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Old 07-04-2013, 04:04 PM
ihardlyknowsir ihardlyknowsir is offline
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Unhappy New and Confused

Hi all. I'm a 20 year old female full-time student who has recently become involved in a polyamorous relationship. I met him about a month ago, and had no previous experience with being in a poly relationship, in fact, I didn't even know there was such a thing. After talking with him and doing some reading/research of my own I've found that a poly lifestyle is what I'm after.

With that said, I had originally been only interested in him, and had accepted the fact that he would be seeing other people. But I realized that I too would like to see other people, and I brought this up to him. His response was that he was originally drawn to me due in no small part to the fact that I was willing to be committed to him. He said that he wouldn't stop me from seeing other people if that's what I wanted, but that I would probably see less of him than I am now.

It's hard for me to deal with him taking a weekend to spend time with another partner, when I feel like I can't be with anyone else. I know he said that I can if I want, but I feel like if I do, I will lose having him in my life.

This is all new and confusing, and it's hard to find anyone to talk to about this, so I hope someone here may be able to help. Thanks!
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  #2  
Old 07-04-2013, 04:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ihardlyknowsir View Post
Hi all. I'm a 20 year old female full-time student who has recently become involved in a polyamorous relationship. I met him about a month ago, and had no previous experience with being in a poly relationship, in fact, I didn't even know there was such a thing. After talking with him and doing some reading/research of my own I've found that a poly lifestyle is what I'm after.

With that said, I had originally been only interested in him, and had accepted the fact that he would be seeing other people. But I realized that I too would like to see other people, and I brought this up to him. His response was that he was originally drawn to me due in no small part to the fact that I was willing to be committed to him.
Hmm, it sounds like he really doesn't understand what polyamory is. One can have multiple relationships and also be committed to each person. Whether or not you see other people doesn't necessarily mean you are not committed. It is assumptions like this that piss poly people off - there is the misunderstanding that if you have more than one relationship, that none of them can be "serious" and committed. That is fucking ignorant.

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Originally Posted by ihardlyknowsir View Post
He said that he wouldn't stop me from seeing other people if that's what I wanted, but that I would probably see less of him than I am now.
Well, of course he can't stop you, unless he chains you up in his basement.

Furthermore, it only makes sense that you will have less time to see him, if you will be seeing other people. What is the problem?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ihardlyknowsir View Post
It's hard for me to deal with him taking a weekend to spend time with another partner, when I feel like I can't be with anyone else. I know he said that I can if I want, but I feel like if I do, I will lose having him in my life.
Be careful - you sound like you have already become too dependent on him and overly needy if you've interpreted what he said -- that he will pull back in his involvement with you to allow you more space and room to see other people -- as meaning that you will "lose him."

You only started seeing him a month ago, which is no time at all, and already you're clinging!

Keep in mind - he is not yours to lose. You're just dating, and have only known him a short time. He has other relationships and you want other relationships. You are young, so let yourself experience life and people. You sound a bit too hung up on this guy. Back away a bit, I think distance will be a good thing for you. Date others, see how things go, and don't obsess about him. You still don't even know each other that well at this stage, so don't hang all your relationship hopes on this guy.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-04-2013 at 04:45 PM.
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  #3  
Old 07-04-2013, 05:08 PM
london london is offline
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It doesn't make sense that he views you seeing other people as a lack of commitment if he is going to as well. It sounds like he is being underhand and manipulative about wanting a harem. Nothing wrong with that, but you have to be forthcoming about it.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:09 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Op he is emotionally blackmailing you..

Why should he get his cake and eat it too and leave you with whatever crumbs are left over.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:34 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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You can be committed to more than one person, so seeing others does not logically lessen any commitment you may feel for him. That said, one month of dating is hardly long enough to decide to commit.

It appears he fails to really understand polyamory. His attempts to control you through emotional blackmail show this. It seems to me he wants you to do all the heavy lifting in your relationship - work through the tough emotions, while requiring no such thing for himself.

The inequity in your situation will not be viable long term. You will come to resent it if you haven't already.
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Old 07-04-2013, 09:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ihardlyknowsir View Post
With that said, I had originally been only interested in him, and had accepted the fact that he would be seeing other people. But I realized that I too would like to see other people
You have identified what you want to do.
Now go out and live your life.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ihardlyknowsir View Post
and I brought this up to him. His response was that he was originally drawn to me due in no small part to the fact that I was willing to be committed to him
The English language is rich and we don't have to use big clunky words like "committed" which has a slew of applications when what is actually being said can be expressed concisely with the appropriate word.

As others have said, you can be committed to as many people you would like to be. What you can only do with one person is be exclusive, which is what he thought you were and is what he liked about you.

That is his issue to deal with; you get to live your life and he gets to live his. Currently it sounds like you are trying to meld your lives into one.

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Originally Posted by ihardlyknowsir View Post
He said that he wouldn't stop me from seeing other people if that's what I wanted, but that I would probably see less of him than I am now.
Is he just stating that the time space continuum will not be ruptured by your dating someone else? That is, if you are dating someone else in addition to him that you will (obviously) see less of someone since you don't have a time machine?

Or, and more likely, is he giving you an ultimatum and is "emotionally blackmailing" you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ihardlyknowsir View Post
I know he said that I can if I want, but I feel like if I do, I will lose having him in my life.
You are enforcing a highly dependent power dynamic here. Unless you have internet in your cell I'm assuming that you are a free adult. Since you are a free adult you do not have to take orders from people nor wait for them to give you permission to live your life however you want. You want to date someone else, go date them, stop asking for permission.

If this is a dominant/submissive sort of set up then so be it; otherwise you are setting yourself up to be a doormat.
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  #7  
Old 07-04-2013, 10:21 PM
london london is offline
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You can even have a poly 24/7 Master/slave dynamic where they do not dictate who you date. You just have to find people who have compatible views with you on such relationships.
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  #8  
Old 07-07-2013, 09:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
His response was that he was originally drawn to me due in no small part to the fact that I was willing to be committed to him. He said that he wouldn't stop me from seeing other people if that's what I wanted, but that I would probably see less of him than I am now.
Fair enough. He states his preferences.

(I will assume positive intent here rather than assume he's some manipulator. You are there -- you know if he's a manipulator or not. )

So go see who you want to see, because you are not happy being exclusive to him while he has other partners.

And let the relationship with him naturally settle to wherever it is that it will. Date once a week, once a month, whatever it is. And you both evaluate at THAT point in time if it is still worth the return on the investment and if you are both happier with the new boundaries.

Or just break it off now because you already know it isn't worth it now.

Quote:
I know he said that I can if I want, but I feel like if I do, I will lose having him in my life.
So you are willing to choose an arrangement you already KNOW makes you unhappy rather than try a new arrangement to see if it serves you both better?

You sound like you like the partner well enough but not the arrangement. So could agree to try some other arrangement for the next 3 mos and see if that serves you both better. You can always try some other arrangement with this partner if that doesn't serve either. OR go back to how it was. Who knows. But could TRY something.

Keep in mind that this is a dating partner you have been dating for only a month. And this is what the dating time is FOR -- to get to know each other, and each other's wants/needs/limits. To experiment. And in the experimenting... find those people who are compatible or not and find what arrangements serves you best with those compatible people.

Not every dating partner will be a long haul runner.

Not every arrangement with a good partner will last forever either -- school graduation changes things, job schedules could change, housing could change, etc.

Could take it one thing at a time here and be more flexible about trying things out. You don't have to have your life set in stone (or your relationships) at 20 years old.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-07-2013 at 09:33 PM.
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