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  #21  
Old 06-24-2013, 05:47 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are hurting. Here's some things you could do/think about. YMMV.

1) Could understand GF has to process her stages of grief. She cannot arrive at instant emotional acceptance after he turns her down. This just happened. Of course she's depressed. She got rejected. Try not to take any answers like "Maybe, probably" personally. She's digesting stages of grief. The ripple effect of his answer is still... rippling.

2) Could TELL GF that you don't want to break up with her, but if you guys ever arrive there, you like to be broken up with like THIS. So you are not caught blindsided. You seem like you want reassure that ripples over THERE in her other rship isn't going to rock your boat over HERE in the rship between you and her.

3) Could ASK GF to reassure you that she isn't going to dump you and go be with him. That seems to be the root question. Not so much "Are you done with him really?" but "What is going to happen to ME?" So could ask the question you really want answered more clearly.

4) Could ask GF to read this and do page 5 & 6 things, but remember to keep your emotional processing needs in balance with her emotional processing needs. It's hard to break up with someone, do the goodbye sex thing, AND be reassuring another partner who is having a wigginz.

It's also hard to be the partner having a wigginz and want emotional support that your partner is too withered to provide right now. But answer to the higher need first -- who is more broken? I think she is. Could not be trying to wring more from a bone dry person right now. YKWIM? That doesn't take away from the problems. It just ADDS to them.

5) Do you worry about your GF's commitment to you in polyshipping? Worry about cowgirls/cowboys? Could talk to her about that at some point later down.

6) Get more sleep. Going without isn't going to help here. Tend to your basic self care things so you can be available to support your GF through a hard time. Maybe outsourcing your own UGH elsewhere to this forum, friends, family, etc will help you be more present for your partner first. Then LATER when she's less bedragged emotionally she can give you the support-nurture-reassure you crave from her next.

Emotions are sometimes yummy to feel and sometimes yucky. Internal weather is just weather. You will be ok. Do your best to let it blow on through. Hang in there!

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-24-2013 at 05:52 PM.
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  #22  
Old 06-24-2013, 10:21 PM
starmonkey starmonkey is offline
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I really appreciate everyone sharing their experiences with me. It's very helpful.

I felt like I needed to do something to bolster my personal sense of security, so I took on a very difficult project solo this last weekend, and got it done, so I'm actually feeling much better now - I feel much more whole and confident now. I'm still baffled at how much I just lost it last week. I am usually secure, but I really felt crazy

Girlfriend is doing better, but still a little down, but better. I think she may well have rushed too quickly into the relationship, so yea, she probably torpedoed herself, but I think thats the kind of thing she needs the freedom to work out on her own. Sometimes I have to cross my own boundaries before I can figure out where they are. Thing is that he really sounds like a great guy, really good to my girlfriend - and I don't think he was trying to "cowboy" me at all, I think he just liked my girlfriend - I can see how it might have headed there eventually down the line, but to be honest, I have a very hard time envisioning my girlfriend leaving me for someone else - I suppose it is possible; she is free to be or not be with anyone, but I can really feel that she loves being with me. In any case, I'm letting her process at her own pace.

I've learned a few things around this - my GF and I need to get better at clear communication; our personal communication styles are extremely different. I did not understand how important communication is to make this work. My GF unwittingly made an agreement with me when she was just talking about how she felt. I then had an expectation that she wasn't aware of, so when it was broken, it fueled my insecurity.

I appreciate the links to Making Peace with Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships. The article is spot on, and has several tools I think I can benefit from.

Anyway - again, I appreciate all the feedback from everyone.
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  #23  
Old 06-24-2013, 11:19 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Knowing that dirtclustit is actually BG makes it rather weird to read personal history posts. I wonder - are the posts from both accurate? Neither? Will they be internally consistent?

It's unlikely that I'll make an effort to cross check to figure the latter out, but it does make me more inclined to view them as fictional. Of course, we could all be fictional.

Just noting my reaction; YMMV.

And to the OP, glad you're feeling a bit more confident and sane now. Those "totally lost it" times are tough; you have my sympathy.
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  #24  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:25 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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The real question is - which one of us is Franklin Veaux and which one is Dan Savage?

I admit that it is sometimes a pain when i try to say something but the other symbiont keeps finishing the sentences.
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  #25  
Old 06-25-2013, 07:11 PM
starmonkey starmonkey is offline
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Well - I'm doing quite a bit better, GF sometimes seems better, sometimes worse. She asked me again if I was OK if she sees the mono guy again. I still reacted emotionally internally (though not as powerful as before), felt that pang of insecurity, but was able to tell her she is completely free to see anyone she wanted, but that I felt uneasy that it would eventually hurt her again. I suggested she try to be aware of how the relationship made her feel. Now, I'm letting go of the situation; my GF needs to find her own truth in this. Its hard to sit on your hands when you see someone you love heading in a direction where hurt is pretty likely. Thats actually a stronger feeling than the minor insecurity I feel, but she has to be free - even to touch a hot stove - but who knows, maybe the planets will align, and they can have a healthy fulfilling relationship.

The funny thing is that even though I haven't met the guy, I like him based on her description - I wouldn't mind meeting him if it wouldn't be too awkward for him.

After all this, I doubt I will date anyone monogamous - there are just too many ways it can go wrong.

I think I'm still breaking out of a monogamous mindset myself - all of this stuff has been focusing all of my attention on one person - and that is not helping; I met someone a few days ago that seems really cool - I'm starting to think the healthiest thing I can do for my GF is let her be for now and worry about myself.

The truth is that I want her to be completely free to experience and explore romance - this is what I want for her. Its just hard to see her hurt in the process.
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  #26  
Old 06-25-2013, 07:15 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
After all this, I doubt I will date anyone monogamous - there are just too many ways it can go wrong.
I feel that. In theory it is possible for a poly person to date a mono person but I'm personally very skeptical.

Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
I think I'm still breaking out of a monogamous mindset myself - all of this stuff has been focusing all of my attention on one person - and that is not helping
It can be such a shift in thought process I think it's reasonable to have some adjustment issues.
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  #27  
Old 06-25-2013, 07:30 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I have been in a serious relationship with Murf who is mono for over a year. It has been pretty damn good. He is where I find inner peace. He comes with no pressure and no drama.

My poly husband is quite the opposite for me.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #28  
Old 06-25-2013, 08:03 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I have been in a serious relationship with Murf who is mono for over a year. It has been pretty damn good. He is where I find inner peace. He comes with no pressure and no drama.

My poly husband is quite the opposite for me.
Another reason for me to stop using poly/mono identifiers altogether when trying to have a conversation.

[Edit] That is not a shot at what you said Dagferi, just that I need to be more clear if I want to avoid this kind of detour
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Last edited by Marcus; 06-25-2013 at 08:14 PM.
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  #29  
Old 06-27-2013, 05:03 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
Knowing that dirtclustit is actually BG . . .
*sputter*

Whaaaa?????!!!!! Omigosh, that is more than hilarious. I almost just sprayed Diet Coke out my nose and all over my keyboard.
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  #30  
Old 06-27-2013, 05:27 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
The real question is - which one of us is Franklin Veaux and which one is Dan Savage?

I admit that it is sometimes a pain when i try to say something but the other symbiont keeps finishing the sentences.
I thought "I" was Franklin Veaux? *sniff* no fair.....
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