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  #11  
Old 07-15-2013, 08:47 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amnati View Post
Throwing into the mix that we have a four year old is well makes it even more difficult. He and I get to "chill" without the car when she is at her boyfriend's and I'm feeling my most vulnerable.
Thats tough.. do you get the chance to go out on your own? Do your own thing without the family? That could be a part of it too. A building resentment like that can make things heavily emotional.
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  #12  
Old 07-15-2013, 08:55 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I agree with Ari-having been in your shoes (and gone through my dramafest about the same time as Ari).

That said-unlike Ari-I did it with a little one at home and no vehicle-much like you describe.

Key-4 year olds are energetic-you don't EMOTIONALLY feel that way-but you can use that kiddo's energy to your benefit. You need to step away from what you feel like doing-and do something different, so you don't explode in these emotional disasters.

So-start taking walks on your block-race each other to do 10 steps or 20 or whatever (let kiddo win at least part time!).
going backwards-
hopping on one foot-
then the other

(yes this sounds silly-but these things teach the child physical skills that benefit them later, they are fun for kids and they will keep you busy)

Inside-color with the kid, get a special coloring book just for the two of you to work through together on these days. Whatever character is fun for the kid (spiderman, cars, tinkerbell-doesn't matter) and special crayons-just for that.

Grab the cookbook-plan out a special meal that the two of you can make together. Then work through it together.
Start some jello-time how long it takes to get cold. Be inventive-mix up flavors and make it messy.
Bake a cake or brownies and enjoy them together with milk and a movie "just for the two of you"

You can't "fix" the frustration of being housebound. But you can utelize that time to really make things great with your kiddo.
Go to the library-pick up some books-read them ONLY ON THESE DATE TIMES with kiddo.
Or pick out movies just for those days.


MAKE those date times all about you being a great daddy. Make them about bonding with your kiddo.
It won't be easy at first to keep your mind from wandering into "WTF is she doing with so and so"
But honestly-it will get easier.

Find out if there is a part within a mile or two of your place and make plans and go to it.

If it's sunny-put swimsuits on and go outside and play in the hose.

**********************

Communication is important-talking is not always communication

AND
communication can't be productive until after you deal with your own emotions. Which takes time.

On your part-
without focusing on the other person AT ALL.

Make a list of what it is you need in a relationship.
Explicit list like sex 5 times a week, a kiss every morning/night, xyz verbal contacts per day/week, x # hugs a day, etc.

Don't even think about HER-just think about what the minimum things are that you need in a viable relationship.
Keep playing with it for a few weeks.
Make sure you consider if it's a permanent need or temp.
Like-"when I'm sick I need 20 hugs a day but when I'm not I only need 2"
and "I feel secure and confident when I get to go to the gym 3 times a week, but on a bad work week I need 5"
I need x # hours alone (no kid, no spouse, no friend) a day/week


Figure that out-then you will have something to communicate about.
Because comparison won't help.

It has to be just about "I need to see you x times a week and sleep with you x times a week and hear from you x times a day"
Not "I feel like you and he...."
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  #13  
Old 07-15-2013, 09:04 PM
Amnati Amnati is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I agree with Ari-having been in your shoes (and gone through my dramafest about the same time as Ari).

That said-unlike Ari-I did it with a little one at home and no vehicle-much like you describe.

Key-4 year olds are energetic-you don't EMOTIONALLY feel that way-but you can use that kiddo's energy to your benefit. You need to step away from what you feel like doing-and do something different, so you don't explode in these emotional disasters.

So-start taking walks on your block-race each other to do 10 steps or 20 or whatever (let kiddo win at least part time!).
going backwards-
hopping on one foot-
then the other

(yes this sounds silly-but these things teach the child physical skills that benefit them later, they are fun for kids and they will keep you busy)

Inside-color with the kid, get a special coloring book just for the two of you to work through together on these days. Whatever character is fun for the kid (spiderman, cars, tinkerbell-doesn't matter) and special crayons-just for that.

Grab the cookbook-plan out a special meal that the two of you can make together. Then work through it together.
Start some jello-time how long it takes to get cold. Be inventive-mix up flavors and make it messy.
Bake a cake or brownies and enjoy them together with milk and a movie "just for the two of you"

You can't "fix" the frustration of being housebound. But you can utelize that time to really make things great with your kiddo.
Go to the library-pick up some books-read them ONLY ON THESE DATE TIMES with kiddo.
Or pick out movies just for those days.


MAKE those date times all about you being a great daddy. Make them about bonding with your kiddo.
It won't be easy at first to keep your mind from wandering into "WTF is she doing with so and so"
But honestly-it will get easier.

Find out if there is a part within a mile or two of your place and make plans and go to it.

If it's sunny-put swimsuits on and go outside and play in the hose.

**********************

Communication is important-talking is not always communication

AND
communication can't be productive until after you deal with your own emotions. Which takes time.

On your part-
without focusing on the other person AT ALL.

Make a list of what it is you need in a relationship.
Explicit list like sex 5 times a week, a kiss every morning/night, xyz verbal contacts per day/week, x # hugs a day, etc.

Don't even think about HER-just think about what the minimum things are that you need in a viable relationship.
Keep playing with it for a few weeks.
Make sure you consider if it's a permanent need or temp.
Like-"when I'm sick I need 20 hugs a day but when I'm not I only need 2"
and "I feel secure and confident when I get to go to the gym 3 times a week, but on a bad work week I need 5"
I need x # hours alone (no kid, no spouse, no friend) a day/week


Figure that out-then you will have something to communicate about.
Because comparison won't help.

It has to be just about "I need to see you x times a week and sleep with you x times a week and hear from you x times a day"
Not "I feel like you and he...."
Thanks, I'm going to try this. At least it is something other than beating myself up over this. IT's just been so hard to give him the time and energy that he needs because I've been in such a shitty emotional state. I wish I could go back to being the stoic hero that could take on any emotional threat and laugh. It was so easy.
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  #14  
Old 07-15-2013, 09:56 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amnati View Post
Throwing into the mix that we have a four year old is well makes it even more difficult. He and I get to "chill" without the car when she is at her boyfriend's and I'm feeling my most vulnerable.
Whoa! Nope, sorry, that doesn't fly in our house. When we had little ones, I drove him to work and dropped him off or he biked. In case of emergency it was important for me to have the vehicle for the kids! I don't know if that's the same for everyone or if that's an issue as well, but it was just something we both decided. Hubby was NOT comfortable having me without a vehicle in case of emergency. He still isn't and we can ride or walk everywhere here and the kids are all teenagers!
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  #15  
Old 07-15-2013, 10:45 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Vix-we have that rule too. It's walking distance to everything-but whoever has the kids, has the car in case of an emergency.

BUT-OP,
if you need more kid suggestions-pm me.
Seriously!
I have kids ranging from 21 down to 6 and grandsons 2 and under.
22 years of experience thinking of how the hell to entertain, bond, tolerate, survive with kids-while dealing with life bs!
Definitely don't mind sharing.

It's just a step-but every journey starts with a step and if you can get this one handled-it will give you a healthy outlet for you and the kiddo-while working through the steps with the other stuff.

Also-look up galagirl on here and read through some of her posts on managing emotions-GREAT info and I use it. It works VERY WELL! Saved us from what had become repetitive drama created by emotional flooding.
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  #16  
Old 07-15-2013, 10:48 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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You have a 4 yo so why not look at this as a chance for some one on one bonding time with your child instead of a punishment. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Do you work outside the home? How about your wife? Do you and your wife get couple time without your child away from the house?

As for the car thing.. I can see where you would feel trapped. But in a true emergency how would your get home from her boyfriends home without it. Another solution maybe that he should come get her so you have the car.

I am sorry but I am not going to pat you on the head at tell you what you want to hear. I am going to tell you my honest opinion as someone who has been on you wifes side of the issue.This is a public message board.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #17  
Old 07-17-2013, 05:20 PM
Amnati Amnati is offline
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Dag,

I appreciate your honesty and I know sometimes a slap to the face is what ids needed to shock someone into thinking. I know I've been acting whiney and throwing fits, however everything is new to me, the emotions, multiple relationships, physical needs that are not getting met (but hearing about sunshine else getting those same needs attended to without hesitation). I was in a lot of pain the other day and have been having a hard time coming to grips with everything. I have not been in my wife's shoes and to me it has felt like the only thing I have been doing is giving for her relationship and not getting anything out of it. I know that what I'm doing is pushing her away, especially since she is an introvert and I'm an extrovert. Throughout this it has just felt like her needs are the most important and mine can go screw themselves, at least from my perspective. I know I have codependency issues, my father had them and I'm very similar (more emotionally out of touch though). So I'm going to focus energy on that. I have a close friend who I got back in touch with who is poly and she is going to be my emotional dumping ground before I do anything stupid again. So hopefully I'll get things moving on a healthier track. Anyway, your advice was spot on, just hard to take at the time.

About the car and the kid situation. I can get around town fairly well by bike and trailer. She takes the car to see him as he lives an hour away. I'm still adjusting and would have a hard time if they stayed here and I would have no where else to go, it's tough being sexiled from your own house. It also makes it tough as we are financially pretty strapped (damn the educational system) and really can't afford her trips down, let alone additional expenses of me trying to go anywhere to make connections. It's rough, and probably only going to get rougher when the term starts again.
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  #18  
Old 07-17-2013, 05:44 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Stop the tit for tat, keeping score, etc.

You have every right to ask for what you need. But you have no right to get anything from her relationship. Stop with the well you owe me x because you got y. All it does is make her feel like she is being blackmailed emotionally. Again you have every right to ask for what you need from her. You have no right to assign a price to her relationship with her boyfriend.

As someone who is an introvert who is married to a man like you. The quickest way to get pushed out of our lives is be emotionally clingy. My husband almost successfully pushed me right out of our marriage.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #19  
Old 07-17-2013, 06:08 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Regarding dates/cars/expenses.

One of the things that I think is being missed (by many) is that sex isn't always an option on a date.
There is no reason they can't minimize some of the extra expense and him travel up to see her-and they go hang out in the park, take a walk, a hike, spend quality time together-talking, holding hands, loving each other, etc-OUTSIDE and out of the house.

I read all of these posts about "she/he has to go there because if they came here I wouldn't have anywhere to go."
REALLY?!?!
We have kids. I can't count on one hand how many times my bf and I have had sex in the last 6 months! We freaking LIVE TOGETHER. But-kids come first. With Maca out of town working-that means we are TOGETHER every day-but we can't GET TOGETHER without the kids conveniently enough to have sex.
SO WHAT?!?!
We love each other. We don't make every date about getting off. We make our dates about connecting and sometimes when the stars freaking align we have fucking awesome sex too.

I find it mind boggling that people think that they should automatically be guaranteed that they can get bedroom time with their partner-just because.

When you have kids-privacy is harder in the first relationship. When you are juggling a relationship with another person that time crunch is EVEN HARDER. When you are doing both of those and you don't want your kid exposed to the second partner, so your first partner is keeping kid at home so you can date-it's EVEN HARDER.

Sorry-stepping off soapbox and backing away so you can resume regular programming.
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  #20  
Old 07-17-2013, 06:28 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Trust me I know it is hard to "date" with kids. I have 3 kids... Murf didn't meet them until we had been together for 6months. Both my guys work shitty shifts. Butch 3p to 11p 7 days straight with 2 days off. Then an 8 day stretch with a 4 day weekend. Murf works 6p to 6a. 2 days on 2 days off every other weekend he works 3 days. When my oldest was home it was easier. He has moved to Illinois for college.

Most of the time my 10 yo and 6 yo comes with me to Murf. During the school year things get interesting.

Every 6 weeks Murf and I get a weekend alone. And maybe 2 other evenings alone. The rest of the time we have kids in tow.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.

Last edited by Dagferi; 07-17-2013 at 06:35 PM.
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