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  #21  
Old 07-19-2013, 12:19 PM
london london is offline
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Nope, nothing to do with that. As soon as someone wants to spend quality time with me in view of assessing our compatibility for a romantic and/or sexual relationship, it's my responsibility as an ethically non monogamous person to tell that person that I am involved with others and/or monogamy will not be a part of my future. There will be very few guys on a dating site, for example, that would want to meet me having already definitely excluded sex and/or a romantic relationship thus rendering my relationship status and style irrelevant to our meeting.
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  #22  
Old 07-19-2013, 12:43 PM
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When Murf and I first met though mutual car friends we chit chatted at a few different events we were both at. Well then one day he asked if I wanted to go for a motorcycle ride and get something to eat one day. That is the point I told him.
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  #23  
Old 07-19-2013, 02:20 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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I see it the same way as my asexuality - to be discussed at the very latest on the first date, and preferrably before that first date even starts. Anything else would make me feel that I had it coming if and when I get called out for "leading them on". I really don't see the point in not describing the sitch honestly as it is, right from the start.
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  #24  
Old 07-19-2013, 08:56 PM
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I've only ever dated people from okc since I split with my ex husband, so yeah. I mention ethical non-monogamy on my okc profile, and only date people who have actually read my profile.

Generally if their first couple PMs are interesting, we chat online and my relationship status (I have a live-in gf and a bf nearby) is soon revealed. I don't date someone under an 85% match, so chances are this potential match is poly too, or cool with it at least.
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  #25  
Old 07-19-2013, 09:55 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I also think this is largely an "It depends, use your own judgement" kind of question.

There can not be one hard and fast rule that will be best for each and every person in each and every dating/romantic/life situation. Some people have jobs that require them to exercise a little more discretion. Others prioritize their family and living arrangements and need everyone to know the scoop up front.

Your own situation will dictate the best course of action for when and how you broach the subject. Perhaps you'll want to bring up non-monogamy in a hypothetical setting. Perhaps you'll want to casually mention your partner the way you would to any co-worker or friend, as a given, to see if they pick up on it and how they react.

At the end of the day, you have to do what feels best for you. If someone feels led on or tricked, chances are there were other incompatibility issues anyway and this is just one of many ways it could have failed to launch.
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  #26  
Old 07-20-2013, 02:23 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
As soon as someone wants to spend quality time with me in view of assessing our compatibility for a romantic and/or sexual relationship . . .
Yes, but it can take a few dates to get to that point (where someone expresses interest or desire for a relationship), in my experience. That's why I say there is no formula like such as "the talk must happen before going out" or on the first date. I just go with the flow and see what indications there are that there is mutual interest/compatibility/desire and talk about it when that becomes evident. Like I said, for me, it could happen on the first date, or we could wake up in bed together a few mornings before that discussion organically happens.
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  #27  
Old 07-20-2013, 03:39 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, but it can take a few dates to get to that point (where someone expresses interest or desire for a relationship), in my experience. That's why I say there is no formula like such as "the talk must happen before going out" or on the first date. I just go with the flow and see what indications there are that there is mutual interest/compatibility/desire and talk about it when that becomes evident. Like I said, for me, it could happen on the first date, or we could wake up in bed together a few mornings before that discussion organically happens.
You are assessing romantic compatibility from the very first date. Dinner with a friend isn't a date. Dinner with a group of friends isn't a date. When someone asks you to spend time with them alone, or perhaps on a double date with another couple, they are asking you purely because they enjoy spending time with you thus far and want to assess if you are compatible for more than the friendship you are developing, or already have. Withholding information that may affect their conclusion about how compatible you are once someone has asked you out to dinner or the like in these circumstances isn't good ethical practice, in my opinion.

I already gave you an example from a dating site, but if it was a casual acquaintance, a friend of a friend who I know from social events and he invited me out for dinner when we met at a friends BBQ, for example, it would be my job to tell him right then. I'd tell him then that I have open relationships only so he can decide if he still wants to go out for dinner, or if we leave it as we are now, casual acquaintances, because non monogamy isn't something he wants to be a part of. He isn't taking me out for dinner for any other reason that to assess our romantic compatibility. I have information that may affect his perception of our compatibility. It would only be ethical to provide him with that.

Quote:
In my experience, I have broached the subject of non-exclusivity (I rarely use the word "polyamory") in a variety of situations - on a first date, a second date, a third date, and even after waking up next to the guy in the morning. The key for me is, I tell them when I begin sense that we like each other a lot and want to keep seeing each other and move toward becoming something. I really don't see it as necessary before that point.
I think tonnes of us would be mighty upset if the person we woke up with suddenly told us that they were married and cheating, so I don't understand why anyone would believe that it is okay to withhold the fact that you are ethically non monogamous, possibly involved with others, and have no intention of ever having a monogamous relationship.
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  #28  
Old 07-20-2013, 04:52 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I don't like the implication that we have an obligation to protect monogamous people from the "horrible" experience of going on a date with a non-monogamous person. That makes it seem like being non-monogamous is so awful and so unusual that we must be honor-bound to explain it right away so that no one wastes their precious time with us under "false pretenses."

On the other hand, I do explain as soon as possible that I'm non-monogamous because I don't want to waste MY time with someone who is going to be horrified and disgusted by me.

However, relationship style is only one of the MANY things that people find out about each other through dating. There really is no one set rule about when you have to reveal things about yourself...it depends on the circumstances.

When do I reveal that I'm 32 and back living with my parents? When do I explain that I'm only just now feeling recovered from a bad break-up three years ago, and that I spent over two years in deep depression because of it? When do I say that I don't want kids and that my main life goal is to live alone? Some of that is way too much information BEFORE we even go on a date. Other stuff (wanting to live alone and not wanting kids) is all over my OKC profile; but if I met someone at a party and he asked me out for coffee the next day, it would be really weird and presumptuous if I said, "Just so you know, I don't ever want kids!" BEFORE the coffee date.

There might be circumstances where people do want to explain something like that before a first date. Like, a single parent might want any prospective dates to know that they have kids before any date can happen. On the other hand, if a single parent meets someone and has a night of casual sex, are they obligated to explain that they have a kid? Maybe only the next morning, when they discuss whether they want to see other again or not.

I have found that in the world of single-and-dating, casual dating, "dating around," non-exclusive dating, etc, where there is no assumption of exclusivity before sexual activity takes place, there is no obligation to explain EVERYTHING about yourself immediately. Part of the fun of dating that way is the sense of mystery, the "naturalness" of getting to know each other with no expectation of serious commitment until & unless you get to know each other well enough to know you're compatible.

My point is that there are different approaches to dating (as NYCindie said), and it doesn't make sense to be judgmental about when one reveals their relationship style.
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  #29  
Old 07-20-2013, 07:07 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I think tonnes of us would be mighty upset if the person we woke up with suddenly told us that they were married and cheating, so I don't understand why anyone would believe that it is okay to withhold the fact that you are ethically non monogamous, possibly involved with others, and have no intention of ever having a monogamous relationship.
Well, you're just being dense and argumentative now. I ALREADY stated that it's different for married people. I ALREADY stated I am solo. I have ONLY stated this is how I approach it. I NEVER said I was recommending anyone else do it the way I do. I don't date only to "assess romantic possibilities" (I am not into romance per se, but that's another topic); I date because someone seems interesting and I think I'd like to get to know him or he seems like good company to do something fun with.

You've made your point, and I've clarified mine, so stop being so obtuse. You're becoming tedious.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
. . . in the world of single-and-dating, casual dating, "dating around," non-exclusive dating, etc, where there is no assumption of exclusivity before sexual activity takes place, there is no obligation to explain EVERYTHING about yourself immediately. Part of the fun of dating that way is the sense of mystery, the "naturalness" of getting to know each other with no expectation of serious commitment until & unless you get to know each other well enough to know you're compatible.
Exactly.



Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
At the end of the day, you have to do what feels best for you. If someone feels led on or tricked, chances are there were other incompatibility issues anyway and this is just one of many ways it could have failed to launch.
Good point. I don't get along with people who are always so quick to take offense at things. You get disappointing news, deal with it and move on. If someone has hopes about being with me and doesn't want to accept my being non-monogamous, they'll live. I would hope that a few coffee dates or dinners out with me would still be something they enjoyed. If they're going to be indulging in self-pity and feeling deceived because I didn't lay out everything I'm all about right away, they're not my kind of guy. I don't dig uptight people.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-20-2013 at 07:19 PM.
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  #30  
Old 07-20-2013, 08:24 PM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
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It IS different for everyone & every circumstance. And if my husband's experience is a good example (as well as a couple thread themes on this forum) it's much harder for married men to find compatible female companions.

But let me get this straight; we are dealing with ADULTS right? Part of dating is "trying people on for size & seeing if they fit.... not living with them, not marrying them; Dating them".

Some people decide outright they won't date a married person or someone with HPV or HIV or someone who's from a certain country or whatever... They make the decision before they meet someone who may actually be a great fit in their life. Sometimes people need to meet someone awesome who they might not have entertained as a mate option in order to entertain a change in philosophy.

Because of the stigma and programming of our society, some people close themselves off to options and the only way they MIGHT open up their options is to meet someone who lights them up, turns them on....

Yes, it might not work out or they might not be compatible and/or someone's fee fees might get a little bruised. Yes, instead of opening their mind someone might feel keeping relationship status in hand for the first couple dates might be unethical. And some may have a hard limit and not be open to it at all and be pissed. Its all part of dating ADULTS!!

I'd venture to guess if someone is really into smoking pot regularly or they're a cross dresser or really kinky or they howl at the moon every equinox they may not disclose those tendencies for a couple dates, again just to see if there's even a chance
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