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  #51  
Old 11-09-2013, 05:29 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Feeling the limits of blogging as any way to convey the stories of my life.

I struggle to get a grip on the main points - who had sex with who? How am I travelling through life, with which companions, in what ways?

The second seems more important for this forum. But then, there's so much of it!

I renamed my blog "friends and lovers" but these days I've been thinking more about family, the people who are familiar to hold, the communities we create.

I've also been wondering about sex and intimacy, what it means to me, what I like, what I am open to trying. I don't mean sexual acts, but sexual connections with people.

Djuna's here visiting me. We just got back from a ten-day camping trip, which Ocean also came along for. Things with her are physically fraught, and it seems to stem from a language(?) disconnect. I don't know I don't know... I like her as a person, but I feel we're somehow in the wrong shape to flourish as a relationship. There's something going on in terms of mismatched expectations, I think? Not sure. I wish I knew what breaking up was, in this context. I get the feeling it would release something.

Anyway, she's here for three more days and we're now going to have some decent time just the two of us, so we'll see.

I feel like fucking would help us connect, and make sense of how we relate (maybe) or ease... the communication. Yeah. It would ease things. But I'm retiscent about going there. I don't feel in the mood. I'm not sure if I want to use the love drug with her. Why? I have no idea. How does this shit work?

Hmm.

In my other nebulous relationship (with Lobe) - I made a spontaneous trip up to see him, before camping. I really didn't want to take the stress of that with me on holiday. Seeing him, holding him, and talking helped a lot. Trying to resolve where we stood with each other long distance, long distance, was a bit crazy. To summarise: He doesn't like the thought of missing me, doesn't want to become unhappy. He'd take the sex without the intimacy/desire to grow together if he could. I'm not sure I want that. Also, I think he'd rather have both if we could make it work. But he's not sure if it will work and he's not sure how much he's willing to try. We're going to "see how it goes"... *grin*

I don't think I could do long-distance without any forseeable end. I want to live with Lobe, make house with him. It's impractical, but... I'd like to aim for it if we can? If we both want it?

I feel I'm ready to bed down and make a neighbourhood garden.

Soon.

One more bit of travel - with Ocean, to the city we grew up in. Then back here, starting my new job. The next phase.

Funny side story - Djuna, Grotto and I went to a gig (before camping), and Plinth joined us there. Djuna and Plinth hit it off pretty well, and the three of them ended up rolling back to Grotto's. At the time I was a bit caught up in the headspace of sorting shit out with Lobe. Also, things were already kind of weird between Djuna and me, in terms of touch and expectations, and I didn't feel like joining in. But I was very very happy that they had fun - felt it took the pressure off me too! Was also nice to feel dispensable, instead of being a crucial hub. I took my leave of them, and headed back home, gave Ocean a cuddle, and then made the spontaneous decision to fly up to see Lobe the first flight of the morning.

I like the idea of everyone doing what they want to / need to do.
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  #52  
Old 11-11-2013, 03:01 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Sometimes I want your life.

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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #53  
Old 11-21-2013, 11:17 PM
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nycindie - That's a grand compliment! Thanks. Life has been good to me, I think, but I've also been unafraid to grab it.

Grotto and I are making a belated birthday surprise for Plinth today. An elaborate fancy dinner, with a bit of theatrics. The two of us will do the cooking, and Ocean will be a dinner guest. I'm excited! Lots to be done in prep. Yay for not working on Fridays.

Lobe is overseas for a family occasion. Gets back to the country in a few days, then I see him next weekend (I'm flying up).

Much more I could write, but I've got chores! FUN

If I get around to assembling the costume I'm thinking of, it could be a very naughty night indeed. Ok, to be honest, it's going to be naughty by the end anyway, given the personnel (Grotto, Plinth...)

Ocean said that he'll slip away if (if! ha) things get too mischievous. I clarified with him that he wouldn't be annoyed by this. He said, no, he thinks dinner will be fun and he'll hang around for as long as he feels like. It's great that I can take him at face value.
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  #54  
Old 11-23-2013, 08:29 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Total. Success.

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  #55  
Old 11-24-2013, 01:07 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Default "Baby steps" :)

A long while back, I'd been discussing with Ocean and Grotto the idea of blogging our stories together on here. As part of that conversation, we floated the idea of what we'd call the blog. "Baby steps" was one suggestion, as it had been a bit of a refrain at the start of the experiment. Take it slowly, see what comes, don't fret about the leg jitters, see if we can walk eventually, eventually run...

Ocean said the only problem with that title is it sounds like it's about our journey to having kids together (which it wasn't, at least not specifically at that point).

Funny thing is, babies are definitely a theme at the moment.

I know it's something that will change your life. It's one of the most foolish things you could do, right?

And yet, I'm open. Deal me in.
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  #56  
Old 11-24-2013, 01:46 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
I know it's something that will change your life. It's one of the most foolish things you could do, right?
.
Life changing, yes. Foolish, no. Just recognize that a lot of it may be really challenging. I was going to say "be prepared" but I'm not sure that's actually possible.

Having kids prompted a lot of changes in my life and in me. There've been plenty of rocky spots along the road, but I've never regretted the choice.

How exciting for you that it's feeling like a positive option!
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  #57  
Old 11-29-2013, 12:49 AM
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Thanks for sharing your perspective, wildflower. I haven't connected with many people on this forum who have decided to open up their lives to raising children, so it's really good to hear from you.

No doubt I'll be sharing that storyline on here as time goes on

One somewhat unrelated thing on my mind at the moment is not exactly new, and I've shared aspects of it from time to time on this blog. But, ah, that's a refrain for you. It keeps coming back.

Ocean has no sexual libido at the moment. Like, zero. We were shifting things in the house around (since I've moved back in) and he said "shouldn't we put the condoms somewhere near the bed?" and my first thought was "really? why? Not like we're going to use them." It's not an angry attitude on my part. Just, aware of the reality. I've (mostly) made peace with it.

Ocean is comfortable in not wanting to be sexual. The thought of sex bores him. He's happy that I have other people I can be sexual with, so I don't bother him. All good, right?

The tricky aspect for me is the fact that he's admitted that it is possible that he'd feel pressure to make more of an effort to be sexual with me, if I did not have other sexual partners. Not that this pressure is a good thing. Maybe it's simply good, without qualifications, that we don't have this twisted sex life where he feels obliged to behave sexually with me because we are sexually monogamous. I'd like to believe that is true. And I almost am convinced of it. But part of me is not sure!

I really miss sex with Ocean. I miss sex with him. He knows this, but he feels like it's not that big a problem. Cos we're close (very close) in other ways. And he's correct, I don't feel a lack of love or intimacy or closeness. But I do feel a niggle. Quite possibly it's something I need to get rid of within myself (the niggle). I mean, much as I'd love if he would prioritise the sexual aspect of our relationship, I do need to understand it's his right not to. And at this stage, it's not something I need, though it is something that I want.

On the other hand, I fear that me establishing a status quo where I have sex with other people, and not Ocean, will mean that he has no impetus for changing. And maybe I will become fully comfortable with this situation... which would possibly mean a continuing non-sexual relationship.

Which begs the question: why is it a problem? Why is not having sex really a problem?
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  #58  
Old 11-29-2013, 01:12 AM
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Arrived to visit Lobe last night. Gonna be here for three more nights. His brother is here too, and Lobe and I were, hrmm, trying to be quiet but I'm sure we failed spectacularly.

Me: "Is your brother a light sleeper?"
Lobe: "I sure hope so."

In my experience with long distance, there's often this disconnect when you meet again after being physically apart. You have lost familiarity with the physical experience of them. You know the voice and the thoughts and the mind and the desire but who the fuck is this person? Do I know your skin? Are you inside here, really?

Sometimes takes a bit of nuzzling to coax that mood away. As if I need time to land my body into his, to taxi off the runway... until, shit, yeah, I know you now. There we go. It's you. We're here.

Over the last few weeks, Lobe and I have talked a lot. Been rough emotions in patches, but we've interspersed the serious shit with light hearted chat and playfulness. I wouldn't say we've sorted things out, totally, but we're trying. Lobe said he still doesn't think long distance works for him, but he's making an exception for me. Our mutual attraction is something magic. I wish I could express... mmm... imagine a fistful of sparklers, and them all igniting at once, that first moment when they start to go off, the surge of energy, exactly that.

Grotto keeps teasing me about NRE. He's... ah... he's had a lot of processing to do around this, various emotions. I definitely need to make sure I take care of him. Keep it gentle, keep holding him.

Work in progress.
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  #59  
Old 12-09-2013, 03:22 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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I've been noticing how much anxiety I have about my fluctuating sexual desire towards particular people. Especially lovers (? not sure about the terminology here) that I rarely make time with.

When we do spend time, I worry that they have an expectation that we'll have sex, though I won't necessarily want that. I don't know how to shake this feeling.

What I'd like, when we have time together, is for the time to be free-form, for us to be together, do things together, talk, whatever. Not necessarily sex. Even if we only have rare dates together, I still don't want sex to be expected... or even necessarily hoped for (unless we've talked about it beforehand.)

I sense that sex drives are often mismatched. When I meet someone, who would be keen to have sex with me, but I don't feel like it, though I've had sex with them before, I have to fight against feeling bad about this. It's like I panic that I've created an expectation by my previous behaviour.

Sometimes I'm really horny, and I understand what it's like... to want sex. But generally, even if I'm really horny, I'd rather have sex by myself, or with someone I have no dissonance with. There are very few people I have felt perfectly at ease with, sexually. Who I've never not wanted sex with, when I'm keen on sex in general.

For others, my desire comes and goes.

I wonder, for those people, if it is simpler (because of my paranoia) to circumscribe a non-sexual relationship?

Or can I trust that they don't assume: just because we've connected sexually in the past, we will again in the future?
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  #60  
Old 12-22-2013, 05:10 AM
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My desire for Lobe is insane. I'm pretty much obsessed. I crave his touch, I miss his face, I want to talk with him all the time. Well, shit, I guess this is the fabled NRE.

I've been seeing him quite a bit, considering we don't live in the same city anymore. Last weekend he came to meet me in a different city (I was there for a friend's concert). Ah. So good. When we fuck, the world ends. I wanna hold hands and travel the world together.

How does this work?

Ocean's really mellow about it all. His concern seems to be with me. He keeps checking in on me that I'm getting enough solitude, that I'm not burning out.

Grotto, on the other hand, is struggling. He's having to process a lot, and he's very tender about things. We've had a rough few weeks. Triggering each other like mad. Seem to be coming through the worst of it now, though not sure.

I need to be more gentle with him.
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