Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-07-2013, 05:45 PM
mhjb2801's Avatar
mhjb2801 mhjb2801 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: NE wisconsin
Posts: 10
Default to try still or not...

So about 2 months ago i met a someone... things were going great this was their 1st poly involvement and things went really good for a couple of weeks but i knew he was having issues with the whole she's married but dating thing. I gave him some space to work things out, fast forward 3 weeks of hearing nothing to us getting ready to go out again as he says he's worked thru his feeling and issues. Well the day we were suppose to go out we were texting back and forth to each other. About 2 hours before our date i get a text that his girlfriend(who wasn't there 3 weeks before and this is the 1st I've heard of her) found them and is pissed. He then states he's talked to her about getting into poly but she isn't into it.

Now here's the issue I have, I don't care that there is a girlfriend. In fact I welcome it and am for it but I'm not for him being dishonest with me that there was a girlfriend and still willing to go thru with a date with me knowing she isn't okay with Poly. He's still wanting to be with me and is trying to work out things with her. I'm not sure if I like this idea because in many ways it makes me feel like a cheater in the fact she's so far been not cool with everything.

Should I just write this off or give it a try still?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-07-2013, 05:56 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 823
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mhjb2801 View Post
this is the 1st I've heard of her) found them and is pissed. He then states he's talked to her about getting into poly but she isn't into it.
Quote:
being dishonest with me
Quote:
He's still wanting to be with me and is trying to work out things with her.
Are you serious?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-07-2013, 06:00 PM
mhjb2801's Avatar
mhjb2801 mhjb2801 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: NE wisconsin
Posts: 10
Default

discussed this with husband and also with a few other poly friends who both are mixed on to give him a chance or not if he works his stuff out because he's still new to this and seems like this is his thing. This is the 1st time he's been dishonest and as pointed out the whole girlfriend thing could of been something he wanted to talk about in person vs over the phone/text.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-07-2013, 06:06 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 823
Default

I think if you really want to, no advice on the net will dissuade you, but as long as the gf is opposed you can't actually see him or else it will be cheating wouldn't it?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-07-2013, 06:50 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 747
Default

People will occasionally make mistakes - especially when exploring behavior that is adverse to what we are taught by society. The question is whether or not this is mistake or a pattern of behavior? Unfortunately at this early date you have no way of knowing.

As for the other gf, that his relationship to manage; not yours. However, how he manages it will again speak to a pattern of behavior.

On the issue of cheating..., cheating is deceiving someone. The fact that she doesn't like and he chooses to do it anyway, is perhaps stupid, but not deceitful.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-07-2013, 07:01 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 823
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post

On the issue of cheating..., cheating is deceiving someone. The fact that she doesn't like and he chooses to do it anyway, is perhaps stupid, but not deceitful.
I think that depends entirely on what he says to the gf.
"I'm polyamorous, I see other people, you can either take it or take a hike" May not in your eyes be cheating but it sure isn't Poly.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-07-2013, 07:37 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 747
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I think that depends entirely on what he says to the gf.
"I'm polyamorous, I see other people, you can either take it or take a hike" May not in your eyes be cheating but it sure isn't Poly.
Totally agreed. It isn't poly. The question, however, regarded cheating.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-07-2013, 09:54 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 823
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Totally agreed. It isn't poly. The question, however, regarded cheating.
I said 'in your eyes' for a reason. I don't happen to agree with it. The OP may have her ideas also, at this point we don't have the details.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-07-2013, 10:23 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,691
Default

It can and often does, take a formerly mono couple months, if not years, to feel good about, safe about, opening their relationship.

When I was newer to poly, I had a first date with a guy who told me his wife would be fine with him and me dating... We'd been IMing for months. He lived a couple hours away so I wanted to be sure.

So, we finally met and since we felt close, we had sex and did other romantic stuff.

Then he actually told his wife about me! Long story short, HER version of good poly was, she can date guys, he can date guys (he's bi), but casual sex only for him and no women and no romance!

They had actually had a live in partner for a while, a man for her to love and him to have gay sex with... this did not translate to him dating ME.

I'd say back off and let those 2 work out how poly will work for them before you get your heart more entangled with his.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-08-2013, 05:04 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mhjb2801 View Post
About 2 hours before our date i get a text that his girlfriend(who wasn't there 3 weeks before and this is the 1st I've heard of her) found them and is pissed. He then states he's talked to her about getting into poly but she isn't into it.
Drama!

Some mistakes are excusable due to inexperience. In my opinion, repeated lying is not among them. She's lied to you about her, and to her about you. To me, that appears not as beginner's mistake, but a pattern of deception.

Ultimately, it's up to you. You write your own ethical book. This smells very messy and isn't likely to work out in the long run. Lot of heartache for nothing, me thinks. Personally, I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. I only involve myself with people who are open and honest, and whose partners sincerely support this relationship style. Not only do I find that helps me sleep better at night, but it also keeps things much less dramatic. I don't like drama.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
May not in your eyes be cheating but it sure isn't Poly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Totally agreed. It isn't poly.
Please don't presume to define polyamory for everyone. It may not be how you do poly, but that doesn't mean "it's not poly."

Labels, labels, labels. This is why I abhor them. Who cares if it's "poly" or "cheating" anyway? What purpose does it serve to wrap the behaviour up in a neat package and paste a printed sticker on top? Does it change the behaviour? Does it present automatic solutions? Or does it merely make you feel smug and superior to classify it and distance yourself from that label?
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:13 AM.