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  #11  
Old 07-13-2013, 06:34 PM
london london is offline
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She has a single bed. His partner may prefer dating at his own home. Just because someone doesn't like something, it doesn't mean their dislike automatically supersedes someone else's desire to do/have that thing. A compromise has to be made. The partner suggested a separate bed as a compromise, the OP shot that down too. This isn't about preference, this is about insecurity. One person's insecurity shouldn't dictate the nature of other people's relationships.
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  #12  
Old 07-13-2013, 06:46 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I don't see where she shot down that idea she said he snidely suggested it. Still I don't understand what us wrong with having sex on a single bed? I know lots of couples who have this rule.
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  #13  
Old 07-13-2013, 06:51 PM
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There really isn't any compromise here. She doesn't want him bringing other partners on their bed and he does. This is pretty much a win-lose situation. I think the OP should buy a mattress that could be thrown on the floor when he wants to have sex with other people at their home. It won't always be the case that he can go somewhere else. N sometimes has women come over here because for various reasons they can't host.
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  #14  
Old 07-13-2013, 09:41 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Before Woodsmith and I lived together we'd have to have sex on his twin bed because I lived with my parents (I have a queen). It's more than easy to do.

The only person who shot down the idea of a second bed was the OP's boyfriend.
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  #15  
Old 07-14-2013, 12:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
There really isn't any compromise here. She doesn't want him bringing other partners on their bed and he does. This is pretty much a win-lose situation. I think the OP should buy a mattress that could be thrown on the floor when he wants to have sex with other people at their home. It won't always be the case that he can go somewhere else. N sometimes has women come over here because for various reasons they can't host.
OP is a HE - HE and his partner were a gay couple before his partner decided to explore a FWB relationship with a female. It is their home, not just his partner's home and if he doesn't feel comfortable at this early stage with his now bi-sexual boyfriend having sex with women in HIS bed, I think he's safe to ask for them to do that. For years, Wendigo and I had sex on the couch or floor and not Runic Wolf and my bed. This was mostly due to having a child's room next door to the bedroom, but we didn't mind as Wendigo's bedroom was also his wife's work from home office.
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  #16  
Old 07-14-2013, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
She doesn't want him bringing other partners on their bed and he does.
Note: the OP is a gay male, not a "she."

Yeah, I'm a full figured gal, 5'7", and one of my partners is 6'2" and we mess around on the living room couch regularly. I think a request for no sex in the OP's bed is reasonable, for now anyway, as all this is brand new. Maybe to be readdressed in a few months, if all else is going more smoothly.
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me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
We are both open to dating, but no serious other partners at the moment
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  #17  
Old 07-14-2013, 03:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Note: the OP is a gay male, not a "she."

Yeah, I'm a full figured gal, 5'7", and one of my partners is 6'2" and we mess around on the living room couch regularly. I think a request for no sex in the OP's bed is reasonable, for now anyway, as all this is brand new. Maybe to be readdressed in a few months, if all else is going more smoothly.
Whoops. I totally read the OP wrong. Thank you for stating that in a non rude way
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  #18  
Old 07-14-2013, 03:37 PM
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Update: J and M had sex in our room on an air mattress on the floor while I was at work last night and I still felt bad about it. I got home in the middle of the night to find J in the room sleeping, and M had left. The air mattress was blown up and there was a used condom on the floor next to it. I realized what had happened and flipped out a little bit, as he had told me they were going to her house that night so I wasn't expecting the change in plans. My initial reaction was a negative one, but then I realized that I should appreciate the fact that he was considerate enough to blow the air mattress up.

I guess this confirms to me what some of you have said (that I needed to hear), that my apprehension and jealousy is more brought on by insecurity rather than the actual physical location they do it. I think the air mattress on the floor is a good compromise; while it still bothers me to have someone in our room, I can deal with that more easily than the thought of him with someone in our actual bed.

I've been trying to think about exactly what it is about him having sex with others that makes me so anxious and confront it head on, but haven't had much luck yet. Guess I've got a lot of work to do...anyways thanks for the feedback all.
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  #19  
Old 07-14-2013, 03:59 PM
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Originally Posted by 9minutes View Post
The air mattress was blown up and there was a used condom on the floor next to it. I realized what had happened and flipped out a little bit, as he had told me they were going to her house that night so I wasn't expecting the change in plans. My initial reaction was a negative one, but then I realized that I should appreciate the fact that he was considerate enough to blow the air mattress up.
It is a step in the right direction.

As far as the used condom on the floor, that's just rudeness in my world. I don't care what someone does but clean up after yourself. That would irritate me just because it's gross and I don't want to be directly exposed to other peoples cum and juices in a plastic bag (condom) on my floor. Man... have some courtesy people!!

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Originally Posted by 9minutes View Post
I've been trying to think about exactly what it is about him having sex with others that makes me so anxious and confront it head on, but haven't had much luck yet. Guess I've got a lot of work to do...anyways thanks for the feedback all.
I did cognitive therapy with a head shrink at one point, he had me do the "downward arrow" exercise (if I am remembering correctly). It's an exercise designed to weed through the surface worries to get to the core issue. It generally ends up pointing to fear of being alone, fear of being worthless... that kind of stuff. It was super helpful for me in figuring out what is *actually* bothering me and it never had anything to do with what the people around me were doing. That shit is all internal.

Personally I think that your being aware that these feelings are internally motivated is a HUGE step. Most people never get that far.
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  #20  
Old 07-14-2013, 04:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I donít really know if Iím asking a question, Iím more just frustrated and needed to vent. I donít really know how to go about discussing these things with him in a more productive way.
I am sorry you are frustrated.

I hope venting helps alleviate some of that.

My suggestions? "Report the weather." And keep it on behavior done/not done when he tries to move the focus away from behaviors to personality/ or character attacks.

If he tries to change the channel to be about how horrible you are rather than actions done/not done? Change it back by "playing the broken record." "Did you do X? yes/no. DId you not do Y? Yes/no."

Don't hamster wheel though. If he's not willing to have constructive conversation and he takes it to destructive conversation? Check out. "You do not seem to be willing to have constructive conversation at this time about actions do do/not do. I am no longer willing to participate. You could check in when you are ready to try again ____ give a date YOU can deal with further down on the calendar_____." Don't let him "chase" you to continue to bully.

I don't know how productive the conversation will be in the end if he's not willing to hear you and come to compromise/resolution, but at least you are keeping the focus in the right spot from your end of it and not adding to the problem.

That's another thing. Could do "traffic cop" and help direct the conversation toward constructive convo. "When you ____ are you ADDING to the problem? Or TAKING AWAY from the problem?"

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When we talk about things that Iím comfortable with, my jealousy seems like more of an inconvenience to him than something he wants to help me through.
Could ask if he's willing to provide you with support as you work out jealousy and do this by reading articles. And doing the page 5/6 things with you.


Quote:
I've told him Iím uncomfortable with the idea of him having sex with someone else in our bed, because I need to feel that thereís a private space thatís just for us.
Reasonable limit/reason/boundary. As co-owner of the bed you have input on that.

Quote:
I felt like even though he stated that he respected what I was comfortable with and what I wasnít, it was just something he said to try to convince me to be more comfortable with what was convenient for him.
That whole bed thing? You called that one correctly.

He says he resepcts your limit, but then snidely calls you "rigid" trying to make it be about your character/personality rather than his failure to accept a limit and deal with his disappointment about it. That YOU are "mean" to him for not giving him his way/smoothing things for him.

Could "report the weather" and keep it on actions done/not done by each player.

"Thank you for saying that you respect that I want to keep our bed just for us. Thank you for checking in to renegotiate boundaries. That is respectful toward me.

When you keep pushing, and you make snide remarks, attack my personality/character... that is not respectful toward me. (<--- Behavior done, not done.)

I would prefer you were consistently respectful toward me. Could you be willing to be consistently respectful toward me? (<--- what you would like)

I am willing to help you learn to deal with disappointment. I am not willing for you to bully me so you don't have to experience disappointment.

I have no other solution suggestion beyond talk to M and buy a new bigger bed over THERE for you to use. I am not willing to brainstorm more than that.
See? Report the weather. Actions he does/could do/ask for his willing to do. Actions you do/could be willing to do.

Quote:
Another example, the other night we were both going to hang out at Mís house to watch TV. He asked me if I was comfortable with him kissing her in front of me, or holding her hand in front of me. I told him that I didnít think I would be, and he said that he was going to try it anyway as a way of testing to see if it made me uncomfortable.
He's fresh. You see that right?

You already SAID it would make you uncomfortable. It does not need him to be "testing."

He doesn't respect your limits. Some people see limits as "challenges" to break down so they can "win." Is he that type?

On your end, could be more assertive in your speech. "No. I am just not comfortable with that." Rather than "I don't think I would be comfortable." To people who love to push boundaries that's like an invitation to push.

Quote:
After we left, I told him that it went too far for my comfort, but that it might have actually been a good thing that it went too far, because it made me more sure of my boundaries. He asked me what those boundaries were, and I said that I would be ok with some affection, but that the way they were full-on spooning made me feel like I was a third wheel. His response was just: ďWell, if it were me, I wouldnít mind feeling like a third wheel for an hour or two per weekĒ and accused me of being selfish and only thinking of how things affect me.
So basically he expects that when he's willing to do something, you automatically have to be willing to do it too? Could ask him if he expects this of you.

Could remind him --

Selfish -- thinking only of my needs at the expense of others.
Selfless -- thinking only of other people needs at my own expense.
Self-full -- thinking of my needs and others needs in a balanced way.

He sounds selfish.

He sounds like he wants YOU to be selfless for his benefit.

Some selfish people call YOU selfish when they don't get their way. They you will jump up to do the thing they want to "prove" how unselfish you are. Then they get their way "from the back door" so to speak. Could decline to participate in that game.

Quote:
Iím starting to feel like I donít even want to talk about what Iím comfortable with or not, because itís just met with hostility and resentment. Am I way off base here?
Don't blame you for feeling that way. Because that is what is happening.
When he doesn't get his jollies (whatever they happen to be) he acts out at you. Then you are drained.

But that doesn't mean you stop voicing your concerns. Voice them. When he tantrums, report the weather. Keep the focus where it needs to be. Maybe reading about emotional vampires could help you find other management strategies here. Or conflict resolution.

Quote:
Iím not even trying to tell him what he can and canít do with M when Iím not aroundóthese issues that have come up recently are related to things that directly affect me (i.e. our bed, and how comfortable I am with him being affectionate with her when Iím around.)
Could point all that out. You are not telling him what he can/cannot do with M on their own time. But in the places where it affects you, you WILL state your reasonable boundaries and you DO expect them to be honored.

Quote:
My initial reaction was a negative one, but then I realized that I should appreciate the fact that he was considerate enough to blow the air mattress up.
You seem to be rationalizing poor behavior.

Him meeting your agreement to not use the bed, but leaving air mattress and used condom on floor? To me this is called "passive aggressive." He met your boundary. So you can't complain he didn't meet it. But he found a way to "stick it to ya" anyway.

How does this behavior of his inspire feelings of "I can trust him" or "I feel respected by him" in you?

If he owns an air mattress already and they dislike sex on a single bed, why not take this mattress to her flat? Then ALL people's things are met -- they get to have sex not on the single bed, and you get the (Him + me) bed left alone for just (him + me) sex as you requested.

Could ask him if he is willing to be in HEALTHY concurrent relationships with both of you, and expects all players to respect each other's boundaries or not. Because if he doesn't plan on having healthy polyshipping here? Better you know it up front. You are well within your rights to decline to participate because you are not willing to engage in Crazy Town.

You are responsible for your own healths and over all well being.

Galagirl
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