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  #1  
Old 02-14-2016, 09:11 PM
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LostPixie LostPixie is offline
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Default Life and Love in a Labyrinth

Please forgive me as I bumble about here, my feelings and thoughts have been very jumbled lately (actually increasingly so over the last few months), but two of my loves find this a good outlet, so I'm hoping it helps me as well.

Not really looking for anything in particular, other than a safe-ish space to express myself and all the mess that I tend to be.

Who am I?

I'm 30, CIS female, white, pagan, polyamorous, pansensual, divorced mother of two boy "Monkeys" ages 2 & 5. I find myself often caught on the controversial topics in parenting and other areas.

I've been unemployed for 5 months as I have not figured out how to work without putting myself into debt faster than not working, thanks to needing childcare fulltime to work parttime, likely at minimum wage. Sure I could seek govmt assistance, but that would take more from ex-hubs paycheck and sink him financially, which worsens things for me and our boys any way you cut it.

Anyone who actually knows me will recognize me so I'm not sure how much I'll end up revealing.... probably too much.

I try to fill the world with light, hope, positivity, and understanding. But my inner world is often lacking these. Pretty sure I'm bipolar with anxiety.

Current relationships?

Apparently I'm a solo poly person, by common definition.

I love many people, several of them romantically, a few even return these affections. I have a pair of steadys I had considered myself in a strong triad with, until recently one part of that has been thrown into Limbo, more on this another time.... maybe. I also have a pair of lovers who are not at a "romantic love" level, likely due to a lack of close time together. And a couple lovers who are so part-time/ drifted I'm not sure if we are anything more than friends at this time.

I'm still figuring out alias for these people.

What's up with the title?

With a few brief exemptions I often feel trapped in my position in life. as though the precise trap changes over time, or I escape one trap simply to find myself in another. Some are worse than others of course.

I think this revolves around feeling that I am always too much for everyone to handle, yet never enough for anyone to be satisfied with. That feeling I can date back to age 5. There are very few memories before that time, but most seemed pleasant.

Get help?

I'm in therapy now, she's awesome but we've only met 6 times and due to insurance limitations I can't see her "often enough".

Anyway, I think thats enough for the moment.
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  #2  
Old 02-16-2016, 03:18 AM
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LostPixie LostPixie is offline
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Default One small decision. On to the next.

Not that it's consequential to anyone at the moment, but it's part of a bigger decision that factors into how I write almost anything further.

Aliases will either be
-including the ones my lovers use here already *IF* I decide to directly connect us (Of course, they have say too, but I have to figure out if I want to or not, first)
OR
-I will have to construct all new aliases despite how well theirs fit *IF* I decide I want to keep us anonymously unlinked here.


Going to talk with one of them tomorrow and get their thoughts, might help clear mine up.
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Old 02-18-2016, 06:53 PM
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Default

A day later than hoped but I talked with one of my loves who is on here last night. Got some resolution between us on some fears that had crept in and reassured each other that the two of us are stable.

They have no real preference on whether I cross tag in here or not.

I haven't spoken yet with the other, the one I'm limbo'd by these past 2 weeks+. I want to talk with them and hopefully get out of Limbo, it's very taxing. Problem is, this is NOT a conversation I want to have by phone or text, but I don't know when I will have a chance to see them to talk.

No matter what they've decided (or not [yet?]?) things between us won't be the same. It's going to change. I miss them, I miss what we had. I really don't want that to be gone.

I love them, and I don't fall out of love once I fall in, even in situations where I want to, but I can love from afar.

-----

The two were my primary relationships. They are also the first two people I fell in new love with since 2009. We started dating about 6 months ago, and it took a while, and actively letting myself be vulnerable to find that love feeling.

I'm very glad and relieved that I am still stable steady with one, but I worry about future awkwardness with the other. They are a married set after all, and while it was never required that I date both or neither, I still have a fear of causing strain between them. That is the very last thing I want.

Thankfully the one and I are very good at communicating and resolving things honestly when they come up. Now if only the other and I were as good at communicating as we were at the beginning of all this.

----

Hopefully this weekend my exhub can take the Mokeys for a night or two, now that we are all better. That way I can try to arrange a chat.

Last edited by LostPixie; 02-18-2016 at 07:10 PM. Reason: Clarification
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Old 02-20-2016, 04:28 PM
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Unhappy

So, the "funnest" part of Limbo is that no matter how much flexibility and balance a person has, they can only bend so far before they fall.

My Monkeys are supposed to have a weekend with our grandparents and their dad, granting me a chance to be off-duty for a bit. The people I need to talk with most, to try and resolve SOME of the points of Limbo, are of course busy. But I was able to line up other healthy, sanity-restoring plans with loves I haven't seen in over a month (scheduling is a pain, especially with sicknesses).

YAY!!!

Oh wait!! Yester-evening 2 year old Monkey was not "himself". When we got back from getting 5 year old Monkey, they were both asleep. Older woke up on the way in, younger stayed asleep, and aside from waking up NEEDING to be held a couple times, he slept till this morning.



And then he threw up. He seems to be feeling great now, just ate lunch without issue. But 2 weeks ago, he was the first of us 3 to have a puke-bug. Short lived, quickly recovered from, but unpleasant and very contagious.

So we are probably on lockdown for the weekend instead of having some much-needed time apart and out of the house.

I'm feeling gross, hoping it's just from cleaning up, but I don't think it is. Great.
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Old 02-24-2016, 02:29 AM
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Default Weather, please play nice??

Love1 is supposed to be over tomorrow evening, but our area faces a weather front that could make travel very dangerous. And might cut me off from my digital escapes as well via power outage potential.

I'm trying not to get too anxious about it.... but none of the limbo things are resolved yet, and new points of stress keep occuring, so my ability to keep thoughts and feelings from going extreme is very weak.

I WANT to resolve things, but reasonable times and ways to reach such points are hard to come by.

Pieces of future puzzle are being formed, but it's yet to be seen if they can be fitted together. Trying to be hopeful.

----

I have decided that one thing I'm going to do with this blog is to start working through my past. My therapist and I seem to have just enough time to keep pace with the recent bullshitery, but don't often get to touch the backstory stuff.

I've been meaning for years to start working this stuff through, even considered starting a webcomic or something but got scared I might offend loved ones, and most of it wouldn't make good comics anyway. This should be a safe place for this task. And maybe it will grant at least two loves a better understanding of me.

I'm not starting it tonight, and as most of it will likely be boring I'll title the history replies as what age ranges they span.
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Old 03-10-2016, 01:21 AM
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Red face well then... *buckles seatbelt and holds on*

Things are still good with Love1, while feeling rather avoided by Love2.

But some other limbo points have been cleared up!! I AM moving soon, sometime in April, and my housemates have been informed.

I had an exciting weekend which included going to a bar Saturday evening with two trusted friends and meeting up with a friend I haven't seen in 6+years, who I flirted ridiculously with. After a couple months of a lot of comforting and supportive touch, it was REALLY nice to find my lusty side again. I think he may be showing interest in being a relationship thing, but I'm not sure yet. I will ask when we hang out next. It's entirely possible he's using rediscovering friendship with me to distract from the feels of a recent rejection. I'm okay with this so long as everything is on the up, but I really wasn't LOOKING for more relationships till I get more limbos refigured.

*That evening started me into a mindset that is rare for me: NOT depressed, NOT manic, NOT anxious!!! Actual happy. And it lasted more than 3 full days!!! After a few months of unstable turmoil with some very elevated happies thrown in. The whole weekend and the weather all contributed to this.

Also met up with another friend to ease her stress by entertaining her littlest while she vented to me the recent dramas.

Hung out with the pair of ladies I'm less-often dating.

Then I spent a couple hours catching up with a lover who had drifted due to the busy-ness of life, we hadn't sat together to talk (or anything else) in nearly a year. We cuddled and talked and he kissed me good night when he walked me to my car. I had been wondering if there was still any "relationship" there, and now I am reassured that there is, just available times are very hard to match up, but he is voicing interest, so yey! He plans to throw a party in a couple weeks, Love1 and I will likely go!!

There are also plans for Love1 and I to go to a benefit event this weekend, which is likely to be attended by the old friend from Saturday evening.

I have an interview for a very part time, but good-fit job Friday, to which many others have applied also.

Until this evening, Depression, Mania, and Anxiety all stayed away for awhile, and it was SO NICE!!!! Now anxiety is creeping back in (I'm sure this post is rather erratic!!) and I'm telling the anxiety to fuck off and watch all the good stuff that's going on!!!! It's not listening yet.

The weather has been glorious!!! Hopefully my mood matches again soon!! *deep breathes*
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Old 03-14-2016, 02:36 PM
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Thumbs up Oh Spring *dreamy sigh*

My only real fear this weekend was that at any moment I'd wake up from the wonderful time I was having to find it had been a dream. <3

My interview Friday went well, but they choose someone else, likely someone with more personal experience with their products, which is cool!! Better service for their customers, and there must be a better thing laying ahead for me!!

Best part? they called me the next morning instead of leaving me anxiously waiting for days!!! MUCH APPRECIATION!!!

Saturday I dropped my Monkeys off to grands (to spend the weekend with them and their dad), got groceries, and buzzed around my place in an anxious-happy-mania trying to get ALL THE THINGS done so I could get pretty and go grown-uping!!!

Love1 brought dinner and came over all prettied for our SteamPunk Benefit event at bar, and after we ate she helped pull together a great outfit from my closet, helped with my hair and did my makeup. I felt really pretty!! :-) <3

We met up with 5 of my friends there and had a GREAT time!!! Which included Love1 and my old friend/ renewed crush (for now PunkGoth) getting acquainted, jiving about metal and enlightening each other a bit on world view stuffs. :-) At the end of the event Love1 and I went back to my place, enjoyed the rest of the night and got a couple hours sleep.

Sunday morning brought lazy times as we both didn't want to part, but had to. And I suddenly recalled that back 7-8 years ago I was sort of awful to PunkGoth. He was the roommate of friends of mine who I visited frequently for a couple months, I'm a VERY huggy person. He would sometimes retreat to his room and I'd persue him for hugs... (treating bipolar with antidepressants = near constant mania.... bad idea). :/

Then I got a shower and had PunkGoth come over to hang out. I promptly apologized for my aggressive affectioning of him back in the day, he confessed he had a crush on me at the time (hence running away to his room) and enjoyed it, but was really shy and intimidated by affection from a girl he liked. Said I was actually helping him break down his wall back then, so it was actually a good thing!!

We tended to a bonfire in the rain to burn up a bunch of branches and twigs that had littered the yard. It was really fun, even though we got soaked and cold!! We've both been wanting/ needing to reconnect with nature and we confessed mutual liking by me confessing I'd wanted to bite him for a week and him eagerly encouraging me to.

Turns out we are both doing the celibacy thing for different personal reasons, so there's ZERO expectations of sex-things, which let us both relax a lot!!

We had dinner, watched some BuffyTVS and I asked him if he wanted to stay the night. When it was time to turn in, he asked which couch was better for sleeping on (awe) and then we curled up in my bed and failed to sleep for a couple hours, chatting way too late then fading into sleep.

This morning we had coffee together before parting ways to get back to our M-F "daily" stuff.

We both aren't sure what this is, where it will go, and we are both okay with that!! I feel like it's a thing we both need right now. It feels good, safe and fun, and we will enjoy it for however long it lasts!!

-----

Still no word from Love2. I suppose avoidance is one way to finalize a potential breaking up.... but it's a shitty one. Trying not to dwell on it because it really bothers me and I do NOT want to feel jaded!! Can I at least have my friend back, even if he's not my boyfriend anymore??
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Old 03-31-2016, 12:13 PM
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LostPixie LostPixie is offline
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Default NRE!!! Ah, new Lust!!

Oh to feel like a rambunctious teen again at 30!! Such a silly thrill!!

Monkey 1 was at school, Monkey 2 was napping, my grands were off taking a load to their new condo. GothPunk had come over to grands (which is about to be mine) to hang out.

We were not expecting my grands to pull up the drive and had that awkward "just got walked in on" feeling, as we had been making out on the couch.

It was so silly, but also quite thrilling.

He's going to help me move some boxes today and we are going to do a picnic lunch, in my living room since it's raining all day. :-)

---

I KNOW it's NRE, but it feels like full fledged love right now, we both WANT to say big things, but we both know it's far too soon. I hope the love-type feels are long-lasting. And the timing is very good all around. I knew I was leaning too heavily on Love1, though I tried not to. And with big shifts (moving, spacing out therapy twice as far, about to get psych evaluation) I have been needing more support with my world, and frankly, with my Mokeys.

They know we are moving, but the chaos involved seems to be making them very crazy, and they are acting out almost every minute that I'm the only adult present. Getting moved, settled enough, and all of us getting more sleep should help!!

BTW, my Monkeys could be well described as "Gram and Pa addicts." So a lot of the issues they are having stem from grands being so busy.
-----

Well, I've posted on Love1's blog, and she's linked her signature to mine, so.... I'll be writing up a cast list soon.
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  #9  
Old 04-07-2016, 07:10 PM
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Default Cross link to new post I made asking help

Mostly for my own reference.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...992#post325992
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