Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #121  
Old 03-13-2014, 02:02 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 928
Default

So we had our powwow via Google Hangouts. I was amused by the fact that Xena was on her own laptop, in another room, while Chops was in the living room, and I finally had to say, "GO SIT TOGETHER! This is weird!" She was happy to, since the hookah was in the living room. Heh.

Besides, it made it MUCH easier to talk when GHangouts wasn't flip-flopping between cameras. Ugh. My eyes.

So after playing around with Google's goofy visual effects (Chops is absolutely adorkable with a virtual pirate hat and monocle over chat - "Captain Peanut"), we got to the point(s) and had a damn short convo.

Safer sex talk is pretty much done. We summarized what we're agreeing to, so we're all on the same page. There was more discussion regarding how there are no prospects to actually use that on the horizon, and I finally felt my work personality come out and go, "Okay, regardless of whether or not it's going to come into play any time soon, it's good to actually get this out of the way, no?" I'm all for disclosure, but I'm more for being to the point.

As for the podcast thingie, Xena made it clear that the intended audience is "in the lifestyle" (swinging) and this isn't an "educate everyone about poly or our relationship" thing, but more of a friend asking "what is poly to you and how do you do it". Now that Xena knows my responses to some of the sample questions, if the interview goes that way, she'll know what to say, but I came out of the discussion with the impression that I was making far more of it than it really was, and MY answers to the proposed questions were way more than what they were looking for.

Okay.

Chops wanted to be involved, and that makes me feel happier. I guess I'm just annoyed with the whole "Showtime Polyamory" thing and think any interview worth its salt is going to delve a smidge into the realities of our relationship and how it isn't all unicorn farts and skittles - that there's real work, but it's worth it... but maybe it's just a rah-rah puff piece. With Chops there, and with my answers heard by Xena, I at least feel that my POV won't be misrepresented, if it ever gets discussed.

I am most definitely interested in hearing it when it gets posted online, and I'll toss a link to the board, as well, if it's more than, say, a 10-second acknowledgment that poly exists.

We didn't really have anything else to talk about, so the conversation ended quickly. I spent the rest of the night trolling my DVR for footage of the kids on Monday's Today Show (damned thing ran out of space about 5 minutes before the kids were interviewed - ARGH!). I did manage to find a few seconds of footage where the camera panned past the screaming group of girls, so I pulled that off, trimmed it up on the PC, and shared it with friends.

All in all, not a bad night. Tonight? LAUNDRY! WOO! I am SUCH a badass...
And maybe finding a nearby theater that's showing "The Wind Rises" before they drop it from theaters.

Have a great day, all!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #122  
Old 03-25-2014, 01:15 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 928
Default Podcast has been published

Well, Chops and Xena had their podcast interview yesterday. I haven't listened to it yet (and won't get the chance until after work), but figured I'd post the link. From what I'm told, it was pretty generic and didn't really allow for enough time to explore anything in depth.

Episode is March 24. If you download the MP3, I'm told they come in about halfway through:

http://kcaaradio.celestrion.net/kcaa-podcasts/dream/

Note: I think real names are used. If anyone comments, please use the nicks in the sig. Thanks!

Edited to add: If anyone thinks it's worth posting in the "Press and Media Coverage" topic, please let me know... I planned to wait until I listened to it, since I'll be less inclined to post it if it's too generic to actually say anything.

Edited more to add: Xena has since warned me to take it with a grain of salt - given their audience (it's a swingers' blog), it's got the "poly/swinging is better than monogamy" bent to it. Again, I haven't listened, but figured I'd add the caveat.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 03-25-2014 at 02:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #123  
Old 03-26-2014, 02:16 AM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 928
Default

Oy.

Not sure if I should even listen to the podcast at this rate - I'm feeling EXTREMELY tetchy tonight.

Stumbled upon a repost of an article that Xena made on FB, about the fact that kids today don't get to do what we used to, and how it's regrettable (which I agree with - I loved wandering around in the woods, or just going to friends' houses, knowing I needed to be within earshot of mom, or home when the lights came on).

However, the comments on the article turned into a lot of pontificating by people who don't have kids about how parents are soooo afraid their kids can't handle it nowadays, and they should do this that and the other thing, and I pretty much saw red.

Yeah, I'd like my kids to be able to do what I did, but the system (at least in suburbia) doesn't allow for it. Nobody's home after school to go visit, and god forbid you be the BAD PARENT - the school has more rigid rules (no walking to school if there are no sidewalks, even though you can see the school from your bedroom window), you're really not supposed to leave your kids alone anymore (neglect), etc. The media does a great job of sensationalizing the CPS horror stories, or the "child walking alone gets assaulted" stories, and the atmosphere is now completely different. People are afraid of running afoul of the system and losing their kids if the fuck up (even if it's not reasonable), or just succumb to peer pressure from the other parents, and thus toe the new line.

And while I love discussion and debate like this, Facebook isn't the place for it. People preach to their own choirs with infographics and sound/video bites, and just want to see what they believe. I've only commented once on a political post, and it was because I couldn't take the WRONGNESS of it anymore. So yeah, I got tetchy when a bunch of non-parents pontificated about how people should be raising kids these days.

And here I go, starting up the podcast. Here's hoping it's a snoozer!

Edited to add:
Okay, I'm less tetchy after Xena and I actually had a decent discussion/debate on FB. Some good discourse, some interesting opinions, and yes, some agreement between us. I love discussions like that, and not just the "parents need to raise their kids better" rants coming from people without kids. That stuff drives me mental. Obviously. Wow, was I torqued.

Anyway...
Listening to the podcast. I find it amusing that terminology confusion is everywhere and not just here (what's poly versus swinging?). I dunno that I'd call the Showtime show "swinging" as much as I'd call it "sensationalistic playing to the camera".

And YE GODS are the ads bad!

I did like the observation that, as a hinge, Chops will tend to do things twice - and will experience them differently each time. It's definitely true in general - NYC with Chops was VERY different than NYC with the dance moms, or with my ex, or with my friends, etc. Not much time to get into anything else, but I think it went pretty well.

Okay... less tetchy, pretty positive about the podcast... time to go to bed while it's going well! Nighty-night!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 03-26-2014 at 03:11 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #124  
Old 03-31-2014, 02:50 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 928
Default Buncha random stuff...

Well, let's see...

The Parenting conversation went up and down some more, which was interesting. I still don't like seeing broad, sweeping "parents need to do <x>" comments from people who aren't parents, but at the same time, I do realize that our children DO impact the world around us.

I don't have to own a dog to know I don't like getting bitten by one.

We pretty much agreed on that, and I did manage to get the point across that most parents I know are doing the best with what they have. Many parents just don't have time - as a divorced parent who gets my kids on the weekends, that is something I really don't have much of, but I try to do my best at fostering independence when their dad doesn't even let the 10-year-old brush her own hair or cut her own damned pancakes. Letting them wander all over after school? No. You get called by the police when they find your child wandering without you, and at this point in time, they will have no other kids to wander *with*. Times *are* different, at least in Suburbia, even if we're the ones that have made it that way. While many people will say that we need to change the system, it feels incredibly risky to do so when it's your relationship with your own kids that may be at stake. I'll work within the system instead.

But it's been a few days, and I'm less wound up about it.

Had a great few days' vacation with Chops in the D.C./Alexandria area. Met up with some friends (one friend of his whom he hasn't seen since the late '80s!), got to see Chops get all giddy over airplanes at the newer Air & Space museum, pondered what the punishment would be if he hopped the rail to hug the SR-71 while I jumped the rail to hug Shuttle Discovery ("Hey, we can get kicked out together!"), and then decided against it.

Had some great food, stumbled onto a hookah place showing Lebanese music videos, did the "super-quick" tour of the Botanical Gardens after arriving 5 minutes before closing (oops), and then rented bikes to go see the memorials and monuments. After an initial "STOP THIS CRAZY THING!" moment, I got my bike legs back and had a good time.

The long drives? Not so fun, especially in the rain, but it was a great trip overall, so yay that.

Other randomness and stuff coming up:

Chops' friend in DC asked a few questions about the relationship and said how wonderful it was that we were all so amazingly cool about it with no issues, and I had to laugh a bit and say that well, no - I have my own issues, but we usually talk it over and get it out of the way. She asked for an email thread among herself, Chops, me, and Xena, just to chitchat outside of Facebook. So far it's been her and Xena with a buttload of emails back and forth, since they both have a lot of free time during the day. At this point, I feel like I'm watching a wind-and-go mouse, and I'll catch up with it after it stops a bit.

Back to the normal 2-days-north/2-days-south schedule after today, and I find myself getting apprehensive over Friday night... Chops is heading to an event with Noa, probably won't be home until 11:30pm or so (if that), and may have to leave early Saturday to pick up his daughter. I was hoping to get some time with him in the morning, to make up for the fact that it's not much of a night together, but I have no idea how that's going to work out. I could ask to swap the day, so he's south and therefore doesn't have the drive times involved (he could have more time at home), but it's probably best if I work through this...

A half-time schedule with Chops is the bare minimum of what I thought I could handle, as a partner. I really don't understand why he'd want to be out late, sleep at home with me, then leave early in the morning again - it's not really spending time together if we're asleep for 98% of it... at least to me. It feels like a loss of a day with him. However, I need to suck this up and see how it feels. The fact that I'm already apprehensive about it makes me worry that I'm going to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy, so I need to try to let this go and deal with it as it happens. Otherwise, I go down the negative-thinking rathole of "if he wants to spend time with me - if I'm THAT important to him, then why does he now choose to even spend MORE time away? Isn't 50% time enough?"

But he's split it 50/50 between me and Xena, so if he needs time for himself, then it does come out of our calendar banks. Maybe we need to reexamine the calendar and figure this out a bit better. Add in some "Chops" days, and he sleeps where he sleeps those nights (although I'd like some advance warning so I don't come downstairs with a baseball bat in the middle of the night). I'm a planner. He's a leaf on the wind. He's gonna LOVE this idea.

My concern is that, at less than 50% on paper, I'm going to feel it's not enough. I'm going to SEE it's not enough (which may be the correct thing to do if I'm holding on to this holy grail of "50%" and getting tetchy whenever it seems that gets perturbed).

But first things first, o worrier - deal with Friday as it comes. I have NO idea how to be zen about that - I've never been zen about anything else in my life, EVER, so that'll be an exercise. My kids have activities this weekend, so maybe distracting myself with that will help... who knows.

Bah. Worry sucks balls. I just can't seem to stop looking ahead and wondering about it all.

Edited to add that Saturday morning is a non-issue at this point - my oldest daughter's dance competition goes from 7am to 11:30pm, meaning I don't get much time with my youngest daughter either... Uuuuuuuugh...
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 03-31-2014 at 03:09 PM. Reason: I really, really hate dance - good thing my kid loves it so much...
Reply With Quote
  #125  
Old 04-03-2014, 02:23 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,419
Default

Hmmm... If you and Chops lived together monogamously, I am sure there would be times he would need to be away from you, like visiting family on his own or some kind of business-oriented trip. If that were the case, it would be very unlikely that your thoughts would center on how little time you'd be getting with him. Sure, you might miss him, but you probably wouldn't feel so deprived.

Even though he does spend a fair amount of time away from you, and you can be in touch with him when he's with Xena (he's not completely out of reach), it seems there is something that really bothers you when you know it's "supposed to be" time with you and that doesn't happen, or is shortened. This is a recurring theme for you - I wonder why this issue of how he spends time always gets you so stirred up. I mean, I know you've said your primary love language is Quality Time, but could it also be that you compare how much time Xena gets and want to keep things divvied up equally or you feel like she "wins?" If he takes time normally scheduled for you and spends it elsewhere, does that get made up somehow, like starting the two days over the next day instead of counting it as a loss?

Maybe you guys do need to rethink how he splits his time. Maybe he could do three days with each of you and have one day a week that is a wildcard day he could spend elsewhere or toss a coin, whatever.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #126  
Old 04-03-2014, 03:46 AM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 928
Default

Hi NYC,

Apologies in advance for rambling... it's almost midnight, I just had a BLAST at a fused glass intro class I found on meetup.com, and I'm typing this quickly over a beer before I head to bed. I'm such a crazy woman...

I'm not quite sure what the issue is - only that when the schedule starts to get perturbed, my first, knee-jerk reaction is to hoard the time I have. It's not specific to Xena or Noa - it also happened when he was planning to get together with his friends to jam on Tuesday nights.

My initial thought, if he's going to be out until 10pm down south, then coming up north (arriving at about 11:30pm) is that if we can't see each other (if I'm asleep), then why bother? Why not stay south, not drive when he's tired, and figure something else out. His answer: because he wants to come home (here), which I get, but it's like there's some part of me that doesn't believe it's worth it if we get maybe 1/2 hour to connect and then he leaves early for work the next morning.

THEN the brain starts going down the path of "how often is this going to happen?" and pretty soon, I've got the negative thoughts spiraling down the toilet.

I do know that I need time to process it all and deal with the knee-jerk emotions. Last time, I spouted it all out loud as I was feeling it (he asked), which didn't help matters. My emotions were all over the map, and he ended up feeling a bit resentful, wondering if it was going to be like that every time he wanted to do something for himself.

This time, I got it out here without spouting off too much verbally, which helps.

Also, I didn't really get into it too deeply with Chops. I told him it's difficult, but that I need to work through it. For his part, he agreed to let me work through it and not try to do something to fix it for me (as in, not go - which would then lead to resentment). I think it's the best we can do until we see how it feels.

I'm not a fan of my time-hoarding response. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm worried about losing time with him, to the point where it just doesn't feel like he's my partner anymore. I'm looking for intermingled lives here, at least as much as possible, given that the kids aren't looking for a stepparent (and he wants the same thing I do), but it just barely feels like that at times. And the big time-suck isn't Xena. It isn't Noa. It's the distance, plain and simple... and that sucks because neither of us can do anything about it for a few years.

And after re-reading that, it still sounds like I'm looking for the "what if" and not the "what is". This isn't a mono relationship and I can't fit it in a mono-shaped shoebox to make it kind of look like one if you squint carefully. I really think I just need to quit worrying about the relationship not fitting some perfect mold of what I'd like it to be (or worrying that it's going to deteriorate into something "casual" if I let go of that perfect model) and just try to enjoy what it is, since our relationship is really very good.

As for maybe making it three days, he and I have talked about that in the past and he's not comfortable with that. He feels more than two days apart from either of us is too long. I do agree that the 2 days north / 2 days south schedule does work well when it's consistent. I just really need to work on dealing with the inconsistencies better if I'm going to keep my sanity (and he, his) through all this.

At any rate, I'm actually feeling better about Friday. Not really sure why, to be honest. Noa sent me a really sweet message on FB the other day, and that might be part of it... I guess she and her husband opened their marriage about a year ago, and this is HER first foray into dating. Really sounds like she needed someone to be with her on her birthday (not sure why her hubby wasn't going to be around), and she's over the moon about being able to go out with Chops Friday.

I'm definitely happy to be getting to know her better - we're both kind of dorky, so we mesh pretty well. Still, I don't think the message was the only reason behind my being a bit calmer about Friday. I've got my own stuff going on this weekend, and I've got to get my daughter ready for her dance competition on Saturday, so it's not like Chops and I would have been able to have much in the way of "quality time" together, anyway.

Regardless - if it's the realization that Friday is going to be a zoo anyway, or the fact that Noa has someone to spend her birthday with, or a combination of the two, or even something else (oh yeah - it's Shark Week too), I'm still feeling much calmer about the whole shebang.

Go figure...

Thanks for the input, NYC - I appreciate it.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #127  
Old 04-03-2014, 10:25 AM
RiverRose's Avatar
RiverRose RiverRose is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: South Wales
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
However, the comments on the article turned into a lot of pontificating by people who don't have kids about how parents are soooo afraid their kids can't handle it nowadays, and they should do this that and the other thing, and I pretty much saw red.

Yeah, I'd like my kids to be able to do what I did, but the system (at least in suburbia) doesn't allow for it. Nobody's home after school to go visit, and god forbid you be the BAD PARENT - the school has more rigid rules (no walking to school if there are no sidewalks, even though you can see the school from your bedroom window), you're really not supposed to leave your kids alone anymore (neglect), etc. The media does a great job of sensationalizing the CPS horror stories, or the "child walking alone gets assaulted" stories, and the atmosphere is now completely different. People are afraid of running afoul of the system and losing their kids if the fuck up (even if it's not reasonable), or just succumb to peer pressure from the other parents, and thus toe the new line.

And while I love discussion and debate like this, Facebook isn't the place for it. People preach to their own choirs with infographics and sound/video bites, and just want to see what they believe. I've only commented once on a political post, and it was because I couldn't take the WRONGNESS of it anymore. So yeah, I got tetchy when a bunch of non-parents pontificated about how people should be raising kids these days.

And here I go, starting up the podcast. Here's hoping it's a snoozer!

Edited to add:
Okay, I'm less tetchy after Xena and I actually had a decent discussion/debate on FB. Some good discourse, some interesting opinions, and yes, some agreement between us. I love discussions like that, and not just the "parents need to raise their kids better" rants coming from people without kids. That stuff drives me mental. Obviously. Wow, was I torqued.
Yeah, that kind of thing annoys me too. Prior to having a sticky- faced and fingered menace of my own, I would sometimes see parents who were just downright lazy or dragging their babies around like fashion accessories, but mostly I thought parents were saints and wondered how on earth they managed.

We have similar problems with our media, in that only very bad stories about child protection services get reported. This means that the concensus among UK parents is that they will use any little excuse to accuse you of child abuse and take your children away from you. It's the main reason for my occasional poly wobble. Although my rational side says that surely my lovelife is none of their business as long as I am doing everything to make sure that my son is safe and loved.

But yeah, totally relate to you on the above point that you made.

RiverRose
Reply With Quote
  #128  
Old 04-03-2014, 09:08 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 928
Default Quick Placeholder... Will edit later

Just a quick placeholder for now, since I don't really have much time...

Copperhead wrote this in one of his recent blog posts, and it really hit home:
Quote:
7. If I'm not in touch with my friends I stop feeling the friendship.
Except, for me, I'm fine with dropping out of touch with friends. I can pick right back up where I left off. With romantic relationships, however? When Chops and I are apart, and we don't have a lot of contact, I feel the relationship lose intensity. I need to reconnect.

There's something in here related to the whole time thing, and there's more I thought about after sleeping on it last night, but that's going to have to wait until I have more time of my own. Good observation of Copperhead's, though - definitely gave me some food for thought.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #129  
Old 04-15-2014, 12:45 AM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 928
Default Struggling...

Well, things are up and down... at least in my head. Oy.

The time thing is improving, but slowly.
When we started the two-days-here-two-days-there routine, it was pretty early on in our relationship, and right after Chops' trip to move Xena cross-country. I felt abandoned, and I felt the need for some stability. The schedule gave me something tangible to count on, or at least move toward (at the time, I wasn't comfortable having Chops spend the night when the kids were there, so it wasn't really going to be half-time for a while after that). I expected to be able to work toward spending half-time with him, and that once we got there, things would feel better.

Except, the logical fallacy was thinking that a schedule carved out between two people (me and Xena), that didn't have personal time built in, could ever actually BE half-time. My thought was that half-time was my limit - that I couldn't actually feel like he was a partner on anything less. But scheduling it that way meant that half-time was the MOST he could give me. Reality being what it is, it doesn't always work out as designed.

Oops.

So, a decision made during a time of emotional upheaval wasn't the most logically sound. Who knew?

Anyway... I know I've said this before, but the distance really doesn't help, and we still do have a ways to go... just a bit more slowly this time. Once the kids grow up, I could potentially move closer. Who knows. But things may change over the years. It does mean, though, that I will feel unsettled from time to time, and we're going to have to deal with it when it does. Yay us.

My feelings about Xena are tanking, though, and I'm really not sure what to do about this. I have to wonder if I'm making mountains out of molehills, so any advice is welcome (and encouraged).

The Facebook thing is driving me bonkers. Yeah, I know. It's Facebook. It's not the most important thing in the world. Yup. Got it. But at this point, I'm thinking of blocking her, and I know THAT brings a whole lot of questions from other people, which I'd also rather avoid.

The personality differences will always be there. I see her friending all his friends, commenting on all their comments, and I think "overbearing and creepy" - I'd HATE (hate hate hate) it if someone I were dating went and friended all my friends on FB just because. Maybe I'm seeing it through overly territorial eyes, and I'm projecting that onto her. But ecch.

Still, though... it's aggravating, but it's not the straw that broke the camel's back.

Chops' son (Choplet? Kinda funny since he's as tall as his dad, and is 21 at this point, so I'm keeping the name) posted something on facebook about his truck. After a couple of Xena's comments, it devolved into sexual innuendo about Chops keeping her satisfied, and I was just DONE.

I know that she and I are different - she's much freer about her sexuality and what she posts on FB about it, etc. Her relationship with Choplet is different from mine, as she's more of a friend and I feel kind of a stepparent thing (to an extent). I know I am judging this based on what *I* feel is appropriate or not, but I also just don't want to see what goes on in their bedroom. I'm not a cuckquean, I don't get excited by their relationship... I have no desire to know details. And on a public status, that just crossed a line for me.

So... I feel intolerant, judgmental, and bitchy. But I also feel like as much as I'm trying to "leave the room" (so to speak) and not see things I don't want to see, they keep popping out where I least expect them.

I don't expect her to change her behavior, nor do I want to ask, so what do I do? Unfriend her? Block her entirely so I don't see these things? Then I'll have friends and family asking what happened, and thinking that the beginning of the end is nigh... Ugh.

So... I'll bring it up at the next talk and see what happens. Can't wait for that one.

Bitchy feelings are compounded by my ex being a jerk to my youngest daughter last night as well... I am SO not charitable at the moment.

Anyhoo... Blustery as hell tonight. I hope the deck furniture stays on the deck. Swing is already toppled, and I plan to leave it there until the wind dies down. Wheeeeee...

Oh... And I got to ride on Chops' motorcycle. THAT was nice. Hoping the weather holds out Wednesday, so we can get a ride in after work. Fingers crossed...
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 04-15-2014 at 12:48 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #130  
Old 04-15-2014, 03:15 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,347
Default

Block her on FB. If it is driving you that batty, remove the irritation. Tell Chops and Xena why - too much info you'd rather not know - and leave it at that. Ditto with other nosy Parker's on FB. You may find people notice less than you might think.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
divorce, family, metamour, mono/poiy, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:49 AM.