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  #11  
Old 08-02-2013, 04:14 PM
Feria Feria is offline
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We broke up for a month in the spring. He came back. Things seemed great at first. Now this! I didnt do anything last night. I am being accused of being passive aggressive. Im not angry at all. Just very confused and hurt. What is the point of mind games? Why not just tell the truth instead of taking my loving words and twisting them like that.
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  #12  
Old 08-02-2013, 04:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Feria View Post
He has been going thru a hardtime recently and has distanced me so bad I am questioning my own sanity... Why not just tell the truth instead of taking my loving words and twisting them like that.
Are you certain that you didn't have any agenda with that letter? You say that you were feeling so distanced that your sanity was in question - but that letter was for nothing but to tell him you love him? You didn't expect anything in return?

It's unlikely that the letter was completely absent of agenda; generally speaking people just don't function that way. I don't know you, so this is just a guess based on how most people seem to work and the "feel" of your posts, but I think you could benefit from taking a moment to do some introspection.

That aside, your problem is not this man, I assure you. Your problem seems to be a damaged sense of self-worth. Forget about this guy and work on improving yourself.
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  #13  
Old 08-02-2013, 05:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Alright then. You feel yucky in relationship with him because he does not met your needs in relationship and he twists your loving words. Being with him makes you question your own sanity. Rather than ask WHY he does that poor conduct toward you -- could ask self WHAT does staying in this relationship bring me? HOW am I looking out for my best healths by staying? Is this healthy for me?

He's broken up with you twice and you end up feeling yucky each time he breaks up with you. At this time he is not willing or able to accept your love. At this time he is not willing or able to give YOU love in a way that meets your needs in a healthy way.

Could stop fishing here and setting yourself for MORE dings from this man. But you don't.

Could ask yourself WHAT is your unwillingness to STAY broken up about? Is your current logic along the lines of...

"I feel yucky with him. I feel yucky without him. I may as well feel yucky WITH him then so I don't have to be alone at least."

Is that it?

Or something else? Please clarify.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-02-2013 at 05:26 PM.
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  #14  
Old 08-02-2013, 08:20 PM
Feria Feria is offline
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I guess I had hope it would somehow work out. I really loved this person, just not how I was being treated. I put myself in the situation and allowed these things to happen. I guess after being together over a year I had that dreaded word "expectations".
I just needed to rant about it. Not really looking for an answer bc I know what it is.
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  #15  
Old 08-03-2013, 02:20 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I get what you are saying, "why the change, when there was nothing obviously wrong?" I can't speak to your self worth as others have. It may or may not be an issue - you are in a better position to judge that. Regardless, an unexplained change in behavior would leave me very puzzled and hurt also - and I assure you, I have no self-esteem issues.

That said, the others have given you good advice. Move on, and do not let this man back into your life. I could hypothesize a number of reasons for his behavior, but none of them are a reflection on you.

By the way, that whole passive-aggressive remark to you was projection - he was projecting his own behavior on to you.

Hang in there!
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  #16  
Old 08-03-2013, 03:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Then rant away.

You deserve better treatment for sure.

You deserve better than this.

You have worth, dignity, and value.

Galagirl
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  #17  
Old 08-03-2013, 05:58 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I have a personal policy of making it impossible for someone to break up with me twice. I do that by refusing to get back together with anyone after we've broken up. Break-ups happen for a reason, and spring to summer is never enough time to make personality changes severe enough to merit a second chance.

The very nature of passive-aggressiveness is that people usually don't realize they're doing it. They tend to feel that they're the ones getting screwed and they're just doing "what they have to" to keep it even.

You wrote him a love letter, he said thank you and then asked why you wrote it. You responded with a cold shoulder, basically telling him to go away. That's the opposite of "I love you." If you really had no hidden agenda, wouldn't the appropriate response to his question be something like "I've noticed we've grown distant lately, and I wanted to take the first step towards getting us back on track." Your response does indicate that you expected a specific reaction, i.e. that you had a hidden agenda.
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  #18  
Old 08-03-2013, 08:24 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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And someone chooses to put you in your place, instead of just telling you that he is not willing to have a relationships that you are looking for, that is not cool to do, that is not how I would treat a person who I call my friend.

People get grumpy, have mood swings, and get like that, we all do, but after you wrote him a love letter, his response was more than passive aggressive, I would take it as cold, intentional stepping up the behavior to put you in your place rather than say he the relationship is not what he is looking for and does not want a friendship as involved as you desire.

Desiring a close friendship or relationship is not something I would call "an agenda" and if if it was, at least you made your "agenda" known. Being a dick to someone who desires a closer relationship than he isn't willing to be in, does make one question themselves.

Maybe he honestly had no idea your letter was meant to convey you had feeling for him, and he genuinely didn't understand where you were coming from, but it seems to be more of someone putting you in your place, rather then letting you know that according to his view of your friendship you have been getting out of line.

My boss at work would have enough sense not to treat an employee that let alone a friend.

maybe he really is dealing with tough times and needs you to be understanding, but ...

I don't appreciate friends who treat me like a boss, especially if they treated me shitty enough to the point where if he was my boss, I will tell him to fuck off before I quit
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  #19  
Old 08-03-2013, 11:46 AM
Feria Feria is offline
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Maybe I was wrong in writing him a love letter. Maybe I pressured him by saying how deeply I loved him and that I missed seeing him. I was trying to poetic in my writing to him bc a few weeks ago he told me he loved and missed me and wished I was there. He asked me to write him a poem.
He cancelled our date night bc of something that was going on which I understood and was accommodating. His behaviour became cold. He would text me about his problems. I would in turn be supportive. When i told him i wouldnt see him in almost a month I was told "have fun" which shocked me, it was the way he said it. He then told me "thats life."
So I wrote a letter about remembering when we first met, how good i felt with him, how i missed and loved him. Saying i understand that right now times are tough and how i wished i could help him through these hard times. However I did say you are right there but so far away. Maybe that made him flip out. Im not sure. I had no hidden agenda. I was trying to be sweet so he felt my love and support.
I got a thank you and then my words twisted into something else. He started questioning me and i felt cold behavior, so I said I will let you be. I am sorry if my letter hurt or made you angry in someway. I was hoping he would reread that letter and our conersation and realize it was harmless. Why so much anger? Why so much blaming? The last thing i said to him was i didnt do anything wrong. Somehow in his head i do terrible things and am wrong. My feelings dont matter, only his.I want an apology from him. Hell I deserve an apology. We all have crap going on in our lives, but dont distant the people who love you.
When I got back together with him I was hoping things would change. I feel foolish. The thing is I am not even angry. I am shocked and dismayed. We have broken up at least 4 times over the last year. I broke up with him once bc I was fed up with the "couplecentric" behaviour. this last breakup I was told I am done with this s@@@. All over me telling him i loved him. Rejected over a love letter. Wth! Then tod I dont know what you want to hear in a nasty tone of voice. What i wanted to hear is that you feel the same way. That he appreciated my concern about him. Thank you for being there for me. No I got my answer from his comment. Hidden meaning"im just not that into you anymore" so let me project that by being nasty and blaming you for my inability to tell you directly thats what i mean.
Im not even poly. I was only poly bc of the situation. He knew this.
I could never talk about my feelings or emotions bc it always turned into a break up. Thats how i felt. Maybe someday we will have a real friendship with no romantic feelings on my end.
How I see it, he doesnt have time for a relationship outside his marriage. I think he is made for casual, FWB situation. I am not that girl. He wanted easy, go with the flow, lets see what happens type of guy. I am intense and want romance and passion. I dont play games. In my world you do or you dont. There is no in between.
The last time he tryed to break up with me he had told me that maybe he shoukdnt have romance outside his marriage and told me no more sex bc it complicates things. I was with him for over a year. We spent 3 to 4 days a week together for a year. That suddenly changed without any discussion to nit seeing him for two weeks maybe 3 weeks. Of course I am going to question what is going on. I dont think he was being honest. I know bad things were going on in his life, but he made time for his other friends. You dont think i noticed that? He is making plans to go on vacation without his wife with a friend. He would never do that with me. Not without his wife. I couldnt even be alone with him the entire time we dated. I always hung out with the wife too. That was a problem for me. I got no intimacy. I was not dating his wife. He would text me and ask me when are you coming to see us. We miss you. Again I am not dating your wife.
Perhaps I am crazy. I wanted what we used to have. I will no longer be a secondary or tertiary to anyone. This has been a hot and cold relationship, come here, go away for far too long. I tried to bring this up. I attempted communication, but that never worked. He just wants easy. Good luck with that.
I do know for a fact what he tells people what happened its all put on me. I no longer trust him. How would you expect someone to act when you are being told one thing and your actions dont match? Its confusing. Its crazy making. Its hurtful. Especially when the other person refuses to communicate when there is an issue. Its the maybe if i just ignore it maybe it will just go away mentality. Then when i bring it up all hell breaks loose. I get ignored, broken up with bc i wrote you a love letter. No. I dont work that way. I have no self esteem issues. I was trying so hard to be careful, walking on egg shells, trying to make whatever in the heck this was easy and not stressful. I always lose bc he thinks he is perfect and does nothing wrong. He closes up. He screamed at me. Accused me of ignoring him at a party. The thing is I will treat you the way you treat me. I am tired of being the one to make changes in a relationship when i see no changes from you. I was feeling like all i did was annoy or bother him. So i stopped texting. I let him make the first move. Im tired.
Again I am Not fishing for anything here. I am ranting on a forum. Thats it. Its actually quite helpful and I am angry.

Last edited by Feria; 08-03-2013 at 01:00 PM.
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  #20  
Old 08-03-2013, 02:10 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
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He asked me to write him a poem.
So he asked you to write him a letter and then was confused about where it came from?

I don't know what you guys are doing over there but it sounds like you need to step away from this, firmly and permanently. This guy seems to keep shitting on you and you keep following him around looking for more. Cut this thing loose and start working on your self worth.

If you let this dude back in your life then you are just asking for it.
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