Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-01-2013, 10:15 PM
Tonya Tonya is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
Unhappy Afraid I'm sabotoging my relationship

I'm in my first poly relationship and while I am excited about the possibilities and having an open relationship with my partner, I can't help but to be afraid and feel threatned by his other developing relationships.

This all started with a lack of honesty and a lie he told last month, I have forgiven him and he apologized sincerely. Only thing is now I'm always wondering if he's telling me the truth about things.

We spent a great Sunday out together and when we got back to his place I started cooking dinner and when I went to offer him something to eat, I noticed he was texting a certain person. Because the person was the same person he had told the lie about last month, I got upset. Now had it been anyone else I would not have cared. This ended up with me getting super worked up and upset and crying and totally ruined our evening. I asked him if he wanted to break up with me, and how he felt etc....Add the fact that we had been having cocktails throughout the day, so I was a little tipsy. I know that made a huge difference as well.

What can I do when these little triggers come up to help me not freak out? I don't want to ruin our relationship by projecting fears of abandonment and having little meltdowns all the time. I'm so scrared of screwing up our relationship that I AM screwing it up!

I don't know what to do. I'm going to see him tomorrow, and I want to be able to talk this out and explain my fears again in a more understandable way but I feel so embarrassed, scared, and stupid I don't know how to even begin. If I don't stop this freaking out, he will indeed break up with me. He says he is happy but he feels like I am the one being tortured. I don't want him to think that because I'm not, but at the same time, I'm obviously having trouble with something or I wouldn't be freaking out.

I'm so scared.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-01-2013, 11:01 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,287
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonya View Post
This all started with a lack of honesty and a lie he told last month, I have forgiven him and he apologized sincerely. Only thing is now I'm always wondering if he's telling me the truth about things.
You are not alone. It seems like almost every person who posts here with a critical meltdown in front of them got this way because someone cheated, feelings were hurt, and everyone was 'forgiven'. I am coming to understand that this *must* be the reason people assume polyamory can't work... because this is how people try it out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonya View Post
What can I do when these little triggers come up to help me not freak out?
You are not over the breach of trust. You are obviously not remotely over the breach of trust. You must get over the breach of trust if you intend for this relationship to continue on. There are some threads on this topic in the Golden Nuggets forum I believe... or just wait a few minutes and GalaGirl will lay it out for you.

Learn to put the breach of trust behind you or save yourself the time and energy and just break off the relationship right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonya View Post
He says he is happy but he feels like I am the one being tortured.
It's pretty obvious that you are being tortured so telling him that you aren't is likely to fall on def ears. Aside from getting over the breach of trust - you want to stop obsessing over this 'relationship' stuff.

Get some exercise
Get a hobby
Hang out with your friends (and stop talking about it for a minute)
Do some reading about open relationships
Do whatever it takes to get your mind off of this, you sound like you're about to burst.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-01-2013, 11:36 PM
Tonya Tonya is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
Default

Thank you Marcus. I'm browsing through the forum now trying to find any posts that may be similar to mine, and reading a few others on communication. I'm constantly reading up on open relationships, but I was just not prepared for my reaction to be so strong. I'm trying to basically arm myself with the tools I need for future situations, but I guess you really can't do that. I don't know...


Yes, I really thought that I had gotten over the trust issue, but obviously I haven't. I have to just let it go or else this will happen again.

And you're absolutely right, at this very moment I feel so anxious and sick to my stomach that I could cry. I'm wouldn't say I'm normally a very emotional person like this, but I'm feeling pretty crappy right now. I just feel like I keep having these little issues and he's so patient and understanding but eventually he may give up and feel it's not worth it. Basically I'm way to much inside of my head with whatifs and being afraid of "when" it will end and how much I don't want to be hurt. I just feel so vulnerable.

Question though - what do you mean by " you want to stop obsessing over this 'relationship' stuff." ?

Am I overthinking everything? Is there a way to just relax and let the card fall as they will and NOT be so scared of screwing things up?

Last edited by Tonya; 07-01-2013 at 11:39 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-01-2013, 11:47 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,287
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonya View Post
Question though - what do you mean by " you want to stop obsessing over this 'relationship' stuff." ?

Am I overthinking everything? Is there a way to just relax and let the card fall as they will and NOT be so scared of screwing things up?
People have a tendency to worry about or try to fix "the relationship"; when the truth is that what they need to be working on is themselves. A relationship is just a pair of individuals who happen to enjoy being together and sometimes share certain life duties (kids, splitting rent, etc). No matter how many parts of life you are partnered on, you are still individuals and the concept of "fixing the relationship" is just a distraction from reality.

Does that make sense?
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-02-2013, 12:26 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,106
Default

(personal opinion to follow)
Trust isn't something that "just comes back" it has to be re-earned.

I cheated, I lied, I came clean, I apologized, I changed.

HOWEVER-that doesn't mean all of a sudden because I said I was sorry and I decided to change that trsut was rebuilt.
It's taken years of me being true to my word and showing that "when the going gets tough" I will continue to be honest and forthright-for that trust to be rebuilt.

Now, I will grant-one lie, one time-shouldn't take years to re-earn trust. But, "I'm sorry" doesn't make it happen.

Stop beating yourself up over the fact that like a normal human, you need to SEE a change before you can believe it.
(there's a reason we always say actions speak louder than words)
He's given you the words-that's great. Going to take some time and trials to see if he follows through with the actions.

Anyway-in the meantime, read through some of the blogs on here-there's a wealth of "how I could have managed better" and "how I navigated xyz emotion" in there.

LR
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-02-2013, 01:15 AM
Tonya Tonya is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
Default

Marcus - Ok yes, I get it. That makes total sense. Thanks again!

LovingRadiance - I know time will tell and it will take a bit of time to see if he'll really be honest with me in the future. I just wish I didn't get so upset, or at least had another way to express myself instead of blowing up like I did. I'm definitely doing more searching in the forums. Thank you for your input as well.

I'm so glad I found this site. It's a great resource!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-02-2013, 06:04 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,106
Default

There are always other options for handling emotions besides blowing up.
Try some of the tried and true basic ones for getting started-you start being emotional and over the top-go for a walk (or jog or run).

Make a point of consciously paying attention to your emotional buckets (search galagirl-her blog has LOTS on emotional buckets) and maintaining them.

DO NOT TRY TO CONVERSE when emotional flooded (same blog-lots of info).

Give yourself time outs-at least 20 minutes. If you give yourself 20 minutes (even better if you do some cardio activity during that 20 minutes) usually you will find that whatever was triggering you-has lessened.

__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-02-2013, 01:18 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default Say no to cardio...

Liquor is quicker.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-02-2013, 03:54 PM
Tonya Tonya is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
Default

Thank you! I'm going to search for her right now.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:33 AM.