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Old 12-15-2014, 05:04 AM
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EmptyCloud EmptyCloud is offline
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Post It's just logical

Hi all, EmptyCloud here. My alias doesn't mean anything much as it's a new one for me, so don't go reading anything into it just yet
I'm not sure yet whether I'm looking for help or not, but I know how helpful it can be to put into words what I'm thinking, and perhaps my journey both heretofore and ongoing might help someone else.

A bit about me and mine:
Me: F/30, a few previous bf/encounters
P: M/29, I am his first and only F, some M encounters
H: M/30, our shared ongoing occasional encounter, 5+ years and close friend
DD: F/toddler, P + myself first child

I'm somewhat (but not really) new to the idea of poly-*. Actually, it wasn't myself but rather my partner (we'll call him P) who introduced me to the idea several years ago. Initially he was interested in someone else as well as deeply in love with me, and he introduced my to the idea of poly through his own initial research on the internet when he was curious if something was wrong with him (now we know there isn't ).

We have always had excellent communication and honesty, per the fundamental tenets of our relationship from day one. I'd had some not-so-great relationships in the past, so it was both scary and refreshing to have one that is based on a strong core. Thusly, when he came to me admitting he was interested in someone else in addition to me, I was initially...not upset, but rather I was confused about how something like that could happen and be healthy. After many, many discussions and research on my own, I started to realize that at least for me, poly tenets are a superior social structure. To me, the tenets of poly should be the foundation for any good relationship, monogamous or otherwise.

As I researched more, and confronted my own demons from past relationships, I came to discover that perhaps not built-in to me as is, say, homosexuality (I am 80% straight), the poly life is just simply more logical and flexible (no pun intended). I've found it frees many relationships from "artificially being boxed in", and even just practicing the tenets that make poly work can help many monogamous couples. I have gone from being slightly cautious and prone to mild jealousy to a more open and less suspicious approach.

Recently, P has moved on from his initial interest to another, and neither have worked out because neither relationship was nurtured as even friends for various reasons (distance, other social circles, work, other engagements), which he is still disappointed about. In fact, lately it appears both publicly and to myself that I am more likely to make the first real move on someone outside our relationship. I've started to experience mild infatuation with a fellow, A, that we know through work-based friends. A has never been in a relationship as far as I know, although family members of his try to set him up. I know it is infatuation, so I try to nurture healthy actions around and about him: not monopolizing his time, nurturing my relationship with P, doing things that aren't simply pursuing A, and so on. I just realized in the past few weeks what I was feeling, so this is still new territory to me. I have had encounters with other men besides P, with and without him, including our ongoing sexual encounters with H; H is also a good mutual friend, but I have no romantic interest in him.

Sorry for the ramblings, I'm trying to both clarify things for myself and give a bit of context.

Anyway, so I've found myself experiencing a lot of interest in A. What is new about my daydreams is that they are not all sexual...he was sick recently and I had an intense urge to go help take care of him. I want to spend time with him learning about him, sharing experiences with him. Of course there are also things that are of a more adult nature
I told P recently that I may have a crush on someone, and he was excited and curious, but didn't pry. I'm hesitant to clarify who it is, for fear of him treating me or A differently. Right now I'm just enjoying the excitement of having a crush, and exploring how my feelings match up with my thoughts on poly. I'm trying not to use poly as an excuse to go after A. In fact, I find that poly may complicate things with A, because I'm not sure how to approach him and find out if he has reciprocal feelings, because along with that conversation will be the "but aren't you already in a relationship with P, with a kid!?" conversation, which I am afraid will lead to the "I'm not ready to be a second fiddle just as a plaything" conversation. I have no idea if A will accept and reciprocate or explore my feelings towards him, and of course I don't want to damage the friendship we already have.

Things complicating the situation even more (besides the kiddo), are that P and I haven't been having sex very often since DD came along, due to both physical and other issues from having a baby. What I have found exciting me (recently as well as in the past) are shared encounters, usually with H; the idea of sharing and being shared is very exciting, and is another area where P and I have evolved a LOT since first getting together. He loves sharing me, and the idea of me with other men both with and without him really gets him going (I've done both). So, I want to believe myself that having A is not just another manifestation of this sharing before moving forward on anything, and that "having" A won't make P upset that I'm getting off with A instead of him.

P is also fully behind the idea of poly from a relationship side, and he would love to be in some kind of relationship. We aren't looking just for the sake of being in a poly relationship though, we both agree that we want to actually want the new person(s), and then go from there. We aren't looking for poly people just because they are already informed and bought in, but we are looking for people we are interested in first.

P and I have discussed in GREAT detail various aspects of a poly relationship, and what we have determined is that at this point, it is not useful or healthy to make rules before even having another person to consider, in part because it isn't fair to that person to come into predefined rules without a say, and also because each person/relationship/situation is unique and thus boundaries/rules/guidelines/tenets are unique to it. For example, we have only one rule between us: communication, honestly. Of course there are discussions like "fluid bonding", sex in general, intimacy, dates, but each and every one of our conversations about these topics ends up in: just be honest, and communicate deeply and often. Thankfully we are very practiced in that in our relationship



Aaaannnyyway...long introduction, and the obligatory "I don't know when the next update is coming", but already I feel better getting all this out. I've also discovered a bit about why I haven't move forward with A yet just by putting it down into words rather than indistinct hunches. Am I way off base with anything? Am I too cautious, not cautious enough? Anyone else had/having a similar experience?
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Old 12-17-2014, 03:18 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi EmptyCloud,

Sounds like you have thought things through, and I am sure you'll do fine with A. Franklin Veaux has published an excellent book, "More Than Two;" you might want to read it. Tristan Taormino has also published a really good book, "Opening Up;" you might find that helpful also.

I enjoyed your introduction, and look forward to future updates.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 12-17-2014, 09:50 PM
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EmptyCloud EmptyCloud is offline
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Thanks for the book recommendations. I've seen mentions of them on another site, but it's nice to get a specific recommendation for them.

I've also seen references to "The Secret History of Wonder Woman" by Jill Lepore, about Wonder Woman's creator who is said to have been in a triad.
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H: M, friend and occasional fwb
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Old 12-18-2014, 01:24 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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That's interesting. So often famous people are in poly relationships and we don't even hear about it.
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