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  #1  
Old 03-21-2016, 09:18 AM
2muchlove 2muchlove is offline
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Default 2much's possible journey into fraternal polyandry

From my introductory post I learnt that fraternal polyandry seems to be a step too far even for polys! But, it is a 'thing' and although it seems rare and even rarer for it to work, my situation hasn't changed so I'm carefully picking my way down that rocky ravine anyway...

I don't know if I 'qualify' as poly - I know that when I was growing up I never pictured myself with just one man, ideally I'd have two and I literally had lovely cosy dreams at night of being in bed cuddled up to two men lol When I actually started 'dating' I felt I had to play by the rules though, so I kept all my relationships strictly casual so it was fine that they 'overlapped' sometimes. Then I got into serous relationships and settled down to being mono fairly happily - I've never cheated, I never could, I know for a fact I could not enjoy sex in those circumstances.

So I met my husband (The Scientist) and he is perfect for me and I would be 100% happy with just us two forever. What makes me think I'm poly rather than a disgusting greedy person is that I feel like most people see love as like a cake, just one cake, and in order to love another you'd have to cut a slice of it out, meaning the original person has less. I don't feel that way about my husband, I feel like our love is encased in an inpenetrable steel ball and anything else that happens happens outside that ball, which will never be cut into, carved up etc.

So, husband has a brother (The Mechanic) as I said in my introductory post, and we all work together on our joint business and live very close to each other. The Mechanic doesn't have a partner and as far as I or The Scientist know, never has. He's in his 40s and I think is a virgin. It's fairly common knowledge amongst his intimates that this isn't of his choosing. He has tried with women, but they cannot see past his shyness. I spent 6yrs trying to find someone for him myself, but was shocked at how shallow people could be and fell out with friends over it - not just being shallow, but so rude and dismissive with it. The truth is that when you get past the chronic initial shyness, he's incredibly intelligent, witty, genuine and kind.

So, I got to thinking that I would have him, no problem, if I were single. I'm not of course, but is that so much of a barrier in our situation? We operate as a great, functional threesome already, The Mechanic dotes on our daughter. The only thing that's missing is sex and affection for The Mechanic, which I am happy to give. Obviously though, my priority is my husband and as such NOTHING has ever happened between me and The Mechanic, we don't even hug. I would proceed no further without The Scientist's full knowledge and consent.

I know he's a relaxed guy with a live-and-let-live attitude: he will defend poly in a debate. But he's pretty old fashioned/conservative with regards to how he lives his own life. He's open minded in the bedroom, but only between us; he's said no to threesomes of any kind. Although I'd love to try a MFM threesome, I'm not after that here, I'm happy to keep the sex separate in this case! He has joked in the past about leaving me to his brother in his will. I just wonder if, given how close they are and how you want people you love that much to be happy, and given we all almost live and work together and WORK together as it is, can we overcome any kind of possessiveness or jealousy?

It's a big risk though, every inch of our lives is at stake! So I'm treading very, very carefully. Obviously, assuming The Scientist gave his consent I still don't know if The Mechanic would even fancy me! So it's all a long way off, but at this point a fidelitous V is my goal.
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  #2  
Old 03-27-2016, 05:44 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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From what I've read on other threads, you seem a little worried that people will think you're a freak for loving two brothers. You already seem aware of the issues that getting involved with your brother-in-law could cause, since your lives are already so intwined. So I'm not going to address that. I just thought you might want to know that at least one person on the board doesnít judge you or think you're wrong for thinking about expanding your love for your brother-in-law to include more.

This isn't a situation I would find myself in, not because I think it's wrong, but because I don't really like my husband's two brothers and would never want to be involved with them more than superficially, because of the people they are. One of his brothers is married and when we told him that we were poly (we were monogamous for 17 years before opening up), he said "oh, yeah, I've done that. I've had girlfriends, but mostly just to punish my wife when she wasn't doing what I wanted her to." I think this brother is manipulative, childish, self centered, and at the very least, borderline abusive. His other brother has extremely low self-esteem, severe social anxiety, issues with personal hygiene, and tries to hard to be something he's not (he seems to think of himself as a white rapper/gangster, based on how he talks with my husband). All of us, including our young adult sons, wonder how my husband turned out so completely different than everyone else in his family (his parents are also quirky, to say the least). So it's definitely a personality thing here, not a moral or ethical judgment. I also wouldn't get involved with either of my sisters' husbands, because I'm just not attracted to them, though I do like them better than my husband's brothers.

I hope, regardless of how the venture into poly goes, that you are able to maintain the close family you all have already created.
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  #3  
Old 03-27-2016, 06:02 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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2muchlove, how do you envision talking to your husband about it? I would think you could bring up the topic of polyamory and begin a general discussion of it, saying that it appeals to you, without yet saying it's his brother you're interested in.

Or, next time husband says he will leave his brother to you in his Will, you could say, "How about giving him to me right now?" Heh.
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  #4  
Old 04-06-2016, 06:25 PM
2muchlove 2muchlove is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
2muchlove, how do you envision talking to your husband about it? I would think you could bring up the topic of polyamory and begin a general discussion of it, saying that it appeals to you, without yet saying it's his brother you're interested in.

Or, next time husband says he will leave his brother to you in his Will, you could say, "How about giving him to me right now?" Heh.
One option is to wait til Mechanic's birthday in autumn and when we are discussing a present, jokingly offer myself

I am treading carefully with using poly as a talking point as some kind of preparation; we've discussed it in the past and I know he has no fundamental disagreement with it and we've watched a couple of documentaries with very little being said. I'm worried that, because he's a clever guy, if I go heavy on the 'let's talk about poly again!' he will work out that I'm manipulating him, kind of doing a PR campaign and I don't think he'd like that.

What I need to do is find the right words that let my husband know that none of this affects my feelings for him in any way, that this isn't some kind of lack in him, he's my soulmate, end of story. And that I hope what I'm about to say won't ruin that...
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  #5  
Old 04-11-2016, 06:00 PM
2muchlove 2muchlove is offline
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Today The Scientist said it would be really handy for me to have a 2nd husband, one who was good at DIY. We then listed all the other reasons it'd be a great idea. It was a joke, but I was quick to signal I was fine with the joke!

I feel like this might be the perfect opportunity to broach the subject tonight while it's fresh - The Mechanic is good at DIY

"Hey wouldn't it be simple and easy if The Mechanic was my 2nd husband; he's good at DIY" Then if he turns green I can laugh it off
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  #6  
Old 04-12-2016, 11:39 AM
2muchlove 2muchlove is offline
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I *nearly* chickened out, but just as we were going off to sleep I bit the bullet

"Hey."
"Mm?"
"I thought of the perfect 2nd husband!"
"Go on..."
"The Mechanic! (he bursts out laughing) ...He's good at DIY!"
"Haha yeah."
"Just think of the leverage I'd have aswell with a judicious blowjob "
"LOL, well, I'm glad you've been thinking on it!"

Then he fell asleep.

That wasn't too bad.
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  #7  
Old 04-13-2016, 05:55 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Good first step in throwing the topic out there! And "glad you were thinking about it" is a good sign.

Baby steps...

Did he remember the conversation when he woke up the next morning, I wonder?
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  #8  
Old 04-13-2016, 06:38 PM
2muchlove 2muchlove is offline
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He seems to have done, he's brought it up a couple of times today, again joking. No specific references to the Mechanic but I'm obviously not going to push that too hard for now. I might try to take a more serious turn and ask if he really would be open to the idea of a 'second husband'....
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  #9  
Old 04-13-2016, 06:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Sounds good! Maybe he's bringing it up to test you and see how you'd react, just like you are with him. Why not ask him if he'd want a second wife.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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  #10  
Old 04-15-2016, 10:37 AM
2muchlove 2muchlove is offline
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Yes 2nd wife came up aswell, at one point he referred to me as 'the current wife' and I said 'hey! I don't mind a second wife but I thought I was staying, I didn't know you meant second wife as in, replacing me!' So he should be pretty clear on my thoughts!

That said, I'm nervous of the concept of a 2nd wife, I know it has to be fair, but another woman would be an unknown quantity: the Mechanic is already part of our happy band of three! But, I'm open minded.
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