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  #21  
Old 07-08-2013, 05:11 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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OK, so you're the one pushing for being poly with your husband... And the only "bait" you've got is the hot bi babe. Who would become the sister wife and he'd get to be coddled by both of you sexually and emotionally.

Now, you're ready to give up just at the idea that she might prefer you and he'd not get to have his poly fun.

Think about it. There are so many configurations of poly here, read around, read people's sigs for their relationship status. Some women have 2 bfs, some ppl are married and only see other lovers a few times a year. Some have FWBs and are dating others, trying to find another decent person. Some people are independent and not currently dating. Some are even asexual.

So, you've chosen ONE possible configuration and if it doesn't work out, your h will be so jealous, he'll bail. Well, jealousy can be lived with and then overcome and compersion can result. Takes work though. Many threads here on jealousy! Many articles in cyberland.
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #22  
Old 07-08-2013, 06:13 PM
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xotheladyxo xotheladyxo is offline
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I suppose I have a lot to discuss with my husband before we do anything else. The triad was what seemed to work for us and I'm not sure he would be as open minded to other configurations, but I guess I won't know until we talk. Hopefully he will be open minded and understanding.
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  #23  
Old 07-08-2013, 06:26 PM
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Good luck with the talking. It can really only be to your benefit whatever happens since communication is the key to having healthy relationships, mono and poly!
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  #24  
Old 07-08-2013, 06:55 PM
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Basically it sounds like your husband is ok with poly if he gets a new play thing. Not a good path to start down.

For example when I started seeing other men.. my husband tried to basically blackmail me into partaking in BDSM with him. Which honestly made me feel dirty and nasty. "If I let you see so and so then you will do y for me." I shudder at the memory.
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Last edited by Dagferi; 07-08-2013 at 06:57 PM.
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  #25  
Old 07-08-2013, 06:56 PM
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Beam?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #26  
Old 07-08-2013, 07:25 PM
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Lol.. damn autocorrect. I am posting via my cell.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #27  
Old 07-08-2013, 07:35 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
I suppose I have a lot to discuss with my husband before we do anything else.
Hell, yes! How long have you two been talking about it? Some couples take a year or more to prepare by talking with each other, with others, maybe even counseling, going to poly meet-ups, etc.. I think it's a great idea to read a good poly book together, such as Opening Up by Tristan Taormino or Polyamory in the 21st Century by Deborah Anapol, and review each chapter/issue with each other.

You can also download some worksheets at Taormino's site: Free Downloads from Opening Up

Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
The triad was what seemed to work for us and I'm not sure he would be as open minded to other configurations, but I guess I won't know until we talk. Hopefully he will be open minded and understanding.
There are so many ways to practice poly!
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-08-2013 at 07:38 PM.
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  #28  
Old 07-08-2013, 08:43 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Hi,

please don't get discouraged so soon. First of all: talk to your husband. talk bout how you feel and what you would want. Ask him how he feels. Tomorrow, talk some more, and the day after, talk some more. You seem to be doing a lot of assuming about how he will feel and how he will respond. You won't know for sure until you actually ask him.

Secondly: these things take TIME. A shit load of time. You can't map it out and know what you want. Things change, you meet people, dynamics shift. Once you start down the poly path you won't believe how your thoughts and systems and beliefs will be challenged.

I'll tell you a story. When my husband and I opened up our marriage (this is what we called it at the time - I would never describe it like this now) this is what happened.

We had decided, and agreed, that we would look for another guy to have a threesome with, ideally a guy we could have multiple threesomes with. My husband 'found' them for me online, showed me their profiles, he made initial contact with the guys I fancied, then I would meet them for a drink, husband would join us IF I texted him that I was interested in said guy, we would get to know each other, and make a date for a threesome.

Wow, I never wrote about this on here before, and it almost makes me queasy to write about it now. What were we thinking?

I remember talking to one of these guys, way in the beginning, and I said 'now we would have to meet in a hotel room, for sex, because, you know, my home, that would be way too private.'

The thought that my husband would date someone? Out of the question. The thought alone made me sick.

Fast forward a couple of years. My husband and I both have relationships with others. He just came back from a week long trip to another country with his girlfriend. While he was gone, I entertained my FWB on one night, and had my lover MrBrown over for a BDSM session on another night. Right now I'm house sitting for a friend, and enjoying the time alone. This weekend my bf C will come and visit me here. Oh and tomorrow I'm having dinner with my husband and his ex GF, because she is traveling to a country I've done a lot of research on and I want to give her advice (also, I really like her).

Sometimes I think of that poor guy who was actually looking for a real poly relationship, to be told by me he could only meet me in a hotel room with my husband present.
I've come a long way since that conversation.

Be patient and stay open to all possibilities and don't rush things and don't judge yourself for wanting things a certain way at this moment - just be open to change.

Good luck!
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #29  
Old 07-08-2013, 09:36 PM
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xotheladyxo xotheladyxo is offline
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Cleo,

Thank you very much for your input. I guess it is just hard for me to see the future at this point. I don't know why I am letting myself get so discouraged so quickly. The first time I even suggested having a poly relationship with my husband was while we were looking for our first apartment together and he IMMEDIATELY dismissed the idea. I never nagged, I never pushed, I just let it go. I continued to bring it up now and again to see if his feelings changed and over time he started to open his mind to the idea. Maybe he started to trust me more? I'm not sure. So to answer your question, nycindie, we have been talking about this for a couple of years, but he has only been on board for about 7 months or so. Now he is very open minded to a triad. So I shouldn't jump to conclusions that my husband will be totally against it and this will be the end of our polyamory exploration. This wouldn't be the first thing that I have gotten him into and gotten him to love. We will have to do a lot of talking and reading and thinking together and hopefully we can come to a conclusion that makes us both happy.
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  #30  
Old 07-08-2013, 09:39 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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well, my husband suggested poly / open relationships for the first time about 11 (eleven) ELEVEN!!!! years ago.
I told him he was out of his mind.
so yeah... that's what I mean about being patient.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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