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Old 07-17-2013, 10:19 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default entering any form of non-monogamy with spouse

whom you were not previously non-monogamous with is extremely hard. If you are not patient and understanding it could blow up. You both have to spend a good amount of time in reflection about your emotions because they will lie to you in the heat of the moment.

The worst part is, just plain common mistakes that most people make, combined with a little bit of being hutt hurt and egos, many couples wreck the relationship during the transition and so much unnecessary pain is caused that it is too much to salvage.

I think it is better for couples to understand that it is NOT going to be fun for a year or two unless your guys are that close, and take to poly like a fish to water, especially with young children, as raising kids often is enough to seriously strain a marriage.

But if you are going to stay together, it takes more work than any relationship would ever seem worth it. You just have to remember that it only requires that much exhausting and emotional effort to get you through the transition.

Online forums can only get you so far, if you know others personally who can help you get through it, it would help.

but you cannot create situations where you are gong to resent her, like leaving you home without a car. You either have to find a way to deal with it or else find a way vent, but you are setting yourself up for failure.

You have to find a way that works for you guys. For some people that means just dabbling in swinging and then deciding it's too much.

Some people can only handle it when the get to know their spouses bf/gf and only because there is a hell of a lot of mutual respect, and the bf/gf is as patient as you need for the sixth months or whatever.

But if you don't find a way that works, you will damage your relationship beyond repair, unless that is, you become the couple that lives together as a formality but their relationship ends up little more than roomates they don't see that often

the transition is not easy, DO NOT LET ANY reoccurring negative emotions go undealt with, even the little things. Only you will know what you can and can't handle, and if you are having this much trouble, the thing that can have the most positive effect is your spouse and her boyfriend going the extra mile to make sure you are dealing with things ok.

A lot of people here say that it isn't their responsibility, and it isn't, but things are the most hassle free when everyone carries a part of the transition burden

sorry bout the typos, I am in a horrible mood

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 07-17-2013 at 10:25 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 07-17-2013, 10:49 PM
Amnati Amnati is offline
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 20

Thanks for the response. I can relate to a horrible mood. I hope things get better for you.
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Old 07-17-2013, 11:13 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,640

Originally Posted by Amnati View Post
I hope things get better for you.
Don't hold your breath.
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Old 07-18-2013, 03:11 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510
Default kid ideas

plant a garden (inside or out)-use it as a lesson on growth, plants, flowers, patience. Narsturtium (forgive if spelling is wrong) grow well inside and out with little care and fairly quickly-common one used in schools.

library story time
library just the two of you time
movie time
start taking walks
find local hikes
local gardens
practice riding a bike
place where you can watch a sports game outside? Maybe a little leagues game
bowling (even little kids enjoy bowling)
play kid music-turned up loud and dance together
arts and crafts stores have TONS of ready made projects to do with kids-
local attractions no one goes to except people who don't live there
local farms? or vegetable gardens
some cities are doing public veggie gardens now
got a camera? make a game of going out and taking turns choosing what to take a picture of-then print and put in an album of "our experiences" with a little blip about why you took each pic (can also be done as an online album)
legos, blocks-anything to build things with
capture bugs and investigate what kind they are-look them up online or at the library to find out more about them.

write letters (to distant relatives or a penpal-drawing pics to mail too)-several fb pages exist for exchanging postcards with kids from other places.. a homeschool one a friend found is

They also do a thing where you draw a pic of yourself and mail it to someone and then they take it on a "trip" to their local sites and write notes about what they saw/did and then mail it back-so you can learn more about other places.

volunteer at a soup kitchen, homeless shelter or the like-the people almost always adore small children and the children learn to really appreciate what they have-without being TOLD to because they see others with more need.

Also-childrens department of a hospital is a good place for that. Taking colored photos for the kids there to hang up, taking uncolored pages to color with them-they love meeting new people. Again-also a good lesson for young children-without a "lecture" and helping, friendliness and kindness seems to come more natural at those younger ages...
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 07-22-2013, 12:45 PM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

I wants to have sex on every date. If I know that we actually can't have sex, I'd be pissed so before every and any date, I think about where we will shag beforehand.

Do you actually need advice on how to look after/entertain your kid? I can't see you asking for that so I won't be patronising enough to give any. I think that what one should bear in mind is that she may well be acting completely irresponsibly and ignoring your concerns. You may now be left thinking your concerns/needs are unreasonable when they aren't at all.

Does she give you the space, time and support you need to dater someone else?
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Old 07-22-2013, 05:30 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122

Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Stop the tit for tat, keeping score, etc.

You have every right to ask for what you need. But you have no right to get anything from her relationship. Stop with the well you owe me x because you got y. All it does is make her feel like she is being blackmailed emotionally. Again you have every right to ask for what you need from her. You have no right to assign a price to her relationship with her boyfriend.

As someone who is an introvert who is married to a man like you. The quickest way to get pushed out of our lives is be emotionally clingy. My husband almost successfully pushed me right out of our marriage.

I am also a more introverted person and my husband has been struggling much like you are, OP. I can say for myself that while I do want him to feel better and to meet his needs, I can only do so much. I need personal space. I am just realizing now, after being poly for over 20 years, and being in this intense personal relationship with my BF for the last 6 or so, that I NEED SPACE! Without that, I feel completely overwhelmed and as though his need for personal contact (sex) supercedes my need for personal time (alone). This is compounded by the fact that I am home with our kids every day (My choice, we dont want sitters raising our kids and I work PT because of that). This also means that, when I meet my BF, it is usually during the day, and I almost always have a 2yo in tow. He is wonderful and gracious and pushes her on the swing for as long as she wants while we hang out and talk. We get to kiss a little bit. That's it. BUt he has his issues too, and our relationship is on a holding pattern because of that.

In the 6 months we have been in relationship, we have had about 4 actual dates. Three of them have been when the sun was down. There is definitely NO expectation of sex when we see each other, for a lot of reasons. I am not poly for the sex...

My husband has pushed me to the point where I cannot even interact with him much at all. The clingy and needy behavior makes me not even want to attempt any kind of connection. We are very challenged right now, and we are trying hard to find ways to connect that dont involve sex (because that is the only way he knows how, and I need to NOT do that right now, for various reasons, including my own history of offering sex as a way to soothe feelings instead of dealing with what is really happening...)

Some of what has helped us somewhat is letting the guys interact with one another. They talk on FB sometimes. They like each other, as people. My husband recognizes that my BF is a great guy and is loving and an upstanding citizen, that he cares for our children and loves me deeply. But he still struggles with having to share me. Sharing is not his strong suit...

If your wife is anything like me, you may very well push her away, like Dagferi says. There has to be a balance where you sharing your feelings is okay but dumping in her lap for her to fix or make better is not. Pulling back completely may or may not be good for you, but finding a way to communicate with her about what is going on would be good for both of you. Maybe choosing a specific time to do that? You would know that you are heard, that there is a time she will set aside for you, and she agrees to be present for you? And you get to hear from her too, about how all of this is affecting her.

Good luck, I hope you find a balance.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
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Old 07-22-2013, 05:39 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Chilliwack, BC
Posts: 116

London, good point

it's one thing to assume the OP is just having a hard time dealing with things himself, ... it's another if everything is one-sided.

i won't agree that there needs to be sex on every date, ... tends to make things a little shallow, not that sex isn't good, but if that's what your going out for, ... that kinda says what your going out for.

although i would say even if everything is one-sided, there are better ways to handle it. the OP seems to be aware of that from the start.

have you met your wives b/f ?
have him come over from time to time, ... don't feel like a 3rd wheel and have to be sexiled, ... unless your not comfortable with that going on in the house while your home, ... if your wife is growing to really care about him, ... you might have to accept this going on in your home. just because your wife is with him doesn't mean that's not what's going on every time, ... and him visiting doesn't mean they have to have sex either.

as Loving Radience has said, ... plan other things.

could you all go out as a group for a picnic or anything with your son, just a family outing, if your not comfortable introducing your wive's b/f as such, then he's just a friend till you overcome that obstical.

options, lots of options, and when your done, there's a ton of things you may consider that have not been mentioned.
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Old 07-22-2013, 05:46 PM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

i won't agree that there needs to be sex on every date, ... tends to make things a little shallow, not that sex isn't good, but if that's what your going out for, ... that kinda says what your going out for.
I'm past the idea of wanting sex is shallow. I used to beat myself up for wanting as much sex as I do. I've got over that. Now I acknowledge that for me, sex is very important, regular sex with a partner is more important to me than any amount of hand holding and it doesn't say anything bad about the relationships I have. Yes, we do share other things, but sex is a major part of all my relationships. Sometimes it's the only part, rarely these days. But yes, I do feel disappointed/frustrated/discontent if I have a date without sex, thus I tend to make sure there is an opportunity for sex on every date.
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Old 07-22-2013, 06:25 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Chilliwack, BC
Posts: 116

didn't think of that, sorry

yes, good point, some people's interests about meaningful time out is going to be different from others ideas of what's comfortable.

sucks that you'd beat yourself up about it till you came to terms with it. i can see why.
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