Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 09-26-2013, 03:47 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 744
Default

Camping / Highland Games went well... The games themselves? Amazing. Nothing like seeing large, muscular men in kilts tossing cabers and steel weights. Rowr.

M1 gravitated more toward the music and bands, so we watched some great performers as well: if you like drums and pipes, I heartily recommend Albannach. Alastair Fraiser and his cellist (can't remember her name) were great too, if you like strings. All in all, a great day. P picked up a new kilt. I picked myself up a celtic-looking knotwork silver band for my index finger (I love metalwork in my jewelry - not so big on stones), and tried haggis!

And loved it. I'm a sick little monkey.

I still get awkward when we all hang out together... I feel uncomfortable when P gives public attention to the both of us (the "all eyes are on me" feeling), so I do tend to separate myself a bit, physically. It's a reaction of mine, I've identified it, but I definitely ran it by P again to make sure he understood I wasn't trying to be standoffish and I wasn't pissed off. He gets it, and I suppose with more outings, I'll work on that and hopefully approach "I don't give a shit" territory as time goes on.

Camping was interesting. The first night was effing freezing, and M1 and I assumed that since P is an oven, we would be okay with only a couple blankets.

Oh, were WE wrong. My poor ass was hanging out of the blankets when I tried to snuggle up with P, and the air mattress taco made my shoulder hurt. When I'd roll over in an effort to feel my fingertips again, I'd get cold. Slept like ass.

Apparently, M1 also slept like ass (allergies) and mentioned that she felt isolated from P all night, which, oddly enough, so did I... I'm guessing that when we *were* awake, he was facing the other person. I know I did have to wake him up at one point because I was freeeeeeeeezing, so he could come over and warm me up. Poor P felt badly, but honestly, what the hell could he do?

Anyway - solution was to put ALL the blankets on the mattress. I figured I'd sleep much better and not give a shit who was facing where.

Except it rained and was in the 60s the next night.
Oh, and did I mention the leaky tent?

Oy.

Well, despite roasting under all the blankets (and poor P in the middle, unable to hang a leg out!), and the occasional *spat* *spat* of a drip hitting you in the face, or arm, or foot, or whatever, M1 and I slept like rocks. P, not so much.

Good time, but I was still pretty damned happy to be home.

So, sanity check - yeah, I don't like the "all eyes are on me" feeling. It felt extra-strange since for some reason, a metric shit-ton of my coworkers were also at the Games. It was manageable, though, so no big deal there.

The sharing a bed thing was okay. I find cuddling a very intimate thing, tied emotionally with a partner, my kids, or, maaaaybe a very close friend. I don't feel that intimacy with M1, and thus, when I get a brush of her hand, or end up flopping my hand on her arm or something while I'm snuggling with P, it's pretty jarring. I end up sticking to "my side" of P.

I suppose that's fine. We find what works, and I was okay with that. I know that I'm not up for "puppy piles" or "cuddle puddles" and I guess this just reaffirms that. It's funny, because I'm a "hugger", and I'll reach out and touch people's arms when I'm talking (if they're also "touchers" - I don't like to wig people out if they're not), but cuddling... nope. Crosses some internal line somewhere. <shrug>

Anyhoo... everyone had a good time, and I started looking up haggis recipes.

In other news, NO news from my sister after she was discharged from the hospital. Maybe one FB post (a shared article), but she's staying quiet. I dunno...

Got a call from radiology that they want me to come back and get followup images done of my right breast (the same one that was biopsied, marked, and determined to have a benign tumor in it a few years ago). Sigh. Hoping it's nothing. With mom's issues (still going through chemo, and doing better with a different dose), the desire for a followup scan is a bit stressful. I go in tomorrow for that. Fingers crossed...
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 09-26-2013, 05:12 PM
RainyGrlJenny's Avatar
RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 156
Default

Sounds like a fun weekend over all, except the leaky tent would have made me crazytown. It also sounds like you learned/reaffirmed some things about yourself and your comfort levels. Self-knowledge is always a good thing!

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. My mom was a breast cancer survivor, and Moonlight has had a couple worrisome times with that sort of thing, so I know how scary it can be. I'm sending good vibes that it will be nothing!
__________________
35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 09-26-2013, 05:29 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 744
Default

Thanks bunches, RGJenny! I appreciate the positive vibes.

I find all the learning and reaffirming - all that self-introspection - to be a fascinating thing. I used to bury things in a big way, due to avoidance behavior and just plain old conditioning. Once I started doing all this work, it was like, "What other interesting/bizarre/surprising thing can I figure out about myself?"

It's actually grown into something of a compulsion now, to be honest... if there's something wrong and I'm having an emotional hiccup, my brain starts turning it over in a "MUST FIGURE THIS OUT" fashion.

Sometimes the old habits come back (bury and ignore), but lately, those times are fewer and farther between. Now P just can't get me to shut up when there's something going on. Be careful what you ask for!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 09-30-2013, 05:05 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 744
Default Thinking Out Loud (or, "talk til ya puke" isn't good if it's more 'puke' than 'talk')

Okie dokie... Over the character limit, so you get two posts... Yay?

Update from the last post: the whatzit in my right breast is a "complex cyst", so no worries. It got a little hairy when I went in for the followup mammo, then for an ultrasound, then for ANOTHER ultrasound - my 15 min. appointment stretched on for an hour. However, the news at the end was worth it, so yay that.

Some interesting emotional observations this weekend. We have a powwow coming up next week, and I'm trying to figure out what to bring up, and what not to. I think some of this is "own my own feelings" territory, but I also remember from experience that not acknowledging it can breed resentment. Oh boy.

Stream of consciousness / rant / thinking-out-loud follows - I'm processing via typing, so consider yourselves warned. None of this shit is worked out yet in my head...

(As an aside, although this is a blog thread, posts that offer up constructive criticism are always welcomed and will be taken in the spirit in which they were offered. It is, of course, up to me whether or not to actually TAKE any advice that's offered, but it's still appreciated.)

So... Let's begin with Negative Moment #1:

P and I started discussing the holidays, and that we'll need to plan them out fairly soon (is it almost October already?! WTH!): Samhain, Thanksgiving, Christmas... P's mom hosts Christmas Eve every year. Last year, the kids and I were invited (along with P, M1, P's sister and her family (and the new grandbaby), P's son was there after having just come back home from the other tip of the country) - it was a LOT of people. My mom calls me up, last-minute, saying that she had nowhere to go for Christmas, and can she spend it with me.

This is my mother. Of COURSE she can spend the holiday with me. Except, well... plans. I asked P if his mother would mind if I brought MY mother. I know it's an imposition, so I wanted to be delicate about it. "No" was definitely an option, and I would have been okay with that (other than having told the kids one thing, and then pulling the rug out from underneath them). She said sure, I called her to thank her about it, and we had a very odd, but busy Christmas Eve.

Last week, P (obviously not liking being put in the role of "messenger") mentioned that his mom felt odd about it all last year, it was a year of a lot of upheaval, etc., and she felt uncomfortable with it all. He wasn't sure what my plans were with my mom, but he didn't believe the invitation would be extended this year to her.

It's P's mom's event and all, and I completely understand. But I did make it clear to P that if my mom needs someone to be with, then I would not be attending the festivities at his mom's house. I won't tell the kids anything until we have something firmed up, and I'm okay with not being there, given the possible circumstances.

Except, competitive and comparative thinking is not my friend. Well, it is for work. It always was for school. I have been conditioned for it my entire life, and it works very well, except for here.

My emotions go traipsing down the path of, "If this were a traditional relationship, would she be okay with shutting me out of the family celebration? Is it okay because he's bringing M1 and well, that's enough?"

Which then ends up feeding the wolf that says, "Because M1 is closer in proximity to P's family, she's got the recognition. She's THE partner. She's the one they see all the time. Maybe my relationship with P isn't real to them, or isn't seen as important - after all, I didn't pick up my life to move in with him. She did. Maybe that shows them that his relationship with M1 is more legitimate, or something, than ours."

Blaaaaaah.
The spiral of negative thinking is really easy to get caught up in. When you're feeling that way, it can cloud the way you think about other things. The wolf has been fed.


Negative Moment #2:
So... in discussing Christmas and Christmas Eve, P suggests that maybe I preempt the question from my mom by making plans with her for Christmas Day and not the day before.

A little back story from last year: Christmas Day fell on a day where P would have stayed with me. M1 spent the day with us as well, since I'd have to be an asshole to want her to spend Christmas away from P. We had a really nice time all together, and with mom as well (thank goodness my relationship with P is out to my mom and sisters), and I learned WAY more about my mother than I ever wanted after a game of Cards Against Humanity. Wow.

This year, though, P suggested going up to my mom's, with M1 in tow.

I'm internally balking at this, mainly because, if we're going to plan this in advance, I'd like my mom to spend time with HER family and plan that as well - invite my grandparents and my aunt up - and do the family thing with them. And they don't know anything about the particulars of the relationship - that M1 is also P's partner - and I'd feel that (A) she'd be a fish out of water, and (B) we'd be dealing with "who the hell is THAT?" (There are other reasons I'd balk - my mom is a recovering hoarder whose house has just been fixed up, but still has signs of decay and old cigarette smoke from years of neglect, and I don't think she'd be comfortable with us bringing M1 anyway).

I know M1 is P's family, but I don't see her as *mine*. I'm reluctant to bring M1 along to something I see as time with *my* family. This one definitely needs more thought... I'm torn between ignoring the whole family thing (which I don't want to do), or outing myself at this point so that it's either a non-issue, or the issue is out in the open. And I don't know that outing myself would really solve anything, anyway, since I don't know if my mom would even want M1 to come up. And yes, I recognize the irony here, between this situation and the one with P's mom. I recognize it all too well.

Negative Moment #3, and the final ingredient in the recipe for Emotional Roller Coaster Upside-Down Cake:
(To be continued)
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 09-30-2013, 05:15 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 744
Default Thinking Out Loud, Part 2

So, to recap...
- We have the "people see P & M1 as the 'legit' relationship" feelings floating around.
- We have the "do I have to out myself" worries as well, surrounding Christmas
so let's now add Facebook to the mix (ugh... Effing Facebook).

Negative Moment #3:
Saturday, P and I did a LOT (a looooooot) of work around the house while the kids kept each other occupied. Feeling like a gregarious wiseass, I updated my Facebook status to indicate that yay, we got a lot of shit done, but boo - poor P ended up stung in the neck by one of the bees we'd inadvertently pissed off. Apparently, I ran over a ground nest with the mower. Lots of angry bees flying around. Oops.

Now, I love the fact that FB offers a GREAT way of keeping in touch with family I don't often see. My uncle and two aunts both commented on that post, and it's fun to see what we're all doing. Especially since my Uncle is a tractor guy and he likes seeing the posts regarding P getting his tractor working (which he drove around the yard for the first time EVER on Saturday - woot!).

M1 responds as well, with what sounds like an extremely worried post about P not being allergic, or he would have let her know, and she's hoping he's all right.

To which I thought, "Oh, here come the questions from the relatives!"

There was a bit more back and forth - I reassured both M1 and my aunt that yes, he's fine, but I was pretty wound up about having possibly been outed to my family and friends in a FB comment. I was already a bit emotional due to the holiday thing, and while I understand her worry, I was aggravated that it didn't end up as a text or phone call, but ended up on my FB feed.

So this fed my feelings about the next thing... and I know that, if the emotions hadn't been running hot, I probably would have shrugged it off. It's a personality difference between me and M1, and I don't even know if I should bring it up at the powwow, to P, or just rant about it here and suck it up. This is where typing to the blog will help just get the thoughts together... I hope. Apologies to anyone still reading - you're now the "YouAreHere is processing while typing" guinea pigs.

Facebook again. Right after the whole "did she just out me to my family?" thing, I notice P's status from the night before - basically a "hey FB, I haven't been around much. <wave!>." A handful of comments from folks to say hey, we missed you, how's things, bla bla.

M1 has responded to EVERY comment on P's status as though they were directed at her. "Waves back!" "I missed you too!" Stuff like that. And it's grinding my gears at the moment.

It goes back to the "P and M1 are looking like the 'legitimate' relationship" thing from the beginning of the post. She's acting as welcoming committee - the public face to P's Facebook wall when he's not there.

I'm not as Facebook-gregarious as she is. I know this is a personality difference (I prefer to friend people I actually know and don't want to go out and friend everyone he knows just because they're tied to him). I AM gregarious with my friends and family, but when comments are directed toward other people, they're not mine to respond to. So, yes, we're both VERY different on this front.

But it also just feels territorial to me. That she's treating him and his FB comments as her territory. In the process, she's getting the "name recognition" and further cementing her status as "primary" in everyone's eyes, while I remain fairly quiet and hang back. I realize it shouldn't matter - what people think doesn't impact what our relationship really IS, but it's nice to have the recognition and validation. It's the difference between the politician who puts up signs all over the neighborhood and "um, that other guy, what was his name?"

And this is where I just want my inner Spock to come out and tell my emotions to fuck off. She has reassured me many times over that she is just not a territorial person. I have no place even getting upset about this. It's her modus operandi, not mine. I've already (a year or so ago) struggled with this difference, tried to be as FB-gregarious as she is, and HATED it, so I stopped trying to be something I'm not.

(Anyone who is friends with me on FB is reading this like "who the hell ARE you? You're pretty damn gregarious, or we're going to have to redefine that word!" Yes, I am, but within my circle of friends and family. It takes a lot to get me to befriend people just because P knows them, and I've done that only by request).

I don't know if I'm going to bring this one up - it's not my place to get tweaked about how she talks with people. If I feel publicly steamrolled, then I need to speak up in public myself.

Bah. Good thing there's a week before we get together. Maybe I can work some of the holiday angle out through P beforehand, and the emotional BS will subside enough to see the other stuff a bit more clearly. One step at a time, I guess... Anyone still reading? You get a cookie. You sure as hell deserve one.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 10-01-2013, 02:53 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 744
Default

Update:

Found out that P & M2 broke up the other night - mainly due to time and schedule differences, and not really being able to make a heck of a lot of time for their relationship. P's the type to be able to pick up where he left off 6 months or a year later down the road, so he's not in a bad place - they left it as friends, and I guess they'll see where the future takes them.

The relationship between M1 and M2's husband was broken off a while back, due to some basic incompatibilities.

So... it's pretty much back at a typical Vee.


Gonna talk with P tonight when he comes home (and after I have my time with the kids). The one thing about splitting time like this is that I feel that, when these things come up, I have to wait until he comes home to actually talk about it (I don't like to call and take up his time with M1 unless it's an emergency). I guess it helps get the thoughts in order before we actually DO talk, but still... nothing like hanging on to stress longer than you need to, and working up the dread toward actually HAVING that discussion because you have to sit on it for a while.

I guess I can run it by him as to whether or not he thinks I should even bring up the whole FB commenting thing (not the "feeling like I almost got outed" part, that I still want to bring up). I'm reluctant to have that talk (even though I will), because I hate triggering his protective instinct - like he has to protect her from me. It disassociates me from him, and it takes some work to reconnect after that happens. Especially when I'm not trying to attack her, but it's just that some of her mannerisms can really get my hackles up when the emotions are running high.

Which, again, is MY problem. Not hers.
I just can't really vent to very many people about it, and really don't want to drag P in the middle.

Feh.

It's obvious to me (now) that my main deal with the whole FB commenting thing, combined with the Xmas Eve thing, is a desire to feel validated and recognized as someone who is just as important to P as M1 is, even though I'm not as visible as she is.

What to *do* about feeling that way? No effing idea. I can't change circumstances, other than trying to get more "face time" with P's fam, which doesn't seem to happen even though I ask for it - it's difficult to get together. Do I splatter myself all over his FB feed? No. It feels like I'm wearing someone else's skin if I do that - it's not me. Do I just give up on wanting that? It feels like I'm admitting defeat if I do that - that I'll never have that, so why bother - sour grapes. Eff it. And therein breeds resentment ("M1 gets that, but I never will").

Double feh.

Oh, and no takers for the cookies, eh? More for me!
OMNOMNOMNOMNOM...
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")

Last edited by YouAreHere; 10-01-2013 at 03:31 PM. Reason: nomnomnomnomnomnom... (and the light bulb moment)
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 10-01-2013, 06:45 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,252
Default

I may have missed something critical but did your partner tell you his mom consider you as lesser in some way? Or did you infer that? Maybe his mom is uncomfortable with having your mom over for the holidays for totally different reasons.

If you want to feel confident as having importance in his life, then act like it. Partners talk directly to parents sometimes. In this case, it would have been better to ask his mom directly if it was ok to add your mom to the holiday mix. Perhaps you could think about apologizing to his mom for putting her in an awkward position. Yes, she should have told you of the discomfort long before this. And P should have just refused to be an intermediary if he was that unhappy about it. But apologizing may allow you to act as a person who counts in his life - which you are to all appearances - and it might clear the air with his mom, who just might tell you why she does not want your mom to join them this year.

I think you are struggling with a lot of issues many mono/poly folks struggle with. I see that you are doing the best you can and your willingness to keep trying and working on yourself is really commendable. I've enjoyed reading your blog.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 10-01-2013, 07:47 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 744
Default

Thanks, Opalescent... No, she's never said anything overtly - it's more that I get in a funk every now and then that I rarely see his family (except for big holidays), and M1 is close enough to see them for dinner fairly regularly and the like. I feel like the "invisible partner" at times, and there's little to do about it when schedules collide.

I'd like to see them more often, but P says he sees them enough ("But if you want to hang out with the crazy people, fine!"). I'd like to find a better balance than what we have now, but given my schedule, and people's overall reluctance to drive (this is RI - sense of distance is REEEEALLY skewed and a drive of 20 minutes is OMGFOREVER!), I'm going to find it harder to strike a balance than I would an hour into a game of Jenga.

Logically, I *do* know that the reason P's mom didn't feel comfortable with my mom there is that it was just weird... she had barely gotten to know me, and that year was the first time EVERYONE was at her house. P's son had come back from living at his mother's house, which kind of threw everyone into a tizzy, and here are not only P's TWO partners, but one of them had her kids AND her mom. I can totally agree with the "OMG, Calgon, take me away!" that she must have been feeling.

And I hadn't intended on dropping that on her lap (hell, I was surprised when it was dropped in my lap!) - I shortened things for brevity a bit (wouldn't know it from the novel I wrote), but I was worried THEN that I'd have to bow out, and did call her afterwards to make sure it was all right, and to thank her (profusely). I agree that calling her myself now would be a good idea. Time to get over my stupid phone phobia and just do it (I can blather on in person like there's no tomorrow - why do I hate the damned phone so much??).

Emotions and insecurities got ramped up and compounded with the other small triggers to make the molehill into a mountain, much as it always does when I go a bit wonky.

Problem now is that P's having a shitty day at work, and while I'm feeling a bit better about it all now that I've dug and hit paydirt, I'm thinking he's not going to be in the best mood for talking. Hopefully the commute doesn't suck too, or I might as well avoid him all night.

Always an adventure, now isn't it?
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 10-02-2013, 01:23 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 744
Default Did you hear that?

That. Did you hear that? That loooooooooong exhale?
Yeah.

Funny how one face-to-face talk does wonders.
Funny how it does wonders every. single. time... and yet I still get wound up about even just talking about it - worrying that something I say is going to get his hackles up and be the straw that broke the camel's back (do camels have hackles?).

And P, very calmly, says that well, this stuff doesn't get triggered all that often and he knows I'm still turning over stones, so he's just happy it was a familiar animal and not something new.

He offered reassurance that yes, his family understands that I'm just as important to him as M1 is, that they ask about me when I'm not there, that it's not "How's M1? And how's that other girl you're seeing?" That kind of thing.

And the whole Christmas thing was a bit of a misinterpretation (not the Xmas Eve thing, but the whole "do we go up to my mom's and bring M1, and then what about the other relatives?") - P was suggesting that he, I, and M1 do dinner at home first, THEN he and I would go up to mom's. Given the drive, etc., it wouldn't be feasible, though, so I just assumed he meant we'd all go up to mom's. Derp.

Anyway, Christmas needs some more discussion at the very least.

P's biggest worry through all this was that I got all wound up about talking about it... that whole "is this going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back" thing. Yeah, it stems from insecurity. When my ex decided he wanted to separate, it was after a few months of telling me "I just want you to be happy" - which translated into "I just want you to shut up and be happy with what you have; I don't want to work at this - I'm going to keep my GF, not go to counseling with you, and isolate you from your friends. You need to be happy with that." I kept bringing up issues so we could work through them, and he decided he'd had enough.

(Yeah. I know. I should have had the balls to have had enough, myself, but kids are a powerful motivator for staying in an otherwise crappy situation)

17+ years of conditioning (add dating in the mix and we were together 22 years - yikes...). Of "Why can't you be happy with what you have? Why do you always want more? Why isn't anything good enough for you?" So yeah, it's work to get past that.

I'm evidently projecting this onto P. I know I'm being an enormous PITA at times, and keep wondering if each time is going to be the "I'm done" moment. He's being patient - understanding that it's not that I don't trust him, but that in those moments, I feel that despite our relationship being a great one, that my PITA-ttitude will be big enough to mess it up. And he offered a lot of reassurances that he's not going anywhere.

At least until the brussels sprouts kicked in and he went to bed in pain. D'oh.
Damned food, always getting in the way of a good time.

Anyhoo... I plan on calling his mom tonight on the way home from work. The stress has lifted. The FB crap seems as insignificant as I thought it would, had I not already had the other emo crap going on. And tonight is "demo night" - the remaining studs and drywall (and other assorted junk like the old central vac unit) are getting removed so I can pick up some concrobium, fog the hell out of the mold down there and kill it once and for all.

~~

As an aside, this was one of those things I was reluctant to post - the whole internal twisting and turning, and the process by which things got worked out. But if there is anyone in the same boat - who goes through the same issues sometimes (and sometimes over and over again), I thought maybe it'd be good to see that someone else does this too... If it's a bit eyeroll-inducing for some, I understand, but I figured what the hell... it's worth sharing this stuff.

Hope all is well with everyone... All the cookies are gone, BTW. You missed your chance.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 10-08-2013, 02:13 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 744
Default Putting the F-U in funk. Blah...

Powwow was last night - rather than do it in a public place, we ended up meeting at P's home with M1 south (they were broke and I was thankful for the chance to get emotional in a place where I wouldn't be surrounded by strangers). Of course, when I stay there on a work night, I'm leaving at 5:30am, and tired me is sucking down the coffee and trying to fight off the exhaustion and general malaise. Bleh.

Starting off on a up-note, the phone call with P's mom went well. P's grand-niece's first birthday party was over the weekend, and I was unable to make it due to commitments with my own kids, so I called, left a really awkward voice mail about how I was sorry I wouldn't be coming to the party, that P talked with me about Xmas Eve, and I understand completely, and we'll figure out our holiday plans as we get closer. I wished everyone a good time at the party and left it at that (stumbling over my words as I spoke... it was a very derpy message I left). She called back and we had a nice conversation, although she really did NOT want to discuss Xmas Eve - instead brushing it off with "Well, we'll talk about it later."

I found out that she cornered him at the birthday party and asked him, "What did you tell her? You didn't tell her that we didn't want HER to come, did you?"

So, that was nice to hear. And it was nice to talk with her a bit.

His family dynamic is very different from what I'm used to. My Ex was the gateway to his family (except for his mom, somewhat - but she used to live across the street... in a good way, not in an "Everyone Loves Raymond" way). I feel odd just picking up the phone and calling them without P being in the middle somehow. It's difficult to undo that training, but she appreciates the phone calls, so I'll work on that. It's nice to know how she feels about it.

After the party, he came up and we knocked off the rest of the basement demo - we had to gut the whole thing, since I found more mold in a section we thought was unaffected. At least all the old mouse nests are gone too (bleh). My mouser of a cat is going mental, wanting to get downstairs and hunt. After a few dry days, it'll be time to spray with concrobium and kill the mold once and for all. It'll be good to have THAT finally done.

And for some reason, I thought it'd be a great idea to have a cookout with my college friends this Sunday. Nothing like forcing myself to clean up the house and yard with no time to do it... wheeeee!

So, like I said above, last night was the powwow with me, P, and M1. We usually go over our issues (ups/downs/anything else that needs to be worked out). We started off by planning the holiday schedule: Samhain, Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Years.

Samhain:
I pretty much gave up on doing a Dumb Supper on Halloween night with P and his family, since I'll be doing trick-or-treating with my kids (at least until I transfer them for Trick-or-Treat Round 2 with their dad). We'll have our own the night before. Sucks to miss out, but given all the scheduling conflicts, it seems like the story of my life. At least we'll do something.

Thanksgiving:
Last year, we started a tradition that M1 brought with her: making homemade ravioli the night before, and then serving it with Thanksgiving dinner. It didn't really go so well with the entire clan - not enough room for all the people, not everyone got into it, and I and my kids had to leave early since we were running a road race early the next morning. This year, M1 will come up and we'll do the ravioli party up north, just the three of us and the kids, which will be fun. Not sure if I'm doing the road race with the kids, but I'll drop them off at their grandmother's on turkey day, and then head south for dinner with M1, P, and P's family.

Christmas was the one that turned the night upside down.
Xmas Eve and Xmas Day fall on "my" days with P on the schedule. Since Xmas Eve is always spent at his mom's, and he'll have his daughter for the night, it makes no sense for him to stay up north with me, and that's fine. We'll have the day with his mom (depending on what my mom's needs are), and I'll spend Xmas Eve night at home with the kids - cookies for santa, stockings, the whole bit. I'll drop them off at their dad's the next morning.

Given that we're not sure what's up with my mom (she had nowhere to go last year), and she'll be in the middle of radiation therapy for her cancer, we're not sure she'll even be able to handle a trip, and P and I considered going north to see her (and I thought about collecting some more family on the way and making it a nice Xmas for her).

This would leave M1 alone for much of Xmas Day, unless I either out myself to the rest of my relatives and bring her, or we leave the other relatives out of the Xmas festivities and bring her. And given that my mother is a recovering hoarder, that even assumes she'd be comfortable having M1 at her place.

I don't know how this is going to work out, but it really left a shitty taste in everyone's mouths last night.

(More to come - I need to break here for a bit)
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
divorce, family, metamour, mono/poiy, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:52 PM.