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  #1  
Old 07-19-2013, 08:29 AM
ademian ademian is offline
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Default Negotiating Weird Space, Sex

I had an unsettling experience with my partner the other day and I'm upset and I don't know how to proceed with her. We have been together 3 years and while we both have other relationships, ours together is the longest running for both of us. I don't know if we're primaries, but somewhere in that vicinity.

Anyway, I went on a trip for a week with one of my lovers, and when I came back I was so excited to see her again but she was standoffish and said she felt "distant" from me. That's alright. Couple days later, I'm sweet on her and go to her place and we start fooling around, and I start teasing her a little with my dick pushing against her asshole. I say teasing because we've never done it before and I've brought up anal to her in the past and always her response was that it would only happen under rather unhealthy circumstances which I'm not keen on meeting. Except this time, she's moaning and into it and so we finally do it and it's great! Better than I expected, and she tells me "Oh, I enjoyed that more than I thought." And I'm so jazzed. And I asked her post-coital "How long since you done that?" And she says "Couple days ago" to, you know, knock the breath outta me. So I ask her about it and she was with a guy she met maybe 2 months ago, and it was not according to the circumstances she'd told me. She said it'd just felt right, and added that she might not have wanted to do it with me if she hadn't with him first. That last didn't help me out at all.

So, I know that things happen, and I'm not saying I don't want her to do that with anyone else, but I feel distraught and deceived about this. Are these just irrational feelings? I don't feel as close to her now. I told her I thought we were sharing something special up until she corrected me on that. Now we're not talking. Am I creating an unnecessary problem?

I just want someone to give me some advice and where I might stand or where I might go.
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:27 AM
london london is offline
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Some people see anal sex as a super intimate act, almost a trophy, and only to be given to primary style partners. Others don't. I used to. I now do what I want, when I want, with whoever I want. Sometimes it feels right to do some sodomy on first date, other times it might feel right after months, or never. There are some things I'd prefer to do with a near stranger first, just in case things get awkward with someone special. The key is not to compare who did what with who, when, and think more about whether your relationships make you happy. Is she meeting your needs?
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:31 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ademian View Post
Are these just irrational feelings? I don't feel as close to her now.
Yes, totally irrational. You don't own her body, but you had expectations that you were supposed to get first dibs on her butthole for some reason. She made a choice and now you're having a tantrum.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ademian View Post
I told her I thought we were sharing something special up until she corrected me on that. Now we're not talking. Am I creating an unnecessary problem?
Yes, you are making it an unnecessary problem. It sounded like it was pretty special. Why couldn't you soak that in and enjoy it? Does being the first one in there make it more special? Isn't the intimacy and pleasure of the moments you shared more important than who got there first?

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Originally Posted by ademian View Post
I just want someone to give me some advice and where I might stand or where I might go.
Apologize to her and from now on strive not to let your attachment to some romantic ideal get in the way of what you've got. Start looking at how attached you get to certain goals or outcomes. Appreciate the present.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-19-2013 at 09:33 AM.
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:42 AM
ademian ademian is offline
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NYC I think you are missing my point. There's more context, of course, but both of us have experienced anal before. Hell, she's fucked me before. But I was under the impression she didn't want to do that, and I was fine with that. I guess I was also under the impression that if she did decide to try it, she'd want to try with me. And ya know, maybe she wanted to try it with a stranger first. She owns her body, of course. But my feelings are my own, and you don't seem to be into male sensitivity.
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Old 07-19-2013, 10:51 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I was only trying to be helpful. It's 5:30 am here and I've been up all night, so I just had enough energy to be straightforward with you without adding flowery niceties. I do not think I missed your point - it's more likely that you just don't like my response. Take it or leave it.

I know you know it's her body, you stated as much in your post. I was not implying that you were assuming ownership or getting possessive. I only said that because it is a fact that it's her body.

You did sound like you felt entitled to "first dibs" on having anal sex with her in those circumstances just because she'd said she only wanted it under different circumstances -- so you ascribed certain meaning to the fact of her doing it unexpectedly in the way that you wanted it to happen, instead off her fantasy which you don't like, and the meaning you gave it was that it was "special" -- until she revealed that she did it with someone else she doesn't know as well. You make a point of saying that she only knew that guy a short time, so this seems to be a sticking point for you, in feeling "not special" anymore.

You took offense at that and hurt yourself with the information she gave you, essentially dismissing the wonderfulness you had felt earlier, and not appreciating what you did have with her. Suddenly, the good sexy time wasn't as good anymore, not as good as it felt a few moments earlier before you knew she had anal with someone else. Solely because she did it with someone else, it ruined it for you? Do you not see that as a problem of your own making?

You asked if you were being irrational and I answered honestly, from my viewpoint: Yes. You asked if you are making unnecessary problems, and I answered honestly: Yes. You asked what to do, and I answered honestly: Apologize to her and take a look at your attachment to certain outcomes. Whenever we are disappointed, it is because of our expectations.
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Old 07-19-2013, 11:28 AM
ademian ademian is offline
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If it's conceivable, I think you're correct, and you're still missing my point. I do appreciate the kind response. And I told her right away she didn't do anything wrong, but damn that still hurt me inside. And yeah I got expectations; she's very dear to me. This I was not expecting at all. Blindsided me.
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Old 07-19-2013, 11:51 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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You guys are all missing the point.

There is a point, and you are all missing it.
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Old 07-19-2013, 11:56 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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What do you think your point is OP? How can we better help you in getting the advice you need?
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Old 07-19-2013, 12:11 PM
london london is offline
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He wants us to say that she should have let him bum her first because he was banging her before the other guy.
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  #10  
Old 07-19-2013, 12:16 PM
ademian ademian is offline
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I guess that's resolved then.
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