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  #101  
Old 04-22-2014, 02:37 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Default Going the distance

I've written scraps of this journal over the last few weeks, much of it lost: false starts (or perhaps too true ones) like the ashy edge of burnt paper, dissolving in drifts of air.

Lobe visited over the long weekend. It was Overdue. We don't do well long distance, we really don't. He says he is sensitive to the unreality of distance. How we rely on memories and imagination, how a person and a relationship so quickly become fantasy. The degeneration is in fast-forward. One minute the theatre is filled with music, costumes, puppets, lights. We are holding hands in our seats, immersed in joyful wonder. Then, the lights go out, we're squeezed out into the street, it's cold, greyscale and the theatre is empty now, and dark. In a moment, the faded paraphenalia is packed away to a back room - marionettes left to hang in lifeless bunches, props haphazardly stashed as if having no hope of ever being needed again - a colourless mound gathering dust.

Wrote this a day or two before he got here:
Quote:
Long distance with Lobe is hard, barely sustainable. We see each other fairly often, considering, but it's... yeah. Hmm.

5 weeks til my work schedule eases up. I'm not good with being patient! And it's surprisingly hard, to put things off til a future time in the hope that it'll be easier, then. It requires too much faith, when you've only had limited experience. Both of us hate the growing sense of surreality each time we're physically distant. It's like we're two ice caps slowly parting ways.

It may be that it's time to admit this is too impractical for even our desires to motivate a solution in the mid-term. Ech. Will see what he's feeling when he gets here. I've lost the threads of him. Reaching, can't catch. This is challenging!
Seeing him, talking in person, was healing. It's got to be easier, though. The situation has enough challenges without us losing connection after 2-3 weeks of not seeing each other. In the short term, we're going to be in different cities. It's got to work that way, or we should give up, maybe? I feel the energy-sink of it, sometimes. Like I'm constantly at risk of being written off. This time, I asked Lobe: "Please don't forget I'm real." He said: "I'll try not to." I guess that's the best anyone can do.

In other news, Ocean and I are about to rejig living arrangements. We move in about four weeks. There will be a bunch of work to do around that, but we're moving to a place with a garden and compost and a housemate who is rad. I'll have my own room! This is a place I thought I'd be moving to by myself, but due to various reshufflings it turns out Ocean will be moving with me too. I'm glad in a way, because I was afraid I wouldn't see that much of him if we split up our living arrangements between two places (especially two places far from each other). On the other hand, I'm worried he won't like it. It's some distance from the city, and a bit colder... Oh well, it's his decision! I have a tendency to get anxious that I've forced people into a scenario they don't like. But, really, people make their own minds up. It's not all about me.

Grotto's ma and her partner are visiting in a couple of days, for a week. I really want to show them a good time. Coming up to it, I spoke with Grotto about putting off our own shit for a wee bit, just so we can connect and focus on being hosts to family. Could be good for us, too, to look outwards, and work together. That said, we still do need to deal to some deep-seated disconnects. Haven't yet made it to counselling, but it needs to happen. We're good for now, though.

One thing I got to understand about Grotto recently is how little control he feels he has over his emotions. I had been messaging his ma, a couple of months ago, and she asked if she could visit end April. I spoke with Grotto about it, and he said that would be ok. So I conveyed that to her, and she booked tickets. Next I spoke with him about it, he was in a really sluggish mood. It went something like - Me: "Can't wait to see your ma!" Grotto: "ehhh... yeah... [grumblegrumble]..."

I was super confused about it. Also kind of pissed off. Like, if he didn't want to see her, why didn't he say so? Plus, I felt bad, like I had helped engineer a situation that Grotto didn't want, etc. But it's not that he didn't want to see his ma. It's just he was overwhelmed by the Effort of it.

For me, I don't tend to get bogged down by that. If it's something I want to do, I (usually) feel quite upbeat. High energy, even. Grotto isn't like that. Sometimes it's like he's being dragged to the sacrificial altar. I can misinterpret that (unsurprisingly) as him not wanting to make an effort. Maybe even him being lazy, wallowing. I want to yell at him: "come on, dude, cheer the fuck up!" But perhaps he can't much help the slow-moving mud of his moods, just as I can't help my firefly energy and flitting attention.
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  #102  
Old 05-08-2014, 04:09 AM
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Grotto's family visited (his ma and her partner), and they had a great time. Grotto was happy to see his mum, and we were able to be decent hosts despite the various ups and downs of late.

I'm quite drained at the moment. I think there are too many connections in my life, people who have disparate views about me. Too many versions of success. Of course, I can't please everyone (and shouldn't try to) but I'm finding it a difficult environment. Not sure I'm mentally well right now.

I want to be alone. And I want to be held, simply, by people who know me, understand me, and like me.

Ocean is wonderful to me. I was sick this morning and he cared for me. Cosy blankets and a cuddle before he left for work.

I turned up at Grotto's last night, exhausted. He went out and got dinner for me, and ran an errand.

Lobe has visited a couple of times recently, as I haven't had the time to travel. I appreciate him making more of an effort, going beyond half way.

Lobe and Grotto have also had a couple of conversations with each other about relationship stuff recently. It's broken the ice "which was in much need of breaking" (according to Grotto). I should feel relieved, I guess, but instead I'm more numb. "ok."

A few things grinding at me at the moment: an extremely challenging work project (I have a brave face on but I'm thrashing in the deep end), plus trying to find a place to live (with less success than expected), plus a close family member being sick (my Nana who I'm very close to). Ah. Gotta keep swimming...
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  #103  
Old 05-10-2014, 08:39 AM
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Ocean and I had a full few hours today, making it to various house inspections. Going to apply to all the places we saw; hopefully one of them will have us! It's been a bit exhausting. Not sure I explained the details on this blog. Basically, Ocean and I have been living in a one-bedroom studio. I knew I needed my own space, especially with Lobe visiting, so I decided to get my own studio/retreat space: a spare room in a house with a couple of other people. Things changed with that house (one person moved out) so then there was room for another person there. Ocean decided to move in too, and move out of our current place (the 1br studio). I moved into my room start of April, and the 2nd room (Ocean's) was to become available mid-April. However, on the day I moved in, the landlord said they were going to sell the property, which meant we had to move out. So now the three of us (Ocean, myself and the other housemate) have been trying to find a new place. Unexpected complications, energy suck, but nearly there.

I'm excited about moving in with our new housemate. They have a great presence about them, and do a bunch of cool shit - cooking, fermenting, community arts and music - as well as wanting to make a garden! I've missed that so much since moving here. Very soon, fingers in soil! Hooray!

Ok, tonight I have a date night with myself Have a great weekend, y'all
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  #104  
Old 05-16-2014, 03:53 AM
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I'm on the home stretch with this work project that's consumed me for the last few months. It'll be over in a week!

Also: Ocean, our new housemate and I found a new place! It's in a good location, quirky, heaps of room for spare bed, office, craft projects, music. Vege garden. Kitchen. Yeah. I can't quite remember all the details of how the house felt, so it will be somewhat of a surprise when we finally move in next week.

Lobe's been sick. I'm aching to care for him, make him soup, give him cuddles, etc. But distance is such a moat, sometimes.

Grotto and I are... better? Fixed? Getting there? We've had some peaceful times lately. Went on a long walk with him a few days ago, talked through the same shit but it felt a bit like the final pass of the comb, with all the knots gone. We'll see. It's hard to tell when things are healed. In other news, he has a crush on this girl (friend of Bijou's). Not a hectic thing but it's cute. I reckon he'd like to be with one or two other people as well as me.

Mm.

It's been an age since he or I have caught up with Plinth. I'll have to pick up that thread on this blog at some point.
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  #105  
Old 05-18-2014, 12:20 AM
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Broken through the hardest bit of the work project! Oh my god, it feels good. Ocean helped me a heap with taking a few other things off my plate, including some at the last minute (yesterday) when I was straining to meet a deadline. He's such a gem.

I need to ease up today to make sure I don't flood myself with new commitments, since I'm feeling so light. Time to unwind, reset intentions. Fuck it, I might have a bath.

Been thinking a lot about how sex can change a relationship, and change how that relationship sits within a wider network. I'm not sure if it's the sex per se, ah... but there's something there, right? A kind of conspiratorial intimacy that comes over a relationship sometimes, for whatever reason. Either it's how people perceive it or how you experience it or a combo of both. Not sure if I'm explaining this well. But basically, what's the difference between friendships I have with people who I don't have sex with, and friendships I have with people I do have or have had sex with? It seems wrong to think of "sex" as the distinguishing factor, I guess it's something else... Romance? Commitment?

I get confused by all of this.

It's funny, my blog on here is almost an exercise - for me - in trying to figure out what it is that makes what I'm doing a thing. I still don't identify as poly. It's more that simply, I have many wants, some easy to reconcile, some challenging to, and some impossible. And life is about getting your gumboots on and clumping through all of that, and finding your path.

To me, it's almost as if it arbitrarily turns out that when sex is involved, it's more likely to turn to shit. Like we can't treat sex as casually as everything else.

I guess it's all the chemicals released when you're fucking. Your dreams can grow faster, and intertwine with this other person, and then you can lose track of how that fits into the rest of the garden of your life.

Hmmmmm!

Recently I've been toying with the idea of giving up sex for a wee bit, let relationships settle, focus on platonic friendships and how I relate to friends non-sexually... A sexual detox if you will.

But then I think, the real problem is, we all don't have enough sex with each other

No, no, not really. It's just that, sometimes, when I get close to someone, sometimes, I want to touch, I want to taste, I want to be really into them and feel what they're like as an animal. It's part curiosity, part desire, and sometimes in a roundabout way part disgust, or wanting to understand my own revulsion (I haven't teased out that latter thought much, it's more a vague inkling of an aspect that's sometimes there)... Also sometimes I just want to be good to someone and make them feel good. And I don't get why sex sometimes seems to be more problematic than other kinds of things I want to do. Like, what am I missing here?

Well, anyway, I'm enjoying figuring this out experimentally
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  #106  
Old 06-16-2014, 12:44 PM
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Short version: things are really, really good.

I could go into a longer version. That would probably be more informative. Hmm.

Oh well.

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  #107  
Old 06-26-2014, 07:18 PM
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A couple of days ago I received this in a really sweet e-mail from a friend, inviting me to her housewarming:

Quote:
you're welcome to show up any time and bring people like Ocean or Grotto if you like. Other fuchka-approved people are also welcome, but not too many of them so we can make sure everyone fits if it's raining.
Aww
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  #108  
Old 06-27-2014, 10:12 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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I just have to say that I loved reading your blog thread, thank you for sharing it with us.
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  #109  
Old 09-08-2014, 12:05 AM
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Hi, GreenMom. Thanks for your encouraging comment.

I haven't had too much time for reading or writing on this forum lately. It's been a bit ?!?! in relationship-land.

Had a good conversation with Ocean yesterday about life plans... We have some friends visiting soon that I'm very much looking forward to catching up with. I'm feeling like putting down roots. Either that, or consciously pulling up roots, being more nomadic. I think I need to figure out which mode to be in; I'm not much good with the middle ground. It seems wrong.

Anyway.

Having relationships with three let's-make-life-together! lovers is odd. It's not that I run out of time or energy in general (funnily enough), it's just... hmm... I guess it's the complexity of it. In particular, strange dynamics between Grotto and Lobe and me... ugh. That's what I don't have energy for. On the other hand, I need to have energy for that, if that's what we're doing. If it only works in perfect conditions, it's too fragile.

It would take more time than I have to go into the details about what's been going on. To summarise: after months of trying his best to be okay with things, Grotto realised he really wasn't. He needed me to break up with Lobe. I couldn't do that. Grotto and I broke up, but then we got back together. And now, we're together but it's very up and down.

I'm not sure if things are getting worse or getting better. A lot of Grotto's friends think he should break up with me, heal up, have a better life with someone else, "give me an ultimatum" etc... They can tell he's upset about things, and deeply unhappy.

As for me, I just want a decision either way. Grotto knows me. He knows what I'm like and what's going on. If he wants in, I need a wholehearted yes. If not, I need him to do us both a favour and cut loose.

I'm considering doing the latter for him.
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  #110  
Old 09-17-2014, 10:48 PM
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Oh I am sorry to read that things went that way with Grotto. But you are a strong woman and know your own mind, and it is good that you did not end it with Lobe to appease Grotto - doing so would not have enabled Grotto to take responsibility for his feelings and thoughts about it. Although, I know it must have been rough for a while, for all of you.

Whatever happens, I am sure you will handle it with maturity, will take care of yourself and the people in your life as best as you know how, and face your journey with grace and aplomb.
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