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Old 07-02-2013, 01:45 PM
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xotheladyxo xotheladyxo is offline
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Default Hello :)

I have been browsing the site for a while now and recently made a profile so I thought it was time to finally introduce myself and get the ball rolling.

My husband (23m) and I (21f) have been talking about bringing another woman into our life for a while now. I have some experience with polyamory, before I started dating my husband I was with a married couple and I really enjoyed the relationship. Prior to that I had never really opened my mind to a polyamorous relationship, but after being in one I could see the benefits and how much I enjoyed my time with the both of them. My husband doesn't have any experience with it, but is open minded to trying and seeing where it goes.

We aren't looking to meet up with someone right away, we want to really take our time with this. We are looking to talk to other experienced poly couples and/or triples to get a feel for what we want and what we are looking for. Then when we decide to start looking for the girl we would like to add to our family we want to talk, take things slow, and let things evolve on their own. We have a daughter so we are very cautious about who we bring into our home.

Me: I am a young, stay at home mom. I do most of the internet stuff because my husband isn't very tech savvy I am very feminine, have always been bisexual, and I appreciate the arts. I am 5'7", I have a curvy build, long auburn hair, grey eyes, and a fair complexion.

Him: My husband is a truck driver and he looks like one :P He is 6'1", bigger guy, brown hair and eyes, glasses, and trimmed facial hair. He is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet and he works very hard so that I can stay home and take care of our daughter. He's a typical guys with interests like food, cars, and blowing shit up.

If you want to know more, please message me.
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  #2  
Old 07-02-2013, 07:56 PM
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Hello xotheladyxo,
Welcome to our forum.

We have a Dating & Friendships subforum you can check out, if you haven't done so already. There are also many insightful threads here and you can get a lot of information and input.

I wish you well on your poly journey.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-05-2013, 07:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
. . . talking about bringing another woman into our life . . . Then when we decide to start looking for the girl we would like to add to our family we want to talk, take things slow, and let things evolve on their own. We have a daughter so we are very cautious about who we bring into our home.
You aren't the only ones who should be cautious. How would you feel if you were a woman who is "brought in" to "add to" someone else's relationship? She should be very cautious as well!

You add ketchup to french fries, or sugar to coffee, to enhance the flavor - you don't add people to a relationship. People aren't condiments. They aren't put here to enhance what you have with someone else, nor to serve you. You develop relationships with individuals. If you can remember that, you might have a shot. I wish you well.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-05-2013 at 06:53 PM.
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Old 07-05-2013, 08:32 AM
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Hello thelady,

You might benefit from reading some of the threads tagged, triad, unicorn, unicorn hunting and hbb. Please also read this http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/.

Happy Reading!!!

Natja
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  #5  
Old 07-05-2013, 01:47 PM
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nycindie I never said I was only looking to add spice or flavor to our relationship. We're looking for another person, another individual, to join our relationship to make it more complete. We are looking for another person to love, and love us in return. We are looking for our other soulmate.

We aren't the married couple that is going to make a bunch of set rules and guide lines for someone that isn't even a part of our relationship yet. So I am upset that you would jump to such conclusions before actually knowing our intentions and our mind set. I have done my research, and thank you Natja, I have read that post as well as several other so I know the common mistakes that couples like my husband and I usually make. We don't want to make those mistakes. '

I am not looking to control the relationship that my husband makes with whom ever we find and he isn't looking to control mine. We haven't even made any rules or limitations for each other because we want to wait until we find someone we have chemistry with and build the relationship together. We aren't trying to build a relationship between the two of us and find a woman that fits into the mold we make, we are looking to mold the relationship once we find the other woman that makes this all complete. If my husband and I only wanted another woman for us to have sex with now and again, we wouldn't have to take our time to do that.

So thank you for being quite rude and making us feel very judged and unwelcome. I hope you don't judge everyone as quickly.
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Old 07-05-2013, 07:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
nycindie I never said I was only looking to add spice or flavor to our relationship. We're looking for another person, another individual, to join our relationship to make it more complete.
Exactly my point. I was only going by what you stated - that you are looking for a woman to "bring into" your relationship and be "added to" your family. Now you are saying you want someone to make your relationship "more complete." The rest of what you wrote sounds much more evolved than that - it seems your intentions are good and thoughtful, but there is an element of objectification here, of wanting someone else to augment your existing relationship. Seriously, if you were single, would you jump at the chance to take on that burden of responsibility -- to make a couple feel complete (I mean, really, it would seem more constructive to look inside and find out what is lacking rather than think you can get a feeling of completeness from someone on the outside)? When it seems rather obvious they will be at the center and you would be just "adding to" what they already have, would you join them?

Food for thought, that's all.
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Old 07-05-2013, 07:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
.

I have done my research, and thank you Natja, I have read that post as well as several other so I know the common mistakes that couples like my husband and I usually make. We don't want to make those mistakes. '
You are welcome, please do keep reading because there are lots to learn, it might seem minor or even romantic but please be aware of using terms like 'looking for someone to join/or add to our (your) relationship' and 'to complete us'
Like so....

Quote:
We're looking for another person, another individual, to join our relationship to make it more complete
The reasons are because we connect with people as individuals, no one can 'come into' what you have with your partner, that relationship (dyad) is unique and fully complete, no one wants to fill an incomplete space, what another person can do, is relate to you each and create a special dyad with each of you, so there will be four relationship dynamics. You and him, he and her and you and her and the dynamic which is all three of you when you are together. This is a totally unique dynamic, it is not one merely her 'added' to yours.

It is the repeated use of these phrases, even after you said you read David Noble's article, that might get people's backs up, they are just simply not pleasant things to read.

I hope this helps and does not offend you, like I said, it really does pay to keep reading and then maybe you might realise why so many people are hostile to this particular dynamic.

Natja
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  #8  
Old 07-07-2013, 07:13 PM
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I understand what you are both saying about how I am wording things and how it can be misinterpreted, I guess I just don't know how to word it better.

No, if I were single I wouldn't want the responsibility of fixing someone's marriage. I'm not sure I would know how to join a couple and make everything better. My husband and I have a beautiful life and marriage and if we continued our life monogamously we wouldn't have any problems. It is because we have so much love for each other that we want to share it with someone else.

I say "add to" and "bring in" only because we already have an existing relationship. It's not as though we are all single and starting something together, though we do want to form an entirely new relationship together. We aren't looking to "add her" to what we already have, we want to create something new. So I probably should have said something more like that, but I didn't think or see how the words I was using could be viewed in a negative way like that.

I have been doing a lot of reading on and off this site and I know there is a lot to learn. That is why we don't want to rush things. We want to learn the best and most fair way of doing things so that everyone benefits from this relationship, not just my husband and I. We don't want to make the same mistakes that a lot of couples like us make. We want a lifetime relationship with someone. So we still have a long way to go, but we are trying.
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Old 07-07-2013, 09:09 PM
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You should read and post as much as you can, but at the end of the day, you have to trust your instincts.

Just be sensitive to the one person who you bring into the existing dynamic of the two of you.
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Old 07-07-2013, 09:23 PM
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That is our plan. I don't want to control, manipulate, or use someone for our benefit and then throw her away when things get tough or aren't fun anymore. That's not the type of people we are. I recognize that this person will be just that, a person with wants, needs, feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Like I said, I am just trying to learn the best way of doing things and how to avoid making the common mistakes that couples make. I will do my best to be more aware of my wording so that it doesn't get interpreted differently than I intend.
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