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Old 06-22-2013, 05:47 AM
purelyparadox23 purelyparadox23 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: USA
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Default I'm having two different problems with my boyfriend and my partner

I'm having a bit of an anxious summer. At the moment I am transitioning between college graduation and getting a job/my first apartment with my partner of 7 months while trying to find a way for my English boyfriend of 4 years to get a work visa in the US so he can live with us too. Complicating matters is the fact that my boyfriend is thinking about going to Australia instead (he has family there, but it would set back our efforts to get together) and my partner's mono girlfriend seems very on-and-off about my partner being poly. I've been handling things well for the most part, but this weekend my boyfriend is away on vacation with his family while my partner is visiting his girlfriend in his hometown and suddenly I have a lot of fear and insecurity bubbling up. There are two separate issues going on:
1) My boyfriend is a very in-the-moment person and sometimes I think that he enjoys having a long distance relationship with me because it's easy for him. While I know he is serious about me he hasn't put in any real effort for us to get together in the long run, partly because he's content where he is and partly because his family does all his planning for him and he expects things to be easy. He is a great companion but I get frustrated with him often because I feel like we're not on the same page. My main concern is that me living with my partner will make our long distance relationship harder to maintain. Luckily my boyfriend and my partner get along great, but I want to see an equal amount of both of them to keep things from going out of balance.
2) My partner is more emotionally supportive and on the same page as me, but I don't know about his girlfriend. I sense that their relationship got off on the wrong foot since he didn't tell her he was seeing me at first, and because of that I'm not sure if she will ever really be OK with our poly relationship. Sometimes I feel like I'm the other woman, like when they post lovey-dovey things to each other on facebook for their friends to see. It makes me feel guilty and lonely, maybe a little jealous too as they seem to think of him and his girlfriend as a mono couple. She is genuinely giving it a try but her friends and family are very negative about the situation, and since I haven't met my partner's friends or family yet, I wonder if they think of me as the other woman too. When I'm with him it's like we're in our own little world, but then I see glimpses of his hometown life and friend circle on facebook and it seems like a whole different world that I'm not at all part of.
Anyways, that was a bit longer than I intended but I don't have anyone to talk to about my poly problems and I could use some feedback. Thank you in advance for your help!
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Old 06-22-2013, 08:56 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Is there specific reason why you haven't met his friends and family yet? Do they know about you?
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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Old 06-22-2013, 12:43 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Posts: 467

Hi Paradox,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a bubble of insecurity. I live long-distance from my GF and I know entirely what that is like.

So, how old is your boyfriend? What stage of life is he at? Why is he thinking of going to Australia? Sometimes these things can be a stage of life thing, a personality thing, a lack of commitment thing... there could be a multitude of reasons. The most important thing is that you have noticed is the disparity between your motivation and commitment regarding the long term goals of your relationship and his.

When I met my girlfriend, I had no intention of moving abroad. I told her it was very unlikely to happen, because I was very connected to my home country. After a year, I changed my mind. Two years into our relationship and I am desperately trying to move over there to be with her. But, I'm 28, I've done the partying, travelling, letting go of parents, etc.

Now, let's say your boyfriend is completely committed and in love with you, but just not much of a planner. That's a current personality thing. My GF is 38 and hates planning. She's very free, artistic and not a natural organiser. I adore these qualities about her. Her favourite phrase regarding visas is "it will all be ok". I love it when she says this, because she has a way of making me believe it. But, it means that I'm the one doing the research, the planning, the visa applications, the stress of getting questioned at the POE, the long flights, etc. So, we actually want the same future - we just have different ways of approaching it.

How does your boyfriend feel about your partner? Does he really want to live with the two of you? I've got to be honest - if I'd been with my GF for four years and she met a new partner and moved in with him/her, I'm not sure I'd want to live with the two of them.

How often does your boyfriend come to see you? Is there any pressure or a ticking time bomb? Has he ever been sent to secondary questioning when trying to enter the country? If not, is there a hurry?

If you're both in your early twenties, it's the time for exploration and adventure. Your boyfriend might not be ready to leave the UK. He may never be ready. Have you looked at options to move the UK? If not, why not? Why does he have to move to the US?

It's interesting that you think moving in with your partner will affect your LDR with your boyfriend. Does it have to be that way? Will you have any time alone, or a separate room to make Skype calls from? Do you absolutely have to live with your new partner?

As for your partner....

So you are a secret girlfriend to him? His friends don't know about you? Or he's just more demonstrative with her on FB? That's a hard one. Seeing that kind of thing can be very hard. Ultimately, it's potentially unfair to ask him to curb it. A better option would be to take him off your facebook friends list - then you don't have to see everything. Or, of course, better yet, would be for him to acknowledge you in the same way.

Why aren't him and her living together? How have you two come to the stage of cohabiting if she's not entirely happy?

Sometimes being polyamorous means that you end up dealing with judgement and negative options from others. It's a shame when that happens; but have faith in your partner. Don't let what other people think effect you. All that really matters is how you and your partner feel about each other.

Overall sweetie, it sounds a little like you are in need of some stability in your life and you are crying out for it. You're lonely in a certain sense, because your partner's public affections are directed towards his other girlfriend.. and your boyfriend is long distance and not sure what he wants to do with his life. Honestly? If it were me? I'd give it six months and review. I'd make the transition from college and get myself into a settled place. I'd think carefully about living with your partner and how this may effect your relationship with your boyfriend, if at all. I'd talk to your boyfriend, make sure you're not pressuring him to move and work out what he really feels. I honestly think you should give it some time.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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Old 06-22-2013, 04:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Posts: 6,280

I am sorry you are frsutarted.

  • I want to see an equal amount of both of them to keep things from going out of balance

  • To be very in-the-moment person.
  • Enjoys having a long distance relationship with you because it's easy for him. Doesn't put in any real effort for us to get together in the long run because he's content where he is and partly because his family does all his planning for him and he expects things to be easy.

You are correct. You both are NOT on the same page.
  • To be on the same page, you could let go of your want to spend equal time with both/live with both. (You can control that)
  • You could ask him to change. (You can ask, but he ultimately control that)
  • Could end the relationship. (You can control that. )
  • Could do something else I cannot think of right now.

In the other problem...

  • To be accepted and acknowledged as important person in BF's life by his people (friends and family)
  • To be "out?"
  • Be free of ugh feelings because of cheating start to relationship with the mono gf?

  • ... to be emotionally supportive so you "get ok" but not do any actions himself?
  • to move in with you.
  • (I couldn't see anything else in the paragraph that was clear wants of his, I tried. Sorry.)

I don't see how he can move in with you and NOT deal with the mono GF problems. That's going to come to a head.

Don't see how he can live with you and not tell his family about you without that adding to your ugh about being the "secret other woman."

Could resolve all that before moving in together though. So you aren't screwed and left holding an apartment on your own -- can you afford that experience emotionally and financially? If it all goes wahoonie, how do you want to land post break up? Not saying that you will break up... just saying you are responsible for your own emergency preparedness and could think out your Plan B just in case.

I'm sorry you are going through this stress.

Maybe could make some decisions that while not FUN to make, relieve you of the stress and potential wacky down the line? You are also responsible for your own LONG TERM well being.

Hang in there!

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-22-2013 at 04:46 PM.
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long distance, mono, other woman, poly

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