This is Crazy

Okay, so, I am posting this here because I can't talk about it elsewhere (other than with parties involved), and I figured that any advice or questions you guys might have could be a good thing.

Background: My husband and I have been married almost eight years. About seven years ago we started talking about swinging. We talked about it for about three years before we actually did anything. We have been swingers for around four years, though we haven't done much this last year or so.

About two years ago, we started talking about polyamory, because we met a poly couple and were just exploring what it meant. About a year ago, we started talking about it in direct relationship to our family. I loved the idea that poly might allow us to get more out of love, because each person could fulfill different needs in a person.

Hubby was interested in a triad. He thought that would be perfect. While I was all for the idea, I figured it was better to not be stuck in that thought, and that it would put us as "unicorn hunters." (In swinging, unicorn hunters aren't looked at quite the same as in poly. I didn't know this at the time, but it still didn't seem like a good situation to be in. )

Fast forward a bit: a few months ago, we discussed having things move in that direction, but we didn't move forward with it due to family issues.

We were visiting my mom last month. (Here's where it gets a little weird.) My mom had a small get together at her house that included us, her, a couple who are her friends, and a single woman who is her friend. We were all drinking and playing games, when it was suggested that we play a strip game. Things got... interesting. The single woman and my husband fooled around a lot that night, while I was with the couple. It was fun.

End of last month: my mom came to visit us end of last month, with the single woman as her caregiver. (My mom is disabled.) Things got really, really hot here with the caregiver, hubby and me. We have been texting the two weeks that she has been gone.

We will be moving to the state where my mom lives (and the caregiver) in the next few months (hopefully start of September). We talked with her a little bit about the triad thing. She's not a swinger or familiar with poly, but she really likes the idea of dating us. On the one hand, it is really exciting, and on the other hand it's frightening.

Then there is my mom. My mom is 54 and the caregiver is 27. My mom really wants her to be her girlfriend. The caregiver isn't interested. I don't know how to deal with that. It's crazy. I talk with my mom and she talks about how things are going well between them, moving toward a relationship, and then there's this thing that seems to be growing between this woman and us. So... I guess, to me, that's the crazy part.

Yeah, this sounds like a hot cup of cray cray. I'd stay away from your mother's carer, and probably try and discourage your mother from flirting with her carer, or making a move, if I could.

Omigawd. Don't you think you should be kind enough to dissuade your mother and let her know not to get her hopes up, that her caregiver isn't interested?

I would fire the woman if I were your mother. This is very unprofessional behaviour for a caregiver. Either be the sex partner or the employee. Pick one. You can't have both. And for god's sake, keep your orgies separate from your mother's orgies. I swear, every time I think I've heard it all...!

#narrowminded #judgmental #prude #butotherculturesdoitsoitmustbeokay

Seems like there are a lot of different thought processes going on here, and not a lot of actual straightforward communication.

You say the caregiver is interested in dating you two.
Have you discussed with her how that would go?
Would she only date you together, or would you all have individual dates, as well?
Would there be a long-term goal of her moving in with your family?
Or would she be free to date others as well, and potentially start her own family?

Then your mom is interested in the caregiver and thinks they are moving towards a relationship.
Is the woman even aware of your mom's feelings about her?
Is she in any way encouraging this?
If she is aware, does she plan on telling your mom, using very clear/direct language, that she is not going to date her?
Or is she interested in your mom, too?
How would you feel if she wanted a relationship with all of you?
Have you told your mom that you're interested in her caregiver, as well?

Honestly, I wouldn't move forward until everyone's on the same page. I probably wouldn't move forward at all, though, because this woman is responsible for your mother's care.
What if you date, things go poorly, and your mom's care suffers because of it?

This is way too much "mixing business with pleasure" for my tastes, but it's worked before and I'm sure it can work again. I'm just not that big of a risk taker. lol

Interesting

That was far more interesting than I thought it would be...

I know that the thing that needs to happen the most is some real communication. Unfortunately, until we move that won't be happening. I know I just need to be patient.

I really don't know what to do with my mom. I have discouraged her from going after a young woman in her employ, but she just keeps telling me it hasn't done any harm to their work relationship.

The caregiver has told me that she has told my mom straight out that she's not interested, and for awhile my mom had stopped talking about it. But obviously I wasn't there, so I don't know what was said. I sorta feel caught in the middle and would rather not be there.

My h and I have talked about dating with her, both together and separately. Part of me wants to run away because of the complications with my mom, but we both really like her, and she seems to really like us (and not just for sex).

As for keeping my orgies separate from my mother's... Well... It's my choice, and it could be okay, so no need to be judgmental about it. As for me, I wouldn't have called it an orgy, since no one had sex, just fooled around. I didn't see my mom, because I was on the other side of the room, and a bit drunker than I should have been. And finally, I woke up with the "Oh my gawd" thing in the morning... so I won't be doing anything of the sort again.

Eh... I think I just have too much packed into my brain and nowhere to work it all out at.

Jerry... Jerry.. Jerry.

You know if this woman is a professional nurse, CNA or LPN you could be risking her career

This is so unethical it isn't funny on many levels.

Dagferi said:

Jerry... Jerry.. Jerry.

You know if this woman is a professional nurse, CNA or LPN you could be risking her career

This is so unethical it isn't funny on many levels.

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Oh come on stop it. As long as they're all ADULTS, it doesn't affect anyone else.

Where is dirtclustit? This thread is begging for more of the same.

searching4answers said:

I wouldn't have called it an orgy since no one had sex, just fooled around.

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How is "fooling around" not sex? Was there making out? Were fingers involved, lips, grinding while clothed? It's all sexual, even if you don't call it sex per se.

searching4answers said:

I didn't see my mom cause I was on the other side of the room and a bit drunker than I should have been.

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Do you mean to say you were fooling around with your mother IN THE SAME ROOM?

Now I've read a lot of disturbing things, like that woman who came here asking us what we thought about her fucking her daughter's FWB and wondering why so many of us were creeped out by it.

But...

I hope you realize that drunkenness is no excuse. Why are you even thinking about continuing such creepy craziness? Stay away from this situation -- if this is real! It's rather hard to believe that anyone would not have the wherewithal, common sense, and just plain normal social graces to know that the whole situation is fucked up and to be avoided.

Is your mum's caregiver privately hired by your family as a private nurse/caregiver, voluntarily caring for her because she knows her, or is she employed by an agency like a home care/sitting service?

It is incredibly unethical, if she is not just doing it out of the goodness of her heart and as a friend. This woman has the right to do what she wants in her off time, but as soon as she realised the caregiver-client relationship with your mum was overstepping boundaries and pushing limits, she should have stepped back, reported it to her boss to be documented, requested to be moved, or whatever, if she is an employee of a company.

As far as you and your DH, pump the brakes on your hormones. How long have you known this woman? I realise it is awesoooommme to have this hot-bi-babe damn near jumping for joy at the prospect of possibly being part of a triad. But seriously, what do you really know about this woman?

Somebody is confused, leading someone on, or reading signals wrong. I wonder what impression this caregiver has been giving your mum. Who is to say that this woman and your mum did not have something going on? This situation is all kinds of messed up. The caregiver is claiming that she told your mum it would never be a romantic relationship, but your mum is saying it is progressing towards a relationship. Those are on two opposite ends.

I would not touch this. Find another woman. Go on OkCupid, speed date, check out your friends, or whatever. Somebody is going to get hurt if this continues, and by the looks of it, your mum will be the one who gets hurt. She stands to not only lose someone she really cares about, but her caregiver.

all this and that aside

I am curious to know what people think of the hypothetical situation that a mother and daughter happen to have the same boyfriend.

forget all the job ethics, or that one of them may not be able to deal with it, as all of it is a moot point depending on situations that do not include all the what ifs like a mother daughter threesome or something like the boyfriend having sex with one then exiting the room and immediately having sex with other.

Without all the excuses and reasons, flat out, do you think it is wrong for a mother and daughter to have the same boyfriend, when their relationships with the same boyfriend are completely separate, like metamours who have never met (is that even really a metamour?)

forget that last metamour question, just the one about whether or not you think it is OK for a mother and daughter to have the same boyfriend, without all the silly excuses of why it wouldn't work, just whether or not it is OK

No it is NOT okay, OKAY?

Oh thank god you're finally here. I know it's mushroom season where you live and i was wondering if you were within range of a mothership or not.

Some people are into incest. Sometimes it's role playing, sometimes it's the real thing. Edgey fetishland for sure.

So, this is borderline incest, playing strip poker with your mom and then making out and heavy petting in the same room with her friends, with her there. Most humans don't and would not do this. But again, it's a fetish.

Fetishes are OK, as long as no one is being hurt, you know, either physically or emotionally.

However, leaving all that aside, there's the professional and communication issues that need to be worked out here. Thinks things through with your brains and not your dicks/clits.

I don't condone incest

and I understand the ethics of why it's wrong to be romantically involved with your boss or employee.

I see how strip poker with your mother is the start of incest, but those are the "excuses" I am talking about, as it seems like they are used as excuses to not answer the harder, more revealing question on a how a person views the boundaries of what is and isn't appropriate ways to love a person.

So I am talking about non-incestuous behavior, such as a man having two completely separate romantic relationships, with a mother and her daughter

Fine. You go have a relationship with a mother and daughter. I'll sit and watch.

Magdlyn said:

Some people are into incest. Sometimes it's role playing, sometimes it's the real thing. Edgey fetishland for sure.

So, this is borderline incest, playing strip poker with your mom and then making out and heavy petting in the same room with her friends, with her there. Most humans don't do this, but again, it's a fetish.

Fetishes are OK, as long as no one is being hurt, you know, either physically or emotionally.

However, leaving all that aside, there's the professional and communication issues that need to be worked out here. Thinks things through with your brains and not your dicks/clits.

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As long as no one is being hurt.

As long as everyone is ok with it.

When do they ever post here because no one is hurt and everyone is ok with it? Are all these poly-incestual families just quietly and happily going about their lives with no drama, just like all the happy triads out there that we never hear from?

Yo! To all the successful incestuous poly families out there! We want to hear from you! Make yourself heard! Speak up! Don't be ashamed of your fetish!

I'm down for it.

BoringGuy said:

Yo! To all the successful incestuous poly families out there! We want to hear from you! Make yourself heard! Speak up! Don't be ashamed of your fetish!

I'm down for it.

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I've actually chatted with a couple of people into it over at Fetlife. This board is too mainstream for it.

Wha wha, wha, wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???

Why would you evn consider causing your own mother such pain, OP?

Did she beat you with metal hangers or sommat? Because I would think only severe abuse is the only justification for treating your mother thus.

Shame, shame, shame...

Magdlyn said:

I've actually chatted with a couple of people into it over at Fetlife. This board is too mainstream for it.

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I guess i'll have to take YOUR word for it, but are you sure they were for real? They weren't just making shit up to get off?

Nope, we weren't cybersexing, they were just telling me about their lives. Like, "What did you do last weekend?" "Oh, I did xyz with my mom and dad."

Or, the other person, "I did xyz with my gf and her husband and their son."

I was just curious and open-minded about it, and they didn't get to talk about it much, so I just listened. Then we'd talk of other topics. *shrug* People find me easy to open up to.