the direction of my partner, and if I were to have more relationships, it'd pull somewhere in the middle and I'd be unable to have that intensity with him.

So, despite the realization that I could probably carry off multiple relationships, they're not the type of relationship I primarily want, thus the self-identification as "mono". If I want a partnership (which I do), then I only want one. What complicates things a bit is a girl-crush on an old friend of mine. I could certainly see myself adding the "benefits" part of the "FWB" moniker to our friendship, but I also don't see it changing the relationship into anything different than it is. I'll still be a friendship. So... I dunno. I still identify as mono, but maybe "mono-ish" would be more accurate. Shrug.

The term "partner"... Now that's an interesting label, and one I never really thought much about until recently. Like I said above, I *do* want a partner. While I value my independence, I still want one very close person to share my life with. But what does "share my life with" mean? In a mono relationship, you don't have to break down that statement at all. In a poly one (well, in THIS poly one), it seems that EVERY term gets tossed on end, examined, flipped that way, re-examined, and then cut apart and dissected to really get at the meat of it, and I find myself doing that here (I still need to do that with "veto" but that's more of an intellectual discussion among the three of us, I think).

I've already compromised on a few things I used to consider part and parcel of being a "partner" - marriage, having someone to come home to every night, sharing finances and assets. Some of it (the shared finances/assets part), I'm happy to give up. Some of it (the "coming home to someone every night" part), I'm not all that happy about giving up. Marriage itself, I've found, I'm kind of neutral about. I don't need the certificate, and I don't feel the state should really give a rat's ass, so whatever. The tax breaks are nice, but it's not a draw for me.

The distinction between "partner" and "boyfriend" does come up from time to time. When I got my house, and was trying to make it MY home with my kids (because I felt the kids needed to feel it was their home with me after the divorce, and I shouldn't complicate things at first), P felt left out - was he "partner" or "BF"? (Not so much an issue anymore, as he does feel vested in this home... hell, he has a half-assembled tractor in the garage!)

The extra bedroom in his home with M1... he felt it was our space - our sanctuary in that home there, to be just ours. Our retreat when it was our night but we needed to be in that area for some reason. I thought of it as a place to stay when I was there, but still feel it's THEIR home. I think that pushed at his partner/BF boundary as well. Made it feel like I was visiting my BF rather than being with my partner. (Probably one of HIS compromises, as it's a bit too "poly family" for me to want to stay there with any regularity, plus the logistics are tougher for me)

The family time - that's still an ongoing project, trying to get more time with P and his family... that's part and parcel of feeling like a partner on my end.

So now I'm in a new "partner/BF" quandry of my own.
I guess it isn't new... it's come up over and over again when I'm struggling with something: the home improvement projects, the mold in the basement, the leaky bulkhead, the wood stove. I thought it was simply feeling overwhelmed when I don't know how to handle something. Wanting him to be there to help. Thinking that a partner should be able to be counted on in those moments. And that led to some discussions about independence (which I DO want, and value - I WANT to learn the nuances of that wood stove, dammit... I DO want to be proficient with a hammer and say that I can take on <x> project myself), and he doesn't want to jump in and rescue me.

It still felt unresolved, though. I don't want to be rescued, but what the hell is it that I WANT? What the hell do I feel is missing? I couldn't articulate it.

Yesterday, we got hit with about 8-10 inches of heavy snow. Not all that out of the ordinary for a snowstorm, but it was a weekend where he was with M1, they didn't get much snow, and without a working tractor (and no snowblower, either), I was outside with a long driveway, a shovel, and two kids that helped for a little while but got cold and hungry and couldn't get restarted after lunch.

So while I was shoveling snow (and lamenting the fact that without help, I wasn't going to be dug out until dark), I realized that THIS is part of what I want out of a partner. Someone to share the burden with. Sharing my life with someone also means sharing burdens with them - it's a two-way street. Except, I feel that I can't count on him to be there for that. The day to day burdens? He's only with me half-time, and if it's not an emergency (snow isn't an emergency - I grew up in New England and if it's 18+ inches, then MAYBE I will concede on using the "E" word), I can't call on him to be there with me for them. I can't count on him to be there to share the load.

And that really impacted me, emotionally. THAT is part of a partnership for me, and I don't have that all the time. I have it when he's physically there, but not when he's with M1.

It came up again recently when I was busy as hell with work, and we missed our normal opportunity to talk on the phone about our days. I felt like I couldn't talk about my day afterward without taking time away from him and M1, and I felt pushed off about talking until we could be physically together (which wasn't his intent). Just talking about our days, sharing our burdens that way, is important to me, but to respect his time with M1, I feel like I can't really talk to him except during the times we've carved out, and when we miss those opportunities, I feel that they've been missed. Period.

If it were a job that took him away? Well... it's easy to think that they'd still rather be with you, but they have to eat, you know? So the job is a necessary evil. And it's much easier to vilify something that's inanimate.

But it's not a job. It's his choice to spend half his time with M1 and half of it with me, and that makes it harder, emotionally, knowing he chooses to spend time away. Plus, I can't even cuss out a job under my breath. It ends up being me cussing out M1 under my breath, and that leads to resentment. P's not here to share my load and it's YOUR FAULT. Yeah, great. A couple steps backward, there.

(And I know it's not her fault. It's his choice to be in this type of relationship with both of us, and it's my choice to be here as well... boy, is it easy to point the finger of blame, though, when the emotions are running high.)

Doesn't help that his lack of time with me means the tractor isn't fixed yet.

So what the hell do I do about it?
How I've dealt with it in the past is to detach emotionally from him when he's not here and I need to hunker down and do something. Becoming MADAM INDEPENDENCE (cue theme music) and not needing P around. Except, that really puts me in a frame of mind that really does distance me from him, and it takes some work to open up and be close to him again. I hate doing it, and I try to not do it unless I have to. But if I don't do it during those times, I want him here to help, and I get wrapped around the axle when he's not.

Do I ratchet us down from 'partners' to something else in my head?
Then see my above mono/poly thing... I'll effectively be taking him out of my heart as my partner if I do that, and my relationship with him will be... what? Will it EFFECTIVELY change? Probably not right away. Will it emotionally change for me? Definitely. Why? Because I want that partner. I want to share my life, my load (and their load!) with someone. And if I make the conscious effort to say that this isn't what I have, then I will probably eventually go looking, and that WILL change our relationship, our intimacy level.

Or do I rewicker that definition of 'partner' again for myself?
Feels like yet another compromise, but if this is going to work, it may be what I have to do.

No. Let me rephrase that.
If I want this to continue as a partnership, given the circumstances, then it will be what I have to do.
My choice, I suppose. Let's own this bad boy.

But how much do I change the definition of 'partner' before it loses meaning for me? Before I start looking for a partner the way I used to define it, and stop thinking of this as a partnership altogether? Before I realize that I was lying to myself with whatever that previous change in definition was?

I guess that remains unanswered right now.
I keep bending the definition, and I'm not sure where it's going to break.
Here's hoping I recognize it when/if it does.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 12-16-2013 at 06:41 PM. Reason: Clarity
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  #78  
Old 12-17-2013, 11:47 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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After chewing on this a bit yesterday, I think I should just put it down for a while (definitely until after the holidays) and let the subconscious work on it for a while. The issue's been there a while, so there's no urgency. I just managed to tie all the different pieces to an overall theme. Can't really complain about that. However, the holiday season, with yet another batch of snow today (that is seriously impacting my shopping time with my oldest daughter tonight, dammit), the fact that I haven't gotten Christmas cards out, or shopping even close to done, and scheduling other get-togethers and the like... yeah, this isn't the time. Best to let it settle until the stress goes down a bit. Like January.

On the plus side, P and I had a great night with his sister last night. Coffee (and dinner for me) at Panera with some great chitchat. It felt nice.

Wood stove is cranked in anticipation of a cold, snowy day. Half-day at work planned, since the snow is going to start in the late morning. Maybe some online Christmas shopping once I get home. And shoveling.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #79  
Old 12-17-2013, 10:50 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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Default

Just started reading your blog yesterday. I wish I knew you! But that whole less than 18" of snow not being an emergency is a hindrance on that. lol Thanks for sharing your story. It's nice to know I'm not the only mono girl living in a poly world. I've found putting some thoughts on the back burner is very useful. It gives my subconcious time to sort things out a little so I don't sound like a giant dork when I verbalize myinternal musings. I hope your shopping doesn't get blocked too much.
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  #80  
Old 12-20-2013, 01:38 AM
Monogamish1 Monogamish1 is offline
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Default Hugs - Keep blogging!

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
So now I'm in a new "partner/BF" quandry of my own.
I guess it isn't new... it's come up over and over again when I'm struggling with something: the home improvement projects, the mold in the basement, the leaky bulkhead, the wood stove. I thought it was simply feeling overwhelmed when I don't know how to handle something. Wanting him to be there to help. Thinking that a partner should be able to be counted on in those moments. And that led to some discussions about independence (which I DO want, and value - I WANT to learn the nuances of that wood stove, dammit... I DO want to be proficient with a hammer and say that I can take on <x> project myself), and he doesn't want to jump in and rescue me.
Quote:
Do I ratchet us down from 'partners' to something else in my head?
Then see my above mono/poly thing... I'll effectively be taking him out of my heart as my partner if I do that, and my relationship with him will be... what? Will it EFFECTIVELY change? Probably not right away. Will it emotionally change for me? Definitely. Why? Because I want that partner. I want to share my life, my load (and their load!) with someone. And if I make the conscious effort to say that this isn't what I have, then I will probably eventually go looking, and that WILL change our relationship, our intimacy level.

Or do I rewicker that definition of 'partner' again for myself?
Feels like yet another compromise, but if this is going to work, it may be what I have to do.
Big hugs.
So much of what you have been writing resonates with me. Asshat of an ex & unlearning so many of the reactions I was conditioned to in that marriage. Now having a partner with another partner.
Trying to define what a partnership is.
When I first broached backing off from committed partners planning their commitment ceremony to FWB, my P balked. But that is where we are now.
Trying to define what my NEEDs and WANTs are in a relationship with a poly or any person.

Please keep blogging. It is reassuring to hear of someone in the same boat.
When I was a Navy wife, we had the "Officers' Wives Club" for mutual support especially when the spouses were out to sea for extended periods of time. I wish I had the equivalent here locally for this relationship. This forum and the group on yahoo for mono-poly are the closest I have found for kindred souls.
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