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  #31  
Old 06-26-2013, 02:01 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I didn't read the whole thread, but all I would say is just send him a freaking text if you want to, for crap's sake. Do you really need permission first, or to designate a rule before you feel comfortable reaching out to him?

That being said, know that you might not get a reply for two or three days. And really, that isn't a big deal unless you're tapping your toe waiting for an answer. If you find yourself doing that, check yourself and see if you're just indulging in a bit of neediness and clinging on, and becoming overly attached. Expectations can really fuck things up.

My lovers and I have always had breaks of several days in between messages. We just pick up where we left off. I'm not the type of person who needs daily communication from someone, though. Anyone expecting or requiring that from me would feel oppressive, but a spontaneous text letting me know I am in that person's thoughts is nice - however, I would answer it or not, depending on whether it seems like the kind of message that asks for a reply, my mood at the time, or if it's convenient to do so.

Throw out the rule book!
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 08:07 AM.
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  #32  
Old 06-26-2013, 02:09 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I know it is hard..

Honestly there are times my boyfriend is too quiet, my husband that is never a problem, and I need to talk to him. Or he will suddenly fade out of a conversation via text when I could really need to talk to him on an emotional level. Sometimes I just need to hear from him even if it is about nothing.

For example I texted him about how installing the wiper motor on his 55 Chevy went. I teased him a bit about an on going joke between him and I. The conversation stalled on his end. A year ago it would have bothered me. Now while I would like it to continue I know it is just the way he is. You know what he surprised me and called last night and talked my ears off for well over an hour.

As time has went on he has increased how much he communicates with me when we are apart even though I have gotten to a point that I do not need it. I know we're ok even if we don't talk all day long and I only get a single text before he goes into work.

So I do understand how you feel gk. Even though I do not get all wrapped up in a man there's just something about Murf. I am usually the one who gets smothered easily in a relationship. My friends joke that I can end a relationship like ripping off a band aid. But I am an INTJ. personality type and that's how we are. But this man and also my husband have been a wrench in my cogs of my usual way of being. So I know they are special.
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  #33  
Old 06-26-2013, 02:46 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I know it is hard..


So I do understand how you feel gk. Even though I do not get all wrapped up in a man there's just something about Murf. I am usually the one who gets smothered easily in a relationship. My friends joke that I can end a relationship like ripping off a band aid. But I am an INTJ. personality type and that's how we are. But this man and also my husband have been a wrench in my cogs of my usual way of being. So I know they are special.
I feel the same way about BF, he just does something for me that feels so special. Probably why im so love hungry to have more of him. Hubs on the other hand, ive been with for 15 years so im so secure in our relationship and he knows just how to work with me
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  #34  
Old 06-26-2013, 03:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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thoguh this was before we knew his wife was on shakey ground with us being together, so im trying not too bring it up too much.
Again, if you want to know something, you could ASK.

I do not know why getting clear with the wife was not a part of the discussion before, but I see it wasn't. Well, could talk about it now then, to help you KNOW.

Knowing would relieve you of some of this anxiety "aaaaackkk! what if that... what if this..." stuff.

Quote:
Is it possible to be co-primary with someone whos married to someone else?
Anything is possible. Is it possible for you guys like this? I have no idea.

Could ask all players if they are willing, could decide agreements, and could try it on for a time and see. Or not. Could try to be more assertive.

Quote:
I feel the same way about BF, he just does something for me that feels so special. Probably why im so love hungry to have more of him. Hubs on the other hand, ive been with for 15 years so im so secure in our relationship and he knows just how to work with me
There's something to note.

Your relationship with BF is not yet secure because it is newer. Could note that, and chill out on the emotional plane. If you need reassure from BF to help you chill out, could ASK.

You having needs is you having needs. He either meets them or not. You find guys are compatible personalities/love styles or you come to find you are not compatible.

That's that the dating time is FOR. Could get on with it and ask the things you want to know.

Are you worried about dealing with disappointment if you come to find you are NOT compatible after all? Is that the hold up?

Galagirl
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  #35  
Old 06-26-2013, 05:10 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Are you worried about dealing with disappointment if you come to find you are NOT compatible after all? Is that the hold up?

Galagirl
Pretty much, yep. first just to clear it up, when we started dating he told his wife he was into me, and they were already poly so he/we didnt know she was going to end up feeling awkward/jealous about us (i was his first non-mono partner).

As far as the future, asking him. yes im afraid of dissapointment, i love him and i see us with a future together and i dont really want to think about otherwsie so much as it saddens me. We have had talks about how things could def move to place where we were more like 'primaries" and hes said that his emotions dont move as swiftly as mine.
Point in case, we just had lunch together and he was talking about looking for a different job and how it could possible, for the right package, take him out of state. he referenced wanting to stay here for love of his house, proximity to some of his best friends, but didnt mention us. I said nothing, but he sensed i was uncomfortable and pushed me on it. I said I would hope that our relationship was at least on that list, as I would not move away without great consideration to him. He said of coruse I was on the list...then followed it up with 'as all our near by friends are' which warmed the cockles of my heart a little less.
Im thinking i need to really ask him where we are going, so im not crushed later...but also want it to progress naturally and dont want that question to be coming purely out of anxiety.
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  #36  
Old 06-26-2013, 05:25 PM
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Gk you need to slow things down.. your relationship is brand new. I have over a year into my relationship. It took time to get to where we are now.

Plus he has a wife who is not so comfortable with his relationship with you right now. His life is entangled with hers. If they have children it is even worse. She to put it bluntly can make his life hell if she got the urge.

From his comments reguarding the possible move you are not as high up on his ladder of priorities as you place him. Lumping you in with regular friends says a lot. A man's actions speak far louder than words.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #37  
Old 06-26-2013, 05:37 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Gk you need to slow things down.. your relationship is brand new. I have over a year into my relationship. It took time to get to where we are now.

Plus he has a wife who is not so comfortable with his relationship with you right now. His life is entangled with hers. If they have children it is even worse. She to put it bluntly can make his life hell if she got the urge.

From his comments reguarding the possible move you are not as high up on his ladder of priorities as you place him. Lumping you in with regular friends says a lot. A man's actions speak far louder than words.
We've been friends for years, so our relationship progressed kind of quickly that it feels longer than its been, if that makes sense. Im also a jump in with two feet kind of person, which is something he admires about me but i can see how its a drawback.

they dont have kids, but youre right he has a lot to consider on the wife front.

Lumping me in with other friends, yeah that stung. trying to decide if i should let it go or say something.
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  #38  
Old 06-26-2013, 06:08 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Let his actions not his words be your guide.

If he truly cares for you he will show you by his actions. Stop being the catalyst that makes things happen for a bit. Allow him to show you the truth.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #39  
Old 06-26-2013, 06:17 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Let his actions not his words be your guide.

If he truly cares for you he will show you by his actions. Stop being the catalyst that makes things happen for a bit. Allow him to show you the truth.
Thanks hes a sweetheart, just get a little mixed signals sometimes
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  #40  
Old 06-27-2013, 02:34 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Lumping me in with other friends, yeah that stung. trying to decide if i should let it go or say something.
I'd let it go.

To me it sounds like you could think about how you process "disappointed" as a feeling in general.

Whether it is the disappointment like it stinging he doesn't make major life decisions like changing jobs and moving with you in mind at this time.

Or the disappointment of breaking up later down the road if you ask questions in the dating time to get to know each other better and come to find you are not compatible.

It's just going to be what it is as it unfolds.

And some feelings are fun to feel and some are not. That also just is what it is.

But learning how to cope with disappointments is a skill you could develop. Perhaps doing that could help you reduce the anxiety when faced with these things?

Because you could then tell yourself "Whatever it is, I can handle it. I've handled things before. I can handle them again."

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-27-2013 at 02:38 AM.
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