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  #1  
Old 07-13-2013, 06:15 PM
Feria Feria is offline
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I have been dating an attached man for a year. Everything was going great. Recently he has been distant, cold, when I say I love you or miss you I get no response. I do not see him as often as I used to. I have attempted conversation about it. The response I get is confusing. I am feeling very hurt and I am trying so hard not to blow up. I dont know what to do. We had a romantic rlationship, suddenly he is casual and I feel like a FWB. I am afraid to text him or call him bc I feel I am bothering him. Now I am wondering if he is dating others and not telling me about it, which is wrong bc this is poly. I dont know how to ask this question without sounding jealous or desperate.
He hardly returns my messages. I am feeling like dirt on the bottom of his shoe. I am beginning to believe secondarys do get the shaft
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Old 07-13-2013, 06:20 PM
london london is offline
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Nothing to do with polyamory, he simply isn't into this relationship anymore.
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Old 07-13-2013, 06:22 PM
Feria Feria is offline
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I asked him that. He denies it and tells me I am overthinking things. How do I get it across to him that he really should tell me if this is the case without making him angry? I dont know what to do. Do I ask if there are others? What do I ask? I want treated with respect and dignity.

Last edited by Feria; 07-13-2013 at 06:25 PM.
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Old 07-13-2013, 06:25 PM
london london is offline
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Don't care about whether he gets it, simply say your needs aren't being met so you are moving on.
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Old 07-13-2013, 06:34 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Don't care about whether he gets it, simply say your needs aren't being met so you are moving on.
I agree with this. Actions speak louder than words. If you aren't happy, leave.
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Old 07-13-2013, 07:27 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Feria View Post
I have attempted conversation about it. The response I get is confusing. I am feeling very hurt and I am trying so hard not to blow up. I dont know what to do. We had a romantic rlationship, suddenly he is casual and I feel like a FWB. I am afraid to text him or call him bc I feel I am bothering him.
What would this mean to you if you were in a monogamous relationship with him? I suspect it would mean that he is:
A. Busy and just not feeling like putting in the effort
B. Not as interested in you as you are in him
If you were in a monogamous relationship what would you do? If he refuses to have a straight conversation with you, doesn't feel like a romantic partner to you, then the solution seems pretty obvious... adjust your expectations or move on.

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Originally Posted by Feria View Post
Now I am wondering if he is dating others and not telling me about it, which is wrong bc this is poly.
Polyamory just means multiple loves - there is not a default level of communication or honesty or disclosure, just (at least the potential of) multiple romantic partners.

I would avoid focusing on what qualifies as poly and what doesn't, and focus on the reality of what kind of relationship you want and what arrangement you won't be happy with and thus need to end.

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Originally Posted by Feria View Post
He hardly returns my messages. I am feeling like dirt on the bottom of his shoe. I am beginning to believe secondarys do get the shaft
Secondaries come second, that's why they are ranked that way. If you don't want to be treated as if you are a secondary priority then I suggest moving away from this type of hierarchical dynamic. Partners should be appreciated for who they are, not ranked.
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  #7  
Old 07-13-2013, 08:01 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I wouldn't consider his treatment of you to be standard for how secondaries get treated. This is how he is treating you and it isn't working for you. Whether you were a primary, secondary, tertiary or his only - no label one could attach should be reason to accept treatment that makes you feel mistreated.

This is also why you shouldn't try to figure out (rather than asking outright) why he is treating you this way such as he must be seeing other people. People either treat you how you state you want to be treated or they don't. If he were seeing other people, would it make the way he is behaving towards you okay? If not, I wouldn't bother offering up guesses that you feel will make you sound jealous or desperate. Simply tell him you liked it when he did treated you the way he previously did and don't like how he is treating you now. Anything else sounds a little bit like you're offering up justifications for the way you're being treated and that would only work if there was something going on that would make all this acceptable to you.
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Old 07-13-2013, 08:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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How do I get it across to him that he really should tell me if this is the case without making him angry?
Could ask yourself why you are afraid he will get mad to be having a grown up conversation. Is he prone to acting out at you?

You wanting to know if he stills wants to date you or not is perfectly valid. Why date someone who doesn't want to date you any more? And you can't be a mind reader. So you haveto ask him if you want to know where his willingness lies. Coudl tell him if he's no longer into being a dating couple, that you prefer to be told straight up rather than have it drag on.

He can't mind reader YOUR preference -- so tell him how you prefer it.

Quote:
I have attempted conversation about it all. The response I get is confusing.
What was the confusing response that he gave? Have you asked him straight up? I can't tell from your post if you did or if you are hemming and hawing around it yourself. Maybe something like...
[INDENT]"BF which of my needs are you willing to meet at this time? The needs are:
a) Need for connection. Because I feel distant from you and would like to reconnect. The last time we had a good heart to heart was ____ and that was _____ ago.

b) Need to spend face time with you. I have noticed the last time we had face time was _____ and I miss you.

c) Need for timely responsiveness. I have noticed you not responding. [LIST][*]I left a message on ____ and it is now ____. [*]I have also noticed when I asked you if you are no longer into me, you change it to be about me "overthinking" rather than just responding to the question straight up with "1) Yes, I am still into you. 2) No, I am not as into you or 3) I am not sure how into you I still am. Could you be willing to just say 1, 2, or 3 on that one to me?

d) Need for dignity and respect. Because I want to know where this relationship stands and if it is breaking up, be able to break up well."
Could that wording help? Just ask straight up. If the song and dance continues, ask...
"I have tried to communicate with you and get on the same page. You seem unwilling to communicate with me. You seem unwilling to meet my other needs. So I am going to take it that we are breaking up and you just don't want to be the one to say it. Is there anything you would like to say?"
And then move on. Nobody can have a relationship with an unwilling partner. If you are getting mixed messages where he SAYS one things but his ACTIONS are another thing? Believe the ACTIONS.

It sucks, but better short term suckage than drag it on and on and on and on and on because he can't tell you straight up where his willingness is at. You are responsible for your own health and well being.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-13-2013 at 09:09 PM.
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  #9  
Old 08-02-2013, 04:04 PM
Feria Feria is offline
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He has been going thru a hardtime recently and has distanced me so bad I am questioning my own sanity. I wrote a letter. A nice, loving letter about how how much I love him. He said thank you. Then started questioning where is this coming from! What happened. I said i will let you be. He then told me i am being passive aggressive. He then said"i said thank you, im not sure what answer you ar looking for" then broke up with me for the 2nd time in a month.
Today i am left feeling confused and hurt.

Last edited by Feria; 08-02-2013 at 04:10 PM.
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  #10  
Old 08-02-2013, 04:10 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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My advice? Stay broken up. I am sorry you are hurting. You are confused because he was playing mind games. He is not in to you, and he was stringing you along instead of just being honest. He still ended up hurting you, but now, you can move on. If he comes slithering back, send him on his way. Might I suggest working on your self-esteem because allowing someone to treat you like that is unacceptable. He is not the only man in the world.
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