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  #91  
Old 02-24-2014, 09:05 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Meera - your flailing is probably less risky, ha. I could do better at thinking things through in advance. Too often I question "how could this go wrong?" almost while I'm doing something, rather than beforehand! Well, there are pros and cons to both approaches

The past week-or-so I've been dodging sickness from work colleagues and others, but it seems I've finally succumbed to some gunky lurgy. Sore throat, blocked face, body run-down. Oh wellz.

In other news, a recent conversation has made me rethink how I blog on here. I haven't actively shared this blog with friends or lovers, but I keep in mind that's it's a public forum, and could be stumbled upon. My general approach has been that since I'm writing about me and my life from my perspective, the other people in my story - given the context - wouldn't be too upset about it, should they find out that I had blogged about them.

Turns out that I may have been wrong to assume this.

I wanted to share some links from this forum with someone, and I felt I should give them a heads-up that I also had blogged on here. They asked whether I had written about them, and I said yes. They then said that they felt I had breached their privacy.

We haven't had a chance to talk further about this topic. Maybe it was a passing feeling, and won't be a big issue in the end. But: pause for thought.

Personally, I've found the blogs on here to be one of the most useful resources for navigating non-monogamous relationships. I'm grateful to read other people's stories.

Also, keeping my own journal has helped me tease out my own thoughts and feelings, gain insights.

That said, much as I love the community here, maybe this isn't the right forum for talking about the intimate details of my relationships.

Anyway. There's probably a middle ground My head is too heavy to think about it right now. Will probably just see how things go. As usual. Happy Monday!

Last edited by fuchka; 02-24-2014 at 09:11 AM.
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  #92  
Old 03-01-2014, 07:49 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Default The animals went in two by two

Interesting discussion with Ocean a few days ago about how some couples tend to only socialise with other couples. There've been a few occasions lately where he's asked me to accompany him to something as his partner, because we were invited as a couple. For example, to a dinner with a colleague and his partner, along with another friend and his partner.

I brought up the fact that I feel odd about such invites. In some part because most of Ocean's friends here don't know I have other partners too. It just doesn't come up, and people make assumptions, etc. For some reason it bugs me to reinforce that assumption.

I also dislike the "couples vibe" of those kinds of gatherings. It feels to me like people aren't fully there as individuals, and it niggles at me. I prefer to take each person for themselves, not necessarily in the context of how they come together in pairs like pepper and salt. I'm being a bit harsh, I know. It's not that rigid, really. But I'd much rather socialise with people who like me and want to hang out with me, independent of how I am connected with other people. And likewise, I prefer to relate to others as themselves, too.

Ocean brought up the point that for some couples who have a bias towards socialising with other couples, it may be almost unconscious. They don't mean to exclude non-couples, they just do. It could be habit, convention, whatever. They probably don't even notice it. However, the fact remains that you would find it hard to 'break into' those social circles, as a single person.

It frustrates me that this is still the case but he's right, I think. I wonder why that is. Dinner sets usually come in multiples of two? Haha.
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  #93  
Old 03-08-2014, 01:47 AM
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Took on an extra project at work that has really unbalanced me. It's far more challenging than I thought it would be, and shot my ability to manage my workflow.

Triggered me breaking. Taking time out now. Had planned travel to visit family, but decided to stay home instead and get my head in order.

I have a tendency to push myself to capacity. When I get better at organising myself, or staying well, I can end up simply being more efficient at doing "too much", yet again. Yes, I've changed the shape of things internally, or the way I behave, but then it's as if I level up with those new skills, and use them to feed old patterns.

I guess that's how life and learning cycles are. This is what it means to Not Be Perfect? Wah, but I want to be perfect!!

Grotto and I are back stuck again on my lack of apology, his unhealed hurt, around how Lobe and I hooked up.

Another troubling thing he said was, he's feeling this has affected his friendship with Lobe already, possibly irrevocably. And that he may not be able to be friends with him, at least for a while, if this all goes to shit. Even I took space from both of them.

Ah, dense, dense. Can't go back, gotta go through.

Grotto and I have had some good times recently, and healed a lot. We've figured ways through different ways of speaking and being. We've been able to talk about things that would have been too volatile in the past. I'm somewhat hopeful, somewhat at a loose end.

One thing I'm sure of, is I have to take care of myself, first.

Ocean's proud of me, that I made the hard decision to cancel my travel plans, in favour or some time out for myself. Hey, I'm proud of me too.
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  #94  
Old 03-09-2014, 03:44 AM
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Default Patchwork

Mending Ocean's favourite satchel with rough patches cut out from the rags of old pants and shirts.

Chatted with Grotto this morning. We agreed to see a counsellor sometime this fortnight. I'm somewhat apprehensive, but ready. I really want to hear and understand him. I'm scared that I'll have to open myself, to own up to imperfections that I may not yet acknowledge. But I know that I must, and I know that it's a good thing, to examine your conscience.

I'm more hopeful. We'll do better. We'll keeping working it out.

Phone sex with Lobe last night. It was incredibly intense. We fell asleep after fucking, and we both woke up with a sense of closeness, like... weren't they just in bed with me... mmm... where are they... ? He's a wonderful lover. Intimate, immediate, urgent, tactile. I miss him.
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  #95  
Old 03-13-2014, 08:16 PM
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Default Wiggle room

Have had some seriously edge-y days recently.

A mood, from the day before yesterday:

Quote:
Anxious. Something's not right. I'm not right.

Some experiences pull through me like a lockpick, resetting my pieces, I feel adjusted on the inside, half-open
I asked Grotto to come round and chat with me. We got food delivered, watched Cheers, hung about. He was gentle with me, which is what I needed. I don't appreciate him enough. Yeah, it's hard work sometimes, for both of us. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, and the ways we're not perfect are particularly incompatible sometimes. Bone on bone. But we're good, it's good.

Lobe's visiting this weekend. I have work on one of the days he's here. I'm a bit nervous whether I'll be able to do work-mode when he's around. But... I have to be able to! One thing about our current long-distance is that we tend to see each other on weekends, when it's all playtime. We miss the regular workaday stuff, but it's hard to get a sense of that when, well, you're actually in chill-mode.

Since I still don't have a room of my own here (Ocean and I share a one-bedroom flat, at the moment), Lobe and I are getting a cheap motel, and then a more fancy hotel, for the first two nights he's here. He may stay another night too, which could be with Ocean and me (there are sofa sleepin options in the lounge). Either Lobe and I would take the bedroom, or the lounge, and Ocean would work around that. Checked in with Ocean, he said he's ok with that, though it's obviously not ideal. Hopefully will work for one night, if need be. There's just not quite room enough here to get enough space, though...

Another option is crashing with a Mutual Friend. In this case, it may be harder logistically, and I'm craving being at home. But that (Lobe and I staying with a friend, rather with another partner) feels much easier in terms of dynamics. I understand why, but it still baffles me... How can having a sexual relationship with someone change a whole bunch of things about the friendship, and how that relates to other connections I have? e.g. Me + a friend I'm not fucking + a friend I am fucking: all good to hang out (as long as everyone feels included. I guess it could get third-wheel-ish, depending on the vibe.) But me + two friends I'm fucking: is initially weird, in general, unless we're all into fucking each other. Right? What gives?

Anyway. Not having my own space right now (at least a bedroom of my own) is a frustration. Luckily, a frustration I think will be fixed soon. Our current location is quite central. For the same amount of rent, Ocean and I can get two rooms a bit less central... and it seems we've done this. I've sorted a retreat space/bolt hole/fuck pad which is a bit far out of town, but is in a space with great people. I vibe really well with the main person in the house. They're a musician too (I dabble a bit), and they're into a bunch of similar stuff to me (gardening, shared cooking, community arts, etc). I'm excited about moving there. Start date is in the first week of April.

So, next time Lobe visits (at this stage, seems like it may be Easter break), he can stay with me!

As for the other room, an opening is coming up in a warehouse with a couple of Ocean's and my mutual friends. (Hilariously, it may be an old room of Bijou's (Grotto's ex)... It facinates me how social circles in even very large cities tend to still be incestuously small.) If that all works out, when the lease ends on this place in May sometime, we'll shift our 'home base' into that other pad. It's an excellent location for me: one stop out of the city, on the side of the city I work on. At the moment, is an hour commute door to door to my work. From the warehouse will be more like 25-30mins door to door. Maybe even less. Woo!

Eventually I don't want to live between two houses. In fact, since I stay one or more nights a week at Grotto's place (I aim for an average of 2-3), it'll be like three places really... Four, if you figure the time I spend with Lobe in the city he lives in. Shifting like that isn't good for me. It's the little details I crave. Knowing what marketing needs to be done. Sharing meals. Being there to check in on my family's moods. The natural support of cohabitation... If your time is divided between too many places, you just can't do any of that very well.

But, as an interim measure, this could work swimmingly.
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  #96  
Old 03-21-2014, 10:49 PM
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Lobe's visit was really good! We stayed the first night in a cheap motel. It was perfect. No shade on the light, insulation bulging out of the wall inside the cupboard... Classy. That said, we had free butter and jam (which, to me, promised sliced bread somewhere but there was none forthcoming), clean sheets and a decent enough toilet and shower. The teeny tiny bathroom was about 2-3 times the size of an airplane toilet, but how much space do you need, really?

One of the best parts about this place was we didn't have to talk to anyone. We arrived late at night. The keys were pinned up for us on a cork board. We left payment and keys in the room the next morning, and locked the door behind us. It's not as if we needed discretion, but it was a fun bonus! Would stay again.

The next day, Lobe loitered about, while I went to dance class. Then I took him to see a friend's exhibition, that I wanted to show him. He also got to meet my friend, who was gallery sitting that day. Then, we just hung out for the rest of the day. Swung by my place for a bit, where Ocean was chilling out. I made food, we all ate. In a couple of hours, Lobe and I pushed off.

I'd got a hotel room for the two of us with a spa bath. The spa was very nice at the end of the day, but the hotel itself was somewhat soul-less. I don't know this city well, and - since I live here - I don't usually stay at hotels or motels. So, despite reading reviews, it can be a bit of a gamble. Oh well.

I'm moving into the new place on 7 April, so we shouldn't ever have to stay someplace else again, in this city. Yay!

I had to work at a community festival on Sunday, and Lobe was great. He helped set up, amused himself for most of the day, and was generally supportive. Ah, I love him.

I had a surprise family dinner on Sunday night too (which I'd gotten late notice of). It was family I really Should see. I talked with Lobe about it, and he said he'd be okay to join me. By then, he was feeling quite tired and possibly a bit sick too, poor baby. But he held up admirably.

It was late by the time we'd finished all that.

We eventually crashed back at 'home'. Ocean was about to head to bed. Lobe and I set ourselves up in the lounge. There's a a folding mattress by the edge of the wall that we use as a 'sofa' or double bed, as required. Not ideal, but it works well enough.

The next day was Monday, and Ocean went to work. I lazed, all day, with Lobe. It was my day off work, and at some point he decided not to go into work either, and to book an early flight out on Tuesday morning. My god, bliss. I took him to a nearby cafe that I really like. Played boardgames. Walked the long way home, talked. Did nothing, cuddled, fucked.

We toyed a few times with going out to see people (Grotto, other friends) but it felt too much. This may be one of the first times we've seen each other, and not had to deal with some heavy emotional thing. It was really enjoyable. Plus, Lobe had done quite a bit of socialising this visit. With Ocean, my work and my family. I think he was a bit activitied-out.

Doing nothing with Lobe is like a dreamspace. There's the physical intensity of our sexual connection which ebbs and flows: sometimes subtle, sometimes urgent. Then there's talking with him, which is like consulting a wise person. He listens well, and is incredibly smart, and has insights. It's the kind of connection I have with Ocean and Grotto too, in different respects. I'm not sure if I've said on this blog, but of all the '-sexual' labels I've seen floating about, I feel more 'sapiosexual' (and maybe 'omnisexual') than anything else.

On the topic of labels, I got asked for the first time a few weeks ago, what my preferred pronoun would be. I don't generally present as androgynous, or ambiguously gendered. I was designated female at birth, I have the traditional female body parts and genitals, and most people see me and think of me as female. However, I don't experience my gender as female, or male. I've struggled with "Are you male/female?" questions, and (if the option is available) I select "Other" or "genderqueer". I understand how gender is, simply, binary for other people - including for some transfolk I know. But gender's a mess to me! A beautiful, beautiful mess. I don't have strong dysphoria about it these days (though I did when I was in the social environment of a culture where roles for 'women' and 'girls' were extremely delineated from 'men' and 'boys'.)

Anyway, because I'd never actually been asked for my preference before, I found myself babbling! "Ah, you can call me whatever you want... ah... it doesn't matter...", telling them unnecessary aspects of my own 'gender journey'... until I stopped and thought, wait, I do have a preference. It's not something I'm hung up over. If someone refers to me as "she" or "her", it doesn't hurt, or make me bristle. But yeah, thanks for asking! I'll go for "they" or "them", thanks I'm a grammar stickler, and I know there are some people who hate the singular use of the plural pronoun "they", but to me it's much neater than any alternative I've heard, in English. Even for someone who hasn't turned their mind to gender at all, "they" works perfectly as an ambiguous pronoun.

I find myself using "they" a bit when I talk with other people about my partners. Maybe that is related to my feeling of being frequently misjudged as "heterosexual female". Hmm. Interesting. To me, at least! Ha.
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  #97  
Old 03-28-2014, 08:47 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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I'm happy!

Work is still fairly stressful, but I'm coming through it.

Grotto is much better. Things are peaceful between us.

Ocean's wonderful, as usual.

And I'm up visiting Lobe tomorrow night.

I can hear Ocean rattling keys... He's home from work. I've just cooked rice. We'll eat together soon.

Content.
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  #98  
Old 03-28-2014, 10:42 AM
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Happy to hear that fuchka! I'm glad everything's going swimmingly right now.
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  #99  
Old 03-30-2014, 11:35 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Yay! Great to hear of your happiness.
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  #100  
Old 03-31-2014, 02:00 AM
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Thanks, Mya & Meera It's lovely to share the good times.

Tomorrow morning I'm having a breakfast date with Ocean. He's my April Fool; it's been eight years since we first kissed. I love marking time with him, looking back down the mountain to the faint wisp of the path where it starts to climb, the distant ochre roof of the hut where we spent our first night.

How can I have this fullness of love, with him and also with others? Am I blinded to the reality that I'm living from one dream to the next, and will one day wake up to chaos, pain, and the broken pieces of beautiful things I've destroyed by my naive appetite? Sometimes I'm afraid of this. There's such a safety in conventional social models. Every now and then I am keenly aware that there's no net underneath this thin beam I walk, heel to toe, heel to toe.

I'm at Lobe's place at the moment. He's at work. I've been for a long walk, got wonderfully lost and then found myself again, and am just settling down to do some afternoon 'work from home', and a few chores.

Last night, Lobe and I were honeymooning through the streets, holding our bodies very near, drinking time and city lights, cuddling at the food court, reckless kisses, an excessive amount of dumplings... At one point my mind strayed to how precious this is, the 'just the two us' time. If, say, Ocean was out with us too, we couldn't have had that kind of intimacy. Hmm. How do I have space for this in my life?

Three people I want to grow my life with, in different ways. (Leave aside close friends for now, but that too... !) I have no idea whether this will work. Wish I could flip to the back of the book and see how it ends. Ah, but life must be lived, page by page by page.
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