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  #41  
Old 09-22-2013, 08:00 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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My life is pretty busy at the moment, but good. Met up with Ocean half way between our two cities for about 10 hours on Friday. He was up to give a presentation. I'd hoped to make it for the talk but I couldn't get the time off work. So I took the overnight train, and snuck into his hotel at 3am We had breakfast together, and a walk down the river, then he headed back around midday. I killed another hour or so before my train home. Was just over 13 hours travel for me, all up, but totally worth it. Also I gave Ocean a bag of my gear to ferry back, which means I can now move all my remaining things myself, in one trip (I think/hope).

Another weekend with Lobe. We're having a lot of quality time. I guess it's gonna be long-distance for the foreseeable future, once I leave, so I want to make the most of this time together. He is wonderful, Christ. I love his face. It's kindly and also supersexy.

We've talked more about feelings, and we both seem to have a similar dis-ease with gushing on about love and dreams and other sentimental things. It's obvious we both feel really tender towards each other, but we're not sure what we're growing here and we want to be as gentle on ourselves as possible. Ache the least amount. Is it possible?

That said, I broke the L-word seal a few days ago. I said "psst... " very quietly. Lobe said "yes?" and I whispered "I love you." He replied "I love you too, but I don't want to say it too often." I said "I understand", because I do. Then he went on: "but I want you to know that I love you. Like, if you ever think to yourself 'I wonder if Lobe loves me?' you should tell yourself 'yes, he loves me.'"

Shit. I love him so much

Grotto and I had a shaky couple of days recently. No time to write about it now, as coffee is getting cold, but we had a really good discussion, and things are much better now. Never fails to amaze me how deep and tangled the roots of emotions can be.

In other news, camping plans with Djuna shaping up! She's gonna be here for TWO WEEKS in Oct/Nov, woop!
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  #42  
Old 10-07-2013, 07:11 AM
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I got a job! Permanent part-time in the city where Grotto and Ocean live. I'm travelling for six weeks or so (seeing family and friends, camping with Djuna) before I start work for serious.

Things are good, with everything and everyone.

Lobe has had bad experience with long-distance relationships, so he doesn't see much point in them. I'm not sure what that means in real terms... I think I just have to see how it goes. Being with him is wonderful. Being away from him, mm. Will be its own adventure I guess.

My emotions have moved very fast with him. The sex and intimacy and ah, everything, is so right. Different to how I'm close with other people... but a similar intensity. Him being close friends with Grotto, and getting on really well with Ocean too... Things just slot in.

I don't want to feel like the hub though. I'd like to be just another optional friend who is good to hang out with. Not the focus of attention, even if I am sometimes the catalyst of a gathering. I mean to say, for example, perhaps Ocean wouldn't spend time with Lobe if it wasn't for me. But... I hope that they independently enjoy it, and would maybe not even care either way if I was around or not.

Last weekend I made a mission out of carting my gear back from this city to the other. It involved one night in a small town part-way between both cities, with Lobe, Ocean, Grotto and I. Grotto and I got one room, the other two another (with separate beds). We hung out the four of us during the day and night, and the next morning, before parting ways again. Afterwards Lobe jokingly called it a "fuchka convention," but it didn't feel like that to me (or, upon investigation, him either. He was just teasing).

I'd kinda hate that. To be the centre of attention. Unless, of course, well, y'know... But in general, in social situations, I might be keen to engineer an environment or shared activity, but I don't want it to me "all about me" or "my idea of fun" being pushed on other people. I'm more interested in putting the energy into something that everyone will appreciate and enjoy, that's as far as possible designed by the hive mind rather than my own. My contribution is enthusiasm for something people actually want, even though they may not have been willing to make the effort to get it organised themselves.

Yeah.

Ideals, eh.

Must go rustle Lobe from his post-coital snooze. I leave in 11 hours. Will be sad to say goodbye. I hope... I don't get hurt too bad, if he finds it all too difficult for whatever reason.
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  #43  
Old 10-12-2013, 02:05 AM
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A big topic I've been wrestling with for a while is how my life decisions relationship-wise relate to my family, and family friends.

I'm currently visiting my parents in their home country (Asia). There's a lot of love and support here, but no concept of how to connect with behaviour that breaks social norms. Almost as if people's childlike minds have no words for things which transgress conventions. The different must be wrong.

Perhaps an unfair cariacature, but it summarises how things are from my perspective.

For a while, I had been thinking of strategies of how to tell my parents that I'm not monogamous, and that I'm open to having kids with people who are not my husband. In fact, that if at all I have kids, it will most likely not be with Ocean.

More recently I've been feeling that I should just live my life with conviction, and not fret about explicit conversations. If they bring things up, I'll deal with it then. I'm not sure if that's entirely the right approach for a pregnancy, but on the other hand... I just don't know how to do this any other way.

I've tried to have conversations with my brothers about this stuff, but it hasn't gone down well. No one who doesn't understand your perspective can give you permission or acceptance to do something that goes against their own values, right? Unless they deeply empathise... and there's not much you can do to make someone else empathise with you, maybe.

Having a kid with Grotto (or Lobe, or whoever else "not Ocean") would be a massive scandal. Am I willing to go there? Lobe jokingly said that a baby would be the "most obvious and irreversible manifestation" of our relationships. By the way, because of racial backgrounds, there'd be no way of pretending that any kid that I have with Grotto/Lobe was Ocean's. (Not that I'd want to pretend, but I've had this suggested to me).

Some who have managed to follow my convoluted tale on here may notice that Lobe is getting lumped in with Grotto when it comes to potentially having babies. Yeah... so... turns out that Lobe is real "mate"-y right now. And turns out that I don't seem to mind so much (WHAT? I properly know this dude less than six months.) Meanwhile Grotto is having these love fantasies about having kids and not caring who the dad is, holding my hand while Lobe fucks me, etc etc. It's all very woah. Because of the long-distance, I haven't properly processed this stuff with Grotto. How serious this is, how practical this is. And on the other side of it, Lobe and I have been awash with sex chemicals, and we need time to simmer down from this and take stock of what we want from each other, as well. Enforced space because of long-distance with Lobe will be good for this.

Lobe's open to being a stay-at-home single dad, and knows what this means, more than me I think, because of having to take care of siblings growing up. Grotto is too (but hasn't had much experience with what this actually entails.)

Why would I want to go here, when I know it will be impossible to reconcile with my family and family friends? It's a close-knit tapestry I'd be slashing. I have no illusions about this.

But they can't live my life for me. This is something I want. I want to make a family. Or at least be open to it. If it happens, I have the support of people who both love me and understand me to help me through the painful path of burning bridges with those who love me but will hate what I'm doing.

If I'm scandalous, so be it.

Last edited by fuchka; 10-12-2013 at 02:09 AM.
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  #44  
Old 10-15-2013, 05:33 AM
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Eight days til I head "home". It will be really good to be back. I'm ready.

At the moment, I have five sexually intimate relationships of various intensities. That seems like too many. I have no particular reason for feeling this way, as in, nothing is actually problematic at this stage. But it just sounds like too many, right?

I feel a bit uneasy, like something's gotta give.

Plinth is the most low-key. It's nothing too serious, a loving playful friendship. I have an overnight date with him end November, a belated birthday thing.

Things with Djuna are also fairly chilled. We're mostly long distance (though she's visiting soon, for two weeks!) and it seems okay that way. I'm keen to talk with her about how she's feeling, if she wants the relationship to grow in any particular way.

Although I really enjoy it when we fuck, I'm not driven to being sexual with either of them. It's more of a decision (to go there) than a compulsion.

That said, it's kinda got that way with Ocean too. I guess there are ebbs and flows of desire.

I worry that I create expectations in other people. That, because I feel like being sexual today, that I will necessarily feel like being sexual on another occasion. I feel nervous that my ambivalent sexual attraction will be harsh on the other person's self-esteem. Like, if someone only wanted me sometimes, I could feel shit about this, right? It could be confusing...

Can I be a friend who says: I always like spending time with you. I sometimes (but not always) feel like being sexual with you. I can't really predict how I'll feel...

... Is it fair enough to continue a sexual relationship with someone when I don't always want them sexually?

That's a difficult thing to say up-front to someone.

Ocean and I have navigated this between us, and I feel we have a good shared understanding of things.

I've talked about this with both Plinth and Djuna and I think they know where I'm coming from. But I feel that they would be open to more than what I can give. Basically, if I was keen to fuck more, they'd be into that. It's an imbalance I'm not entirely comfortable with.

I know that desires aren't always symmetrical. But I feel shit, to be the Less Inclined one. I feel odd, like I'm implicitly saying they are not attractive people, or that I don't really desire them. I feel almost guilty, like I should desire them more. I wonder whether it is better to end the sometimes-sexual nature of our relationship, so there's no confusion? But I know this is stupid.

Ambiguous spaces are fascinating, if you can manage to linger there awhile.
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  #45  
Old 10-16-2013, 04:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
If I'm scandalous, so be it.
"Well-behaved women seldom make history."

~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #46  
Old 10-17-2013, 02:26 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I've been really enjoying your blog--just "discovered" it recently for some reason (although I've been on this forum for almost 3 years now).

You are a truly gifted writer! I hope you are being published somewhere in real life.
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  #47  
Old 10-20-2013, 05:45 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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nycindie - Thank you so much for that quote. It's a good one to remember.

Meera - hey! Glad you like it I enjoy writing, and from time to time have been engaged with print publishing but nothing too major. I feel I've got a bit of learning to do yet before I can make confident strides in that department - if ever! But thanks for your vote of confidence. It's always nice to hear when your words are appreciated.

-

A few more days of family shenanigans here, and then heading back. Heading back, hmm. Or is it away? When I travel, I'm never quite sure if I'm leaving or returning. Perhaps it's neither. Whereever I am, I'm here. And when I get there, my here will be there.

This trip was an internal turning point for me emotionally, re my family. I've decided to not 'come out' to them, at least not explicitly. I've had a different sit-down 'coming out' conversation with them already, many years ago. Was when I realised I wasn't straight, and in fact, couldn't see myself settling down with a guy. I was proud of myself for having the courage and honesty to come out to them, but it was a flawed mission (a long story. Just imagine an implosion of internal organs.) Don't see the point of going through that again. They weren't equipped to grasp that, then, they are not equipped to grasp this, now. Especially not when it's laid out in words.

What I have decided to do, is just 'be out'. This is not an entirely new decision; the concept has been growing on me over the last year or so. But I feel like on this holiday, visiting family and family friends, I have confirmed this intention within myself.

I don't have to come out. I am out. If there's a closet, it's no more than your closed mind.

Stumbled upon this post searching for "coming out alternatives" (I was looking for a phrase that could better describe my attitude to 'coming out'). I liked this:
Quote:
Instead of Ďcoming outí, you can just be out. You know that assumption any given person is straight Ė even people whose sexual or gender identities arenít knowable, like babies or strangers? That assumption makes things harder for us. Itís why we have to announce we arenít cishets to every new person we meet, why we get excluded from social discussions, why we sometimes feel like guests in our own homes. Once we know we arenít, I sometimes think announcing so in dramatic, deliberate ways shores up the problem: the more shocking not being straight is made to seem, the more straightness gets reified as the default. Consider that, instead of sitting people down to give them the talk or making stressful, emotional speeches, you have the option of just getting on with things Ė of not formally declaring yourself queer, but not hiding it either. Jodie Foster did just that.
You know what? I feel like celebrating.
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  #48  
Old 10-22-2013, 01:40 PM
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I've gradually come to accept a reality that Lobe recognised before I did: if we want to be in the same place, he's going to have to shift and come to where I am.

At the moment, and for the foreseeable future, I'm not free to choose to move cities to be with him. Well - obviously I am free to do whatever the fuck I want... What I mean is, other priorities of mine (i.e. to continue to grow a life with Ocean and Grotto) are in conflict with this. If end up where Lobe is, it will be for independent reasons. A happenstance happiness.

It's an odd feeling.

I've written on here before that I am not one to uproot my life to be with someone else. In fact, that was a rule of mine, not to do this. A rule I have recently broken, twice. Heh. It's not so bad.

Similar to this disinclination, though, is me not wanting to be the reason anyone else moves. I feel it's important to be whereever it is you need to be, for you. But of course wanting to be close to other people is an intertwined part of what's right for you personally.

I'd love it if Lobe could live closer to me.

But that would make more sense a bit later, if ever, I think. It's too early right now, and neither of us are sure what we want. Well. I'm surer than Lobe.

In a way, it's good that the decision (to move or not) will most likely be his to make. Means he'll have to be confident that he wants this, that he wants to give it a go.

In transit, free airport internet (wooh! Always pleases me). When I get to 'home base', I'm dropping in to see Grotto - who fortuitously has the day off work! Then either just me or both of us are going to near Ocean's work to catch him for a brunch/lunch. Oh yeah The old gang back together again.
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  #49  
Old 10-23-2013, 08:12 AM
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Ah, gee, um. Maybe I'm just too tired from travel, jet lagged, need sleep.

Lobe and I are adjusting to the long-distance... It's a bit scary and panicking me a little.

Okay, let me be honest: I'm a mess, my stomach's a clenched fist, I can't focus on any of the shit I need to get done. From what I can tell, Lobe's wavering between making a clean break now, or working things through.

I don't feel safe. I feel very vulnerable. And yet, I can't bring myself to cut free and move on. I feel that would be a pre-emptive strike driven by fear.

Shit shit shit.

It's been affecting my ability to enjoy time today with Grotto and Ocean. Was good to see both of them, but - especially with Grotto - I can't fully connect. I'm caught up in this unfinished business with Lobe.

Jesus. I miss him.

Ocean's been sweet, said he's there to talk if I want to talk. But I don't really feel like talking with either him or Grotto about this.

Have asked Lobe if he can make time to chat tonight. Let's see.

Ach. Hurting
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  #50  
Old 10-23-2013, 05:22 PM
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((((((Hugs!))))))
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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