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Old 07-01-2013, 09:34 AM
Bison666 Bison666 is offline
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Default Began dating girlfriend monogamously, she comes out as poly, need emotional support

Hi, this is my first post on this forum. I am looking for some emotional support right now, I am dating the girl of my dreams, and we began as monogomous. She is my first for everything. My first real relationship. My first time making love. My first real mutual attraction. She means the world to me. I had been good friends with her for a long time and knew that I wanted to be with her immediately after I started talking to her because her personality was so perfectly in tune with mine. I was the first person she dated that she said she felt safe with after suffering years of abusive boyfriends, and opened up to me about being molested as a child and how that affected her sex life, and she wanted to work past that with me, and that meant so much to me. It was like we truly had something that was one-in-a-million.
After we had been dating for a few months, and moving in together, she started becoming closer and closer with her ex boyfriend. I trusted her because they had been good friends for a long time and had only dated for a brief period of time. She wound up cheating on me with him while we were still exclusive with each other. First she made out with him and slept shirtless in his bed after going over to his house for what I was told was a group movie night. She told me with a straight face she had cheated on me immediately when she got home the next day, and I was devastated, and bawled for hours. She begged me to forgive her, and I did because I love her so much and I can't stand the idea of being without her. She promised me she'd never hurt me like that again, and I believed her with all of my heart.
A week later she texted me at work and asked if should could hang out with a mutual friend of ours. I was ok with it, I knew the kid and he was a great guy and they were good friends. They went to his house, and her ex wound up showing up. She ended up having sex with him that night while I sat up waiting for her to come home like she promised she would. She didn't get home until early morning, and immediately broke up with me and told me what was going on. Again I was heartbroken, and begged her to stay. We wound up living together and sharing a bed while still broken up. As she was explaining what happend that night, she began turning it on me, naming off all these problems and shortcomings I had that she had never even MENTIONED to me before. She acted like the other guy was this knight in shining armor come to save me from my villainous self who occasionally said mean things or didn't pick up on subtle hints of what she wanted.
About a week later she came to me and announced that she was polyamorous. She wanted to date both myself and her ex, or I guess I should now say her "other boyfriend". I was still hurt but I accepted it. It wasn't easy but dammit I accepted it.
Her ex and I had known each other a while and had become rather close friends before she cheated on me with me. He wanted to make amends, and we went for a walk, since our houses were only a few blocks apart. We went to his place, got some alcohol, and got drunk. We came back to my apartment, and our now shared girlfriend was there, and we began kissing her and massaging her and it eventually turned into a threesome, where I discovered I am bisexual.
This was about three weeks ago. Since then we have traded off with her staying at both of our places, we've had group sex on several occasions, but I've noticed a change in how she behaves towards me. When we are alone she doesn't seem to be as lively or cheerful. When we started dating she was so upbeat and happy around me. I rarely ever see her laugh in private anymore, but when her other boyfriend and I are both with her she's super giddy all the time. When it's just the two of us, she seems much more reserved.
She was very sexual around me, often going out of her way to drive me crazy and make me want her, she was very playful. She'd walk around the house naked, grab me, text me while touching herself, etc. Now I only see the upbeat, cute side and the super sexual side of her when it's all three of us, and I honestly am not comfortable with every single part of our sex life losing its privacy. We'll have sex when it's the two of us, but it's very tame. Oftentimes it feels like she's uncomfortable having her clothes off around me now. I only ever see her act sexually open when all the privacy and intimacy is away and there is a third party, and I don't feel comfortable with that.
I often feel depressed when she is with her other boyfriend. I have trouble falling asleep without holding her, and it hurts to know that she's being held by someone else while I'm all alone. I have no desire to be with anyone else, but she says she doesn't want me to see other girls.
I've also had many instances where she's done things with him, like go certain places, that we had planned on, and it makes me feel interchangeable, like if I don't do everything with her she'll just go to the other guy. I feel like I do everything for her. I cook, I go to the store and buy her soup and medicine when she's sick, I rub her back and feet whenever she asks, I take her shopping and take her to restaurants without ever expecting any of the money to be returned. And after all I do, she rarely does anything in return. I just want to feel appreciated, like what we have is special, and I'm not just part of a collection. I just want her to go out of her way to do something nice for me, to surprise me, to make me feel good when I'm feeling down, without having to asking for it. I want the old feeling we had of driving each other absolutely wild in bed. I want the emotional support we had when we were exclusive, but it feels like lately she's only ever truly happy when she has two guys tending to her needs at once, like I'm just some interchangeable figure in her two-boyfriend fantasy. How can I begin to express all of this without seeming angry or self-entitled? She means the world to me, I just want to know I'm not being taken for granted.
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Old 07-01-2013, 11:02 AM
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graviton graviton is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 317

You are a human doormat. Break up with her NOW! She is manipulative and selfish. You are way to codependent and need to gain some self confidence by dating other people.
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Old 07-01-2013, 12:29 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

This doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic. Why are you having group sex if you're not really into it? Why do you keep pampering her? Why are you not allowed to date others but she is?

I understand you want her back the way she was, but is that possible? Have you talked about this with her?
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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Old 07-01-2013, 02:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,092

This sounds unhealthy for you to be in. I'm sorry you hurt.

I can see where you grieve for what used to be between you, but that's not what you have now. And what you have now isn't serving you. So you could speak up.

You could tell her you feel taken for granted when you do ____ and she does _____. You could ask her if she's willing to stop doing ____ or start doing ___ so you can not feel taken granted.

You could ask her if she's willing to....
  • meet your needs for emotional connection, affection, etc.
  • to demonstrate loving/kind behavior toward you by doing _____.
  • go out of her way to do something nice for you
  • to plan a surprise for you
  • to ask how you are and about your well being without you having to prompt her
  • be supportive with a hug, kind words, etc if she finds you feel low
  • have sex with you in exciting ways again

If you HAVE asked her all these things before and she is NOT willing/able to meet your needs?

You could ACCEPT that she is not willing/able to meet your needs. Just not gonna.

Then you can choose.

1) Let go of some of your wants/needs and stay in this relationship that is uncomfortable indefinitely.

2) Let go of this relationship that does not serve you. Be sad and uncomfortable for a time and them move toward healing and dating anew at some later point.

Both of those stink. Which stinks less?

I know she's been your first everything. And she seems destined to also be your first break up. It's hard, and it sucks.

But you could be in a relationship where you can blossom and THRIVE, rather than cling to a relationship where you barely SURVIVE.

It's up to you. Choose self-respecting behavior -- stop having group sex you really don't want to have, stop doing favors and chores for someone who takes you for granted, stop sharing a GF that you really don't want to share. You cannot ask her to break up with him. But you can ask YOURSELF to step away from behavior you are doing that is causing you pain.

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Old 07-03-2013, 01:11 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

You have become too attached to the first person you ever fucked, moved in together way too soon, and now you are needy and clingy. You need more experiences with other people, to have more relationships, and to stop trying to make a dead relationship work. End it.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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