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  #11  
Old 07-19-2013, 01:11 AM
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Originally Posted by baughb View Post
A and I have been acquaintances for years, and I know that A has casually dated several women at one time previously himself, and has always been upfront about his wants.
That does change the nature of the conversation quite a bit, but still I don't see any reason to put it off if... but I'm not in the closet so my opinion may not be relevant in this situation.
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  #12  
Old 07-19-2013, 01:48 AM
baughb baughb is offline
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Thanks for the imput. I'll definitely keep it in mind... if I ever have another date with A. At the rate we're going, it's been a month since we had a date, might be another before the next.. it might end up being a non issue. But helpful things to remember for the future. It is very easy for me to forget about the emotions of someone I'm not invested in (I realize that sounds harsh, but it's the easiest truth).
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  #13  
Old 07-19-2013, 03:48 AM
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I am not in the "must have a rule to tell them right away" camp. I think it depends on how you approach dating. To me, I would feel like I'm being a little conceited if I had to make an announcement that I am seeing other people before even going out with someone. "I know you want me, so here's the deal." It seems premature and somewhat presumptuous, if I don't even know whether I will hit it off with someone or not. I wanna see if there's a mutual attraction and compatibility first.

But that is mostly because I am a solo poly person, not partnered, and I don't look at dating as a way to audition someone for a long-term relationship. I look at a date as a way to spend some time and get to know someone. I don't think it's necessary to get into a heavy discussion about life, love, and relationships on a first date - in fact, I've found that talking about that shit is usually a mood killer for most guys.

Of course, I would answer any questions or respond if the other person brought it up, or bring it up myself if it felt appropriate to our conversation at a given moment, but I don't feel like it's an obligation on my part to get it out of the way immediately, nor deceptive if I do not. I can't stand when people get all judgy about that. For married polyfolk, of course, dating is an entirely different ballgame!

I prefer to just go out and enjoy being out with someone, see if I enjoy their company, and let the conversation flow where it may! There are plenty of times I've gone out on dates and the topic of dating and/or relationships just never came up because we were involved in talking about other things - there's a lot going on in the world!

In my experience, I have broached the subject of non-exclusivity (I rarely use the word "polyamory") in a variety of situations - on a first date, a second date, a third date, and even after waking up next to the guy in the morning. The key for me is, I tell them when I begin sense that we like each other a lot and want to keep seeing each other and move toward becoming something. I really don't see it as necessary before that point.

By the way, there have been several discussions on this before. If you want to read some more viewpoints from older threads, here are some to start you off:

When and how do you tell them?

Online Dating...When to Mention Poly?

Time to tell a new partner you're in a relationship?

How do you bring up poly?

Telling a non-poly "date" about myself

How/when to bring up an interest in poly?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-19-2013 at 03:58 AM.
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  #14  
Old 07-19-2013, 03:55 AM
baughb baughb is offline
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thank you for the links! I will definitely read those. I'm kind of message board inept and forget about searching.
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  #15  
Old 07-19-2013, 04:26 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I am not in the "must have a rule to tell them right away" camp. I think it depends on how you approach dating.
That's a fair clarification. In my life, the fact that I am a skeptic, individualist, atheist, and non-monogamist are all closely related and the source of these states is a fundamental part of who I am. So for me it isn't about how long I plan on dating someone necessarily, but even if I'm meeting a new friend there is no point in my putting off discussing these ideas. I want to know what makes them tick and if they want to know what makes me tick - these topics are almost certainly going to come up. I mean, if we're having fun talking about movies and the weather (or whatever) then awesome, but there is just no way that with any amount of communication that IV and my starkly skeptical world view aren't going to become readily apparent.

As I learned more about the position of the OP, that she really had almost no contact with this person and they don't mean anything to her, that she was simply asking hypothetically, I realized it was a non-issue. I don't make a point to tell casual acquaintances and strangers anything "on purpose" as I don't really care what they think. I presumed that since there was a topic about it we were talking about more than casual acquaintance but that was incorrect.
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  #16  
Old 07-19-2013, 04:32 AM
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For me-I am already busy with responsibilities to two other live-in loves and 2 children. So my time is not my own.
BUT even if I were a single poly, I wouldn't date without ensuring upfront that they know I am not interested in a monogamous relationship-period.
I don't want to get emotionally attached to someone with expectatiions i know in advance I can't fulfill.
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  #17  
Old 07-19-2013, 04:45 AM
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From the very start.
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  #18  
Old 07-19-2013, 04:50 AM
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Just because i am not "solo" does not mean i only consider "serious" relationships. Just because people know i am in open relationships right away doesn't mean i am "auditioning" them. I do not "look for" people "to date". It's like what LR said in that other thread you moved into a blog, i can't reemember what it was but it was right on.

Seriously though. I am so hot right now everyone wonders what my deal is. I am not making this up. I am just telling it like it is. At least one person on here knows i am not exaggerating.
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  #19  
Old 07-19-2013, 09:35 AM
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I have only read page 1 but there are ethical issues here. What about if A wouldn't of had these dates with you if A knew you were otherwise attached? To me, you have invalidated the consensual part of consensual non monogamy.
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  #20  
Old 07-19-2013, 10:17 AM
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It's good to get clear on how people view dating when they ask questions like this. There was a very, very long thread on the forums at OKC where people discussed what dating means to them. There were posts predominantly from both Americans and Europeans. It became quite obvious that, for most of the people who weighed in from Europe and the UK, the word "dating" means something different from what it means to many Americans (I don't recall if there were any posts from Canadians or people in other continents).

All the Europeans who posted to that thread said that dating is something you do after you have some sort of a commitment to a relationship. Lots of Americans think of it as spending time with someone before there is a commitment. It's basically a "try out" period, during which one figures out whether or not they want to move forward to something more serious. To many Americans, dating can include brief, casual meetings for coffee or a cocktail, going out to dinner, a visit to a museum, etc., just to get to know someone.

In that thread, most of the Europeans said they would never call a meeting to have coffee with someone a "date." They don't think of going to the movies with someone you're still getting to know as "dating." To them, dating is something you do when it's already "serious" or "committed."

But, although it seems that most Americans see it as a try-out period, I remember there was a fair amount of people who also see dating as something to do without trying to make it more serious. Dating as an activity, I guess you can say. You go out and do things together, and can be sexually involved, without having any commitment to a long term relationship. That's why I say I don't use dates as auditions for a larger role in my life. I just like dating as a way to get out and meet people, do fun things, and enjoy the other's company without pushing toward a goal. Then there are also many Americans who have more of the European view (or at least, the European view as expressed in that discussion) and don't date unless there is the intention to become serious.

To say it's not consensual or ethical if the person isn't told right way seems to imply some sort of assumption that a kind of commitment exists beforehand. If it's just a casual get-to-know-you period, I don't see how not mentioning it right away is necessarily unethical. I may not have remembered everything I read in that OKC thread exactly right, but I do think that one's views on what constitutes "dating" is one factor (the other being whether one is married or not) in how soon you tell someone you are non-monogamous.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-19-2013 at 10:30 AM.
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