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  #1  
Old 07-19-2013, 08:35 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Unhappy Confusing Start - 1 week

So, I had my first date last night, dinner and a movie, with a single guy that both my husband and I have been friends with for about a year. He knows us both separately, and as a couple. I thought it went really well, as we were both really flirty and I thought we had great chemistry.

He called me today, saying that while he liked me a lot, he was feeling extremely conflicted, thinking he was going to be the cause of a divorce, ruining my marriage, etc.

We have had this same conversation 3 times now. The first time was when I outed myself as poly to him, and told him I was interested in dating him. He was very excited and seemed into me. This was about a week ago. The next day, I got a phone call telling me he had changed his mind because he didn't want to ruin his friendship with my husband. I followed up with an email, explaining poly to him more and giving him links to read. He responded saying, he still couldn't view me as available, and that he was really wanting a mono relationship. (He's been single for many years and has not dated in like 20 years.)

I told him that if he really wanted a mono relationship, that was perfectly fine with me and we'd just stay friends and thought that would be it.

On Wednesday, we all 3 attended a group event and he seriously spent the entire 3 hours flirting with me nonstop. My husband pulled him aside to talk to him in person about halfway through to tell him that he was cool with everything - that I was available and everything was great.

The following day - yesterday - I had lots of flirty emails and then we had our date. He didn't try to kiss me or hold my hand or anything, but I felt like he was really into me.

And then this angst-filled phone call this afternoon about how he had become one of "those guys" and he couldn't ever see himself sleeping with me because he'd hate himself.

Sigh. So I told him I wasn't planning on sleeping with him anytime soon (though I wouldnt turn him down if he were less conflicted right now) because I wanted a relationship first. Baby steps. I told him 6 months of hand-holding, if that's what it took. How can I help him work through his hangups? He suggested that he would feel better if we spent more time together as a 3, so I told him ok with that. (We are angling not as a triad, but polyfi.)

I really do dig him and I am ok with taking time, but is there something else I should be saying? Shouldn't be saying?
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  #2  
Old 07-19-2013, 08:45 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
He called me today, saying that while he liked me a lot, he was feeling extremely conflicted, ....We have had this same conversation 3 times now.... he still couldn't view me as available...he was really wanting a mono relationship. ... he couldn't ever see himself sleeping with me because he'd hate himself.

How can I help him work through his hangups?

I really do dig him and I am ok with taking time, but is there something else I should be saying? Shouldn't be saying?
He's conflicted. He wants someone who is fully available. He wants a mono relationship. He's not comfortable being involved with a married woman.

I would suggest looking elsewhere for a boyfriend who is okay with dating a married woman, who is not looking for a monogamous relationship.

And I would suggest respecting his views and feelings rather than dismiss them as hangups. There are some very real issues with dating a married person. There are reasons to be reluctant to do so, regardless of how attracted he is to you.
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Old 07-19-2013, 08:55 PM
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Well, I do respect him, and his views. I used hangups as a catch-all word. I mean, all of these issues.

I initially backed off and told him I was fine with not dating. Then he came on strong again. I like him a lot, and have no desire to damage his self-world-view permanently. If there is something I can do to help him be ok with this - other than time and baby steps, I'd like to know. I just don't want to be in this weird limbo of yes-then-no-then-yes.
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Old 07-20-2013, 02:03 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Dick says yes , brain says no.

He'll fuck you, he'll even cheat with you, but he sees you as "another man's wife", someone else's property, not a candidate for a serious relationship. This is the type of man who would fuck his wife senseless until she has a baby, then won't touch her becsuse "you dont have sex with mommy", but will sit still for the crack whore to finish the $12 beej.
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Old 07-20-2013, 02:53 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Wow.. That's some serious bitterness.

I would go with the second poster. Not everyone is cut out for this. On paper it's easier to say yes but the conflict in the head can be brutal. He may need time to figure it out and he may never figure it out.

And yes I agree with one thing boring guy says.. Dick says yes brain says no. Fucking is easy love isn't especially when you have a mono brain. It doesn't even seem to fit since he couldn't even just fuck. He seems like a good guy who has realized before getting involved that he may not be able to handle it. Good for him. Too many stories start with someone trying to bring in a mono person and it going badly. His forethought may have nipped that in the budd

Last edited by Ariakas; 07-20-2013 at 02:58 PM.
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Old 07-20-2013, 03:21 PM
london london is offline
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Why not date POLY people who aren't friends with your husband? Why do people want to risk these complicated, awkward situations?
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Old 07-20-2013, 05:06 PM
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Why not date POLY people who aren't friends with your husband? Why do people want to risk these complicated, awkward situations?
I think that this is an excellent point.

My girlfriend tells me that she was 100% lesbian until the point where we started dating. She has only ever had 2 relationships at a time - one with me, and the other with a girl. When I met her girlfriend, I was so relieved to see that she has absolutely no interest in men. Even if there was any chemistry between me and her I would never wish to start a relationship - I can't image what situation I'd be putting my sweetheart in if I ever had an argument with her girlfriend as a "lover" besides, it's bad enough that they beat the crap out of me every time I wrestle them
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Old 07-20-2013, 07:54 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Wow.. That's some serious bitterness.

I would go with the second poster. Not everyone is cut out for this. On paper it's easier to say yes but the conflict in the head can be brutal. He may need time to figure it out and he may never figure it out.

And yes I agree with one thing boring guy says.. Dick says yes brain says no. Fucking is easy love isn't especially when you have a mono brain. It doesn't even seem to fit since he couldn't even just fuck. He seems like a good guy who has realized before getting involved that he may not be able to handle it. Good for him. Too many stories start with someone trying to bring in a mono person and it going badly. His forethought may have nipped that in the budd
I'd say it's heart says yes, brain says no. I feel much the same as this guy. I enjoy BF's company very much. I love spending time with him. But I think, on a logical, intellectual plane, it's a very bad idea to be involved with him, since there will always be a limit. I think it's quite natural to eventually want more with a person with whom you're in a relationship...to eventually want to meet family, marriage, support each other in finances, careers, buying a house together, being there first thing in the morning and last thing at night, planning a life together.

What happens when someone experiences those natural desires for the relationship to continuing moving toward those things? They get called a cowboy/cowgirl, as if they're bad people. They themselves hurt.

Some poly people do find a way to have all of that (except marriage) with two people...but it's significantly less likely when dating someone who is already married. And I think it's quite reasonable for a person to not want such a lifestyle, anyway, for many reasons.

My guess is that the boyfriend here is attracted to her, enjoys her company, wants to be with her...yet aware of the problems. Heart vs. head. It's like dangling candy in front of a diabetic. They want it but know it's not a good idea. They convince themselves just one piece, then say no, then say yes....
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Old 07-21-2013, 12:06 AM
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Some poly people do find a way to have all of that (except marriage) with two people...but it's significantly less likely when dating someone who is already married.
I think that this is a very reasonable argument.

Personally, if I were to start a second relationship, it would have to be with somebody who is attached and who would see me as a "secondary" love. After all, since I already have a relationship and I consider my girlfriend to be my primary love, then it wouldn't be fair on my new lover if she were to see me as her primary. The dynamics of such a relationship wouldn't be balanced, but I can accept and understand that for some people it does work.

My girlfriend's girlfriend is like a sister to me; I give the two love birds a lot of time and space together. I only ever had one other relationship whilst being with my girlfriend - it was with an attached lady who saw me as her secondary love. It was beautiful and we had amazing chemistry together.
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Old 07-21-2013, 12:40 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Bluebird, I think you handled it very well. Obviously, poly is something completely new to him. And, not having dated for 20 years, he's not used to dating in general (is that due to a long-term marriage?), so he's like a fish out of water - he's hot for you but doesn't know what the fuck to do about it! Dating you is an option he never thought possible! Not only does he want to respect you AND your husband, he probably wants to know your husband won't come knocking on his door ready to beat the shit out of him, LOL.

Just because he's not familiar with poly doesn't mean he will never be able to embrace it. People who say, "don't date mono people, only date poly people" seem to forget that plenty of people have always been mono simply because they never knew poly was an option. Sometimes all they need is a little enlightenment and encouragement, and they're on board. It seems he's tempted, and somewhat open to it, but he just wants to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone. Sounds like a sweetie.

So, I think it's great that he wants to socialize with the three of you together and get used to the dynamic you and your hubs have. Although your husband pulled him aside and reassured him, he really wants to be sure it's okay. Let him see that you've got something good with your hubs and nothing will wreck it. I can't think of anything specific you can say to him that you haven't already, but if he interacts with both of you (invite him to dinner, or bring him to a local poly group, or whatever), maybe you can initiate a discussion all three of you together and see if he has any questions.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-21-2013 at 12:49 AM.
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