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  #11  
Old 08-02-2013, 05:04 AM
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Yep, they are brothers. And actually, my husband wanted me to ask the question on here (Even though he's a member on this board as well) about if anyone had heard of a woman dating brothers before. He is accepting of it, but feels odd about it too, as if even in this world it is taboo. I really don't know. I have no siblings myself...I can see from Neverwhere's perspective how it might seem off....I"m trying to look at it from all sides.

In the meantime, Mark and I are taking things slow and haven't even had an official date yet. But I will definitely take a look at that article. I don't even know if you can classify what we have going on in this household with an ex wife, two brothers, and me, the new wife. So different from what I've seen, in my limited poly experience.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #12  
Old 08-04-2013, 04:50 AM
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It's nice you guys have found a way to make that work. May I ask why you each support two houses? I thought at first one was for the ex wife, but you said she moved back in so I'm just curious.
Although I consider Richard my primary partner and we are planning our retirement together, we have never shared a home. We do spend time at each others houses. When we met (10 years ago) we had each just built our houses (the main ones that we live in). Since then, we have each purchased an investment property. He lives part time in each of his houses because of his job. I live in my main house and spend time occasionally at my beach house.

It is pretty interesting for his ex to be at his main house when I am there- which has been a lot lately. We work together to make his life more comfortable and he does the same for each of us!
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  #13  
Old 08-12-2013, 03:42 PM
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This week has been great at our house, probably the smoothest since we started this experiment. Before that we were all really struggling with some jealousy over small issues and while jealousy still comes up from time to time, it's often quickly solved and remedied.

I'm still impressed by how far Neverwhere has come in his journey. I was the one initially interested in poly for many years. He always swore he could never do it. Now...he is so comfortable with it, it's like it was meant to be. Like the four of us (Neverwhere, myself, his ex and my BIL) have been leading up to this for our entire lives.

Mark (BIL) and I actually dated six years ago and when it didn't work out, he introduced me to his brother, Neverwhere. And of course Amanda and Neverwhere's marriage lasted quite a while (10 years) and they had some good times, but it ended really badly. It was like we were all waiting to mature and grow as individuals before we could make this all work together.

Mark and I had our first date (well, I guess our first since we started poly) last Monday and then we were also able to go out this past Saturday as well. Amanda and Neverwhere spent those evenings together at home with our children.

The kids have adjusted wonderfully to this new life we have in our household. They're happy to see both their bio parents happy and friendly and spending time together. They also think nothing of seeing their uncle give me a hug and a kiss when he gets home from work, since he gives one to their mom as well. I haven't seen the kids this well adjusted in years. They have new life in them!

The entire house has been reading "The 5 Love Languages" and it has helped with our communication in the household. Even Mark and Amanda, who are not romantically involved.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #14  
Old 08-28-2013, 02:05 PM
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The last few days have been stressful here and we're not even sure why. Nothing earth shattering...but Neverwhere and I have been on edge. It's one thing to go out on dates but when your dates live with you...the silliest things bother you.

I got extremely annoyed with Amanda the other day. I know her feelings on this are more that she and I are sister wives, but that's simply not the case for Neverwhere and I. We are each others primaries while Amanda and Mark are secondaries. They're very important to us and we are loyal to our household here and put their needs above someone else we may be casually dating, but Neverwhere and I are still each others main focus.

Our kids (2 of my stepsons) are playing baseball for the town this season. We also home school them. Previously it was always me who took them to everything and took charge of their schooling. Amanda hasn't had a license in many years and I don't think she's ever owned a car. So it was always me. She would have them for 2 days of school and I as their stepmom had them for 3 and she still wouldn't get the follow up work done on her days.

Now she has gone to a couple baseball practices without me (Neverwhere and Mark are coaching) and has acted as Neverwhere's wife at these practices. That is very hard for me. It's harder still to watch her do these fun things and yet yesterday when I gently suggested she might want to go to her son's dentist appointment witg him to get a filling she showed no interest. And this past week while I've done lesson plans she's shown zero interest as well. It's nice she trusts me but...

As I said in one of my previous entries, the difficulty doesn't come from my husband having sex with someone else; it's because of the every day little annoyances.

Neverwhere gets the same way with Mark but I'll let him write about that if he ever feels he wants to.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #15  
Old 08-28-2013, 03:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JadeDoor View Post
Now she has gone to a couple baseball practices without me (Neverwhere and Mark are coaching) and has acted as Neverwhere's wife at these practices. That is very hard for me. It's harder still to watch her do these fun things and yet yesterday when I gently suggested she might want to go to her son's dentist appointment witg him to get a filling she showed no interest. And this past week while I've done lesson plans she's shown zero interest as well. It's nice she trusts me but...
Hi. Love your blog.

It seems to me she's more interested in Neverwhere than her own children. Yes, she went to their baseball game, but not to root for the kids but as her ex's "wife". When given the opportunity to be responsible for her kids, she left it up to you.

I think this aspect of Amanda will blow up in your guys' faces, sooner than later too. It seems she has no underlying motives and is just "being" but your household needs to get back to communicating about parenting expectations, responsibilities, etc. If she's out there for "show" to the public than she needs to take on more of the child rearing in the home as well.

I'm not sure how much you and Neverwhere want on boundaries but it sounds like Amanda does not get the difference between primary and secondary. And you may need to take a step back and look at the world in her shoes. She was his first wife, she thinks of the two of you as sister wives (not what you and your husband want) and so she's probably having expectations (not spoken) about where this relationship with her ex will be in the long term.

I clicked on this yesterday and it gave a great description of types of poly relationships. MODELS. Maybe print it off and have all four of the adults read through it. It might help with the understanding of primary and secondary.
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My poly groups:

the muse (me) - 40's F poly
bassman - 40's M, poly, husband, seeing wild orchid
Sir - 40's M, my Dom, ldr - has many minions
wild orchid - 40's F poly, married to dude seeing bassman
dude - 40's M hub to wild orchid seeing messa
messa - mono, 30's F seeing dude
MY BLOG

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 08-29-2013 at 12:49 AM.
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  #16  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
Hi. Love your blog.

It seems to me she's more interested in Neverwhere than her own children. Yes, she went to their baseball game, but not to root for the kids but as her ex's "wife". When given the opportunity to be responsible for her kids, she left it up to you.
This has always been an issue between her and I. I am a control freak so I never minded doing all the hard work, but now we all live together and should share it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
I think this aspect of Amanda will blow up in your guys' faces, sooner than later too.
It has now. Exactly as you said. The parenting expectations are WAY off base from one another. We are getting more on track now. I'll explain more in my next post.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #17  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:48 PM
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Things have been up and down, but all four adults now seem to be on the same page about what we WANT. We're just trying to GET there.

Neverwhere, Amanda and I went to our family counselor together. Amanda had never been despite being diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. It was hard for her. Her mother raised her to be afraid to speak up for herself or about thoughts and ideas,, called her stupid all the time, was just very cruel and abusive to her.

So for Amanda to think about opening up now.... she knows it will take a lot of work and she is TERRIFIED. I am trying to be very supportive of her and our friendship has grown through that. She now realizes she and Neverwhere are not primaries and I think that is hard for her but she gets it. She doesn't understand fully who he is NOW and she is trying to catch up. They had a bad marriage and it's odd for her to see him being so sweet and nice to her, to me, etc. She gets uncomfortable.

Things between Mark and I are going well. We've had a few disagreements, but that's to be expected. I think it's been hard for NEverwhere to see how easy that relationship is. He expected that he and Amanda would never fight and would have the easy relationship in the house. What was there to fight about? They're divorced. They're just dating now. They don't share finances or a lot of responsibilities beyond the kids. But yet they are the most difficult in the house. So it's been hard for Neverwhere to see Mark and I kind of breezing through it. He's been supportive, though. And we are all hoping for things to settle between him and Amanda.

Amanda and Neverwhere have a therapy appointment coming up this Thursday and I have high hopes for it. She requested it so perhaps she is ready to open up a little bit more to him. I hope that for both of them.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #18  
Old 10-13-2013, 08:23 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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I guess I shouldn't have had such high hopes for the therapist. Amanda broke up with my husband at the therapist's office. She said she needs to do work on herself. Neverwhere told her that she would always have an open place as his secondary. He's not sure if he feels that way now, four days later.

She is going to continue living with us. They share kids together and this way the kids don't have to shuffle back and forth. But it's been very difficult on my husband. And on me. And on my boyfriend, because he's stressed now too wondering what his place will be.

neverwhere isn't dating anyone else at the moment and hasn't had much luck finding anyone interested in poly in our area, even on OKC. I feel so badly for him and my heart hurts.

I can hope that Amanda comes around and through work with our family therapist is able to realize what it is she wants, but that could take months or years. In the meantime, my husband is frustrated and heartbroken and the rest of us don't feel much better.
__________________
--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #19  
Old 10-14-2013, 04:49 AM
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Quote:
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I guess I shouldn't have had such high hopes for the therapist.
I probably wouldn't blame the therapist- she/he probably just brought everything to light.....things that would have come up eventually anyway.

It is unlikely that divorced people would be able to get back together without actively working on the underlying issues that caused the divorce in the first place.

Not sure if that work is going to be possible with them being in the same household.

I know you guys are still pretty young and that you had/have high hopes for this relationship configuration, which is great.

Polyamory is great- however it is difficult and requires emotional maturity to pull it off. Emotional maturity is earned through time by working on issues as they arise. It is hard enough to maintain a healthy relationship between two people, and when you add two more people- an ex and a brother- there is bound to be issues and drama. Welcome to polyamory!!!

Best wishes for all of you and keep sharing! It is possible!!
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  #20  
Old 10-14-2013, 01:55 PM
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Sorry, that was unclear. Not blaming our therapist. She's amazing. Just meant I had very different types about how that therapy session would go. Or therapist is very helpful and thinks we're all pretty amazing for attempting what we are.

Honestly I don't know if Amanda has it in her to make the personal growth that is necessary to be romantically involved with ANYONE, let alone her ex.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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