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Old 07-09-2013, 02:51 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Hello! My husband of 7 years and I just began talking about opening our relationship up late last week, and since then, I've been reading everything I can find online. I was very happy to find this forum.

Our situation is that I was married once before for almost 10 years, and it ended in divorce for many reasons, but one being that my ex-husband was happy with having sex once a month, and I wasn't.

My husband now is happy with sex about once a week, but my drive has always been much stronger - I would prefer once a day, or more, if I could stop chaffing. Over the years, we've struggled with our mismatched needs and he has been very accommodating with both helping me masturbate and trying to increase his libido to keep up with me. When we do have sex, he is giving and caring and very attentive to my every need - the only complaint I have is the quantity, not the quality.

So, last week I got the courage to talk to him about opening our relationship. Neither of us are bi, and he is not interested in having a relationship with another woman at this time. He is very much an introvert, and says he is satisfied right now, other than the stress he feels from knowing he isn't meeting my sexual needs. So, we've been discussing me finding a boyfriend.

I'm not sure where my comfort zone is with the entire idea - I don't feel I'd be able to enjoy myself with casual encounters, one-night stands or even a regular fuck buddy. I like to be connected on a deeper, emotional level with my partners. However, I still feel conflicted with the traditional thought that by establishing that sort of bond with someone other than my husband would be a betrayal.

Reading a lot has helped this. My husband says he is more comfortable with the thought of me having a relationship, rather than multiple flings, due to STD concerns and just knowing how I am. He says he is on board though, with whatever makes me happy. At the same time though, he's been teary because he says it's hard to admit that he isn't enough for me sexually. We are both trying to wrap our heads around what this sort of change will look like while giving each other the emotional support we both need right now.

Baby steps, right?

We have agreed that the less number of rules, the better. We are still discussing things - condoms are a must and I will need to share calendars, but we don't want to discuss limits without the 3rd person. He would like to have a positive relationship with my new partner, if possible as friends, or at least to feel comfortable hanging out once in a while. We probably won't be out to our extended families right away, but could visit that idea if the relationship grew more serious.

As we continue this discussion, do you have any advice? Thank you for reading all of this!
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Old 07-09-2013, 05:04 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Hi Bluebird and welcome!
I think you are starting from the right end of things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
I like to be connected on a deeper, emotional level with my partners. However, I still feel conflicted with the traditional thought that by establishing that sort of bond with someone other than my husband would be a betrayal.
This is the first thing to be addressed, IMO. My advice is that do not act before this feeling is totally gone. We are talking ethical non-monogamy, and to be ethical it needs to be in harmony with your own moral rules. Do change these moral views first and you will save yourself and your husband a lot of heartache. Poly relationships are complex enough without the inner struggle of whether you are doing right or wrong. Do not wrong against your moral self.

This can be achieved through educating yourself, just like you have already noticed. It definitely was a good idea to post here, because discussion and feedback from other people will likely help your process as well. Of course it would be good if you could discuss this in person with someone poly, but I can see how that might not be so easy. Education only is not enough, you need to adjust your emotions to your new morals and ethics and that might take a while.

Keep on reading! And good luck with exploring polyamory!
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Last edited by Nadya; 07-10-2013 at 03:40 AM.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:54 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Bluebird,
Welcome to our forum.

It seems to me that a lot of people have close emotional relationships with other people outside their marriage, and are not considered unfaithful because sex is not involved. It always seemed in reverse to me to say that sex is the minor issue, and forming a close emotional connection constitutes the unfaithfulness. But, I don't seem to have many conversations where people agree with my perspective, so I just try to take it on faith when their perspective differs.

I don't have any advice other than what you have been following: baby steps, and lots of reading. Since you are registered here now, take the opportunity to post as well, with specific thoughts, concerns, and questions that may come to you.

Polyamory may be a good solution for you and your husband. Good luck as you start out on your poly journey.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-09-2013, 11:56 PM
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Hi Bluebird,

My gf of 4 1/2 years also had a lower libido than I do. Sometimes she'll want it 3 days in a row, then we might go 2 weeks with nada. We have been poly the whole time we've been together and she is pleased I get my excess sexual needs met with others. Sometimes it turns her on and she gets extra aroused to know what I did, and then I get more from her!

Likewise, my bf of 1 1/2 years is married and his wife has a very low libido, I'd say they only do it like 4 times a year. They have been together 25 years and he's always had a gf. We see each other once or twice a week and usually have several sex sessions per 24 hour date. We occasionally have some cybersex in between dates too!

I hope your husband can develop compersion for you getting your needs met, instead of feeling inadequate. No one should ever be ashamed of their sex drive or specific sexual needs (kink-wise). We are all unique special snowflakes! Some people are asexual, and then some are like us.

Good luck working it out, and I hope you find a great bf or 2!
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Old 07-10-2013, 12:35 AM
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Default Read some books together!

Since you like to read, try Opening Up by Tristan Taormino or Polyamory in the 21st Century by Deborah Anapol.
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Old 07-10-2013, 03:27 AM
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Hi and welcome


You want to be connected on a deeper emotional level .....is that code for love.

Have you discussed falling in love with said new partner or partners ? Will you be ok with someone falling in love with you. What happens with you find mr perfect ....physically, mentally, spiritually .....with a higher sex and more imaginative than you.
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Old 07-10-2013, 11:58 AM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Thanks for all of the responses - they have sparked a lot of good discussions between my husband and I! Number one being Nadya's comment on making sure my fear of betrayal is completely addressed. It is definitely a hang up I have - not my husband. He says he believes I am projecting a lot of emotions on to him, things he isn't feeling at the present time. He is correct. Right now I think we are both really concerned about how the other is processing the change to our relationship. We both feel that individually we are ok, but what about the other person?! I believe that once we start trusting that the other is being completely honest and open about their feelings, we will both be ok. The good news is that we already do have that trust, but we've never had this potential of a bombshell going off in our relationship, so it is making us hesitant to move forward quickly. Which, I guess is a positive.

What I think is really interesting is that both he and I agree with Kevin T. - in that for me at least, connecting on an emotional level seems more "dangerous" than the sex. Meaning, that is what I think of being a betrayal, more than the sleeping around. It seems more intense, if that makes sense.

Over the years that we have been together, we have had many discussions about our mismatched sex drives. I have never wanted my husband to feel inadequate or that there is something wrong with him. I actually see it as more as a deficit within myself, to be honest. I've done a lot of reading about sex addictions and nymphos, but I don't believe I am at that level of horny. Lol i'm not addicted to porn or cheating. However, I was able to recognize in my first marriage that once a month was woefully inadequate for my needs. So this has been an issue from the very start of our marriage together - my husband knew that I need some sort of sexual release once a day, and we've worked really hard on communicating about how this effects our relationship. It has really put a strain on us in some ways because sometimes I feel he is just going through the motions, to make sure I'm happy. I don't want pity sex. That isn't sexy, or satisfying to me. We have had tons of talks about this, for years.

I think I would be happiest to find myself in a polyfi relationship, with me as the V between two wonderful guys. Maybe this is a bit of unicorn hunting on my end. I would be ok with the other guy being poly too though, and maybe I will end up with more than one lover.

Dingedheart, I think any type of love that arises between my new partner, or partners, and I will be different than what I already have with my husband. Gosh, if I could find Mr. perfect, wouldn't that be something? But I'm just looking for perfect-for-me at this time, and I'm a pretty easy going sort of person. We have talked about falling in love with others, which is why I am hoping that my husband and Mr. New Guy can be cool with each other - so this can be a positive lifestyle for all of us.

I have a book list started already!
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Old 07-12-2013, 01:27 AM
Starseed Starseed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
Thanks for all of the responses - they have sparked a lot of good discussions between my husband and I! Number one being Nadya's comment on making sure my fear of betrayal is completely addressed. It is definitely a hang up I have - not my husband. He says he believes I am projecting a lot of emotions on to him, things he isn't feeling at the present time. He is correct. Right now I think we are both really concerned about how the other is processing the change to our relationship. We both feel that individually we are ok, but what about the other person?! I believe that once we start trusting that the other is being completely honest and open about their feelings, we will both be ok. The good news is that we already do have that trust, but we've never had this potential of a bombshell going off in our relationship, so it is making us hesitant to move forward quickly. Which, I guess is a positive.

What I think is really interesting is that both he and I agree with Kevin T. - in that for me at least, connecting on an emotional level seems more "dangerous" than the sex. Meaning, that is what I think of being a betrayal, more than the sleeping around. It seems more intense, if that makes sense.

Over the years that we have been together, we have had many discussions about our mismatched sex drives. I have never wanted my husband to feel inadequate or that there is something wrong with him. I actually see it as more as a deficit within myself, to be honest. I've done a lot of reading about sex addictions and nymphos, but I don't believe I am at that level of horny. Lol i'm not addicted to porn or cheating. However, I was able to recognize in my first marriage that once a month was woefully inadequate for my needs. So this has been an issue from the very start of our marriage together - my husband knew that I need some sort of sexual release once a day, and we've worked really hard on communicating about how this effects our relationship. It has really put a strain on us in some ways because sometimes I feel he is just going through the motions, to make sure I'm happy. I don't want pity sex. That isn't sexy, or satisfying to me. We have had tons of talks about this, for years.

I think I would be happiest to find myself in a polyfi relationship, with me as the V between two wonderful guys. Maybe this is a bit of unicorn hunting on my end. I would be ok with the other guy being poly too though, and maybe I will end up with more than one lover.

Dingedheart, I think any type of love that arises between my new partner, or partners, and I will be different than what I already have with my husband. Gosh, if I could find Mr. perfect, wouldn't that be something? But I'm just looking for perfect-for-me at this time, and I'm a pretty easy going sort of person. We have talked about falling in love with others, which is why I am hoping that my husband and Mr. New Guy can be cool with each other - so this can be a positive lifestyle for all of us.

I have a book list started already!
Hi Bluebird!

Thank you for being here and sharing so much with us. I want to address what you've talked about in mis-matched sex drives. I would suggest you not think in terms of this being a deficit within you! Each of us is unique and we each have different desires, different drives. You are just "right" as you are. I had the same mis-match in my 18 year marriage with my former wife. She was happy making love twice a month and I was (and always have been) much like you in that I desire/need to make love 5 to 7 days a week.

For about the last 12 of the 18 years we were married, it was a topic that came up a lot for us and my former wife suggested that there was something a bit "off" or "wrong" with me because my sex drive was so strong. Even though I intuitively knew better, it took me several years to set aside what she told me and come to terms with my normal needs and desires.

It was one of the reasons we divorced and from my perspective, it was not necessary. What would have been cool is if she had been open to poly, but she was not. I wish you and your husband the best and I sure hope you can both feel poly is working well for you. Its the best option in my opinion and well worth the effort, and commitment involved for each person.

Blessings,
Dan
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  #9  
Old 07-12-2013, 04:25 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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My piece of advice-since you seem into reading, in addition to the books suggested above,
is go hit the blog page on here and read through some of those.

There's a lot of info there about what works and what doesn't-in real life.
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Old 07-12-2013, 04:44 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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Hi Bluebird and welcome to the forum.
I hope you the best in your journey! Currently I'm going on a test kick. I'm taking every personality test from "The Five Love Languages" to the "MBTI" And even the silly ones on OKC just for fun My partner is as well. This gives us an opportunity to discuss ourselves without being all, "I'm this way, I need to you do these things for me".
A communication basis and dynamic we never had before our own Opening Up.

These tests are never going to be able to explain you right down to a "T" but the lay the ground work in setting directions and areas of communication.
For example, Crux never made the connection that my love language was Touch. Now I see a very big difference in his interaction with me. And we get a kick out of reading the end summaries of the tests and joking, "Oh that is sooo you!"
We've even realized that according to the Internet our Meyers-Briggs personalities are udder opposites and are apparently "dundundun" doomed. We laugh, we k ow where we are coming from and it's worked ok for us for 6 years but the past year has been tenfold better!
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